spatzcolumbo Posted February 28, 2004 Share Posted February 28, 2004 Well guys it's the weekend again which means its time to try and keep busy. i've been having a bad few days just thinking about stuff, and having more little memories come back to me of things she said and did which all sounded so positive at the time, but which ultimately mean nothing now, and obviously meant nothing at the time. I try not to compare her to new people, but obviously it is hard to do. I am one of those people that looks for 'the spark'. I think having that connection with someone initially is really important in any relationship - in my experience anything other than that spark will end in nothing at all. I've yet to meet anyone since my ex that has given me the same feeling, even on a casual dating level. Some part of me still hopes that i have a chance. It's stupid i know, and pointless, and i am merely tormenting myself, but thats how it goes!! Rough with the smooth. I have been thinking lately how much blind faith you have to put in this kind of situation if you really believe that you can start a new relationship with your ex. I have weighed up all the positive and negative points in my head, worked out a million times the reasons why she would and why she wouldn't come back. I've mulled over the statement 'if its meant to be then she will come back' and thought about the black and white statement 'Its Over'. And all the while i have realised there is no point in doing this. I have thought to myself if there is a shred of truth to half the things she told me, then she will be back. We shared so much together, and had so many more good times than bad. If her reasons were just that the seriousness scared her, then my blind faith tells me not to worry - because people can only resist their true feelings for so long. My blind faith (and big ego) also tells me that i know she can't do any better than me in a boyfriend. She can look all she wants, but at the end of the day i know i offered her everything she wanted in a guy. She told me just 2 weeks before we split that i am her perfect guy. If i was able to follow my blind faith here, then i would have no worries. but of course there is always the niggling doubt in my mind. I know i can not give up on her, but i know that there is virtually no chance for us. I have been told that i am being kept 'in the shadow' - that she is keeping me there in case things do not work out with someone else. My blind faith tells me that this is not a problem because i know that she will not do any better, and that she just needs to prove it to herself. However, for all this blind faith, there is also the realistic side of me that tells me not to be a fool. Not to even consider waiting around for this girl. There is the part of my brain that tells me that someone has just flicked a switch on her back which has turned her love for me to OFF. Because that is how i felt when things first happened. like you Vfunkera, i could not comprehend how the day before she could tell me how much she loved me and wanted to be with me, and the next day tell me so plainly that she didn't want to be with me anymore. So my conclusion is that i am trying my best to fit somewhere in between my realistic side and my blind faith side. I am trying to get on with things, as everyone suggests, but at the same time i am remembering the things that tell me we are meant to be together. The things that suggest she will be back once this is out of her system. I know people on this board may tell me i am being naive, and should be moving on, but the fact is that i am moving on, but amnot entirely letting go of the past. I personally don't think this is a problem. "That which is lost can again be found". I have the knowledge that i will see her in 3 weeks. This will be the hardest time for me, but the most crucial also. I may discover that she has a new guy, or i may discover she really did just want to be single for a while. I may discover that she does not want to see me, or i may discover that we see each other and get on just like old times. if this is the case, i need to put my best plays into practice - all the things that i have gained from readin the board, and this post in particular. If you made it this far, thanks for reading!! Link to comment
GeeCee Posted February 28, 2004 Share Posted February 28, 2004 Hi you - your post was heartfelt and your pain tangible. Obviously the weekends are very tough - but you are a much stronger person than me. You are doing really well. With regard to that spark. Of course that is what drives us all. But, no doubt you will not see any hint of that spark with anyone else at the moment because your heart is with someone else. I think that the 'what will be will be brigade' are wrong. Even nature needs a nudge in the right direction sometimes, and relationships are the same. We give and take, we are pessimistic and optimistic, it comes and goes. But every now and then we have to nudge things along in the right direction, help our partners to 'see the light'. I feel for you, because once it would have not caused you a second thought to pick up the phone and call, or send a text. And now you have to agonise about what to say and how to say it. I still, personally, think that keeping the lines of communication open is a good thing. I hope that you find some relief over the weekend Spatz. We are all thinking about you and wishing you well. G xx Link to comment
Beec Posted February 28, 2004 Share Posted February 28, 2004 spatz, you know more about what she wants than any of us. However, from your comments I think maybe she thinks you are the guy she would want if she wanted to be serious about the relationship. In her current sircumstances, maybe she just cannot let herself be serious about a guy who cannot be next to her all the time. Maybe if you lived close and she felt ready, she would be rushing to get you to the altar. Maybe, maybe, maybe . . . . Just some thoughts. My point is to think about what she wants. If you can think about it then be that or provide it, then your chances improve. GeeCee, you are right about keeping communication open. Except right in the beginning of a breakup, the lines should be open. It's a rare occasion when one should close them, not refuse to answer or receive communications. The "no contact" period should only be when you need it to protect your emotions and keep yourself away when you cannot control your emotions. What you are really right about is knowing how to give fate a nudge. Link to comment
Hopingpraying Posted February 28, 2004 Share Posted February 28, 2004 Spatz, I feel ya man. I hope my wife figures out that the grass is not greener at some point, but I also know we need to be away from each other so we can appreciate one another more. I mean I have looked in the mirror and seen where I have done wrong, my wife has looked in the mirror and can only blame me for where we are at. I think she has a little help with her bestfriend (has never gotten along with me) and her new boyfriend she won't admit to having. With those two filling her head full of he is a rotten SOB, she has no choice but to believe it. All the good things I have done have been forgotten by her. She is trying to keep my daughter away from me even though I have been nothing but a good father too her. I am not sure if she is just trying to spite me or if she really feels the things she says are true. I guess I am trying to tell you that while different our situations are similiar in the respect that I am a confident enough individual to know that I am a great guy. I've seen enough bad ones to know that. Eventually my wife will come back but I have to decide whether I can take her back after all the hurt she has put me through. I am not saying it is all her fault, I know it isn't. If I would of been doing the things I should of then she wouldn't of looked for another man to fill that void, however, that still doesn't give her a right to disobey her vows she made to me. Anyway, you will have a hard time finding a spark with someone else if you continue to be so devoted to the one that got away. You know this, so you need to let go. If it is meant to be she will be back and you will be able to start over. I really wish you luck. Heck, I really wish myself luck. Link to comment
spatzcolumbo Posted February 28, 2004 Share Posted February 28, 2004 H and P, i know what you mean the whole way - it is so frustrating knowing that the grass isn't greener, and that youknow you are a good guy, but that there is ultimately nothing you can do to make them realise that. this is where my 'blind faith' comes into the equation - do you follow your blind faith or try to ignore it!! Beec, your post (as so often) actually made me feel a whole lot better. In a way it cleared my head a bit and made me realise that it may well be the case that she would want to be with me if she was in the same city. her mum said that she thought things would be a lot different if she was here, and we also had an argument before we split about it. i was arguing that i didnt understand how she could still love me yet not want to be with me. She pointed out that being away from me physically was putting too much of a strain on her and the relationship, and she thought that she would be able to concentrate more on her uni work if she did not have the relationship commitment (travelling for 6 hours on the train just for a day and a half together) to worry about. Several other people have told me that their gut feeling is that things would be different if she was here in the same city. This reflects a number of things she has said, and is partly why i feel the need to contact her to show that i want to remain part of her life. Even though i am not sure i can be part of her life unless there is the chance that we could eventually get back together. As i have mentioned in earlier posts, she will be back in my city for 3 months in the summer. I wish these 3 months were starting next week, but they aren't. i must simply make sure i do all i can at Easter to win her back (without trying too hard of course!!!) Geecee, i plan on taking your advice within the next few days i think - i plan on sending a short friendly text just to make sure i am not burning my bridges. this will give me an easier time when wishing her a happy birthday in March. Thankyou all - half way through the weekend and i'm not doing too badly!! Link to comment
danimal77 Posted February 29, 2004 Share Posted February 29, 2004 Hi Spatz, I've been following this ongoing saga for sometime now and I feel for you man. Our situations are different, while still having a lot of similarities and the most important being, that we're both improving ourselves and we wish that she would be there to see it with her own eyes. I read your last post and I want to offer you just one piece of advice, if I may of course. Do not send her an email, rather, pick up the phone and call her. I guarantee you, that Beec would agree with me on this one. A voice goes so much further, than words on a computer screen do. I've not disappeared from her life entirely, by playing the "no contact" game, but what I've begun doing, is being omnipresent and very unpredictable. I reach out when I feel like it. As Beec advised and strongly suggested on many an occasion, do not show too much interest in her. Be kind, flirtatious if you want to, but remain indifferent, aloof, confident, calm and independent, while fulfilling her emotional needs. Do not mention the "I miss you", or "I love you", because at this stage, they are expecting it. When they expect it, thay have figured us out and they get bored and lose more interest. Give a little, without acting like you need anything at all and watch her start to get confused and start questioning things, right before your very own eyes. I'm one month in and I've started to play the "game" and week and half ago and she has not really initiated yet, but she is receptive when I make contact and she is replying to my calls and not my emails. You're more of a man to call. Don't hide behind the monitor bro. Good Luck, Cheers, Dan Link to comment
fantasia2004 Posted February 29, 2004 Share Posted February 29, 2004 I totally agree with that last post. But you don't have to take their word for it. The ball is in your court. It is up to you use it the right way. Good luck which ever road you choose. Link to comment
spatzcolumbo Posted February 29, 2004 Share Posted February 29, 2004 Beec, Determined, Geecee, etc Ok so i contacted her. I decided i'm not ready to speak to her yet - that will come either on her birthday, or in a couple of weeks. I sent her a message because i saw someone on TV that looked just like this guy we met when we were on holiday in Morocco. I texted her about it and said it made me laugh, then asked her how she is doing. Well 2 hours with no reply, but then got a text from her saying "hehe thought we had escaped that guy", and then going on to say how things were tough for her at the moment because her exam results were lower than she'd hoped (even though they were still good) and her best friend has admitted to her (and ONLY her) that she is anorexic. I replied saying that i'm sure she can straighen out her exam problems, and that i was sorry to hear about her friend (i know her too but only through my ex) but that she should know that she can always call me if she ever wants to offload onto someone!! She then replied again saying that she hoped i am good, and that the same goes for me with calling - any time i need to moan about something she is on the end of the phone. She then finished by saying "other than that things are really good x" I have not replied to this, as there were no direct questions it seemed. I am thinking along the lines of calling during no contact - that the person who hasbeen dumped should always be the one to end the conversation. I think that the text message equivalent is to leave them wanting more?!? I am a little worried about her "apart from that everything is really good" comment - but only because in my eyes that is suggesting that she has met someone else and is really happy - PARANOID or what!!!! Anyway guys, your input on how i played this situation would be great - did i do the right thing, were the messages ok, is there anything i should be picking out from her replies? Look forward to hearing opinions!! Thanks guys, Spatz Link to comment
spatzcolumbo Posted March 1, 2004 Share Posted March 1, 2004 Hey Determined, not heard from you in a while either? Does this mean you have moved on and are doing ok?? let us know. Spatz Link to comment
Beec Posted March 1, 2004 Share Posted March 1, 2004 I think it is a good sign what you mentioned spatz. She wants you to know about her lfie. She thinks and wants you to care. You need to keep raising the amount of contact you have with her, but very, very slowly. She must do some of the increasing. So, be careful with how often you repsond. The speed of the volleying and length of the volleys has to pick up, but not in just one week. Her B-Day is a good day, but I might sneak in a text before. If you do, ask a question about her exams or something. Link to comment
spatzcolumbo Posted March 1, 2004 Share Posted March 1, 2004 Thanks Beec. A couple of others have told me the same - good that she still trusts me to tell me about her friend, and good that she said i can call her any time rather than just 'thanks' to me for saying she can call me. I think you are right about contact. I plan on sendin her something for her birthday, which if she receives it a few days early, she may feel inclined to text about anyway, which would give an ideal reason for contact before her birthday. if i get the birthday card / gift just right (not too much at all, but just a nice jokey card and nice message) then it leads up nicely to hopefully seeing her in a few weeks when her term finishes. Link to comment
GeeCee Posted March 1, 2004 Share Posted March 1, 2004 Hey Spatz You are doing good - and I am sure that you feel a lot better as a result of her returning your text so quickly and offloading to you. Don't make the mistake I did now and keep on texting her. Take a step back, she might well expect that you will pick up the pace contact-wise and now is the time to withdraw. Your message was spot-on. You have done a good job!!! Now go and find the perfect birthday card, and start writing the perfect message. G xx Link to comment
spatzcolumbo Posted March 1, 2004 Share Posted March 1, 2004 ...thats another problem...the perfect message!!! I'm gonna have to think over that carefully!! Because i don't want to write anything that sounds like i am putting in too much effort, but i want dont want to be too aloof either. I decided on the most awful card i could find - really cheesy - mainly because that is something we have always done - tried to send the worst cards we could find!!! Anyway, now i'm off to concentrate on thinkin up that message ;-) Link to comment
GeeCee Posted March 1, 2004 Share Posted March 1, 2004 Spatz The perfect message?? You know that it should be light and friendly and full of good wishes. You will be fine. How r u feeling today? Do you find the sadness comes in waves? I was feeling OK yesterday, full of bravado, but it is such a shocking thing to have to keep your spirits up all the time, when there are times you just want to crumple up. Today I feel rubbish. Roll on tomorrow, and hopefully there will be more light for all of us. G xx Link to comment
spatzcolumbo Posted March 1, 2004 Share Posted March 1, 2004 Yes there are def times of happiness and sadness!! i've learnt to kinda enjoy the up times while they last - fully knowing that the smallest thing could flip me to feeling down about stuff. I'm waiting for that great bit from the film Swingers - where one day you wake up and you realise it no longer hurts. But you miss the pain. For the same reason you missed your ex - because you lived with it for so long!!! Its just about finding ways of getting through the hard days. And remembering to make the most of the good days!!! Link to comment
determined Posted March 2, 2004 Author Share Posted March 2, 2004 Hey Spatz, Beec and co Just been working really hard and late at my new job and I'm loving it. Today marks a full week of no contact and err well I messed up today, I texted her on the train at 8.45am saying hi and did she know the who a song was by that my ad agency wants to use on top of a tv spot we are making. errr 10.20am and no reply????????? Totally kicking myself now... completely gutted I caved in and I'm thinking that she has just about removed me from her mind, why did I cave in? Guess I was cocky enough to think I could txt her and she's reply. DAMN IT, feel rejected and a fool!!! Link to comment
spatzcolumbo Posted March 2, 2004 Share Posted March 2, 2004 Well i had to wait for a couple of hours for a reply when i texted my ex a few days back. Maybe she is just making you wait. try not to get too worked up about it just yet. You have to just back yourself up by not texting again. i think. Make her realise you won't chase her. Maybe that is what she is looking for? Link to comment
Out to sea Posted March 2, 2004 Share Posted March 2, 2004 Hi Determined, you caved this morning and txt, as I did too and same as you no reply !!! Ah balls, anyways I'm not gonna give it any more thought, has anyone else doing this no contact thing got the feeling that as time passes you begin to feel less and less angst about the whole thing? I would still dearly love to get her back but I don't seem as afraid of not getting her back. Saturday morning I actually wondered to myself if I would have her back( that's of course taking that she came crawling!! Highly unlikely). Anyways that's life. enjoy today all. Link to comment
determined Posted March 2, 2004 Author Share Posted March 2, 2004 Yeah I'm feeling really really low now as a result. Trying to think why she hasn't replied: she doesn't want top hear/speak to me, she's wrapped in another guy and feels like she's betraying him by texting me, she's trying to make me sweat??????? Link to comment
Out to sea Posted March 2, 2004 Share Posted March 2, 2004 Just to let you know, I did get a reply and it was very very frosty so be happy you havent heard anything, as to why she hasn't replied, well it'd only wreck your head to try and figure that one out. C ya. Link to comment
spatzcolumbo Posted March 2, 2004 Share Posted March 2, 2004 If you remember me from a few weeks ago - when she messaged me and i left the reply for three days. Maybe she is doing that? maybe its just good old security tennis all over again. Its hard to say really. But you seemed to be doing really well until today - you hadn't even posted for a good few days!! try to get yourself back to taht level... Link to comment
determined Posted March 2, 2004 Author Share Posted March 2, 2004 Well she texted back, saying how she's had a really stressful 2 days, handing in work late and unfinished, tut tut, see what happens when you leave determined for low grade waste losers!!!!!! I waited a bit, well I was in meetings and texted her back, casual funnt text. Feeling a bit better now but time to leave it at that!!!! Link to comment
Hopingpraying Posted March 2, 2004 Share Posted March 2, 2004 Why do you guys torture yourself with that stuff? I just think if you did no contact they would end up getting ahold of you. They would be the ones to initiate it and give you a bump in the ego. As long as you are willing to put your feelings out there for her she is bound to step on them... Oooooooh the torture. I wish I could do a true no contact, however, because of my daughter I cannot. But I am doing a modified form. No calling to talk to her. I just call to talk to my daughter. She isn't quite two yet so I still need to speak to the wife a bit, but I don't say anything other then how is Lauren doing. Or any questions are directly about her and not about the wife. It has helped me a lot. This forum has helped me a lot!! Link to comment
GeeCee Posted March 2, 2004 Share Posted March 2, 2004 Hey Determined See - not so bad after all. Stop torturing yourself - sometimes she cannot text you instantly. Think back to when the two of you were together - I'm betting that she didn't drop everything and respond instantly then, huh? Glad your job is going so well. G xx Link to comment
determined Posted March 2, 2004 Author Share Posted March 2, 2004 Thanx guys, still at the office 7.30pm ahhhh I neeeed sleep. Next time contact will be by her, nearly got burnt today!! Link to comment
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