determined Posted February 19, 2004 Author Share Posted February 19, 2004 Beec DO you consider my actions moving to the right direction. Had I spoken to her any other time I wouldn't have been able to pull it off, but somehow I managed to last night???? Link to comment
determined Posted February 19, 2004 Author Share Posted February 19, 2004 Mjord, your insight also. How should I play this now? Back completely off. I dont really know though where I go from here, I mean this could go on and on and on and on and never actually materialise into anything. Should I def avoid talking to her about her new found loser???? Thought I was on top ogf this, bit obviously not Link to comment
spatzcolumbo Posted February 19, 2004 Share Posted February 19, 2004 Thats the major problem isn't it - keeping the balance right so that the situation generally improves over time. You want to be making steady progress, but taking your time about it - not rushing things. But then you risk taking too much time, or letting the situation span out over a period which means that the real aim gets lost. Link to comment
Beec Posted February 19, 2004 Share Posted February 19, 2004 Yes, that's the risk, but you also need to know that your chances of being able to fix the wrong of waiting too long are much better than of trying to fix the wrong of chasing too much. Once you seem too needy, you will have a tough time changing that image. If you seem uninterested now, you can change your mind. Link to comment
determined Posted February 19, 2004 Author Share Posted February 19, 2004 That is the main concern. But then again, if we aren't prepared to take that risk then we may as well not play tennis. Guess there is no way to measure any progress as we can't find out what they are REALLY thinking. The best bet is to try and make this not a dominant aspect of our lives. Which I know it is right now. The thing is the less importance we play on this the easier it will be. Guess we need to just get out there and experience other things. I so desperately want to speak/see/have her and the thought of her being with this goon ruins me, but like Mjord and Beec have been saying, continue to think like that and you'll destroy yourself and any chances of getting back. But it is hard, i mean I'm at 4 months she lives 3 hours away on a train and is dating some goon, where have my chances gone now, down the fckn toilet!!!! Link to comment
spatzcolumbo Posted February 19, 2004 Share Posted February 19, 2004 Right, well in a way i am hoping that this is going to be to some extent similar to the topic which started this thread - security tennis. With any luck, the fact that i have not had a reply will mean that she is just playing me at my own game - making me wait. In theory, i am assuming that if she IS playing this game, there is a reason she is playing it - she wants is (perhaps subconsciously) thinking about things, and wants to keep me in the picture, but at a distance. However this also means that if i don't get a reply within 4-5 days, i am probably being unrealstic in hoping that she is 'playing the game'. Link to comment
Beec Posted February 19, 2004 Share Posted February 19, 2004 Well there are two other things about it to remember. If it is over, you still take the same action if she doesn't contact you: none; wait for her. The tough thing is whether you are hoping or not hoping and how you are handling your emotions. Link to comment
spatzcolumbo Posted February 19, 2004 Share Posted February 19, 2004 Well before my reply, i had managed 23 days of no contact. My no contact is based upon not initiating contact. Over the three weeks that went by, i felt really great. I knew i still wanted her back, but felt a lot happier about myself, and the way i was living. I plan to wait for her to contat me again before i make any contact. However, because i am REALLY hoping that i can get back together with this girl, i know i will find it hard, as there is of course every chance that she doesn't want to. My gut feeling is that things could still be really good between us - her reasons for splitting up were that it had got so serious and she felt scared and trapped at such a young age, and that she is 6 hours away for large periods of time, meaning she found it hard to have effectively 2 different lives. There are periods (one month at easter, 3 1/2 months in the summer) when she is five minutes walk away, and these are the times i am looking to for attempting to get back together. Link to comment
spatzcolumbo Posted February 22, 2004 Share Posted February 22, 2004 Well guys, i've been waiting for 4 days now and still no reply from my ex!! I left it for 3 1/2 days before i replied to her message last weekend. I didn't wanna reply too soon, and didn't wanna seem needy or anything. my reply was fine - not too much, not too little. I was hoping that she would either reply straight away or reply after 3-4 days - like i did. But nothing. now i feel really awful again. I can not work it out. If she doesn't want to have anything to do with me, then why text me in the first place...if she wants to be good friends, then why not reply to my message?! It doesn't make any sense. i don't know whether my reply to her was too aloof, or was left too long and that annoyed her or something!! Or maybe she has met someone else and is not replying because of that. But again, if she has, then why message me in the first place?? I don't know whether i should send her a short message asking how things are with her, or whether to give up entirely (which to be honest is not something i feel like i can do right now). i really thought i was making progress. I had managed three weeks, and felt good. Then getting her message on the 15th after i hadn't sent anything for V Day made me feel great - like i had the upper hand and that she was interested...but now obviously that just isnt the case!! I don't know whether to message her to try and get a friendly dialogue going in the hope that i can get things on really good terms for easter (just as we left things on really friendly terms before she left for uni) or whether to continue as i am at the moment, risking her either losing interest entirely, or getting annoyed that i ignore her messages for long periods of time?! Determined, Beec, Majord, Vfunkera, everyone else...Help me guys!! Link to comment
Beec Posted February 22, 2004 Share Posted February 22, 2004 Continue as you are, do not contact her, it's only been a few days. In a few weeks, maybe, you should start to worry if she has lost interest. I think you could go months and still reignite the fire. Link to comment
spatzcolumbo Posted February 22, 2004 Share Posted February 22, 2004 I guess i just find it hard to understand it all...i mean it seems to me that if she was interested then she would have at least texted me back. Or was her text a week ago just testing me to see whether i would reply having not contacted her at all for 3 weeks? I don't get it all!! Why can't things be simple!! I guess i just feel like i am losing my grip on the chances of anything happening. The reason for this being the further it goes without 'positive' signs coming (for instance the text last week which i hope was positive), the more i think that she has completely moved on and has found somebody else. Even though i've been told by countless women that you don't just jump in and out of relationships so quickly and easily. I'm finding it hard to accept that there is only such a small chance that we could get back together. Link to comment
Beec Posted February 22, 2004 Share Posted February 22, 2004 spatz, the insecurity is going to kill you faster than anything else will. Instead of worrying about whether she calls or contacts you, you should be using this time to prepare to use the contact you will probably have in the near future. What are you going to do to seduce her back into a relationship? You should be thinking about this and what works on her to draw up plans in your head, and the more time you get the better your plan will be. It should be designed strictly for her and waht she responds to emotionally and flexible so that you can react to her emotions as they happen. Link to comment
spatzcolumbo Posted February 22, 2004 Share Posted February 22, 2004 Again, that is part of my problem - i know what she responds to in some situations, but she will respond differently in other situations!! For instance, last time i saw her i told her i wouldn't call her when she was at uni. She got upset, but i have stood by it. She said she would call, and that we WOULD speak to each other. but i'm sure part of the reason she hasn;t called is the stubborn streak in her - not wanting to give in. But i also realise it might just be that she has moved on. But would i be right in thinking that after 16 months, even the 'dumper' will not instantly forget the other person. Especially when the break up was so 'uncertain' (in her mind) anyway. I know that the thing she would react to most would me being the strong minded, confident, funny, nice guy she first fell for. but again, there is the problem of how i am able to show that side of me when i don't get to see her at all. Or, as the case is, have any contact with her. Link to comment
Beec Posted February 22, 2004 Share Posted February 22, 2004 Well, when you are really ready to be that guy you describe and can remain aloof and disaffected from anything she does, then you need to create or encourage a little contact. A little to measure her reaction. If her reaction is positive, then you can consider having more. You need to manage the amount, type and results of teh contact you are seeking, the resulting being that sometimes she feels so good for having spoken to you, others she is not so sure. If you are ready, create a little contact perhaps for her birthday, which I think is soon. In the meantime and even after you have contact, keep looking at your game and trying to refine it to improve it. Link to comment
determined Posted February 23, 2004 Author Share Posted February 23, 2004 I got a promotion at work on fri and I'm being moved to my agencies swished offices in west london. Feeling confident I texted the ex to let her know as I was really buzzed up about this. She replied saying how brilliant that was, dow she was impressed and really happy for me. She then said she was in our uni bar and how it wasn't the same without me. I didnt reply. I then texted her on Sunday saying she had some mail and I';d send it up to her. She replied with more praise about my job. So that was my last bit of contact. My campaign thereforeeee has consisted of a few influential people who I know who know her being told about my exaggerated dating and player like events and then a few texts to her and then backing off. Slowly slowly catched the monkey. Beec, Spatz, Mjord, Vfunkera: Do you think this is a good tactic I'm usisng or will I go too far where she thinks I'm arrogant etc? What should be my next steps, continue with a new wave of no contact???? Link to comment
spatzcolumbo Posted February 23, 2004 Share Posted February 23, 2004 Continue with another wave of no conatct - i think that is ideal - you have showed her you're doing well - she has showed positive signs of interest, and you have managed to refrain from getting too excited about this. Withhold the contact for now and wait for her to come to you again. Link to comment
determined Posted February 23, 2004 Author Share Posted February 23, 2004 could these signs of interest simply be her seeking validation or feelings of guilt though??? Link to comment
spatzcolumbo Posted February 23, 2004 Share Posted February 23, 2004 Well it is possible, but i would personally read it as interest. But that is just me, and it is ENTIRELY possible that i've missed the mark completely!! Link to comment
GeeCee Posted February 23, 2004 Share Posted February 23, 2004 Determined, Beec, Majord, Vfunkera and Spatzcolumbo - I take my hat off to you all and raise a glass of champagne in your honour. The advice and words of encouragement floating through the ether from you guys is truly fabulous and heartwarming. Determined - I hope you get your woman - she surely doesn't have any idea. Beec - I would love to be seduced by you - all the way baby!! Majord - you sound like a prize among men. And the rest of you - keep on doing a fantastic reward. You will be rewarded!!! G xx Link to comment
majord23 Posted February 23, 2004 Share Posted February 23, 2004 Firstly GeeCee…thanks for your kind words….not sure about being a prize among men though (although prizes are kept on shelves, aren't they ) Determined, So sorry that I haven't been around mate – life turned hectic there for a while (mostly job-related unfortunately ). You continue to astound me my friend, you are doing really well. So far you have played (I hate using the word 'played'…but is a game to a degree) it perfectly. Be very careful now though….she is definitely showing signs of interest, but that doesn't mean that her motives have changed whatsoever. She could be 'fishing' for security again…waiting for you to give her some indication that you are still there for her….before she rests on that particular laurel. You may feel a tendency to let your guard down a little at the moment…afterall, things seem to be heading In the right direction….BUT if you *do* relax and overstep the mark even a little, you can almost bet your bottom dollar that she will withdraw again. Your contact has been ok. You have, as you say, made your presense felt again….and then withdrawn. Make sure that you keep it that way though. Sometimes resuming even a little contact can result in the floodgates opening once again because you feel more comfortable contacting her (and seemingly not getting hurt in the process), but it has the potential to spiral until you get frustrated/angry with a perceived lack of progress….and end up saying something regretful – and then you have to start at the bottom of the ladder again. Don't fall into that trap. To keep yourself focussed, just remember that the end of this saga must come from her. You cannot plant ideas in her head about getting back together, you cannot convince her to change her mind….she has to do it herself, and she has to completely commit herself to wanting to 'give it another go' before you tell her how you feel. Cards and Chest….keep them inseparable! As for what you do now – don't consume yourself worrying about what she may or may not be thinking or feeling. Concentrate solely on yourself…and go back to no contact. Wait for her to contact you again mate….she will. Link to comment
Beec Posted February 23, 2004 Share Posted February 23, 2004 GeeCee, thanks. You are tempting me to jump on a flight. JFK is not far from home, from there its five hours in the air. All part of my belief that if we were seducing each other, which requires us to step outside our selves and insecurities, we would all be better off. Wish I always put into practice what I preach. I have much to learn, but I keep working on it. determined, you are doing ok, but I would back off on the praise coming through to her about how wonderful your life is. She has gotten some of it, you don't want to flood her with stuff like this to make her feel that there is no room for her in your life, thereby encouraging her to stay with the other guy. Also, if you bring her too low, she will not be a good partner until she is built back up. Not sure of her thinking on what you did. Calling her to share with her your promotion should give her a little encouragement, you still want to tell her these things, and she fed you bakc a lift with her comments to you, especially the second time. Going rushing back to her with praise or contact now is not the right move, after two weeks of nothing. So I would go back to no contact. Wait to see if she contact you and give it two weeks, at least. You don't want your game to get into a two week pattern, but it is better than nothing. You want calm casual contact to slowly increase. Link to comment
GeeCee Posted February 24, 2004 Share Posted February 24, 2004 Determined Totally agree with Beec (I am sure you will notice that there is one hell of a mutual admiration society developing here!!!). And as for Majord - you are definitely not shelf material!! Back to you D - subtle hints about how good life is going are fine - in fact it's all good. You must be seen to be getting on with your life without her -you are doing better than surviving - hell you're flying off to Malaysia soon. However, you don't want to alienate her - she needs to feel that she can still add value to her life - and leaping too far ahead without her, would I think be pretty detrimental to your situation. Equally agree that you don't want to get into one of those ridiculous two-week tournaments - doesn't serve anyone well. Good idea to have shared your success with her - shows that you still care. Now wait for her to return to you of her own initiative - don't want to appear too needy. I shall count the days with you Determined. I know it hurts. I still think that the ball is in your court - and she wants to play with you, rather than against you. Keep on vollying - I think that you are due a pretty long round soon - one of the French Open types!!!! G xx P.S. How wise we are when it is not our own lives we are fcng up!!! Link to comment
Beec Posted February 24, 2004 Share Posted February 24, 2004 Totally agree with Beec (I am sure you will notice that there is one hell of a mutual admiration society developing here!!!). P.S. How wise we are when it is not our own lives we are fcng up!!! Oooh, I am getting excited. And isn't that P.S. the truth, to which my last two weekends with arguments will attest. Link to comment
determined Posted February 24, 2004 Author Share Posted February 24, 2004 Thank you indeed GeeCee, your words of support are greatly appreciated. I really hope I do get to my goal, but its a long trek and my tennis shoes may get worn out....but Beec, Mjord, Spatz, street etc have had me in training so hopefully I should be ok. Well it was Sunday when she last texted me, saying she loved my news. Since then I haven't contacted her at all, well its only day 2. Time for second no contact campaign to break her down a bit more. Last weekend she spent in our university town in Newcastle so she didn't go off to see the ape like loser, surely if they were that wrapped she would be spending every spare moment with him. What I'm a little concerned about is the fact she may be intimidated by my work progress, my new found social life and my apparent player like female style. Will this prevent her from opening up to me....as she may fear rejection. On the other hand if she really really did reach a point where she wanted me back surely she'd take the plunge??? Anyway, I think I'm far far away from that point...if I ever get there. Really hope one day I can put a success story up here guys, guess. But thanks to everyone on here for helping myself and Spatz, guess we are all minor enotalone celebs. Bring on the groupies!!!! Link to comment
spatzcolumbo Posted February 24, 2004 Share Posted February 24, 2004 This security tennis post has made me feel like i'm part of a tight-knit little group!! by the way Beec, it says its ur birthday today on the main page Happy Birthday 92 though?!?? Link to comment
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