Teenage behavior

[annie24]

if the relationship lasts, this girl will be going off the college and out of the house at the same time you are marrying her father. so you don't have to worry about if she is having sex or smoking or whatever.

[DN]

Perhaps you could mention something in passing - like being disturbed by someone coming in late at night and wondering who it was.

[Seraphim]

Just remember these are his kids and they are his for life. Remember you were all in uproar then your husband had his hoe around your daughter? I am not calling you a hoe in anyway, but the penny turns both ways, see what I mean?

[Cadence_oO]

no. first off, you aren't his wife yet. you've known her dad for a few months. she's known him for 15 years.

 

she may also be worried that you are a gold digger. he is a man of means, she may be worried that if you start telling him to start spending less money on her, that is because you want the money for yourself.

 

i would really stay away from parenting her. really, just be a friend to her. be nice and sweet. it's up to the dad to make decisions about her curfew and clothes.

 

lol,second time on this forum being mentioned with the word gold digger!

 

I think she knows it's not the issue here...

[Seraphim]

My mom raised my step dad's daughter from 14 to 18 and believe me it was ugliest period of her life. You are NOT going to change the relationship with his kids, they are almost adults now. Just stay out of it.

[Cadence_oO]

Just remember these are his kids and they are his for life. Remember you were all in uproar then your husband had his hoe around your daughter? I am not calling you a hoe in anyway, but the penny turns both ways, see what I mean?

 

True.But we were separated about 2 weeks when that happened and this was the girl he cheated on me with.Plus she was only in a shirt!

 

His wife had died 8 years ago,and I haven't in any way paraded around there in my underwear.

[DN]

I don't get the impression that you are a golddigger but I do think you are in danger of seeming to be either interfering or presumptous. You need to be very careful how you proceed.

[annie24]

i don't necessarily think that YOU are a gold digger. but just saying, that is how she may interpret it. like the others said, the "evil stepmother" is the theme of god knows how many movies, disney movies (cinderella), and "Lifetime - television for women" movies. it's always the evil stepmother coming in and turning life upside down.

 

if you start complaining that she is getting too many new clothes, but then she sees your bf buying things for you, she may see that as an attack on her, and trying to take her father away from her. of course, not that that is the truth at all.

 

i think being on 'her side' as much as you can will help you. you know, if her dad wants to buy her nice things and let her go out, don't stop them. honestly, if you do marry him, the teens will be off to college by then, and you two can raise alexis however you want.

[Seraphim]

I know hun, but try and see this from their perspective, ok. Even if their mom died 8 years ago she was still their mom and he still their dad and that is how they see it. And I can tell you she probably thinks her dad is being gross going out with you because of the age difference. Ask yourself in your heart if you think when you were 16 if you wanted your dad who was 40 to go out with someone 25. Would you?

[annie24]

True.But we were separated about 2 weeks when that happened and this was the girl he cheated on me with.Plus she was only in a shirt!

 

His wife had died 8 years ago,and I haven't in any way paraded around there in my underwear.

 

his wife may have died 8 years ago, but speaking as the child of a deceased parent, we really 'put our parents on a pedestal', especially when they die so young in our lives. no one is going to be able to compare with a deceased mother. she is like an angel or a saint to these teens. don't think that because she died so long ago that they are over it. they are not.

[Seraphim]

My step sister is 30 now and her mom died when she was 10 and believe her mom is a saint among saints to her and still to her father. Remember the dead never get old, they do not * * * * * at you, they do not deny you, they are perfection and they always will be and you will never replace that and nor should you want to.

[Syntax1985]

to be honest, all of this could be answered by you putting yourself in her shoes, and trying to see it from her point of view.

 

now im normally the one to go off topic , but i think this is becoming to much of a judgement towards the whole situation and relationship.

 

to solve your relationship with this girl, you need to put yourself in her shoes, really think hard about what you feel she might be thinking, respect her and her life choices, but try to guide her though friendly advise,

i mean lets face it, so far it seems youve been watching her from her a far, judging her from a few wrong actions, and you want to tell her dad? no way. thats not allowed.

 

what you need to do , is go up to her and talk to her like shes a human being. tell her you think she smokes, you havnt told her dad, tell her the dangers of whats shes doing, but let her know at the end of the day its her choice. theres no more you can do.

once a friendship is earned maybe she'd pay a bit more attention when you tell her it scares you and worry all night when she sneaks out...

yeah it takes time to address all issues, but thats what everyones being saying, trust and respect will be earnt, you have to be willing

 

my 2 cents.

[Cadence_oO]

I would never,ever try and replace her mother.

The kids were very close to her and lost her very suddenly.

She is a saint in their eyes.And there's no way I'd even try to take that image.

 

Now about the age,I really don't think it as such a big deal?

I know it's 15 years but it really doesn't seem like that.

Plus he of course had relationships before me,one pretty serious.So this isn't exactly new to these kids (except for my age thing).

 

As for Katie,you're right Syntax,I don't know her.

From what I do know,she is a great kid.She is a great person who isn't afraid to be herself.I do not condemn her personality.She is spirited and I wouldn't want to change that.She's also a very happy girl (again from what I know).

 

But I do question the limits she is going and that she's allowed to go,purely from a perspective of a mother to a girl.

I asked the question whether it's normal for a teenage girl to act this way,I wouldn't know,my daughter is 2 1/2.

And if she really is stepping over some limits should I tell her father purely as a pointer that he could step on a break with her a bit.

 

I understand that it isn't my business in general,but I havenothing but her best interests at heart.

 

 

 

 

 

From what I

[annie24]

i think DN's example is the best one, just saying, 'you know, i thought i heard the door slam last night, did you hear that?' and then let him do his own investigative work, if he so chooses.

 

yes, from my memories of high school, some of my friends were brought up like her. others weren't. just depends. there was a whole spectrum.

 

of course, you and him have only been together for a few months. this may not last, so i don't think you have to worry about it too much yet.

[Syntax1985]

Plus he of course had relationships before me,one pretty serious.So this isn't exactly new to these kids (except for my age thing).

 

But I do question the limits she is going and that she's allowed to go,purely from a perspective of a mother to a girl.

 

ok, there's 2 things that need to be bought into the light sorry,

 

the fact thats hes had relationships doesnt mean these girls are getting used to having different mothers, its the opposite, they've been going though uncertaintanty and are prob not 100% sure you and they're dad will last that long, you might be a "wonder how long this one will last" in her eyes.

 

yes, question the limits, but as a friend to her, look at it from her point of view, shes not going to accept mother to girl perspective at the moment, she may never, shes 15, maybe for her shes to old for a new mum,

for you to be a contributing part to her life, its not necessary for you to be her mother. if she feels comfortable with you enough and respects you enough, she will take and heed your advice.

 

that's how i see it. sorry im not trashing you or your views, youve got great intentions, and your hearts in the right place.i just feel you need to take a back seat and let her come to you, just support her with what she needs support with and advise her were you can, the rest will follow.

 

just my advise.

[sharsachan]

I am a mother,I was a wife,I'm her fathers girlfriend.

She is a high school student.

 

I think that earns me respect.

 

 

from what i remember of high school, most high school kids have no respect for anyone. it's just part of the phase of life. as they get older [around senior year i think in my school] it hits them. but freshmen and sophomores were the worst kids in my school. especially if they happened to be very pretty or popular. they felt they were entitled to everything and didn't have to respect anyone.

 

no one says you're a bad mother or bad person. yes, you should be respected. but you probably won't be just due to circumstance. that isn't your fault. but that will probably be how it turns out.

[Cadence_oO]

i think DN's example is the best one, just saying, 'you know, i thought i heard the door slam last night, did you hear that?' and then let him do his own investigative work, if he so chooses.

 

 

That I might try,thanks!

[melrich]

I asked the question whether it's normal for a teenage girl to act this way,

 

Yes it is very normal from what you describe.

[Seraphim]

I climbed out of windows too.......LOL

[Cadence_oO]

lol,really?

 

Might have been a little hasty then.It's just that if I ever did anything of the things I listen Kate does my mom would lock me up in a convent!

[BeStrongBeHappy]

I would approach this from a practical perspective first, in that you haven't dated the father all that long, so tread very lightly in terms of anything that he (or the kids) might think is a criticism of them and their lifestyle. You feel close to the father because you are dating him, but it is really a very new relationship, and you haven't even introduced your own daughter to him yet so you need to keep at arms length from any kind of suggestions that might be interpreted as criticism.

 

And practically, let's say you do want your relationship to get serious. If you are doing things early on that have the result of the daugther losing privileges she is accustomed too (i.e., the daugther feels you are ratting her out and that led to curtailing her freedom), then that daugther will do everything in her power to get you out of her father's life and introduce all kinds of resistance and backstabbing (also common behavior for teenagers who don't like their parent's new partners).

 

She will see you as a spoiler and a busybody and it could start a war for her father's attention and cause many scenes and problems later on. Many parents will not marry or get serious with anyone their children hate, so take that as a caution in how you proceed with handling this daugther.

 

So don't set yourself up for that trouble this early on, make friends with her first, take your time to get to know her and see if your relationship gets more serious before offering parenting advice.

 

Now if you catch her actually doing drugs or having sex in his house, then that might warrant telling him, but if it is less than that, you need to lay low and just see where this goes for a while before trying to influence his parenting or make any changes in the girl's life.