determined Posted February 17, 2004 Author Share Posted February 17, 2004 Beec That's a very good way of thinking. I shouldn't really be rushing this. This has to be a planned, well thought and driven by manipulation smarter than her. I was considering texting her with a simple "Hi" but that would be absolutely the most stupid thing to dao and ruin my work of 2 weeks so far. Thank you for your logical support, I truly appreciate it. Have you seen or heard of this working, boy girl break up and get back together even after a year of being apart? Mjord, yeah, I shouldn't take every piece at face value. To be fair I've wired information into the grape vine which isn't strictly true: "Yeah mate I'm great, this new girl is awesome, off to a country cottage for a valentines weekend with loads of booze and music", "Yeah, I'm so happy with her, she's great etc" "Holidays? Yeah I'm off to Maylaysia for a month, I know a girl out there who works for my company as she's invited me over". Was this a stupid move, going too far etc, My friends at home think I'm a real player....sadly this isn't the complete truth, but I've managed to create this illusion and I know this will soon drip down to my ex along the incestious line of communication. 2 weeks and 2 days and no contact. What's the longest you guys have gone without contact from the ex and then been surprised with an attempt at communication. It is a fear that this will simply go on on on and on as a mutual stand off. Link to comment
spatzcolumbo Posted February 17, 2004 Share Posted February 17, 2004 The situation is hard because she is 6 hours away at uni - i know for a fact that i am not going to see her for at least another month!! In between now and then is also her birthday, which would obviously seem strange if i don't contact her between now and then, and then send her a card out of the blue. Because she is at uni, i guess it would be easy for her to read into my silence as 'no longer bothered'. So anyway because of the distance, the body language is irrelevant - making it slightly harder to tell what the level of interest is from either side. in a way i feel like if there IS some level of interest that she will chase it again if i leave it, but that is a risk which may not be worth taking. Its just very hard to know how much to read into messages like that from her!! And i don't want her to think that i am fine with just being friends - there is always the risk that me not sending her anything for V Day and her messaging out of the blue was just a complete coincidence. I don't want her to think that she can get away with keeping me at a distance by messaging me every three weeks or so!! By the way Determined, i think i read somewhere that around 3 weeks is quite often the time that the ex gets confused about why you haven't contacted her for so long. Link to comment
Beec Posted February 17, 2004 Share Posted February 17, 2004 My longest period with no contact was from June to October, then slowly contact increased until we got back together at New Years. We broke up while she was living with extended family, with whom she did not get along. She moved out in October and I had enough stuff to set up two kitchens. I had always offered her that stuff. She called me up in October, asking for her stuff back, which was not this stuff at all. We played phone tag, she got amd when I did not drop off things right away, then told me forget it, then told me what she really wanted. We amde arrangements, then continued to stay in cotnact but never saw each other. Finally, she asked me over to her place for a party on New Years' Eve. I had a few dates with other women after that, but we were back together exclusively within another two months. Link to comment
determined Posted February 17, 2004 Author Share Posted February 17, 2004 Having a bad day today, which is surprising as I got a good nights sleep. Can't help thinking of ex and new found baboon boyfriend. Man it's making me boil today. I really dont want to feel this anger as its counter productive. I'll get to the point where I hate her as opposed to loving her which will screw everything up as I'll seek some kind of vengence. This is going to drive me to texting her. I'm remembering your words, dont act on anger!!! I hate this guy so much I could literally have a contract put out on him and never feel guilty. Argh, breathe ..... Link to comment
spatzcolumbo Posted February 17, 2004 Share Posted February 17, 2004 Remember what we have all said at some point - Anger will get you nowhere. If you need to get angry, go up to your bedroom, get a large pillow, and play the game i like to call 'physically insane nutter'. If you get angry with the pillow it won't run to the new boyfriend. if you get angry with your ex, she will. Think pillows. Link to comment
determined Posted February 17, 2004 Author Share Posted February 17, 2004 You're right Spatz i'm being weak today....my pillow is gonna get some kickin when I get home...little feathery twat!!!! Link to comment
determined Posted February 17, 2004 Author Share Posted February 17, 2004 Ok Ok this is not how the player would act, the player would think about it, smirk and think "pathetic really" and carry on his day. In regard to previous stuff guys )mjord, beec, spatz, street) should I really not be phased by this 2 week no contact and this other guy? I know I seem like I keep looking for re assurance, but my mind is going mad today. At what point do I consider the no contact has gone too far and either make a break for the border or throw the towel in. Or should I remain "determined" until the day I die???? Link to comment
spatzcolumbo Posted February 17, 2004 Share Posted February 17, 2004 Don't crack yet. trust me. most people seem to have a mad few days around day 12. I did, and i cracked, and started all over again. So the second time round, i've coped a lot longer. 2 weeks is not long enough for her to work out her own thoughts. 2 weeks is not long enough for her to have formed a proper bond with this other guy - not when your breakup is fresh...even if things went on with this other guy previously. Don't throw in the towel. its not about throwing in the towel. You don't just give up on someone like that - you slowly, gradually change your perspective. Over time. At the moment you are angry, and you want to meet someone else to rub it in her face that she is with a loser. Why do you want to do this? Because you still care for her. If you didn't then you wouldn't want to rub it in her face. That is the frustrating thing. Its annoying when the only real reason you want to be with someone else is to show the ex what she is missing out on...cos then you realise its not the other person you really want. Go back over this post and read all the positive posts - the reasons NOT to give up. and always remember, "Pillows". Link to comment
Beec Posted February 17, 2004 Share Posted February 17, 2004 When can you do it and be entirely disaffected by her contact, act like whether she desires you are not does not matter? Maybe then, but still you should wait a while to make sure. Did you read my last? I went 4 months with nothing, then had limited contact. We no longer are dating, but I could get her back tomorrow. My actions toward her are very disaffected. I am darn nice to her, and know how to do things that make her happy. However, I do it from a distance. (Read emotional fulfillment, for example, she is from another country, and for her birthday I arranged to have a cake made in her country's style delivered to her. She loved it.) So, she is there, I don't want her right now, but the pots not off the stove. When you can deliver emotional fulfillment, seeemingly as only a friend, do it, but only when you can be entirely disaffected. When contact starts to move in the right direction, you may lose some of your being disaffected, but that has to be preceded by her actions. Stick to it. Link to comment
determined Posted February 17, 2004 Author Share Posted February 17, 2004 thanks guys for the pick me up. Just having a bad day, not normally like this as I've been going from strength to strength. You're right, 2 weeks of no contact is nothing. Is 4 months long enough for her to be completely wrapped in this new guy? She tells me and her friends that she isn't emotionally involved and she only gets to see him every other weekend. Just need to try and control this anger thing Link to comment
spatzcolumbo Posted February 17, 2004 Share Posted February 17, 2004 Look at it this way - how long did it take you and her to really really bond when you were seeing each other? With NO distractions of any previous relationships clouding anybody's judgement. it will be the same for her and the new guy. At the moment, you can be SURE that she is still at least partially clouded by the situation between you and her. While there is tension there from either side, there will be at least some barrier to her properly bonding with the new guy. Link to comment
determined Posted February 18, 2004 Author Share Posted February 18, 2004 So last night. After work I met up with the casual girl I'm seeing (but haven't been intimate with) she's all happy as she's just had a pay rise etc and we sit in a bar and chat as London flies by. As you may remember yesterday was amy 2 weeks and 2 day mark and I was in a bad way with the no contact but stood fast. All is jolly, I start to calm down and enjoy the company. After a few drinks I go home to the uncle's (where i live, with my exs uncle), he takes me out for a few more drinks to this really cool acid jazz bar in south London. So we're both hammered in these 2 huge lazy boy chairs. I'm screwing around with a lighter in my hand hygenically clensing my nails with it (i know its gross but I was drunk) and this awesome girl with the tightest butt sits on the arm of my chair high. Quite shocked as I didnt see her there my head spun and I was so smoothe that the ciggy in my mouth managed to burn her lovely sexy arm (nice one), she flies off the chair and I jump up screaming "im so so so so sorry can I get you a drink" whilst my overcoat catches my pint and send it with a one way mission to the floor. The ground did not respond to my inner monologue and eat me up but left me stood there looking down at my destroyed pint, a girl with a burn arm and a general drunken state. "I think you better get yourself one first" she says, we go to the bar have a few drinks, exchange numbers all is good in the hood. Outside I check my phone: missed call and the dialing code is from Newcastle, where my ex and I are at uni (im in london on a placement) ok ok dont get too thinky about this determined...could be anyone. So I start to think...hmm no I have that person on my phone, that person, that person, so if these people who's number I have on my phone called it would've shown their name not their number. For some reason I never got my school mates, who live in newcastle.,..with my ex, number into my phone. So it might be from there. Gt home check last call same number, now this lowers it really down because hardly anyone has my number at the uncle's, maybe a few but my ex certainly does. So someone tried to call me on my mob, at home left no message though. So do I try and find out if it was her or my mates from school, would be my luck that it wasnt her but them. Also trying not to feel too confident now, but it has certainly lightened my mood. However by finding out it wasn't her that could be quite destructive to my semi up beat mood. Sorry for the detail of my night, thought I would lighten the mood with my attempts at "being a player" Link to comment
determined Posted February 18, 2004 Author Share Posted February 18, 2004 ok just found out from the flat mate that it was her trying to call me. Stupidly sent a text just now "did you try calling me last night?Wassup". WAS THIS STUPID GUYS. I didn't actually break the no contact....she did she did she did! I was simply "fulfilling" her attempt to make contact with me. I didnt include any xxx on the text was simply asking if she rang...which I know she did....oh uh.....i know what you're all going to say.....I shouldn't have texted her. Well Luckystart says never initiate but respond. Beec, Spatz, Mjord what do you think. I only had the god damn ball for a night and then threw it right back ARGH...give me my ball back... Link to comment
spatzcolumbo Posted February 18, 2004 Share Posted February 18, 2004 Hahah determined you're asking ME, yet i am still trying to decide whether to reply to my ex's message from Sunday!!! God i am useless. Luckystar says do not initiate, but reply. but has just given me the advice not to reply to the message from Sunday. Even though every bone in my body (and pretty much everyone else on the board) is saying reply with something meaningless. So i've had my ball for three days now!! Maybe she's still the other side of the net waiting for it back, maybe not!! With your situation...i don't see it as being a massive problem or anything - you didn't initiate it, you kept it simple, short, and neutral. As long as she doesn't find out that you already KNOW it was her... By the way, i had a mini breakthrough of my own last night...i realised that i am actually happier with my life in general since we split up. not because we split up - i am still gutted about that. but the split made me look at a number of things - the main one being me being depressed about not living with all my mates at uni and having a uni social life any more. I realised that the split made me the same guy i was when i was at uni - more confident, going out more, working out every day and stuff. I jsut wish she could see it, cos i KNOW it would have a positive effect!! Link to comment
determined Posted February 18, 2004 Author Share Posted February 18, 2004 to my text "did you try calling me last night? wassup" she simply replied with "nothing actually." no xx nothing. Is this her being moody etc. Do I ring her now??? Link to comment
determined Posted February 18, 2004 Author Share Posted February 18, 2004 well she sent another text saying "yeah it was me that rang you last night...by accident...on purpose..sorry" I replied saying "why are you sorry Im not going to hang up on you" haven't heard back. Did I mess up here guys???? Link to comment
majord23 Posted February 18, 2004 Share Posted February 18, 2004 well she sent another text saying "yeah it was me that rang you last night...by accident...on purpose..sorry" I replied saying "why are you sorry Im not going to hang up on you" haven't heard back. Did I mess up here guys???? Whoa, I don't post for a day and the whole operation turns to crap!! (jokes bro) Personally I wouldn't have responded to her last text...it didn't require a reply and may have started her wondering if you were angry with her etc. Having said that, no you haven't gone too far at all - you're still going great guns determined! In future though, if she doesn't ask a question....don't answer. If she does ask a question.....make her wait a few hours (or overnight if she texts you at night). Mate, am on my way out...but will post tomorrow. I'm proud of you bro.....it is working....but don't get carried away, don't respond over-enthusiastically - now is the crucial time...the time to really make her sweat Link to comment
spatzcolumbo Posted February 18, 2004 Share Posted February 18, 2004 any input on my situation? Its back a few pages now, but i still have no idea whether to message or not. Some people say no, some say yes!! Link to comment
Beec Posted February 18, 2004 Share Posted February 18, 2004 Spatz, You need to understand the purpose of the "no contact" and execute on it. Two purposes, in my mind: remove you from what pains you; stop you from doing soemthing foolish. Some contact is good, if it can be managed with apparently disaffected emotions. If she knows you want her rushing back into your arms, she is not coming. If she thinks, you may not want it, she will want to come more. This is the general game played by the coquette in a seduction. She proides soem attention to you, then withdraws it. She makes you happy, then acts like she could care less about you. And when she withdraws and creates space between you and her, thenyou run int toward her to fill up that space. Can you manage the contact?? Can you be vague and aloof?/ Can you do it without being cold toward her?? If you can, tehn I say contact her? If you cannot manage the contact, stay away because you will just be screwing it up. If you ignore her messages for too long, you only send a message you might not be interested. You can change this message in the future. Too, too long, and it will be tougher to change the message. It's your game, you need to understand the game and then play it. Link to comment
spatzcolumbo Posted February 18, 2004 Share Posted February 18, 2004 Thanks Beec, i understand my own game and where i want to go with it - i know i can send an aloof, 'nothing' message to her. I had planned something along the lines of "Hi! Can't believe it took a year for the card to arrive! I'm doing great - really busy. Hope ur ok, good to hear from you" That mentions nothing at all about the relationship, says i am keeping busy, etc etc. I was just unsure how no contact works when they initiate - even after re-reading a load of other posts!! I get the no contact rule and what it is meant to do, but was not sure how to handle this particular situation!! Cheers for the suggestions Link to comment
Beec Posted February 18, 2004 Share Posted February 18, 2004 Be careful to make sure you don't seem too cold. You don't want to need her, but you want her to feel good because of your contact. You give her an emotional up without ever divulging your feelings. Link to comment
determined Posted February 19, 2004 Author Share Posted February 19, 2004 Well guys, the story unflolds. Went out with guys from work, got quite hammered...again. Then she calls, I dont pick up but on the train home I did the phone rang and rang and rang and I was thinking "uh oh here comes rejection to slap me in the face again" She picks up and basically we have the best chat ever since well.....since all this started. No relationship talk, no tears, just giggling and laughing. She kept on call me by my pet name and sweetheart which I desperately tried to abvoid. Never said miss love you hust literally a little catch up. I said I have to go as I was on my mobile at which point she says "I'll ring you back" she does and more giggling and chatting. Told her I had to go and that was that. For the first time ever I gauged this as a good call, not that I consider this to be a turning point or anything but I was able to act confident, aloof and funny. Now time for the withdrawl. Wont text her, wont call her and see how that works. Any opinions, was this wrong??? Link to comment
spatzcolumbo Posted February 19, 2004 Share Posted February 19, 2004 Determined, i think you've done really well - i think that is a GOOD thing. As for my situation, I've taken everyones opinions into consideration, and decided i should message my ex in reply to her message at the weekend. Luckystar suggested i shouldn't, but ALL other opinion said yes, so i went with the majority (thanks luckystar for all the suggestions though). I sent her an aloof, friendly, neutral message. As yet, no reply from her. That was early last night. So now i feel kinda crap, because i guess if there was any level of interest on her part she would have replied by now!! I felt like after she messaged me after V Day that i had the upper hand. Now i feel like it was all false hope, and i've given the ball back to easily. Maybe it pissed her off that i waited so long to reply. Sunday morning to Wednesday evening. i dunno. She would have replied by now. Link to comment
Beec Posted February 19, 2004 Share Posted February 19, 2004 Spatz, Stop worrying so much. You worry about giving the ball back and about waiting too long to do it. You cannot have done both wrong. Relax, I am sure you are fine. She just wants to make you wait too. You are not the only who is going to play this game. She can work it too. Link to comment
spatzcolumbo Posted February 19, 2004 Share Posted February 19, 2004 Cheers Beec - Determined told me the same!! I gotta chill out a bit - just like i've been for the 3 weeks before she messaged me!! Thanks for the supporting words! Link to comment
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