trollinahole Posted January 20, 2012 Share Posted January 20, 2012 I'm not sure what you can do? From what I know it doesn't matter if you treat them like a princess or slave. Now before you all jump down my throught hear me out. I'm not condoning abuse and I treat my wife more on the princess side rather than slave. I'm in the under 40 crowd with a wife and 2 chidren. I love her and the kids. I do more than my 50% of the cooking and cleaning and 100% of all the outdoor stuff like lawn, snow etc. I've noticed since the children her sex drive is nothing. For the last 6 years I've felt that I'm bothering her with sex. Of course I've tried discussing it with her, suggested counseling etc. but all I've been made to feel is that I'm some dirty bastard that only has sex on the brain! We recently had a vacation to Sandals resort. I was told this was a new start for our sex life etc. For a 7 day trip we did not too bad, 3 times. Not exactly what I had in mind for all the hype but more than a 2 month average for us. Only problem is she wasn't there. She was only going through the motions. I'm not sure how much more attentive a lover I can be! What more can I do? I'm 6'1 205 lbs muscular and in pretty good shape I think. I would say that on average we have sex 1-2 times a month. Of those she might show up 2 times a year, the rest she does out of duty to her husband. I've asked her to see a doctor/counselor etc. but of course I'm just some sex monger! I love my wife with all my heart and my kids are no doubt the greatest joy in my life. But I still feel empty and hollow inside. HELP!!!! Link to comment
EmptyGuy Posted January 23, 2012 Share Posted January 23, 2012 I am in exactly the same position,my wife of 7 years and partner for 20 is now doing exactly the same to me.She went away on a girly weekend where one of her friends kissed another man (even though she had a partner at home) my wife denies she knew this had happened and swears blind that she didnt do anything with anyone.However since then (september) we have not made love once.I've told her that something must be up or something must have happened whilst away but she denies it.Our sex life wasnt amazing before this maybe twice a month but now its non-existent.I am 36 years old and a good looking guy and not being big headed but i could go out and pull whenever i want too but its her i want.We have 3 children together and this aside seem to be happily married.Since she came back from the girly weekend the friend who kissed another man has split from her long term partner and my wife is very good friends with her.I now find it very hard to trust her when shes with her this woman becasue of what happened and i still think my wife did something but she wont tell.I have cheated on my wife once due to lack of sex,no attention from my wife,feeling like flat mates rather than married which she knows about and we did split up because of this.When we split up and i'd drop my kids off at the house i would go in and we would end up having amazing sex and she would put even put on sexy stuff for me (which she never did when we were together) cos if i asked she'd call me a dirty bastard/perv etc.Since we got back together 2 years ago i have helped loads more round the house,with the kids etc but still get the usual excuses,too tired,headache,is that all i think about when its been 4 months since we made love? I am at my wits end and the last thing i want is to split up again as i dont think i could go through it again but i really don't know what more i can do. Link to comment
Thorshammer Posted January 27, 2012 Share Posted January 27, 2012 People shift their perspectives when they try to get embedded into their friends habit and life. There is nothing you can do for that, any attempt at control will further help her lose more attraction to you because you might come off as desperate and insecure. I would not try to pull her in if shes pushing away. That will just come off as needy and clingy, especially if shes in the state of mind that she wants to push away. Flowers and candy is your attempt to pull her in, this doesnt remedy a situation where you didnt push her away to warrant such a reaction. Asking for sex, pleading for sex, crying for attention, is not attractive. I would work on yourself. Reclaim your confidence, explore new interests, make new friends. Work on your appearance, dont make them the center of your world because pulling them when they are pushing doesnt work. Be a bit careless, go out yourself and stay out, display confidence and strength and even ambition if possible. Analyze any changes from WHO you were when she was attracted, and what you are now, if there is any difference, i would reverse those traits immediately. Link to comment
throwaway0719 Posted February 8, 2012 Share Posted February 8, 2012 This is exactly what is going on with my wife of 8 years. She has a professional job she hangs with professionals all day. About 2 months ago, she has started to go out at night and be with her friends. Weekend trips, outings to amusement parks etc. Recently she has become very distant, she doesn't want to be around me or have anything to do with me. Whenever I ask her what is wrong I get the same answers....nothing....it's not you it's me. Finally I got out of her that she is bored with our life and she wants a life like her friends have. Carefree with no commitments. They are all single except for one, who is older and married for like 20 years. I treat this woman like a queen. I hold down a part time job and run my own computer business. I am not bad looking, I work out 2x a week. She wants a kid in the future she tells me but this has made me so uneasy that she could just stop loving me at the drop of a hat that now I am not sure. I feel like the safety carpet of 8 years we have built has just been ripped out from under my feet. She tells me she is just going through a rough patch, what patch? Hopping over the lifestyle fence and seeing that the grass is greener somewhere else? I am heartbroken. But I recognize your advice that chimes with what she says. The harder I try, the more she feels like pushing me away. I love her to death and really want to be with her forever. She says she does too and I feel horrible for having doubts but I can't help it. Sex is non-existant and when it does happen it feels forced like she is just going through the motions. That is worse then no sex. She has never been a very sexual person but I didn't expect the sex to disappear at only age 27. She says that she spent 8 years in college and wants to get out there and party, and feels like she missed the party bus, which she did. Now I feel like she is trying to make up for that. When all those years she reassured me that the sex would get more frequent when she wasn't under so much stress(school), now it is non-existant. She never initiates sex anymore. She has also lost a lot of weight and has been doing amazing getting in shape. I just don't know how you can wake up one day and not desire someone anymore that you have loved and grown with for 8 freaking years. Link to comment
NeedToKnowWhy Posted February 27, 2012 Share Posted February 27, 2012 Hi. I was reading your post. Your wife is SO lucky to have a husband who cares SO much. If I could have a spouse with 1/10th of what you do for your wife,cooking cleaning, rubbing her feet, etc., I would be thrilled. I, too, am going through "the change" due to surgery.A lot of doctors, including my own, don't tell you that it will be dry as a desert in there and sand will come falling put at any moment! I don't know the medical reason behind your wife not wanting to be intimate. However, if it's a desert in there, it can be quite uncomfortable and there is help for lubrication. Maybe you could go to her GP with her for a complete physical and get all hormone levels checked, and all blood work updated. It could be her medicines are having a side effect. I'm not a doctor but a person who has been through a lot of surgeries and meds. Surgery and medications affect our bodies in ways we can't even begin to imagine. I hope things improve for you. Seek counseling together. If she won't go, go by yourself because you need to talk. It will make you feel better to talk to a professional even if she isn't with you. At least you can explore your feelings and then maybe help her with whatever is happening to her. Best wishes. P.S. Don't apologize for saying how you feel. Your feelings are important too.) Link to comment
The_Seeker Posted February 27, 2012 Share Posted February 27, 2012 To the OP, you taught me a valuable lesson. I will make sure that whoever I end up with have a sex agreement before getting married that's for sure! Link to comment
Capricorn3 Posted February 27, 2012 Share Posted February 27, 2012 To the OP, you taught me a valuable lesson. I will make sure that whoever I end up with have a sex agreement before getting married that's for sure! This thread is four years old and the OP hasn't been back since he posted it. Link to comment
The_Seeker Posted February 27, 2012 Share Posted February 27, 2012 This thread is four years old and the OP hasn't been back since he posted it. ;] No harm showing some appreciation right? Link to comment
NeedToKnowWhy Posted February 27, 2012 Share Posted February 27, 2012 I just read your post. If you do not feel safe in your home or with this man, get somewhere safe,now. Call a friend to pick u up. Have an overnight bag (or 2 or 3) packed and ready to go. Leave when he is not there. Have CASH on you. Try not to use any credit cards cards / bank cards that can be used to trace your movements. Get a restraining order (made threats to you) and follow through with court dates, etc. Follow the Restraining order. Don't break it because you feel bad, etc. I know this sounds terrible but you need to get out and get some help. I am sure you are a terrific person and you deserve to have a better life. Maybe you can get back on track and feel better about yourself. When you are stronger, maybe you can go to counseling together. Sometimes a separation is a good thing. Sometimes it leads to divorce. However, if he is communicatimg threats to you, you are not safe and need to find help ASAP even if it means calling 911. Best wishes Beautiful. Link to comment
The_Seeker Posted February 27, 2012 Share Posted February 27, 2012 ;] You must work for the CIA, huh? Link to comment
LostIn2012 Posted December 22, 2012 Share Posted December 22, 2012 Been married to my wife for 22 years. Over the past ten years each has been more of a struggle than the last. We have two boys that will be through school in a few more years and then that likely will be my time to exit. She's not happy, I'm not happy either. No outside hanky panky on either side, just tired of each other. Almost nothing in common anymore, just the kids, and when they're gone there's nothing left. Everyone gives the same obvious advise - communicate more. We've done all of that and nothing has changed. There comes a time you just have to call it for what it is - we've grown apart and not the same people we were back then. To your post, sex is part of it. When we were dating and through the first couple of years of marriage we did things I can only dream about now. While I am a ready and willing participant to do those things again, she will have no part of it. It's like she is a different person... and she is. I've accepted that and know we both need to go into the next phase of our lives with some sort of satisfaction from life by going down different paths. Link to comment
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