Security Tennis

[determined]

I don't know about anyone else but myt ex and I play what I call security tennis.

 

Basically she's with someone else and knows I'm seeing someone else also. We've been spli for 3.5 months after a 2 year relationship living together. Anyway we try and keep our distance but can't help but txt each other once or twice a week. What we do is she'll txt me that she is thinking of me I'll ignore this for 3 or 4 days cave in and txt her. She will ignore me for 3 or 4 days and then bounce that security ball back. Whenever she txts me I feel good as I don't reply and have the upper hand on no contact, but then I'll whack the ball back over with a I'm thinking of you too after 3 days. It's mad, but even though we don't talk on the phone I know she is aware of this power game we play.

 

The question is I want to do the no contact to heal and obviously get her back. If I just start ignoring her txts, like list night "hi how are you xxxx" will this do more damage than good?

[vfunkera]

Determined you are in a beautiful set-up to get her back.

 

Remember she is the past, and you already have someone new so why waste your time with her? This new girl wants to be with you, she apparently doesn't so why play at all? Put down your racket and tell her i have better things to do. Look to the future not the past.

 

If you still want your ex back then this is very harsh on this new girl who is putting her effort in making it work. You are playing with her and your ex. Choose one or lose both. Don't use her for security and comfert becayse it will fire back at you.

PLease consider this before reading the next part of my post.

 

I read your post and was shaking my head at what you are doing. If you still want her back, man, stop the texting right now! Completely stop it for God sake! She is clearly missing you because she can't resist the texting as much as you can!

 

The question is I want to do the no contact to heal and obviously get her back. If I just start ignoring her txts, like list night "hi how are you xxxx" will this do more damage than good?

 

*tututututututut shakes his head in dissappointment*

First of all your not going to heal if you keep in contact. Does the fact that you can't resist texting after a few days sound like healing from the ex? Does it? So stop, especially if it is an irrelevent, pointless message like that.

 

Secondly imagine suddenly the texting stopped for 2 weeks. You would think that she is finally starting to move on won't you (and she is)? That in turn will make you miss her more yes? You've been played, and you want her back. She could walk away, you couldn't right?

 

Its time for you to take this action. Stop the texting and she will miss you. She will regret not getting back with you because you are moving on and she is still twidiling with her phone waiting for a reply. SHE WILL WANT YOU BACK, thats what you want right? The more you carry on replying the more you will wait for the reaction you are looking for.

 

Oh and one more thing.

 

hi how are you xxxx

 

Don't ever ever put kisses on the end of your messages when texting your exes, unless you want them back. Because you are telling her you are not moving on and she will have no competition for her spot, and keep you waiting.

 

Alot of people would LOVE to be in your shoes right now determined. Are you determined or not? PLay it right, Good luck my friend,

[spatzcolumbo]

so what does it mean when your ex (if they dumped you) puts 'xxxx' or 'X' at the end of a message then?? Surely it doesn't just mean they don't really wanna lose you?? I've been trying to figure this out in my head for a few years!!!

[determined]

Vfunkera

 

Thank you indeed for your reply. Yes I'm being played but I haven't replied to her ^How are you?xxxx" message. This new girl I'm seeing is very much aware of my ex and how I feel. It's not a deep and meaningful, I haven't lied or hiddedn anything from her, we simply have fun together. But thank you for your advice.

 

Also I do want her back, so you really believe if I dont reply to this message she will miss me more? She is with someone else but decided to tell me she thinks he's a loser etc etc, which he is. Dont worry guys and gals, I just scored an ace in the game, she txted me last and that's how it shall stay, no more feeding her security, I'm walking off the court, if she follows cool, if not then I'll play ball else where

[determined]

Vfunkera

 

Would you elaborate on why my situation is good for getting back? I don't actually see it myself as we dont actually talk on the phone, just a txt here and there.

 

That statement you made confused me????????

[Beec]

I have a different, but not entirely differnet read on this. You both do this texting back and forth. You admit to feeling good when you get her messages. You are just having fun with your new girl, so it is not a serious relationship. She thinks he new guy is a loser. You are both in a trasitional phase, trying to figure out where to go from the break-up. Neither wants to close the door on the old relationship, neither is committed to the new relationships, and both receive some emotional fulfillment from know the other still cares, so you have not filled the hole left by the relationship.

 

The minimal amount of contact you have does not seem to cause you pain, so the "no contact" rule may not apply.

 

There is so indication you want to "get her back" in a vengeful way, which is not healthy and will not help you "get her back" in the relationship sense.

 

Your first thing to figure out is what you want. Until you do, I would not change the amount of contact you have. She has given some indication, she wants the relationship back. Shunning her messages to you, may convince her to give up on a relationship. Increasing the contact may help you get the relationship back, or if done in a whole bunch chase her away. If you want the relationship back, you want to continue fulfilling the emotional need she gets from your messages, while remaining independent and/or aloof from your ex and the relationship. If you just want to leave that option open, continue as you are doing. If you want to get back into it, then arrange to have you and her bump into each other, and read her body language as to what she wants. It will tell you. Then slowly begin to fulfill more of her emotional needs, especially those things you did when you frist dated, and remain allof and independent. She will being to indicate her desire to get back in, and you are there.

[determined]

Whenevr I said get her back I meant back into the relationship. I'm not vengeful towards her at all although I should be. So now I'm torn.

 

In order to get her back and thinking of me do I:

 

A. Stop replying to her, make her see what it's like when I am not there

 

B. Maintain minimal contact, which she initiates and just keep going on as I do now???

 

We've been in contact for all the 3.5 months, she cheated on her new idiot with me, kissed me, hugged me, told me she loved me all the time we have been split, but no real progress has been made to getting back together so I am completely unable to make an objective decison here. I'm living with her uncle still as we get on really well and she has moved back to our university town. Even if I was to severe contact she knows I'm with her family. I feel like I should strip her of my support and feeding of security. She left me, she went with some other guy etc. At the same time we get on like no one else, we are the best of friends, all the companion stuff etc so I guess I'm losing that, but then again what am I really gaining from just a txtx a week but a simple maintainance of contact??? Well I got loads of friends I can call, why have one I feel like I can't!!!!

 

I reckon I go with the no contact, despite the fact I buzz off her attention and vice versa.....I got the last one anyway

[Beec]

In this case, I think no contact is not the way to go.

 

Simple formula: fulfill her emotional needs, remain aloof and independent, people want what they can't have, people make decisions based on their emotional needs.

 

Think about it. The girl who comes up and flirts with a guy and makes then feel special make the guy want her. She fulfilled his emotional needs. (Part 1) If she begins to become dependent or clingy, the emotional needs that is fulfilled by her is not worth the price she demands. If she is independent, the guy still wants her. (Part 2) If the guy will not make a move, then she can threaten to be unavailable to him, resulting in him making a move or losing her. She sees if he can override his shyness with his desire for her. (Part 3) Her makes a decision based upon whether his desire is more important than his shyness. If she lets him know he is risking little by making a move, the he has no shyness problem. So, she can send him the message that he should ask her out, and she will say yes. (Part 4) Doesn't this sound familiar?

 

If you cut all contact, you are in danger of her finding out she can live without you. That's not fulfilling an emotional need, but showing her she has no need or driving her to get it elsewhere. So don't cut her off, if you want her back.

 

But you remaining independent is key. Sooner or later, though you need to threaten to not be there to fulfill her needs. I would pull her in, get closer, fulfill more of what she wants from a guy, then deliver the message that you are going to stop doing the little game of Tennis as you call it, you are going to stop being there for her unless and until she wants to be your woman and committ herself to that, and if she doesn't, you will find someone else that will.

[determined]

Well, I was drunk and ended up messaging her for a chat "are you awake? and err alone?"

 

She didn't reply, which sent me into a self cursing fit all the way whilst drunk. Woke up this morning for work, first thing I said was "tosser" as I brushed my teeth in the mirror. Walking in to work kicked a can "ahhh I'm such a weak loser, now she has my tennis ball". Sat at my desk, logged on, ring ring "Hi it's me" YES I HAVE MY BALL BACK.

 

She was thanking me for sending some details to her dad about a job I thought would be really good for her. Hungover I was able to act aloof which was really shock. She's never called me at work before! She said "So when am I going to see you again?". Now we live 3 hours apart I'm in London and she's in Newcastle that doesn't just mean a coffee, that means staying at someone's flat "err, umm, I don't know Jo" I replied "Oh ok, well will you call me on Sunday and we can chat then about it, you are free on Sunday aren't you, you're not at a new gf's house or anything?", "well, err (still hungover), yeah, I should be in on Sunday," "Cool then I'll speak to you then", "Ok speak soon take car" "Bye sweet"

 

And that was that, rang me from no where when usually she just sends me a text????? Now do I fulfil her need and call her on Sunday?????? I want her back but at the same time surely a jump/how high situation is something I should avoid, or am I reading to deep into a simple telephone request.

 

Any help would be thoroughly appreciated

[spatzcolumbo]

Tricky one. She says she wants you to call her...but i'm not sure you should. i mean if she really wants to speak to you then she will phone you regardless of whether or not you call her. You could always send a text later in the day saying something like "hey there, i'm just going out to see a friend for a few hours, but maybe we'll talk later??"

 

That way, you suggest that you're busy for part of the day, but you'd still like to talk to her, and by saying "maybe we'll talk later??" you are suggesting that it won't necessarily be you that calls, but she is welcome to phone you if she wants to. That way you still get to stay relatively in control.

[determined]

ok, but wont this make her angry, push her away, think I'm doing it on purpose???

 

How much control do I take here, do I turn everything onto my terms???

 

Can't think objectively

[spatzcolumbo]

well i'm not sure if it would make her angry - but even if it does, thats n0ot a bad thing. You told her you would probably be in on Sunday - but you have a life, and you're allowed to change your mind. You can suggest that "maybe we'll talk later" which leaves it open for her to phone you, but also means you can still call her if you feel like it, maybe Sunday night - thus giving her a chance to call you first. If she gets angry about it, then she is eventually going to have to ask herself WHY she is angry about it. Thats the way i am trying to think at the moment - if my ex contacts me and i ignore her, she might get angry that i am not replying. but at the end of the day, if she gets angry, then i know there is still some kind of feeling there which she needs to resolve. That kind of anger is not always a bad thing in these situations i don't think.

 

Besides, i don't see why she would get angry anyway - you're not saying you WON'T speak to her...

[determined]

Ok, I'll give it a go. It's hard when all I want to do is actually talk to her and I don't want to be mean, despite what she's put me through. Well, I'll try anyway

[spatzcolumbo]

Yeah it is hard i know what you mean - i am finding it hard doing the same thing. i got angry with my ex about the way she treated me, but it lasted for a few hours before i had to call her to apologise for some of the things i had said - because i know that is not how i really feel. but what i suggested is not being mean - its just testing her, in the same way that she is testing you to see if you will call.

[determined]

So does everyone else think that it would be the right thing to do, not to call her as she has asked me to?

 

If I do am I serving her demands again or am I simply starting to build a bridge of communication?

[Beec]

Well, you said you would talk to her on Sunday. That's kind of a little committment. You don't want to be someone she cannot count on, while you are trying to that No. 1 item of fulfilling her needs. So, yes, I would tell you to call.

 

A bridge of communication?? What the $@#! (expletive delted) is a bridge of communication and why do you want one?? You don't want her to know how you feel, you want to be aloof, independent, without need of her or her approval. At the same time, you want to make her feel good, to feel good when she is around you, i.e. to get some emotional fulfillment.

 

The hangover call was great, you reminded me of a recent sitcom rerun I saw (That 70s Show), in which on of the characters was teaching another to be Zen, to not give away her feelings, etc. She learned to comment on a suggestion from another to say cool and/or whatever. A third character comes in and asks if she wants to go to the mall, She responds "Cool." Then she is asked what "cool" means and she says "whatever." How much more aloof could anyone be?

 

So you want to remain as unaffected by her as you can. When she compliments you, say thank you with out much emotion. When you get a chance, compliment her, but don't do it a lot. Calling her pretty ten or two times a night is bad, once is good. Restrain your compliments to things that do not show your feelings for her, don't tell her it's good to hear her voice, that signifies you miss her. Use compliments that are less than others, "hey gorgeous" is better than saying "God you so beautiful."

 

Make sure you import some sexual content into the conversation. All conversations with women you are pursuing should have at least a hint of sex, even if it is not mentioned. Just a little flirting is all. If not you risk becoming the "male friend" which is as good as being neutered. She cannot neuter you if you keep reminding her, indirectly of course, that you have desire to empty your stuff into her.

 

Don't ask her to call you again at any one time. Tell he she can give you a ring, if she wants to talk again. Wait until she texts you to text her. Play tennis. Frankly, I hate texts or anything but the voice. You can learn much more from the tone of her voice than from her words. You can learn even more from her body language, than both her words and tone of voice combined. If you put the whole package together, you should be able to read her like a book.

 

Be supportive in your conversations of her problems and hurdles in life, but leave your out of it. Ask about what is going on in her lfie and steer her into reaching solutions for her problems. Your life should have no problems, as far as she is concerned. You do not want to "need" her advice. Go elsewhere for advice. Share your successes and fun times, your are indicating your independence. When you have a problem that cannot be ignored and msut be disclosed, indicate that you will be able to handle it. Don't ask for her advice, until you are about to spring Part 3. You are not there yet.

 

When you do go to Part 3, the threat to take away her emotional support, backed up by the idea of "We want what we cannot have." You need to make her come to you. You need to set a code, a level of conduct and committment that she must meet, or you don't have time for her anymore. She either wants to by your woman, and can committ on the level you require, or you will find somewhere else to think about emptying your stuff.

 

Anyway, that's my advice.

 

Finally, if you are so into this one and not the other one, the new girl, just make sure you are levelling with the new girl. Don't play both against the middle, especially if you are actually emptying your stuff somewhere.

 

This whole thing is part of developing the skills of a player, but that doens't mean you need to become a player. Just because I can pick up a woman and have sex whenever I want, doesn't mean I should do that or want to. However, the payer does have the skills to get women and keep them for as long as he wants them. These are the skills, in part, that you are looking for. Go get them, but don't become a player.

[determined]

Beec

 

Thnak you for your diagnosis. I'll print it out for the Sunday show down. I may have a little smoke to make me giggle a bit.

 

I like your reasoning, very logical and more to the point objective. Yeah the hungover call was a bit of comedy for me really, nearly fell off my chair!!

 

Anyway, will update you on my quest to obtain the skills of the player, but without exploiting my jedi powers....I may then turn to the dark side, I'm a rebellion guy through and through.

 

Thank you again

[vfunkera]

I think im a litttle late here! Dam!

 

Determined, Beecs quote on players is completely true and the best way i can explain trying to act when wanting the ex back.

 

So you want to remain as unaffected by her as you can.

The way to go for anyone with regards to the ex.

 

That situation on Sunday is tricky. She will be either testing you or she really means it. I will tell you from my own and from what i have read here, that exes usually call or text and ask for dates and stuff or call your answer phone, as a way of testing you. If you call back they get satisfied that you are still interested and no longer care for your concern. This is where my fears are coming from- that this might be the conclusion for you.

 

Otherwise if i knew that she was sure she wanted you back, then i would tell you to go for it. Consider if and why she is still going out with this other guy as well if she is commtited to get back with you. But then again consider why she calls him a jerk as well!

 

My advice is to go for it. The biggest risk you take in life is not taking a risk, and i also wouldn't want to regret anything if i found out later that she really did want to get back with me and i didn't go.

 

Beware of something else as well. SEX. If she goes this far then i would suggest to stop it immediately. I have heard a million cases where the ex has lured them back and 'bonked on the bed' before ignoring them the next day onwards, leaving the victim back to square one.

 

Good luck

[determined]

Having said that though I've been emotionally supporting her since we split so I think aybe if I did take that away it would get her thinking alot faster than if I did speak to her on Sunday.

 

Just been speaking to all my friends who tell me she i def not worth it and that I can do better and she never knew what she had until now so I'm a bit torn on deciding what to do

[Beec]

 

Beware of something else as well. SEX. If she goes this far then i would suggest to stop it immediately. I have heard a million cases where the ex has lured them back and 'bonked on the bed' before ignoring them the next day onwards, leaving the victim back to square one.

 

 

VFunkera, you're right in what I quoted. This is not entirely unlike the way a guy works in the one-night-stand scenario. We meet, we flirt, we express interest, we hook up, we boink,and suddenly I have not interest in you whatsoever, unless we want to meet and just boink again.

 

If you want to really work a woman, let them know you would be interested in boinking, use words a little more subtle than that, but just not yet. And, refuse to go any further than just kissing, not letting your hands go roaming, no trying to get her clothes off, no nothing, until she lets you know whe wants it all. You end up having her want the sex with you. It's the same philosophy, she wants what she cannot have. You want it, but you remain a little aloof to it, you do not need it, you are not dependent on her approval. By not pushing her toward the bedroom, you get there faster and there is no wondering, will she let me. You have made her commit, you are different than most of the guys she dates, and by the time she makes the move, she is yours and in love with you.

 

Determined, you know seem to be questioning whether you want her on not. That's good, and makes you not just seem aloof, but you are aloof. I would recommend exactly the same course of action I did before, and when you figure out whether you want her or not, then you make he decision. Because she will be there waiting, so long as you don't take months to do it.

[determined]

Well it didn't go to plan guys...please help.

 

She rang on Sunday as I was busy most of the day anyway, she was very civil, we had a really good laugh, then it started getting serious, she was asking where I stayed the other night (new girl's place) I said look we dont need to talk about that, I dont want to know about you and the other guy so lets leave it ok, she starts crying saying she loves me, cries about me alot, can't get over me etc and that this other guy has no emotional weight etc etc. I said look this is getting a bit too much, she asked to see me, I said how can we see each other when everything is so emotioanlly charged. We ended the conversation very friendly and very emotional.

 

Monday I felt bad, I never meant to make her cry, I call her in the evening, says she misses me, I say I miss her, she says I thought you were over me, I never knew you were still in love with me, i say well i am, look why dont I come up and see you this wk end, I'll take you out for dinner, cheer you up etc.

 

Anyway alot of umming and arring we couldn't decide if it was a good idea, we both love each other still, we both miss each other but both scared. She's promised me that she wont mess my head and never wants to hurt me again so we have to be careful.

 

Well I said, ok, here is the deal, lets assume im not coming up, if you want me to then ring or txt before Friday and I'll c u friday afternoon., that way you can think about it That way i dont get a rank message or call saying its not a good idea, something that would really hurt. She says Ok and she'll speak to me soon.

 

Well that was Monday, its now Wednesday lunch time and no txt or call from her to say come up.We've been split up 3 months and do you guys think it was stupid of me to put that suggestion to her. If she doesn't call or txt is that GAME OVER??? I can't think straight, I'm so anxious that she wont call or txt. What do i do if she doesn't????please help, I'm not good at this player thing, how can i be when the girl I love with all my heart is crying down the phone to me????

[Beec]

Ooooh, you fell for he crying ploy. She cried, you crumbled. Giving in to her wishes becaus she is crying is not being aloof. Watch that in the future its dangerous to let her get away with using the crying ploy. Be especially wary if she also uses the whining ploy. These are tools women will use to control you and your emotions. I understand not wanting to see her cry, and I am not saying she made a conscious effort to use her crying to get a reaction from you, but she cried and you showed your cards: that you do care about her and that you are ready willing and able to come see her. No idea how much of what you feel she was able to discern, and I doubt you really know that either, although you have a better guess than I do.

 

What do you do? Sit tight. Maybe she will call, maybe she won't. If she calls, then you said you would go, so do it. If she doesn't call today, make an alternate plan. Make a plan to go out with someone else, preferably a guy or group of guys. Then if she calls at the last minute you will not seem like you were sitting waiting for her. If she does call on Friday afternoon or evening, you want to be out seeming like you are having fun. Will you be having fun? Probably not, as you'll be thinking about her. But, try to have fun.

 

If she does call, and you go, play the same game. You can tell her you still have feeling for her and you wanted it to work between you, but you need to know what's changed between when you broke up and now. Why did the break up happen and what's to assure me that it won't happen again. One of my favorite things to say is that while I need and want a good woman, I know there are a number of them out there. If she gets allo what's the use when you adopt this attitude soften it, and say wait a second, be reassuring, make sure she knows she has a chance, you don't need an answer right now, you are not in any rush to make a decision, but she has to understand that what happened affected you. There the fine line to tread between fulfilling her emotional needs and making her feel that you want her and being independent enough.

 

The crying ploy and how to deal with it: how does a father who is fairly stern but also caring deal with a crying seven year old. He doesn't cave in to do whatever the child wants, he uses a calm demeanor shwoing that he does care but without spoiling the child to get the child to stop. When you see the crying ploy, adopt this type of attitude. It should not be too hard. Anything else and you risk spoiling her and having her cry each time she wants to manipulate you, whether consciously or not. Same thing the father risks if he just gives in to the child.

[determined]

Beec

 

I know I know. God I feel so stupid now with hindsight. DO you think I've blown it completelky??? If she doesn't call or txt for me to see her this weekend, and time is running out...should I have heard by now???, should I leave her to it and wait for her to contact me again?

 

I really hope I haven't screwed this up totally showing my cards AHHHHH! I've made plans fro Friday anyway so hopefully that should take the sting out this mess I've caused

[Beec]

No, No, No, I don't think you blew it. (I make no promises howver.) She was telling you that she cared for you, etc. and exposed herself a bit, in a situation in which you could have hurt her. Imagine rejecting her at the moment she was crying and how she would have felt if you did. I realize you are not about to do that, but at the same time you did not choose to do something that would have used her being vulnerable. You showed cards, but so did she, in fact she was beginning to chase you. She may not call because she really feels vulnerable and wants to get the ball back. Let her hang for while.

 

Still, this is a big warning: men are the ones who are normally supposed to set the rules in the family, without regard to emotion, so crying should not influence them. If you did anything wrong it was not in exposing all of your cards, as you had to give her some indication while she was crying that she had a chance with you. (She was emotionally vulnerable and you had to deliver some fulfillment.) If you did anythign wrong, it was in showing that you were not quite up to assuming the characteristics of a father, as I described them. Face it, you are being tested by women a lot of the time for your suitability as a father. We do the same with women: we want women who put out, but only for us; a woman who runs around instead of tending the home fires, is more likely to run around and not care for her children. (This is my amateur evolutionary psychology.)

 

So what do you do now? Wait, wait for her to call, don't call her, you put the ball in her court, so let her hit it back. If she calls in time, act like you have plans, talk about when you can come up and then do it. If she calls within your deadline, then you have to go. Isn't this what you would expect a good father to do, live up to his promises?? Don't act like you will regret going (this is a rejection and you will not be fulfilling her needs), go and have a good time, just let her know there were other options (You are independent of her.).

 

If she doesn't call in time? and doesn't call? Wait, wait, wait. Then call and tell her you thought she told you what you needed to know. You had put the ball in her court and she didn't hit is back. thereforeeee, you assumed she wasn't interested and decided to keep moving on (not to move, but keep doing it). Follow this up with a little disappointment, because you were interested. (It's all cat and mosue, independent, show her you care or want her, independent show her you care of want her, etc.)

 

The same thign happens in a relationship with trust and being vulnerable. Each time one exposes themself with a little vulnerability, the other has to prove they deserve to be trsuted with that, the tables turn and the other exposes themself to a vulnerability, etc.

 

All this stuff seems too formulaic, like some scientist is inventing us in a lab and the conditions are controlled. A lot of it is, people are generally the same. However, no one is indentical to another person, and no relationship is identical to another relationship. You need to learn the general principles, yourself and your women's character, personaility, etc. Then work with all of that and improvise. Kind of like a good cook who can whip something up no matter what the ingredients. Good luck.

[majord23]

determined,

I've been following your story quite closely….as it has incredible similarities to mine. (my ex started going out with someone her family disapproves of within weeks of us breaking up).

That was a year ago….they're still together and her family still disapproves. I would love to be in the position you are in right now – I was once, but I blew it….and if you're not careful you'll blow it as well.

 

Mate, it's hard….it feels damn near impossible at times – but you can win her back. I won an ex back once (years ago) because of the way I acted after our break-up. With my last girlfriend (a year ago), I didn't play it right and I lost her….simply because my feelings were much stronger for the 2nd girl than the first, and I lost perspective and objectivity.

 

Look at the facts of your situation:

She says she loves you

She is with someone else

 

Firstly, with all due respect – those 2 facts don't go together…in ANY situation….especially when it is HER choice to be with the other guy over you.

One is fact (her having a boyfriend) and one is merely words (ie she SAYS she loves you….but what are her actions saying?).

 

Your biggest ally in this situation is insecurity – HER insecurity. She is doing everything in her power (just as my ex did) to keep you interested. She badmouths her boyfriend, she tells you she loves you, she entices you to reciprocate…and then when you overstep the mark (ie asking to meet up etc)…she all of a sudden backs off.

My ex used to dis her new BF to me…tell me she loved me….say that she didn't think her new BF was her type….and that she thought I was a far better BF than her would ever be.

Like I said earlier – one year later and she is still with the guy that she painted as a 'loser'.

 

Ask yourself a question: What does she do at the moment that hurts you most?

 

I bet the answers are things like this: When she mentions her new BF, when she doesn't call, when she acts a bit distant.

 

Another question: What does she do that makes you feel most secure?

 

Answers: Tells you she loves you (although it hurts you, it gives you hope), she talks down about her new BF etc.

 

Making sense so far?

 

Right, so the KEY here is to mirror her behaviour (the behaviour that hurts you most)…in order to make HER feel insecure.

 

Don't call….if she asks why…tell her that you were busy….she'll ask 'Doing what?'…you say that you were out with a friend….she'll ask "Who?" and…you tell her it's just a girl that you know. Refuse to answer any more questions and stay vague.

 

Imagine yourself in her shoes – how would that make you feel? HURT AND INSECURE!….remember, that's the way you want her to feel.

 

If you do get into a deep conversation about each other, tell her "I made a decision a little while ago to not waste my time loving someone I can't be with……so I'm moving on."

I guarantee that she will end up telling you that she loves you…she will cry…all in an attempt to gain some security for herself.

If you cave a little…she will back off. So THIS is when it is most important to stay strong….and stick to your original statement.

 

At times you'll have to be harsh, you'll feel like you saying things that are mean and you'll feel scared that your 'pushing her away'.

 

Ignore those feelings mate….trust me.

 

To illustrate my point…ask yourself this:

How has she treated you? She is with another guy, she says things that hurt you, she says she's going to call and doesn't. Pretty mean, huh?

 

And just how far has her 'mean' behaviour pushed you away?….not at all, in fact it's probably drawn you further in.

 

Feel free to ask questions bro.