he couldn't deal with it...

[dds10]

Hey guys,

 

I'm new to this forum. My bf broke up with me this past Friday. He came over after work and we kind of had a little quarrel about him not wanting to go to my friend's place to hang out for a bit. I just felt like I hadn't been out in a while, especially with him, and since it was Friday night I was in the mood to do something other than sitting at home. He compromised and said we could go for a little bit, but after that it killed my mood and I didn't feel like going because I didn't want to feel like I was forcing him. So I started watching tv in the living room and he stayed in my room. Within 10 minutes I came in to apologize but he said he needed some space and would come out when he's ready. So I let him be for like an hour, and when I came back in the room he had written me a break up letter. He usually has an overwhelming sense of guilt about things in general, and he said that he felt guilty about not wanting to go and that he felt "bad and inhuman about being honest about what he wanted." He said that he can't take this anymore and he can no longer be with me.

 

Rewind to the beginning of August...we were in a club and were drunk. When we were dancing he lifted up my dress and my naked body was revealed for everyone to see. I felt humiliated and my first instinct was to slap him on the cheek. This is not how I normally respond to anger or other emotions. I was drunk it was my reaction to his action in heat of the moment. I know he felt hurt by it, but we talked about it and everything was okay. These past 2 and a half months I had no idea he was still harboring resentment from this. He said that after the slap incident it took a lot of soul searching and patience for him to give me another chance. This all came out in his breakup letter to me.

 

During our talk on Friday, he also told me that he sometimes feels inadequate to me. He said that I'm a classy lady and he wanted to take care of me, but he often felt like he was inadequate or was worried he wouldn't meet my expectations. I can honestly say my expectations from him were never too high, and I have never done anything to make him feel like he wasn't meeting them. If anything, I'm always telling him that he's amazing. He said that from a guy's perspective, telling him that just builds higher expectations and he felt pressure to always be amazing.

 

We had a really good relationship in which we were able to count on each other, and it's obvious to ourselves and others that we sincerely care about each other. We rarely argued. Neither of us had issues w/ the relationship, or so it seemed until he dumped me out of the blue. He never gave me a chance to talk about the problems he saw between us.

 

I really want a chance to try to work things out and get back together. I called him on Sunday asking if we could meet up this Thursday to talk about everything, since on Friday our emotions were ruling us. He agreed, so I'm going to talk to him tomorrow. I really want to give this relationship another try because I do believe in us, and he's worth it to me. How can I express all this and suggest getting back together without pushing him away?

[PsychGirly]

Well I don't think you should really concentrate on getting back together. For now, I think the best way to approach this situation is to just communicate. It seems like you're pretty confused about why he broke up with you. I highly doubt just that one "slapping" incident was enough for him to decide he doesn't want to be with you, & if someone told me they always felt "inadequate" to me, I would definitely want them to elaborate & tell me the reasons why. Maybe he has a logical explanation for everything that you'll understand.

 

When you talk to him, just be very calm & don't let it escalate into an argument. He's probably frustrated enough as it is (since he wrote you a break-up letter), so you don't want to set him off. If you want the relationship to work, you both have to be willing to hear each other out. Once you do this, then you can decide if it's worth giving it another try or not.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Okay wait a minute, he feels hurt by you slapping him..how should you feel about having him lift up your dress for the entire world to see you naked...and HE feels hard done by! Sure you shouldn't have slapped him..but my goodness, where is his accountability for his actions that evening. If you were able to get past being publicly humiliated by him by having yourself exposed then why can't he get past what you did. I have to wonder, given his insecurity about you and feeling that you are too classy for him, that this dress lifting episode was not simply an "I was drunk and didn't know what I was doing" scene, but a deliberate attempt at knocking you down so that in his eyes and the eyes of the world you are no longer appearing as a classy lady. He sounds very controlling. I think he did you a favour by breaking up with you.

[MusicIsLove]

If he broke up with you because of what sounds like a fairly minor tiff, then I'm sorry to say it doesn't seem like he was really into you in the first place. As for the bar incident, yes, hitting your SO is unacceptable. But hello, HE lifted up your dress! So logically you should have been doing 'soul searching' too (a bit dramatic, don't you think? That sounds ridiculous to me). I'd say you're better off...

[thejigsup]

I think he's using anything as an excuse to end this. Watch for this when you talk to him.

[DN]

I think the slap is probably something that he is using to give concrete form to other things that he finds difficult to express. So i suggest that you say that you have long since forgiven him for humiliating you in public and hope he can forgive you for slapping him. Tell him that people do things when they are drunk that they regret, and you hope that he regrets doing something like that to you because although you slapped him, he was the instigator of the whole issue.

 

Then suggest that incident be put in the past and not revisited.

 

Then you should ask him if he still loves you - because if he does not then there is little point continuing. If he says he does not then don't press him to explain why - but ask him if he thinks that with some work on both sides he can love you again.

 

If he says he does love you, then ask him what he needs to happen to make the relationship work - and tell him that this would be a two way street where both of you discuss any issues that you have and how to resolve them -

[dds10]

Thank you everyone who has replied so far. It's so helpful to see the perspective of others on my situation. I just feel like if he thinks the slap is inherently/morally wrong, then I can't convince him otherwise. In response to some of the above posts, no- he hasn't taken accountability for his action that triggered it. He knows he was wrong, but he thinks my reaction was worse and that I should've just taken him aside and chided him instead. I know what I did was wrong but I've apologized enough about it...there's only so much I can do.

 

He says he values my friendship but he just can't be with me. When we were breaking up on Friday we weren't really hearing each other. So hopefully, we can have a good discussion about everything tomorrow when we meet up. I really think we can work on our relationship and it can grow to be even stronger, if he is willing to let this incident go..... :sad:

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Taken you outside and chided him...that sounds pretty mild for someone who just lifted up your dress in the middle of a dance floor. While hitting him was not appropriate certainly creating a big enough scene to humiliate him was appropriate and a natural reaction to having someone publicly violate you....because remember, he exposed your body in public against your will and thereforee he violated you. A simple private "chiding" does not even begin to address the seriousness of what he did to you.

[dds10]

Update: he called me tonight to see what time I'm coming over to talk tmw. He said he misses me a lot and that this is harder than he thought, and is really looking forward to seeing me. I don't want to read into this or take it as a sign or anything...I don't want to give myself false hope. But now I'm just confused...I guess all I can do is wait and see what happens tomorrow.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I really think you need to tell him that his behaviour and attitude is unacceptable. He needs to feel like you are doing some good hard thinking yourself about this relationship.

[DN]

I think you should go to the meeting with an open mind and ask him to do the same thing. Going in angry and confrontational will solve nothing except help to confirm him in his original decision.

 

If you want him back then both of you need to let what happened that night go and not hold it over each other. He was wrong to do what he did, your reaction was wrong and now it's time for both of you to let it go.

 

You can certainly go to the meeting with anger and recriminations, as can he, but that won't help get the relationship back on track.