Men: what made you want to start an FWB

[Batya33]

That was never an FWB. An FWB is when he tells you its not a relationship.

 

I think an FWB is when both people meet up for sex, and nothing is discussed as far as whether there is any purpose other than sex for meeting up. I don't think it's all on the guy to determine nor do I think the guy has to proclaim "this is not a relationship" - if both people enjoy meeting up for sex, then why rock the boat with a conversation like that?

[SimplySasha]

I've never heard of a FWB situation where people hung out together...did dinner and stuff. That's more like a "relationship"

 

Is it just me or does it seem like we're talking about two different kinds of things?

 

I was under the impression that FWB (Friends with Benefits) well, you were friends , you did hang out together, dinner and stuff, and ... have sex if you wanted it (the benefit part of being a friend.)

 

It seems like the topic here has turned into FB (F*-Buddies) which is pretty much, just a booty call, and you don't ever actually have a friendship with the other person.

 

Am I off track here? I thought there was a difference.

[Nixee]

Is it just me or does it seem like we're talking about two different kinds of things?

 

I was under the impression that FWB (Friends with Benefits) well, you were friends , you did hang out together, dinner and stuff, and ... have sex if you wanted it (the benefit part of being a friend.)

 

It seems like the topic here has turned into FB (F*-Buddies) which is pretty much, just a booty call, and you don't ever actually have a friendship with the other person.

 

Am I off track here? I thought there was a difference.

 

I'd agree with this. Two different things.

 

What I still wonder about FWB is... if you truly want all those things... all the best parts of a relationship with another person - going out, connecting, talking, being close, being intimate, having sex... isn't it simply fear and selfishness to put the block up and deny the full relationship at that point? If you like them THAT much... it would seem you are already IN a relationship with them. Failing to call it such is really just clinging to "freedom" you shouldn't necessarily have or don't really even need... freedom from what?

It is a mental block.

 

Having cake and eating it too.

[Caterina]

I think an FWB is when both people meet up for sex, and nothing is discussed as far as whether there is any purpose other than sex for meeting up. I don't think it's all on the guy to determine nor do I think the guy has to proclaim "this is not a relationship" - if both people enjoy meeting up for sex, then why rock the boat with a conversation like that?

 

I don't know about other women, but my experience with an FWB was where the guy tried to get sex, and yes, he didn't really say it would only be an FWB. When I started questioning about what sex with me would entail, he then admitted that he was only interested in an FWB.

 

 

Is it just me or does it seem like we're talking about two different kinds of things?

 

I was under the impression that FWB (Friends with Benefits) well, you were friends , you did hang out together, dinner and stuff, and ... have sex if you wanted it (the benefit part of being a friend.)

 

It seems like the topic here has turned into FB (F*-Buddies) which is pretty much, just a booty call, and you don't ever actually have a friendship with the other person.

 

Am I off track here? I thought there was a difference.

 

I agree with this.

 

 

I'd agree with this. Two different things.

 

What I still wonder about FWB is... if you truly want all those things... all the best parts of a relationship with another person - going out, connecting, talking, being close, being intimate, having sex... isn't it simply fear and selfishness to put the block up and deny the full relationship at that point? If you like them THAT much... it would seem you are already IN a relationship with them. Failing to call it such is really just clinging to "freedom" you shouldn't necessarily have or don't really even need... freedom from what?

It is a mental block.

 

Having cake and eating it too.

 

I will never for the life of me understand the mindset of a man who wants this set-up, but many do.

 

I'm guessing that sometimes, deep down, they just don't really view you as "the one" but you're good for now.

[ghost69]

what made me want to start an fwb and nothing more?

 

 

the last few times - her body. ... not her mind.

 

this might sound bad, but it's girls i wouldn't call when i was sober too.

[Caterina]

what made me want to start an fwb and nothing more?

 

 

the last few times - her body. ... not her mind.

 

this might sound bad, but it's girls i wouldn't call when i was sober too.

 

But thats more like a booty call than an fwb. I mean, you respect friends to some degree, right? Or am I wrong...who knows

[ghost69]

But thats more like a booty call than an fwb. I mean, you respect friends to some degree, right? Or am I wrong...who knows

 

i think you are reading into the word 'friend' in FWB too much.

[Caterina]

i think you are reading into the word 'friend' in FWB too much.

 

Nah, I had a situation with a guy who was my friend, we hung out every day for three years. And he only wanted a fwb arrangement. THe person is your friend, but they don't want a relationship. Different kind of disrespect I guess.

[ghost69]

Nah, I had a situation with a guy who was my friend, we hung out every day for three years. And he only wanted a fwb arrangement. THe person is your friend, but they don't want a relationship. Different kind of disrespect I guess.

 

hmm, never an fwb i've ever had. sure i've had both. and actual friend who was a friend before fwb and just some girls who were fwbs.

 

it really comes down to the guy. if he wants to hook up and not have any strings attached as far as a relationship goes. i think 75% of guys would do this. if not higher.

 

and in your situation you were a friend before. he didn't date you then, why now? sex doesn't mean emotion. with me it doesn't. a lot of girls it does.

[Caterina]

hmm, never an fwb i've ever had. sure i've had both. and actual friend who was a friend before fwb and just some girls who were fwbs.

 

it really comes down to the guy. if he wants to hook up and not have any strings attached as far as a relationship goes. i think 75% of guys would do this. if not higher.

 

and in your situation you were a friend before. he didn't date you then, why now? sex doesn't mean emotion. with me it doesn't. a lot of girls it does.

 

Thats not what I'm saying. All the stuff you're saying: I already know.

 

Friendship emotion is different from romance emotions. I was in a situation where the guy wanted an FWB. Basically I hate him now b/c he knew I had romantic feelings yet still wanted an fwb with me. If he even cared in the slightest, he'd see that an fwb would have only hurt me, but he didn't.

 

I never gave him sex though so its actually his loss to since he wasted so much time and energy on someone he didn't even get to bed.

[ghost69]

Thats not what I'm saying. All the stuff you're saying: I already know.

 

Friendship emotion is different from romance emotions. I was in a situation where the guy wanted an FWB. Basically I hate him now b/c he knew I had romantic feelings yet still wanted an fwb with me. If he even cared in the slightest, he'd see that an fwb would have only hurt me, but he didn't.

 

I never gave him sex though so its actually his loss to since he wasted so much time and energy on someone he didn't even get to bed.

 

doesn't sound like much of a friend.

[Caterina]

doesn't sound like much of a friend.

 

 

I guess not. The thing is, some men confuse women when they are emotionally and physically attached to them but telling them that its not a relationship. That is still an FWB.

[ghost69]

I guess not. The thing is, some men confuse women when they are emotionally and physically attached to them but telling them that its not a relationship. That is still an FWB.

 

why are the women getting so attached. i'm sorry but the guy you talk about sounds like somebody you were just talking to and didn't know too well. a friend to me is someone you have been around for years and can trust and console in. if that is they case, this 'friend' just busted out wanting to sleep with you?

[Caterina]

a friend to me is someone you have been around for years and can trust and console in. if that is they case, this 'friend' just busted out wanting to sleep with you?

 

this one , yes

 

I can understand asking that question if you just met the girl, or if you haven't slept with her, or something like that. But I knew him on an intimate level in that we were good friends, we knew each other for three years and talked every day. It doesn't matter anymore though. Back then, yes, I was attached. But I'm glad I didn't sleep with him, I think that helped a lot with me moving on. It doesn't matter anymore as much.

[Batya33]

I guess not. The thing is, some men confuse women when they are emotionally and physically attached to them but telling them that its not a relationship. That is still an FWB.

 

I don't think it's confusing in the least - it's the woman choosing to settle for an arrangement she doesn't want, then claiming that it was "confusing" - if he's saying it's not a relationship, then he doesn't - nothing confusing about that. He might want to have long talks, he might want to have long sex sessions, but he doesn't want to bring the woman home to meet his family, he doesn't want to consider a future with the woman. She is fine for now and he wants to make sure she understands that it's not a relationship with exactly hose words.

 

I think it's fine for a woman to agree to that arrangement - the problem comes in when the woman settles for it or lies to herself, then gets upset with the guy for "confusing" her - not only is that unfair to the guy, it's unfair to herself because that usually leads to a cynical mindset.

[Caterina]

I never settled for that. I did settle for his presense, which I had to put an end to.

[Batya33]

I never settled for that. I did settle for his presense, which I had to put an end to.

 

Then you weren't sex buddies - he simply asked you to have sex with him and you declined, yes? I agree that it's a little odd for a close friend to want to transition to sex buddies.

[Blue Spiral]

I will never for the life of me understand the mindset of a man who wants this set-up, but many do.

 

In my own case, it has a lot to do with stress.

 

I have anxiety and uncertainty in almost every area of my life--my career, my family, general issues like the economy, etc.--and it's nice to have one thing that's free from it.

 

I spent the night with a FWB. When I woke up, we didn't have a big, emotional blowup about the state of our relationship or what's going on with my career or anything like that. No worries or mindgames at all. If she calls me tomorrow and tells me that she met a guy and we have to go back to just being friends, I won't feel too bad, as I know she's not rejecting me on a personal level--and this sounds horribly objectifying, but it's not like I can't cycle in someone new. (And I've had women do that, and the relationship ended or never worked out in the first place, and we went back to being FWB.) Also, when I have thoughts about other women, I don't have to feel guilty, as we're not in a relationship.

 

I don't think I'm a very good boyfriend, but I can be a great friend. I'm there to do basic guy-ish stuff (fixing things, moving things, etc.), listen when they need a shoulder to cry on or someone to get feedback from, and to provide an outlet for any extra sexual energy they might have. In that limited role, I can excel.

[Caterina]

Then you weren't sex buddies - he simply asked you to have sex with him and you declined, yes? I agree that it's a little odd for a close friend to want to transition to sex buddies.

 

Yes, thats what happened. I'm guessing he just valued sex over my feelings, who knows.

 

In my own case, it has a lot to do with stress.

 

I have anxiety and uncertainty in almost every area of my life--my career, my family, general issues like the economy, etc.--and it's nice to have one thing that's free from it.

 

I spent the night with a FWB. When I woke up, we didn't have a big, emotional blowup about the state of our relationship or what's going on with my career or anything like that. No worries or mindgames at all. If she calls me tomorrow and tells me that she met a guy and we have to go back to just being friends, I won't feel too bad, as I know she's not rejecting me on a personal level--and this sounds horribly objectifying, but it's not like I can't cycle in someone new. (And I've had women do that, and the relationship ended or never worked out in the first place, and we went back to being FWB.) Also, when I have thoughts about other women, I don't have to feel guilty, as we're not in a relationship.

 

I don't think I'm a very good boyfriend, but I can be a great friend. I'm there to do basic guy-ish stuff (fixing things, moving things, etc.), listen when they need a shoulder to cry on or someone to get feedback from, and to provide an outlet for any extra sexual energy they might have. In that limited role, I can excel.

 

You sound so much like him its not funny. Don't you want to fall in love? I don't think its good to have an FWB b/c there is something inherently disrespectful about it--- she's not good enough for a romantic interest. I'm trying to be nice, but I think I have developed accidently a small reactionary hatred for men who want FWBs. I was greatly hurt by mine, sorry if I come off as judgmental.

[Blue Spiral]

You sound so much like him its not funny. Don't you want to fall in love? I don't think its good to have an FWB b/c there is something inherently disrespectful about it--- she's not good enough for a romantic interest. I'm trying to be nice, but I think I have developed accidently a small reactionary hatred for men who want FWBs. I was greatly hurt by mine, sorry if I come off as judgmental.

 

I can understand why you feel that way, so don't worry about it.

 

I'd like to fall in love again, but I don't think my chances are that good--and even if it somehow happened, I'm not really at a place in my life where I could take advantage of it. In some ways, I want FWB because my self-esteem is keeping pace with the current stock market, and in some ways, I want FWB because it's just more practical for my personality and situation.

 

I personally don't think it's disrespectful. I don't think in terms of "she's not good enough for a romantic interest," because, in my view, love isn't a meritocracy. I think it's about a romantic spark, as opposed to a certain list of qualifications that someone has to meet. IMHO, women tend to have lists like that, while my gender is more arbitrary.

 

Let's say that I meet Woman #1. I'm attracted to her on multiple levels, she's available, we get along well and enjoy spending time together...but I don't love her, whether it's because of a lack of deeper chemistry or some factor that would keep us from being serious, whether on my part or hers. (i.e., she can't prioritize a relationship over her career or kids, or I couldn't be with someone that smoked all the time.) Does the fact that it can't get serious mean we can't, um, have fun? It isn't about disrespect, it's about being realistic and enjoying what you have now, instead of what you'd like to have in some ideal future.

 

I don't think think that giving someone the FWB label is any more or less disrepsectful than putting someone in the friendzone. I mean, if you're going based on merit, I don't see how "You're nice and all, but you aren't good enough to be my significant other, but I'll keep you around because I need someone to listen to me" is any different from "You're nice and all, but you aren't good enough to be my significant other, but I'll keep you around for when I get horny."

[Caterina]

I gotta say...you still sound so much like him. Just to warn you: you could potentially hurt a woman terribly if you just lead her on to her own delusions and participate in an FWB with her...even if you're upfront with her. If she's like me, don't fool yourself....she agrees to everythign for the sake of love and love alone--- and you agree to it for the sake of self (sex, temporary relief, pleasure).

 

Its just a difference in values. A guy who proposes an FWB situation is making everything about him. Love is making everything about the other person. I was tempted by an FWB b/c I was incredibly stupid- I honestly thought he might fall in love.

 

I think that FWB's are very very hurtful. What if the "right one" comes along while you are sleeping constantly with this friend? You just drop her? Its all so unromantic.

 

The last part about the "you're nice and all..." I still think both are disrespectful because its about using the other person without consideration for their feelings when it finally becomes blatantly clear that you don't reciprocate their emotions. Its downright cruel to string someone along.

 

I can see where you're coming from. I've lost hope and was willing to settle for less, but I didn't. I've also noticed that my desirablity to other men goes up a lot when I'm dating someone. But I guess I'm still holding out for hope of that ideal future...and that I hate to see people hurt.

 

Many people today are products of divorce and they fear that. But I think that with enough precautions, that you should trust the person you love enough...so I don't have time for frivolous relationships that waste my time and energy. I'm looking for something REAL.

[Batya33]

I would not want men to decide not to have casual sex with a woman who agreed to have casual sex because they view women as too fragile, emotional, whatever to be able to handle saying "yes" to casual sex (as long as she is a sober adult of course).

 

I am no feminist, but the last thing I think women need is to be viewed as people who can't say yes to having casual sex and know their own minds. To me, personally that would be regression and it would likely give the impression that, even with other (non-sex related) decisions, we don't know our own minds enough to say yes because we're too fragile and emotions get in the way. Too many times in life when people need to be able to have confidence in someone else to think rationally, to be comfortable with decisions, and to mean "yes" when they mean yes.

 

I don't need to be "protected" by a man in that way - in other ways, sure, but not as some kind of paternalistic figure telling me that I don't know my own mind enough to know what I want and enough to be able to analyze the risks and benefits.

 

And I have no interest in or desire to have casual sex - it's totally not for me - but I know my own mind enough to say "no" to it and if I said "yes" (which I wouldn't) it would be because I weighed the risks and decided the risks were worth it. Just like a man does - he takes risks every single time he has casual sex as far as emotions, STDs and in most cases, pregnancy risks.

 

I do think it's wrong for a person to tell another person that they want an exclusive relationship -- or a potentially serious relationship when they just want casual sex - but then the person saying "yes" is saying yes in a misleading situation. I am talking only about two people deciding to have sex when they feel like having sex, but without being in a relationship. I will say that unless two people discuss being exclusive before having sex, the two people are free to be with other people too - no assumptions should be made just because intercourse is involved - but if one person says "I don't want to date you, I just want to meet up for sex, both adults should be able to agree with that without needing to be protected from themselves.

[Caterina]

I think that its a good idea to not have casual sex at all. But I definetly think that a guy who is friends (in the true sense of the word) with a girl has some responsibility in figuring out whether or not his actions will hurt her. It happens all over this forum-- women choosing to have an FWB and being blindsided by their own emotions. I've been tempted by an FWB and I understand the thinking--- it may be fallicious, but if the guy wants to be aware that she might be thinking that way ("he will fall in love"), then he can act out of compassion instead of lust.

[danican]

Hmmm...

 

I always find that after 4-5 times with a girl, I begin to become interested in something more than just being FWBs. Almost always girls are quite attracted to me, and I to them, but I'm very good at keeping my cards close, to keep them guessing, and they end up liking me. They also always have very high expectations of me, because I suppose I come off like a certain type of guy who has his cool together, which I don't, really. I'm happy and boisterous, not ashamed, very affectionate and I am always looking for that from girls. The problem seems that as soon as the girl gets what she wants, she loses interest. Thus I've learned you have to be stingy with the affection and intimate conversations, because it's how you should behave. Girls can be sappy and feely and want to touch. Men have to be tough and show their emotions when least expected and discreetly.

 

I can live with this, but I pray for the day I'll meet someone I can just shower with affection when I feel, and not worry she'll ever tire of it.

 

As for the sex, I've had more one night stands than actual FWBs, and for me, sex only becomes really good once I've gotten to know the girl. Someday, I guess I'll meet a one-night stand that includes great sex, but I've yet to live the day.

[Batya33]

I think that its a good idea to not have casual sex at all. But I definetly think that a guy who is friends (in the true sense of the word) with a girl has some responsibility in figuring out whether or not his actions will hurt her. It happens all over this forum-- women choosing to have an FWB and being blindsided by their own emotions. I've been tempted by an FWB and I understand the thinking--- it may be fallicious, but if the guy wants to be aware that she might be thinking that way ("he will fall in love"), then he can act out of compassion instead of lust.

 

As an adult, I wouldn't want the sort of compassion you're referring to - where another person feels obligated to see if I am being "blindsided" by emotions if I say "yes" to that arrangement. If I had a mental or emotional disability or otherwise I wasn't capable of consenting because of a disability, then, fine, but simply by virtue of being a woman? Um, no thanks - I can take care of myself.

 

Casual s_x is not for me either but I don't feel it is my place to say what is right or wrong for two consenting adults.