on being in love with an in-law. update and one more question

[Superpuzzled]

i posted this the other day:

« I am in love with my brother in law (my husband’s brother). I have this very strong gut feeling that he may have romantic feelings for me too but don’t know for sure. We've never talked about it. He’s married too. Seeing him at family gatherings (which is very often at least once a week), going with him on holidays etc. is becoming too much of an emotional strain these days.

I am totally in love.

I am worried sick that people may notice.

Being with him is bad enough, being with him AND his wife is pure torture.

I have started to make excuses for not being around, for not seeing him. I don’t know how long I can go on pretending it’s ok. The members of my husband’s (huge) family are all very close. I cannot stop going to parties, gatherings and the like without raising red flags. Family will start wondering what is wrong with me.

But I cannot take it any more.

I want to make love with this guy, I love him, I know him like I know my own husband, I have known him for so long and I think my body language is starting to show that something is not quite as it should be.

I am very depressed about the whole thing.

I’d like to get away from myself right now if you know what I mean.

Incidentally neither of us is young any more.

I should know better...»

 

Thank you very much for your replies to this post of mine.

 

Please bear with me but I have another couple of questions. I’ll try to be brief.

 

I have been tried to keep away from him but there was a family party the other day I simply could not say no to. I went. All of a sudden (he may have been a little high and maybe feeling less inhibited) he hugged and kissed me, jokingly, in front of everybody saying he loved me and he simply would not let go of me. I must say that I could not muster the strength to gently pull away, I was sitting and he was standing so my face was resting close to his belly and to my horror I distinctly felt I was becoming sexually aroused; I was almost exploding with desire.

To make a long story short, my husband said something (did not hear him clearly cause bil was hugging me so tight), his wife called him rude, a couple relatives laughed the incident off and soon it was forgotten.

 

Yesterday my husband mentioned that his brother (bil) should have sent his wife packing (their marriage is a mess) a long time ago instead of staying in a dead marriage and doing and saying stupid things that only offend people. He was not mad at me and was not mad at his brother, just pissed and sad that his brother behaves like a child instead of tackling his problems directly with his wife.

I did not comment.

I don’t know what to do. This cannot go on. The next time bil hugs and kisses me I will not be able to pretend any more and it will be a disaster. My husband is already “on the scent” although I do not think he has understood exactly how much of an effect his brother has on me.

My therapist believes I should not stop being with the family to stop seeing the bil.

But I cannot go on. Bil is getting closer and closer and simply getting into that personal space where only lovers should be allowed, and I am totally unable to pull away.

 

Do you think I should talk to him and ask him to please stop, to sort things out with his wife and leave me out of the equation? All he will achieve if he goes on like this is that his wife will make ME the scapegoat for their failed marriage.

I love him very much but I also love my husband and don’t want to hurt him or anyone else in the family.

Husband’s family has always been kind to me and they don’t deserve this.

[healthseeker]

Is this the first time he has hugged you like this? I think you may be reading too much into this...he could have just been really joking and your talking to him would make you feel like a fool after.

 

Also, I think your comments that you cannot / will not be able to control yourself is an excuse. I'm sorry if that sounds too harsh, but you have more responsibilty than that.

 

Do you and hubby have kids? Does you bil and his wife?

[i_win]

Get a hold of yourself. You sound emotionally wreckless. This is something that you simply under no circumstances can do. It is a line that can never be crossed. You are going to damage 2 marriages and strong family ties permanently and it can't be undone.

 

Your husband doesn't deserve this, your brother-in-law's wife doesn't deserve this, and his family don't deserve this...and you don't deserve to put yourself in personal hell from all of the negativity that will result from this.

 

I think you need to find a different therapist.

 

And as a warning I don't think you're going to get very many positive or supportive posts coming your way so I hope you're prepared to hear the blunt, honest truth.

 

There is no way that this could end in any way but bad.

[amure]

hey there.

first off, i disagree with the whole situation (but like you really have a say in it either ehh?).

 

i just wanna ask a question.... do you love your husband? and if you dont, and you do something about these feelings you have, you relise it will tear there family apart?

they will DESPISE YOU. they wont want you anywher near them.

 

i hate to sound like im judging, but something similar has happened to me, and the outcome was as i stated above (only the girl was too self-centered to relise it was her fault).

 

 

i wish i could advise you on what to do, but i honestly cant say. regardless, people are going to get hurt. especially you. let life flow like the river it is, attempting to lay cement on a river will wash your life away.

 

good luck dear

[Superpuzzled]

Is this the first time he has hugged you like this? I think you may be reading too much into this...he could have just been really joking and your talking to him would make you feel like a fool after.

 

Also, I think your comments that you cannot / will not be able to control yourself is an excuse. I'm sorry if that sounds too harsh, but you have more responsibilty than that.

 

Do you and hubby have kids? Does you bil and his wife?

 

Hi, first time he has hugged me this tight and for this long, like there was a different intensity this time.

Anyway, not the first time this kind of things have happened. Once, 3 years ago, a friend of ours told him to focus on his (bil's) wife and quit hitting on the sister in law (me).

 

We all have children (all of age).

[healthseeker]

Do you have any idea what this will do to the kids...no matter what age they are? Can you sacrifice your own desires for the welfare of them?

[Meatyka]

You have the choice to stay away from this guy and not do anythin stupid.

Saying you cant help yourself or whatever is just a lame excuse sorry to say.

 

You either need to sort yourself out, cause you do have a problem. Stay away from him. Tell him You love your husband if you do and want nothing to do with him in that way.

 

If you dont love yuor husband. Then you know what to do. Leave yuor husband. But do not go for the brother. Stay away from the fmaily.

[Superpuzzled]

Do you have any idea what this will do to the kids...no matter what age they are? Can you sacrifice your own desires for the welfare of them?

 

 

I know. I know . That is precisely why i am seeking help with a therapist and came here for help as well.

 

But i cannot do this all alone, the dynamics are just too complicated.

The wife must have given him hell about the other day but he just doesn't listen to her any more; my husband seems not to be wanting to raise the subject with bil (who can blame him!) and my bil behaves as if we were not in-laws or not even married, i suppose because this is the easiest band-aid he's found for his disaster of a marriage. He does not have the guts to confront his wife nor get out of the marriage and so flirting and cuddling gives him some of the physical contact and comfort he's craving.

 

Only, he doesn't know this is tearing me apart. It's eating me up inside.

[amipushy]

The whole thing is blowing out of proportion because you feel guilt and know its wrong,thats all. The more you "fight" this the bigger it becomes in your mind and the more you will talk yourself into doing something incredibly stupid as if led by fate when all the time you are lead by your guilty feelings.

 

if you think things are bad for you now in the way that you feel imagine what it will be like if you tell your bil how you feel. He might go in a few directions and just some one them might be any or all of the below-

 

He doesn't feel the same and pulls away embarrased by your outburst, he tells your husband, he tells his wife, he plays sick flirty games with you humilating you infront of the family each time you all meet up, he makes double-meaning comments at you infront of your husband and family, he responds and you take things further leaving you with a massive guilty secret that you cannot bear to look your husband and children in the eye over such is the shame. Need I go on?

[i_win]

I know. I know . That is precisely why i am seeking help with a therapist and came here for help as well.

 

But i cannot do this all alone, the dynamics are just too complicated.

The wife must have given him hell about the other day but he just doesn't listen to her any more; my husband seems not to be wanting to raise the subject with bil (who can blame him!) and my bil behaves as if we were not in-laws or not even married, i suppose because this is the easiest band-aid he's found for his disaster of a marriage. He does not have the guts to confront his wife nor get out of the marriage and so flirting and cuddling gives him some of the physical contact and comfort he's craving.

 

Only, he doesn't know this is tearing me apart. It's eating me up inside.

 

You are blaming this on his marriage and his actions - yet are only in control of yourself and your actions. He failed marriage and your immature "grass is greener" syndrome are clouding your judgment and compromising you marriage vows. Aren't you with kids a little too past this kind of erratic emotional behavior?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I would not talk to him about it because he will probably just twist it around in order to save face and make it seem like you are after him. However, the next time he crosses that line you can make a very big point of getting up and walking away...standing somewhere else...need a drink of water, need to go to the bathroom..whatever excuse you need that will send the clear message to him that he is not to cross that line again. In other words, you have to tap into your strength, knowing what is at stake, and put an end to this in body language and actions rather than in words.

[Superpuzzled]

I would not talk to him about it because he will probably just twist it around in order to save face and make it seem like you are after him. However, the next time he crosses that line you can make a very big point of getting up and walking away...standing somewhere else...need a drink of water, need to go to the bathroom..whatever excuse you need that will send the clear message to him that he is not to cross that line again. In other words, you have to tap into your strength, knowing what is at stake, and put an end to this in body language and actions rather than in words.

 

You are so absolutely right.

[amure]

I would not talk to him about it because he will probably just twist it around in order to save face and make it seem like you are after him. However, the next time he crosses that line you can make a very big point of getting up and walking away...standing somewhere else...need a drink of water, need to go to the bathroom..whatever excuse you need that will send the clear message to him that he is not to cross that line again. In other words, you have to tap into your strength, knowing what is at stake, and put an end to this in body language and actions rather than in words.

 

freakin oath

[tangi39]

Before your start throwing others under the bus, take a look at yourself.

You're not exactly behaving as a role model wife either, so cut your Sister in Law some slack.

Also, your BIL is probably not the perfect husband you imagine him to be.

Their marriage is None of your business.

 

I think you are reading WAY too much into the "Flirting" thing. I do think it was very inconsiderate and disrespetful to his wife, but I don't think he intended it to be a serious fliratation with you.

 

I agree, you should switch therapists. You shouldn't spend ANY time with him until you get over this crush.

 

Do NOT by any means encourage ANY of this behavior or get involved in any aspect of their marriage(Including talking about it)

This whole thing can only lead to one thing - DISASTER !

That's all that can come from this. You will literally alienate everyone in your family if you take this any further.

Keep your distance and I think it's time you examine your own marriage further. Maybe you need a break from everyone and should consider separation.

[Catdancer]

You could also tell him, the next time he does something like this, that it makes you uncomfortable. Which to be honest is the truth. You have too much to lose personally to let this situation go anywhere.

 

If the attraction is just too overwhelming, you should leave your husband, then and only then, would you be able to persue the bil. And then whose to say that he would even be attracted anymore?? Maybe the taboo-ness of flirting with and fantasizing about a sister in law is what makes him so attracted??

 

This is so not a good situation. But I can understand the attraction and desire.

[Superpuzzled]

 

«I think you are reading WAY too much into the "Flirting" thing. I do think it was very inconsiderate and disrespetful to his wife, but I don't think he intended it to be a serious fliratation with you. »

 

Would you mind telling me what makes you say this?

I don't agree or disagree here, just need your opinion; I just don't know why he would consistently say I am beautiful, I am this, I am that, hug, caress go out of his way to be nice, etc. He's just unnaturally nice to me. I have noticed people looking at him like trying to understand when he does this and I just don't know WHY he does this and what he is expecting to achieve. He does this irrespectively of his W being there or not so it's not to make her jealous or make her notice him or anything. W gets uncomfortable but so far she's never said anything. She did the other day, though.

I just don't understand any of this.

[HeartGoesOn]

I only have one thing to say...

 

Make a choice between staying married, and sticking to your wows, or end the marriage, and lead the single life.

 

Unfortunately, you can't have both, it doesn't work that way.

[tangi39]

It may be he's just a super outgoing guy- At LOT men- Married, unmarried, dating, whatever- will jokingly flirting with other women. It does not mean they would actually want to start something.

Did it ever occur to you that maybe he's trying to show his brother he's supportive of his choice of you- Hence the compliments and 'Unnaturally" nice attitude and because of your own feelings, you may be projecting the "attraction " onto him.

There are also some guys who flirt and don't realize it.

These are all possible circumstances assuming he's a decent guy.

 

Assuming he's not-

 

He could just get drunk and flirt (you said he was out of it one time)

He could be trying to make his wife jealous.

(Rest assured even if she' said nothing, his wife is upset, especially if she has expressed her discomfort)

Assuming this man wasn't your BIL for a minute, and just some guy- I'd say the same thing- The Second a spouse expresses discomfort- It needs to end, period ! That means lines are being crossed.

He's a sleaze who likes attention from other women as an ego boost.

Maybe he's trying to assess if he could still get a woman (if he's still attractive) if he were to get a divorce.

 

These are all possibilities. But don't assume in any case he is doing any of these actions as a romantic gesture towards you.

 

Even if you did both divorce your respective partners, what would you hope to gain ? This will NEVER be looked on well. To most people and More Importantly to the family, this is going to be seen as incestuous. You will have loads of people mad and disgusted with you. It will only bring pain, pain and more unbearable pain.

 

If this isn't what you want, stop any and all thoughts of this RIGHT NOW !

[Circe]

It's not worth it, dear. Remember what you have to lose and how you'll feel if your husband finds out. Think about what it will do to him..

 

That's why it's not worth it.

[Superpuzzled]

It's not worth it, dear. Remember what you have to lose and how you'll feel if your husband finds out. Think about what it will do to him..

 

That's why it's not worth it.

 

Find out about my feelings for BIL? well, yes.

But so far there is nothing else to find out about. I mean, it's not like BIL is doing this behind my husband's back. On the contrary, sometimes I think he is trying to get a reaction from him ..

Incidentally, I'd love to hear my husband say something like "hey mate, could you please quit hitting on her?" (like a friend of ours once said): It would lift a HUGE WEIGHT off my shoulders, let me tell you. HUGE. Isn't this what husbands are for too?

[Catdancer]

Find out about my feelings for BIL? well, yes.

But so far there is nothing else to find out about. I mean, it's not like BIL is doing this behind my husband's back. On the contrary, sometimes I think he is trying to get a reaction from him ..

Incidentally, I'd love to hear my husband say something like "hey mate, could you please quit hitting on her?" (like a friend of ours once said): It would lift a HUGE WEIGHT off my shoulders, let me tell you. HUGE. Isn't this what husbands are for too?

 

Have you told him how uncomfortable it makes you feel?

[HeartGoesOn]

Find out about my feelings for BIL? well, yes.

But so far there is nothing else to find out about. I mean, it's not like BIL is doing this behind my husband's back. On the contrary, sometimes I think he is trying to get a reaction from him ..

Incidentally, I'd love to hear my husband say something like "hey mate, could you please quit hitting on her?" (like a friend of ours once said): It would lift a HUGE WEIGHT off my shoulders, let me tell you. HUGE. Isn't this what husbands are for too?

 

 

 

 

Why don't YOU take a huge weight off your shoulders, and say it to your "BIL" yourself?

[blue69]

Im going to throw out a totally different take on this. If you cant stop yourself get help. Your best help is your partner, your spouse. Be honest with him. Brace yourself for the fallout and immediate reaction. But I guarantee you that nothing will happen with Bill once you confess your infatuation with his brother.

 

Let him know that your are confessing this because you know it is an infatuation. You are committed to him and your marriage. He will support you, if he doesn't then he isn't a good spouse either.

 

Trust in a marriage is essential. You can't hide this emotional turmoil. To do so only destroys your marriage and your relationship. Being honest means having an honest discussion with your husband.

 

My opinion. Tell your husband.

[Superpuzzled]

Have you told him how uncomfortable it makes you feel?

 

No. I make a point to avoid even mentioning his brother's name, because I am afraid my h may find out what I feel for bil.

[Catdancer]

No. I make a point to avoid even mentioning his brother's name, because I am afraid my h may find out what I feel for bil.

 

I would just ask your hub to help you out when the bil gets too touchy. Tell your hub that it makes you uncomfortable and leave it at that .