new relationship-- question for guys

[hellsbells910]

Well, I ask this to men because being a woman I would like a man's perspective, but any advice would be very helpful...

 

I recently met an AWESOME man who I have been dating for about two months. So far things are going so well-- we get a long wonderfully and things are as close to perfect as they could be, IMHO. I have never had a relationship like this, where I feel so open and secure at the same time and everything is very exciting.

 

When we began dating he told me he was a virgin and we did have sex eventually and it was wonderful and very loving, but shortly after we were talking about various issues (previous abusive relationship that I was in) and he mentioned that he has been "in love" with a girl he has known his whole life and told me the story of how he has always known they were meant to be together and she continuously rejected him his whole life. She calls his parents "mom and dad" and goes to his house uninvited, just walks through the door and acts like she lives there... but she never dated him and in fact laughed in his face when he made several (dozen) attempts to take her out to dinner, etc.

 

Every other weekend he goes to visit his parents who live about 80 miles away and with each passing week, I become more and more paranoid that "she" will be there, waiting for him, and upon learning that he has started dating some other woman will magically realize that she loves him and that will be the end of me. You know how many women are-- they want to be adored and to hell with whoever's feelings they stomp on while they do it-- plus one always wants what they cant have, and I fear that she will see him as something she "no longer has" and move in for the kill.

 

I feel like I know her-- I know so many manipulative women like that-- and I also feel like I am falling in love with this man and having been in a few horrific relationships I am terrified of what may happen.

 

 

My question(s) are as follows:

 

Am I justified in my fear or is it paranoia?

 

Men, if the woman who rejected you for 10 years suddenly became jealous and wanted to be with you because you had a different girlfriend, would you leave that girlfriend to be with her, knowing the way she has treated you means she quite probably is manipulative (and evil)?

 

Any other advice also appreciated. Thank you in advance.

[FortunateOne]

Am I justified in my fear or is it paranoia?

 

Yes, you are justified in your fear.

 

 

Men, if the woman who rejected you for 10 years suddenly became jealous and wanted to be with you because you had a different girlfriend, would you leave that girlfriend to be with her, knowing the way she has treated you means she quite probably is manipulative (and evil)?

 

An emotionally healthy man would not, but this guy is emotionally unhealthy and I'd bet he'd say yes. He is still emotionally invested in her and to use you as the decoy to win her love is totally wrong. He seriously needs help.

[hellsbells910]

Yes, you are justified in your fear.

 

 

 

 

An emotionally healthy man would not, but this guy is emotionally unhealthy and I'd bet he'd say yes. He is still emotionally invested in her and to use you as the decoy to win her love is totally wrong. He seriously needs help.

 

I dont think he's necessarily using me as a decoy, but nonetheless, I agree that there might be an emotional investment still there and it hurts to have to admit this. Thank you for your frank and honest reply, I really appreciate it.

[Aviatormy]

I would tell him your fear. Tell him that although you appreciate his honesty, you do not wish to continue seeing him while he is still in love with this other woman. See what his reaction is.

 

If he still wants to be with you then you need to put your foot down. Tell him that you do not wish to give an ultimatum but you will not be on the back burner while this other girl is in his life. Tell him that you will only continue to see him once he is completely over her.

 

Sorry but this is a HUGE red flag. I know that if my heart was with someone else that I have loved for a long time, the temptation would be way to great to not take her up on an offer. I think that he is more less lusting after her and he would be with her behind your back.

[Syntax1985]

FortunateOne hit it on the head i think. exactly my conclusion after reading the topic starter.

[alli]

So I know you wanted advice from guys here but it's too tempting not to throw in my 2 cents. You made a lot of assumptions about this girl. That she is evil & just messing with him & will suddenly decide he is everything she wants the moment she finds out he's dating someone.

 

It is possible that she really doesn't have any sort of romantic feelings from him. She's not sure how to handle him asking her out all the time so she laughs it off like he's joking to avoid the uncomfortableness of turning him down. Sure, she might feel a slight twinge of jealousy when she finds out she's not the only apple of his eye, but I doubt she would then decide to do everything she can to get him to leave you so she can now have him all to herself so they can get married & have babies.

 

As much as you don't want to hear the wrong answer, you should ask him if he would leave you for her if she wanted him. Even if it never happens, you don't deserve to be on the backburner hoping that he doesn't leave you for some other chick. Especially in the beginning of a relationship, you should be his only love interest.

[hellsbells910]

THANK YOU GUYS I really appreciate it. I think this is the only way to go. At worst I save myself before things progress to far, at best I'm paranoid and he think's I'm nutty. I did, in a sort of mean and embarrassing move this weekend, glare at him when he mentioned her name and asked under my breath accusingly if he was ever going to "get over it" and he looked shocked and said, "I am over it!" ... Alas, this was in front of his family and in the midst of a bottle of wine so it was neither appropriate nor did it solve anything.

 

 

Again, this forum has come to the rescue and thank you so much for your advice and help!

[keefy1972]

When we began dating he told me he was a virgin and we did have sex eventually and it was wonderful and very loving, but shortly after we were talking about various issues (previous abusive relationship that I was in) and he mentioned that he has been "in love" with a girl he has known his whole life and told me the story of how he has always known they were meant to be together and she continuously rejected him his whole life. She calls his parents "mom and dad" and goes to his house uninvited, just walks through the door and acts like she lives there... but she never dated him and in fact laughed in his face when he made several (dozen) attempts to take her out to dinner, etc.

.

I have a problem with him even telling you these things. There is no real good reason to tell someone you are dating that there is someone else out there that you feel is your soul mate. That should tell you everything.

[Dagless]

I agree with this, confront him with it and talk about how you feeling about the situation. Don't wait for things to happen, if things start getting really good for you two and then this girl gets her claws in to him you will be kicking yourself knowing that you knew that it was going to happen.

[MT1981]

My question(s) are as follows:

 

Am I justified in my fear or is it paranoia?

 

Men, if the woman who rejected you for 10 years suddenly became jealous and wanted to be with you because you had a different girlfriend, would you leave that girlfriend to be with her, knowing the way she has treated you means she quite probably is manipulative (and evil)?

 

Any other advice also appreciated. Thank you in advance.

 

Its ok to be scared - but dont let it run your life. I have been there done that. If he is going to do it, then hes going to do it. You know you are better than that, and you will realise that he wasnt worth it.

 

In my case - is someone who rejected me for 10 years suddenly became jealous and wanted to be with me cos of my new gf- id tell her to f**k off. She doesnt control my love life or my gf or me...thats just how it goes. If she wants to be manipulative, then she can go manipulate someone else, cos frankly i wouldnt have the time or the patience for games like that. The person im dating will be the most important thing....not some scrag who laughed in my face when I asked her out 10 years ago.

 

And thats what he has to realise about you.....you are the number 1 priority...not that scrag.

[blue69]

You can "justify" any emotion if you like.

 

I personally think you shouldn't "fret" over it. I think the mere fact that he has been honest with you should be comforting. Allow him to communicate with you... allow him to be honest.. and not have to deal with the wrath of insecurity. Your reactions will actually influence his future communication with you. He will filter out certain things because he will know you don't want to hear it.

 

If you can only view this as a negative then nothing but negative will come about. If you look at the positive then that is what will come from it.

 

I tend to disagree with advise that tells you to run, be scared and be paranoid of your partner. If you truly love him and who he is, understand that his past actually had some part in developing that. It also helped shape him and his decisions with who to be with. And today, right now, he is with you. You should be happy with that. Focus on positive and dont allow insecurity to get within you.

 

Good luck and enjoy your relationship!!

[Wiley C]

Hi HellsBells,

 

Only an experienced man would not do that. Someone weak and /or immature might thinking their dream has finally come true. Those men with experience where their former woman discovered the man's new love and the former woman makes advances will recognize the situation instantly and will stay away from the former woman.

 

Someone in experienced may see if the fantasy could really come true.

 

Bottom line for anyone is the old saying, if it is too good to be true, it isn't.

 

Question since you are a woman......why do women do thing slike this ....... get jealous and try to get that attention even if they have a man already ?

 

I am sure there are men that do that too and I would love to know what motivates those people.

 

I've known women that don't mind (in fact enjoy) bragging about how men whistled at them and boys approached them, calling themselves a cougar, etc but the mere mention of a woman being interested in their ex-boyfriend sends them off the deep end.

 

Curious.

 

Everyone has baggage but old flames are baggage that should surely be left to the airlines !

 

If you don't have a third eye or some drastic non-human appendage, then you are good looking enough to attract other men.

 

Go find another guy. Finding is easy......finding a good one and keeping them is the trick.

 

I've thought about what it takes to stay together and I think one important factor is need. When both partners need each other and it is a healthy need....ie a need to share something nice with the other person and no other will do, an egoless need, then I think this is the connection that keeps people together through thick and thin. Otherwise with career mobility, technology, attitudes towards social trends, there is very little that keeps people together. Once the excitement is gone so too are the commitments.

 

I realize that is a new thread and I have to thnk more about that and what keeps people together.

 

Good luck !