Phoenix_girl Posted October 21, 2008 Share Posted October 21, 2008 Hi All Ok I have a huge problem. A very very brief background: been friends with this guy for 6 years, hes my best friend, im in love with him and he knows it (he made me confess my feelings). I'm also 99% sure he has feelings for me, but hasnt been ready to go that far with me. Ever since he made me confess my feelings things have been a littel strained (can anyone say "sexual tension"?). For the whole time ive known him, hes never been in a relationship (gone on dates? yes. had sex? yes). 3 months ago i started getting depressed (lots going on, etc). I decided about 2 months ago that i needed to give my friend some space to figure out whatever he needed to figure out and i told him so. I also needed some time to deal with my issues. He had told me he was fighting for something that i couldnt understand right now. Jump forward to today - i contact him for the first time in 2 months. I missed him, and decided i needed to chat with him, get his opinon on some stuff, etc. So i sent him the following text messages: me: "Hey, hows it going?" him: "Hey! things are good. you?" me: "glad to hear it. we should really catch up some time." him: definitely! things have been hectic, but ill try to come on MSN sometime this week" me: i dont really use MSN anymore, and ive been going to bed early so it might be hard to reach me there. Maybe a visit? Its been a while since we've seen each other, and ill soon have your [b-day and xmas] presents. him: we'll see - ive been spending a lot of time with my gf and other stuff ive got going on. [this is when my blood turned ice cold] me: wow, you have a gf! thats great. id still like to see you. ill keep an eye out on MSN for you. So in short - i give him time to work out whatever he needs to work out, and rather then doing that he gets himself a girlfriend! (he has lied to me in the past about having a gf, and something about this feels fishy to me). I dont know what to do - im happy for him, really, but i am terrified of loosing my best friend. Im going through hell right now and i really need his support, but i dont know how to ask for it now without is seeming like im just asking for attention. Ive already lost 2 friends during this trying time...i dont know what to do. How do you handle it, when the one you love has choosen someone else? How do you be the gracious winner, and still protect your interest in the friendship? Link to comment
greywolf Posted October 21, 2008 Share Posted October 21, 2008 Is he the type to play games? Maybe he said that to get a reaction out of you. Link to comment
lady00 Posted October 21, 2008 Share Posted October 21, 2008 My way of handing it would be to step far away and give myself a good long break without contact. I don't know if that's the healthiest way or the best way, but that's what I would do. Link to comment
Phoenix_girl Posted October 21, 2008 Author Share Posted October 21, 2008 hi greywolf. hes done it before. you know those surveys people send out to their friends? well i sent him one once and he put down that he was taken and told me that he did that to get a reaction out of me. When ive "disappeared" in the past for a bit he would try to reach me. this time (2 months ago) i told him i was backing off. for all i know hes saying it to get to me. to show me he doesnt need me like i think he does (ive told him i know he has feelings for me). But at the same time, it could be the truth. i didnt talk to him long and got no details. Too Lady00 - i jsut came off 2 months of no contact it and it was torture. hes my best friend, and the only one who knows my whole past. hes also my longest running friendship. we've had ups and downs esp since he made me confess my feelings, and right now with what im going through, i really need his support. but at the same time, right now i just want to go back into my hole. Link to comment
lady00 Posted October 21, 2008 Share Posted October 21, 2008 See, I don't understand how the man you are in love with who just told you he has a girlfriend can be the one to help you get through this. Do you have any other close friends or family members that you can lean on during this time? Link to comment
Phoenix_girl Posted October 21, 2008 Author Share Posted October 21, 2008 no i dont. ive already had two friends bail on me when i tried to confide in them (i initially did not want to put this on him cause i was trying to give him space). My family was abusive and i have a history of abusive relationships. My friend is the only one who knows all of this, and unfortunately, it is playing a part in what im going through. My other friends have somewhat short attention spans and reallyl dont care about other peoples pain. Link to comment
bostonbruins24 Posted October 21, 2008 Share Posted October 21, 2008 Whether or not he really has a girlfriend doesn't matter in my opinion.I don't think he would have mentioned it [especially that early on in the convo]if he was interested in you.You say you need him as a friend ,yet you admit you have feelings for him.I think it would be too painful for you to be around him if he has a girlfriend ,so I would be keeping my distance from him. Link to comment
lila... Posted October 21, 2008 Share Posted October 21, 2008 Ouch, sorry to hear that! And honestly, I admire you, you seem to take it very strongly, I would be really broken. I can't offer advice because I've never been in the same situation as you, I've never been best friends with someone I'm in love with, but I would probably do like lady00 and back away. That's because I probably wouldn't be able to deal with it. It depends on you, would you be able to be around him knowing he has a girlfriend? Wouldn't that be torture to you? Link to comment
Phoenix_girl Posted October 21, 2008 Author Share Posted October 21, 2008 Yes i can. i know hes gone on dates and all that. and i believe that to truly love someone is to want them to be happy, even if its not with you. I'm happy for him and i can accept that he has a gf - i told him it was great and i believe that. Am i hurt? sure. But right now i am in no position to pursue any romantic relationship. What i am worried about, is loosing him. Im worried that any attempt to spend time with him, or ask for his help/support, will be contrued as jealousy. i just want my friend. Link to comment
lady00 Posted October 21, 2008 Share Posted October 21, 2008 Well, you can't really prevent the two of you from growing apart. If that's going to happen, it will happen naturally. Just keep doing what you are doing, but realize he may not want to be the person that you lean on when you're trying to get over your feelings about him. He may feel like it's awkward or like it's an imposition. That's not really what a friendship is supposed to be. It's supposed to be something that you both get something out of. As long as he feels that way, he will continue to be his friend. But it's important that you don't let him become your crutch and don't let this prevent you from developing interest in other people. I know you say you are not in a position to be in a relationship. That's fine, but sooner or later you will be and you have to allow yourself to get to know other people and make some more friends (not the flaky kinds that bailed on you....that was pretty lame of them...true friends do not do that, trust me). Meeting new guys, even as friends, will help, I think. Link to comment
Phoenix_girl Posted October 21, 2008 Author Share Posted October 21, 2008 as of right now hes not my crutch - if he was i would have been running to him when things first fell apart. im also not trying to get over my feelings for him - i tried it for 4 years and it was a loosing battle. he once told me he would be hurt if our friendship ended and i am trying to believe that that is true - that he wants it as much as i do. I should be in bed right now, but i cant stop crying. i dont know if its because of everything im going through (been crying a lot), or because of this thing with my friend. I guess i just feel very alone. I feel like i dont have a claim on him, even as a friend. This whole thing feels fishy to me....or maybe thats just denial talking. Link to comment
lila... Posted October 21, 2008 Share Posted October 21, 2008 Yes i can. i know hes gone on dates and all that. and i believe that to truly love someone is to want them to be happy, even if its not with you. I'm happy for him and i can accept that he has a gf - i told him it was great and i believe that. Am i hurt? sure. But right now i am in no position to pursue any romantic relationship. What i am worried about, is loosing him. Im worried that any attempt to spend time with him, or ask for his help/support, will be contrued as jealousy. i just want my friend. If the friendship is more valuable than any potential pain and the love you feel for him, then continue being his friend, however, what about him? Does he still want to hang out with you? Now that he has a girlfriend he might not be available as much. You've been friends 6 years so I wouldn't worry about losing him, I would think that a friendship that strong won't be broken so easily, just be aware that while he has a girlfriend he might not want to hang out as much. Contact him once in a while to see if he wants to hang out, just don't go overboard, right now that you're lonely you'll feel more tempted to be with him and to contact him, so try to control yourself. Try to distract yourself with other things, try to deal with your sadness in other ways, cry as much as you want, it's good, it'll help you vent and feel relief. Don't depend so much on him, allow yourself to meet other people and even open yourself to the possibility of finding love somewhere else. Link to comment
Phoenix_girl Posted October 21, 2008 Author Share Posted October 21, 2008 ive tried finding love elsewhere. my dating history is dismal - a string of relationships that ended up abusive, bar romances (no better then the relationships), and since my last relationship ive had a string of dates that never went anywhere - the shortest of which lasted 10 min. right now im just so confused about a lot of things. Link to comment
Phoenix_girl Posted October 23, 2008 Author Share Posted October 23, 2008 HI All Ok I have time to absorb this situation and have decided to just leave it alone - i have to many other things going on. But i need some advise. I am going through a hard time, i isolated myself from people and have spent the past 2 months trying deal with things. I decided I felt "strong" enough to pull myself out of my hole and contact a few people...which is when i contact my best friend and found out he has a gf. So now I'm in a dillemma. He's my best friend and the ONLY person who knows everything in my life. How do i ask if i can talk to him about this stuff, without seeming like im just being attention seeking or jealous? Link to comment
TheProdigy Posted October 26, 2008 Share Posted October 26, 2008 first of all i red some of you posts and I have to say i like you secondly i think there is also another way....i saw many similarities in what you did and said and i am in a similar situation right now (except that i felt like isolation myself and i did this) and going to a schrink had some benefits and opened my eyes in some ways (this approach also has its dangers but it seams like it really moves things) .... i still don't feel I got over her 100% and she doesn't want to talk to me but it seams i got to know myself better and as a result something is moving Link to comment
mawfish Posted October 28, 2008 Share Posted October 28, 2008 hes done it before. you know those surveys people send out to their friends? well i sent him one once and he put down that he was taken and told me that he did that to get a reaction out of me. Hi Phoenix girl, If you consider him a lovely friend, why would he play around with saying he has a girlfriend just to get a reaction out of you. I think its a pretty unkind thing to do if he knows you care about him. My feeling is this guy likes getting an ego boost knowing you're there in backup for him. Being friends with him will probably be really, really tough. Friends can possibly work whilst you're both single, or both in relationships (but why would you, when all it would do is put pressure on the relationship with a new bf). If you can't see yourself perfectly happily hanging out with him and his gf, then you're not in a place to be friends. After a few months NC you might get there, but I suspect you'll just move on to a happier place without him. Just my thoughts. Link to comment
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