It just wasn't there...

[Keyman]

About 5 weeks ago, I met a girl online through a dating site. It matched us according to similarities in our profiles…blah blah, but we started chatting and got on like a house on fire. For the next three weeks we chatted, talked on the phone, exchanged stuff on facebook and generally felt like we were a couple.

 

So I organised a first date and figured that things would continue as they had online. They didn’t. Our first date was a day long date, but within the first 30 minutes she’d offended me. I got past it, and the day continued. We’d planned to spend the afternoon and evening together. We had fun, kinda, and I did enjoy spending time with her, but she kept pulling away from me and I felt like there was something missing. By the end of the date, 9 hours after starting, I couldn’t wait to get out of there.

 

We chatted a bit the next couple of evenings, but, for me, the spark we’d had before wasn’t there anymore. I asked her out again anyway, figuring it was just me, and we went to dinner, but again, early on, I felt the want to run away. I met her twice more in the weekend, and I could feel her feelings starting to grow and her inhibitions starting to relax. Problem is I wasn’t feeling anything. At 37, I’ve had my share of relationships, so dating isn’t a new thing. I’ve been out with girls who I’ve just wanted to hold hands with as soon as I could – you get that feeling – or where you are just eager to kiss them, but this time, I felt like I had to force myself to. So it didn’t seem right.

 

So after 3 weeks of chatting online and 1 and a half weeks with 4 dates, I broke it off with her.

 

The lady who owns the place I live tells me I should have given it more time and, as it turns out, the girl I was dating worked with a guy who knows the owner of the house, and he says the same.

 

So did I do the right thing by breaking it off with her? Better now than in 3 months when she’s madly in love with me and I’m still uncomfortable right?

[Mutley]

Yes you did the right thing.

 

If you're not into her, then your not into her.

[ApplePeace]

yup you did the rite thing.

[annie24]

what did she say to offend you?

 

yeah, i think you tried, you weren't feeling it. i think you did the right thing.

[i_win]

Sometimes it just isn't there. And you obviously have way more experience at your age than me, but I would definitely avoid a 9 hour all day first date from now on. Stick to about 3 hours the first time and if things go well and you do feel that chemistry then plan something a little longer the next time.

 

I don't do the "all day date" until I'm with someone that I really feel is special and think there is real potential there.

 

This is also a little bit why online dating is tough. I've met some girls that shared zero "online" chemistry with and we ended up having a ball. And then some girls that got along great online, but then were completely uncompatible upon meeting. Of course that isn't typical...but it did happen.

[Mending 08]

I believe that meeting through networks like link removed are no different than meeting on a blind date through mutual people. It sounds good on paper...but chemistry cannot be forced.

 

Not sure if you did the "right thing" but you are following your instincts. If you trust your instincts then you probably did the right thing.

[DaXMan]

Your first "date" was NINE hours? That's quite a while lol, definitely too long. There are definitely some things I've learned that will help in the future:

-Keep a limit on the phone chats/facebook comments/AIM stuff. Sure, it's good to communicate to your girl these ways, but both of you smothering each other with so much attention will appear smothering, especially so soon.

-As I mentioned earlier (and I_Win did too), 9 hours is waaaaaaaaay too long for a first date. That's longer than you probably sleep each night! I know it's tough to do this, but if you don't feel a spark and think the date is more of a chore than an adventure early on, get outta there! Say you have an obligation you need to get to. If the date is, say, 2 hours or so, that's a little different. But for a 9-hour date, you can more likely get away with that.

 

Critiques aside, I feel you made the right decision. You have to go with your gut. If you don't feel comfortable in the relationship and the feeling isn't there, no need to keep dragging it along. Cut it off and look for other women.

[Keyman]

what did she say to offend you?

 

This works in with what I will say later in the post but, the chat and the calls were very close and heart felt, including the sharing of feelings. So shortly after we met, I jokingly asked, 'so what are your first impressions?' She snapped at me. 'I'm not going to tell you that,' and then at my obviously taken back from being snapped at look, 'I suppose your gonna go off and sulk now.' Well, for me that was a great way to start something.

 

Your first "date" was NINE hours? That's quite a while lol, definitely too long. There are definitely some things I've learned that will help in the future:

-Keep a limit on the phone chats/facebook comments/AIM stuff.

 

Thanks DaXMan. Firstly, the date was not intentionally that long to start with. The dates usually start out as lunch and see what happens. Some go there natural course of about 2-3 hours, others go longer, the few that have have generally ended in the beginning of a relationship.

This was my first real transition from online to the real world, sure I've talked to people via email, then met them, but not the full on chat every night and phone calls and the like. I'm not planning to do that again, sure a few emails, then a meeting, but not a full chat and definitely not heart felt stuff. No feelings until a while after meeting.

 

Overall, the chemistry was there online, but in the real world, it was flat. I know I did the right thing. Thanks for the support.

[kuiks8]

when i did online dating i found it very hard for the chemistry felt through correspondence to translate to in person...

if it's not there it's not there...

lots of fish in the sea!

Myself after almost 5 years of online dating...don't want to do it anymore...

[ghost69]

this is why i would never do the online thing. sure you can meet someone based on looks or whatever online, but you can't see the person and how they act socially until you agree to a meeting. i need that right off the bat.

 

you did the right thing.

[annie24]

this is why i would never do the online thing. sure you can meet someone based on looks or whatever online, but you can't see the person and how they act socially until you agree to a meeting. i need that right off the bat.

 

you did the right thing.

 

yes, but you can say the same thing about a blind date arranged by a mutual friend.

 

ultimately, you're not losing a lot by going on a blind or internet date. worst case scenario, you've only spent 1 hour with someone getting coffee or a drink. it's not a huge loss of time.

[ghost69]

yes, but you can say the same thing about a blind date arranged by a mutual friend.

 

ultimately, you're not losing a lot by going on a blind or internet date. worst case scenario, you've only spent 1 hour with someone getting coffee or a drink. it's not a huge loss of time.

 

i don't do blind dates.

[annie24]

i don't do blind dates.

 

so if someone said to you, 'hey ghost - my cousin is moving to your town. she's really pretty and cool and single, here is a photo of her, would you like to meet up with her and show her around?' you'd say no?

[ghost69]

so if someone said to you, 'hey ghost - my cousin is moving to your town. she's really pretty and cool and single, here is a photo of her, would you like to meet up with her and show her around?' you'd say no?

 

i'd go hang out with her. i probably wouldn't do a date or anything until i met them in person.

[riley123]

We had fun, kinda, and I did enjoy spending time with her, but she kept pulling away from me and I felt like there was something missing. By the end of the date, 9 hours after starting, I couldn’t wait to get out of there.

 

Yup, no question about it, you did the right thing. If this is what you were feeling on the first date then this isn't the relationship for you.

[drewciouS281]

yeah, i rarely ever set up "dates". I just offer a girl im interested in or even someone a friend wants to introduce me to out to just hang out. It we hit it off, then we hit it off but otherwise theres no intentions but just hangin.

[annie24]

i'd go hang out with her. i probably wouldn't do a date or anything until i met them in person.

 

ok, but you'd go and get some ice cream and walk around downtown with her right?

 

as far as i'm concerned, that's what people should do on a first meeting if they met over the internet. not put a lot of stock in it, just use it as a chance to briefly get to know one another and decide if there is dating potential there. to me, it's more like, "Date Zero" than a first date. My 2 cents anyways. i cringe whenever people talk about having a relationship with someone they have never even met in real life.

[ghost69]

ok, but you'd go and get some ice cream and walk around downtown with her right?

 

as far as i'm concerned, that's what people should do on a first meeting if they met over the internet. not put a lot of stock in it, just use it as a chance to briefly get to know one another and decide if there is dating potential there. to me, it's more like, "Date Zero" than a first date. My 2 cents anyways. i cringe whenever people talk about having a relationship with someone they have never even met in real life.

 

more than likely, in a situation like you are describing, we'd all go out on the town. it wouldn't be me any my buddy's cousin alone probably. it would be a group. that's how it usually happens. then maybe i'd be like 'yo ____, your cousin is great. hook me up.' or i'd get her number myself for a date.