on being in love with an in-law. update and one more question

[healthseeker]

Incidentally, I'd love to hear my husband say something like "hey mate, could you please quit hitting on her?" (like a friend of ours once said): It would lift a HUGE WEIGHT off my shoulders, let me tell you. HUGE. Isn't this what husbands are for too?

 

Okay, this post gave me a lot of hope for you!!!

 

You have said in another post that you still love your husband. Now you have expressed desire for him to stick up for your honor. I really think maybe this has been the key ingredient missing here. Your hubby needs to show you more how much you matter? Here, you are getting all this attention from his brother and you have turned it into an "in-love" situation in your mind. Could it be if you gave your marriage a chance here and REALLY EXPRESSED your feelings/desires for what you need to your husband, that it could re-light a fire? I think you, at least, owe it to your marriage to tell your husband that it would make you feel better if he were to help you out in these situations with the bil. He may have no idea what to do and need some guidance from you. It can't be easy on him either...I mean this is his (older?) brother. Please give him a chance.

[Superpuzzled]

Yes, it is his older brother.

 

My h's opinion on this kind of things is that when a woman gets hit on by a man, she must stand up for herself and that's that.

It has happened before. I am not very proud of this, but I am someone men seem inclined to hit on Every time it happened in the past, I had to deal with it by myself. My husband never did anything.

While I may agree with his views to a point, there is a factor in this case he is not accounting for here and that is that when the woman is actually in love with the guy who's hitting on her, outside help is really welcome.

But in my case I am on my own, h takes a step back and watches; if I fail, then be it and we'll see about what to do with wreck later ](*,).

 

Incidentally my therapist told me she thinks what I like about bil is that I feel "protected" by him (too long to explain). And I know she is right.

[healthseeker]

Incidentally my therapist told me she thinks what I like about bil is that I feel "protected" by him (too long to explain). And I know she is right.

 

And you don't feel protected by hubby? Am I right?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Your husband is right, when someone hits on you it should be you, not him, telling the guy to back off. It is not like you are in physical danger. Perhaps your husband senses that you are "in love" with his brother. Perhaps he is not saying anything because he wants to see your true colours. Why should he defend you from his brother's advances and have a scenario of two men fighting over one woman. You are not defenseless and you do have your own mind. You can put a stop to this...the fact that you are succumbing to this means that you are the one putting your marriage in danger...it is your responsibility to put an end to your BIl's flirtations.

[redhearts]

I still think you shouldn't lie to your husband and tell him the truth.

[healthseeker]

I still think you shouldn't lie to your husband and tell him the truth.

 

I think that this would deeply hurt her husband.

[Superpuzzled]

I think that this would deeply hurt her husband.

 

Of course it would. Obviously. And quite frankly, I don't think at this stage bringing the problem out in the open would help solve it.

[Superpuzzled]

Your husband is right, when someone hits on you it should be you, not him, telling the guy to back off. It is not like you are in physical danger. Perhaps your husband senses that you are "in love" with his brother. Perhaps he is not saying anything because he wants to see your true colours. Why should he defend you from his brother's advances and have a scenario of two men fighting over one woman. You are not defenseless and you do have your own mind. You can put a stop to this...the fact that you are succumbing to this means that you are the one putting your marriage in danger...it is your responsibility to put an end to your BIl's flirtations.

 

Sorry for not replying to you yesterday. We must be on different time zones.

 

I see your point entirely.

But see, it is not because he senses I may be in love with BIL that he consistently fails to react. He's always been like that. I remember the first time it happened we had just began dating and there was this guy at a bar, perfect stranger, mind you, and he kept leaning on me to pick up his drink, then his cigarette then i don't know what else, then he progressed to put his hand on my shoulder. At that, seeing that my H, who was standing next to me and had noticed, did not react, I had to shove the guy off myself. Then the whole enchilada started, ya know, that "hey, what's wrong with you" look, wasnt' really doing anything wrong, blah blah blah

H never said a word. When the guy was done making me feel like I was delusional for thinking he'd ever lay a hand on me, he walked me away...

 

I did not say anything back then but I felt lost and hurt that H was there right beside me and did not even acknowledge me as being WITH him until it was all over !

 

And it has always been like that. Oh eventually, when I am an old bag, this will become a non-issue but it has hurt for years and still does.

My BIL, on the other hand, with all his shortcomings and "larger than life" attitudes, did tell a guy once to just knock it off because I was with him. End of problem

 

You know, my H of course is entitled to his ideas but his attitudes (this and other stuff) does not really encourage a woman to feel she "belongs" to him in any way, not even emotionally. I confess I am not in the least a feminist in that respect: I'd love my H to feel some degree of possessiveness and a sense that I am "his" and to show it.

 

Don't think I am proud of this situation because I am not, but it just so happens that this time I don't feel like shoving this one off.

[Superpuzzled]

Thank you very much for all your replies. Some have really made me think. Therapy is ok but my therapist seems to think I should leave H because I married for the wrong reasons. I don't want to do that, don't want to go through all the hassle now.

 

I do think that in a way I have encouraged bil. he has always had a soft stop for me even since before I married his brother. But we were not on the same wavelength back then, then slowly we have come to feel so much at ease with each other, so much on the same pace and, through body language, I have let him know that his displays of affection are welcome, whatever they mean.

I don't know what he feels right now and I know he loves his brother dearly, too and does not want to hurt him.

 

I have never actively pursued him but I have let him flirt with me, passively.

Also I am convinced that, unless I take some action, unless I elicit a reaction from either him or my H, bil will never do anything he could not live with afterwards.

I will not take action, I will not elicit a reaction; I think I will let it go with the flow; I'll let life take care of itself. If it must be, it will be.

[jcrisph]

I am really confused now....

[amipushy]

II will not take action, I will not elicit a reaction; I think I will let it go with the flow; I'll let life take care of itself. If it must be, it will be.

 

Don't you think thats a bit of a cop out? What you are saying is that if it happens you can now absolve yourself of any responsibility as was "it was fate and out of my hands". Surely not even you believe that?

 

Destroying lives and families does not just happen.

 

You are the KEY person in all of this and you really do have the ABSOLUTE responsibility for making sure that this does not happen.

[Superpuzzled]

Don't you think thats a bit of a cop out? What you are saying is that if it happens you can now absolve yourself of any responsibility as was "it was fate and out of my hands". Surely not even you believe that?

 

Destroying lives and families does not just happen.

 

You are the KEY person in all of this and you really do have the ABSOLUTE responsibility for making sure that this does not happen.

 

Sorry but I don't agree.

I am afraid this time H will have to take action.

He knows bil better than me. If bil's flirting and affection are innocent, then the whole thing is a non-issue and all I have to do is swallow my my own feelings and no-one will be the wiser.

 

If they are not innocent and bil is clumsily trying to work his way out of his marriage and into someone else's territory and that territory happens to be my H's, then it is as much H's responsibility and INTEREST to take action as it is mine.

After almost 20 years, I have started taking his lack of action as lack of interest and if he is not interested in fighting for his marriage, then possibly it's because there isn't much worth fighting for anyway, is there?

[amipushy]

So what you're saying that your husband deserves a brother who flirts with his wife, and a wife who takes no responsibilty for her own part? Maybe he does see what is going on and thinks you deserve each other, but maybe, just maybe, he thinks that love and trust from the people he loves and trusts above all others is enough?

 

Why don't you at least talk to your husband about how you feel about his lack of interest in you and how that makes you feel and give him a chance to put it right?

 

But if you feel that the marriage is over then do the right thing and end it, but please don't use someone as a stepping stone and walk over another on your way out especially not brothers.

[redhearts]

It may hurt your husband, but its better for him to know the truth. Then to live in a one sided marriage, where hes the only one who has love for his partner. He deserves to be happy and be with someone whos 100% there for him. As you seem to yes have married him for the wrong reasons, well why did you marry him than?

[Superpuzzled]

So what you're saying that your husband deserves a brother who flirts with his wife, and a wife who takes no responsibilty for her own part? Maybe he does see what is going on and thinks you deserve each other, but maybe, just maybe, he thinks that love and trust from the people he loves and trusts above all others is enough?

 

Why don't you at least talk to your husband about how you feel about his lack of interest in you and how that makes you feel and give him a chance to put it right?

 

But if you feel that the marriage is over then do the right thing and end it, but please don't use someone as a stepping stone and walk over another on your way out especially not brothers.

 

 

Oh I know you are right. Of course you are right. I guess I'd just love to shock him into reaction.

H wasn't even there when our twins were born for crying out loud. Since the doctor had warned him the delivery could be not exactly a walk in the park, he chose to stick his head in the sand and arranged a way to not be there at the crucial time.

 

I am sorry to say that H has helped create a bond between BIL and I that sometimes feels stronger than the one H and I have (which is very good, mind you, but emotionless).

 

But I know that this is no excuse for what is happening. I know it.

 

](*,) ](*,) ](*,)

[amipushy]

I think you should tell him the truth, that you are unhappy, and feel unloved and undesired by him and that you are starting to look for attention from other men and go from there. Make it an "I" conversation rather than a "You don't" conversation as nobody is really to blame for complacency, is just something that happens over in marriages. It will at least be a start at repairing and rebuilding if thats what you want.

 

However much it hurts him to hear it, it is going to hurt 100 times more if you don't and something happens.

[amure]

Your husband is right, when someone hits on you it should be you, not him, telling the guy to back off. It is not like you are in physical danger. Perhaps your husband senses that you are "in love" with his brother. Perhaps he is not saying anything because he wants to see your true colours. Why should he defend you from his brother's advances and have a scenario of two men fighting over one woman. You are not defenseless and you do have your own mind. You can put a stop to this...the fact that you are succumbing to this means that you are the one putting your marriage in danger...it is your responsibility to put an end to your BIl's flirtations.

 

this is probs the best advise i can see here.

you CAN do just as much, possibly more then what your husband can do.

[healthseeker]

I am afraid this time H will have to take action.

He knows bil better than me. If bil's flirting and affection are innocent, then the whole thing is a non-issue and all I have to do is swallow my my own feelings and no-one will be the wiser.

 

If they are not innocent and bil is clumsily trying to work his way out of his marriage and into someone else's territory and that territory happens to be my H's, then it is as much H's responsibility and INTEREST to take action as it is mine.

After almost 20 years, I have started taking his lack of action as lack of interest and if he is not interested in fighting for his marriage, then possibly it's because there isn't much worth fighting for anyway, is there?

 

 

So you mention what your BIL might do...and what your H will have to do...what about YOU and what you need to do? Have you no adult responsibilities in this? I think somewhere down deep you want a war over you because you feel ignored by your husband?