mellybelly Posted September 4, 2008 Share Posted September 4, 2008 image removed one month today. i miss you so much, and love you just as ever. thank you for loving me so much michelly. i hope you are surfing on rockets out there. ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ "Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry You don't know how lovely you are. I had to find you, tell you I need you, Tell you I set you apart. Tell me your secrets and ask me your questions, Oh lets go back to the start. Running in circles, Comin' up Tails Heads on a science apart. Nobody said it was easy, It's such a shame for us to part. Nobody said it was easy, No one ever said it would be this hard. Oh take me back to the start. I was just guessin' at numbers and figures, Pulling your puzzles apart. Questions of science, science and progress Do not speak as loud as my heart. And tell me you love me, come back and haunt me Oh and I rush to the start. Runnin' in circles, Chasin' up Tails Comin' back as we are Nobody said it was easy, Oh it's such a shame for us to part. Nobody said it was easy, No one ever said it would be so hard. I'm goin' back to the start." Link to comment
onewithbooks Posted September 4, 2008 Share Posted September 4, 2008 What a beautiful tribute. Link to comment
jengh Posted September 4, 2008 Share Posted September 4, 2008 aww, that is beautiful. you holding up okay? Link to comment
redrose85 Posted September 4, 2008 Share Posted September 4, 2008 The surfing on rockets part made me smile. It kind of gives us a glimpse what your relationship was like Link to comment
tiredofvampires Posted September 4, 2008 Share Posted September 4, 2008 Yes...this is beautiful, and urgent, and revealing. And I love the surfing on rockets, too. And that picture of him brings alive everything you've told us about him, all the ways you've described him. To a T! This is the image I had in my mind! And there is definitely such a playful sweetness about that...that I feel I miss him too...and I didn't even know him... How heartbreaking but full of loveliness at the same time. One month -- that's a HARD day. Lots of hugs your way... Link to comment
mellybelly Posted September 4, 2008 Author Share Posted September 4, 2008 thank you everyone. i'm not doing okay right now.... the craziest thing that i can't figure out, is that you actually don't die from this amount of heart break. it feels like i should. i tried to be strong tonight and went with my mom to go pick my sister, her boyfriend, and the baby they just had up from the hospital to take them home...the baby is so sweet, i had already seen him once the first day he was born, on labor day...but i just knew this was going to be hard...i wanted so much to be and have a family with michael one day...it just killed me seeing that precious little baby...and i hate that, because i'm so proud and happy for my sister...she is actually only 21, and she's been so brave through all of this, and i know she will be such a good mom. michael was excited too, he had started this little clothing alteration company, and he was going to make dylan(the baby) a little shirt....i just hate this so much. my heart is broken in the worst way. i just want him back...it was just so sad, i couldn't keep it together and my sister started crying too because she is so sad for me. i just want to be happy for her, genuinely, but i am so consumed with this overwhelming grief. i honestly just don't want to live in this world anymore. Link to comment
tiredofvampires Posted September 4, 2008 Share Posted September 4, 2008 Your being sad and feeling wrecked for you own loss doesn't take away from the fact that you love your sister and her baby dearly. Your heart CAN hold both emotions -- many emotions! -- at the same time. That's one of the most amazing things about a heart -- it can be glad and sad all at once, it is a very complex feeling organ. I know you are feeling that this joyful time has been contaminated by your grief, and are scared of the effect on your sister. My sister, also my best friend and 2 years younger with a baby son (with this same birthday, even!) has seen me through my tears of pride, love and joy for her family juxtaposed right up against my own sorrow that I don't have one at this point in my life. It's like, the contrast is woundingly sharp -- on the one hand, there is this miracle and bliss you are exalting. But that makes your own feeling of loss that much the deeper. Having someone come into the world at a time when you are grieving someone leaving the world is certainly a double-edged sword for you, emotionally...how can you rejoice and mourn at the same time? It's crazy-making! But your heart knows all of these feelings -- so just let them all careen around and feel all mixed up. Let it be a blur. Don't try to change any of them to be something else. This is HUGE for any person to be carrying, all of these triggers, so you are very strong! Love yourself for being so strong and know that your life is precious to your sister and your new baby nephew. She can share your tears just as you can share her joy now. It's okay for life to be messy. There's no other way. That's a beautiful quote you have for your signature...that's his? What a piece of inspiration and truth and insight. I absolutely LOVE that!! That is truly something that should be etched in stone for everyone, for all time. Link to comment
KG Posted September 4, 2008 Share Posted September 4, 2008 MB, Hold on...to the memories, the pictures in your mind. Let your heart ache, it's your tribute to him. I recall the part about not dying of heartbreak, it felt at times like a heart attack, and I was surprised I managed to survive it. This too shall pass....honest. KG Link to comment
Dagless Posted September 4, 2008 Share Posted September 4, 2008 The heart ache and the pain is only as limited as your love for him but trust me when the pain subsides the love will remain. It will forever be part of you, part of who you are. Link to comment
mellybelly Posted September 4, 2008 Author Share Posted September 4, 2008 hey t.o.v. i tried writing back to your PM, but it says your box is full! will try again later. that's crazy that our nephews have the same birthday... : ) thank you for you responses, always helpful. and, yep that quote is from michael....he was full of so much love and goodness, and wrote/said the most beautiful things. he definitely left a lot of love and inspiration for all of us. Link to comment
mellybelly Posted September 4, 2008 Author Share Posted September 4, 2008 thank you dagless... that is refreshing to hear. i definitely know the love will never leave me, but the pain.... unbearable sometimes. last night i was at the lowest point yet i think.....it scares me these different levels of pain and feelings i'm going through. The heart ache and the pain is only as limited as your love for him but trust me when the pain subsides the love will remain. It will forever be part of you, part of who you are. Link to comment
mellybelly Posted September 4, 2008 Author Share Posted September 4, 2008 KG, thank you thank you, thank you... i am trying to hold on. i realize that he gave me so much, and it would be a shame to throw it all away by giving up...which is how i felt last night. nothing has compared to feeling like this. no pain greater... MB, Hold on...to the memories, the pictures in your mind. Let your heart ache, it's your tribute to him. I recall the part about not dying of heartbreak, it felt at times like a heart attack, and I was surprised I managed to survive it. This too shall pass....honest. KG Link to comment
Dagless Posted September 4, 2008 Share Posted September 4, 2008 Sometimes there is nothing to hold on to but the voice in side that tells you to hold on. I realized that no one knew Lisa the way I did, no one saw the sides to her that I saw. She made me feel in a way I never thought I could feel. I couldn't let all those things slip away or just go quietly into the night. That helped me during some of my darkest times but sometimes all you can do is just hold on. Link to comment
raining.stars Posted September 5, 2008 Share Posted September 5, 2008 The heart ache and the pain is only as limited as your love for him but trust me when the pain subsides the love will remain. It will forever be part of you, part of who you are. So Beautiful. I have realised in the end it is a choice. We can't control life and death but we can choose to go on, there are so many times I wanted to give up and not fight anymore, the pain was too much. I even felt like that yesterday, but then I realise what my love taught me, life is a magical gift and he taught me so much and the reason I am who I am today is because of him and noone can take that away. We have no control in our circumstances, we had no control that we would meet our soulmates. it is all in the stars. There are 6 billion people in the world and we met our true love! It is amazing! I met my boyfriend backpacking around Mexico on a beach, a beach I wasn't going to go to, but I followed my instincts and ended up there. One foot on the sand and I saw him and we started talking and it felt as if we were reunited from another life time, it was magical! And the day I met him he almost drowned in the ocean, he could have died right then and there but he didnt, because I know our souls wanted to fall in love again. Before my love died, I was the last one to talk to him on the phone, he told me to cherish every moment that in the next life we won't remember what happened in this life so thats why you should live every moment and tell someone you love them. Thats what he was like he lived every moment each moment and was never afraid to tell you that he loved you. Then he got on his bike to go to his friends house , he told me he would call when he got there, but i never got the call, he was hit by a speeding truck that sweerved off the road on the way. It is human nature to always try to find the answers, why something has happened, the meaning behind everything. Im am trying to accept that I won't know why he had to be taken away so young, why I wasn't allowed to spend the rest of my life with him and I will never know. But I know he would want me to live, be happy, follow my dreams because he loved me so much Love and strength to you MellyBelly, you will make it through the dark nights. Following the darkest point of night is the dawn. Don't stand by my grave and weep, For I am not there. I do not sleep. I am a thousand winds that blow, I am the diamond's glint in the snow, I am the sunlight on ripened grain, I am the gentle autumn's rain. In the soft blush of the morning light I am the swift bird in flight. Don't stand by my grave and cry, I am not there, I did not die. by Mary Frye Link to comment
tiredofvampires Posted September 5, 2008 Share Posted September 5, 2008 Wow. Chocolatecookies, all I can say is I tried to rep you for that, but the system wouldn't let me (I "have to spread it around a bit first.") That is so stunning, it gave me shivers and teared me up. You are so right on...I was going to say the exact same thing to melly, that for the love Michael had for you, melly, happiness is your tribute to him, all that he wanted. You can't feel that now, of course, but you can hold onto the fact that this was his greatest desire, and when it feels pointless and you feel you can't go on, to hold fast to his wanting your smiles more than anything else in the world. Imagine if the roles were reversed...how you would only want that for him on earth as he continued, not for him to forget all the reasons you loved life together. But who better to say it, and how better to say it, than chocolatecookies...I'm going to print out this poem, it's so incredible. Thank you. Link to comment
tiredofvampires Posted September 5, 2008 Share Posted September 5, 2008 that's crazy that our nephews have the same birthday... : ) Oh, and yes, that IS just nuts!! And that both our sisters are 2 years younger! Are you a middle girl of 3 girls, too? Link to comment
mellybelly Posted September 5, 2008 Author Share Posted September 5, 2008 Oh, and yes, that IS just nuts!! And that both our sisters are 2 years younger! Are you a middle girl of 3 girls, too? wow, actually yes! Well there are actually 4 of us girls...but my parents didn't have my youngest sister until I was in highschool...so I generally do think of myself as the middle of 3...that's awesome. : ) Link to comment
Stars_n_Guitars Posted September 5, 2008 Share Posted September 5, 2008 is all i can say. I wanted to cry at the rocket surfing! Link to comment
mellybelly Posted September 5, 2008 Author Share Posted September 5, 2008 is all i can say. I wanted to cry at the rocket surfing! most of the time i don't have words either... there aren't enough words to express my love for him, or the pain of losing him. do you guys know the band Air? It was michael's favorite, and one of mine... listen to the song, "Surfing on a rocket"... makes me cry. Link to comment
Parsley Posted September 5, 2008 Share Posted September 5, 2008 Melly...I saw this and went back to read your other posts and I was reduced to tears. I just have to say how sorry I am that you're going through this and that you've been so brave and sensible this last month. Do you know what I mean? Not sensible in a cold-hearted way. You've not let people tell you what you should be feeling at any one time and done things the way you need to do them and that's how it should be. My heart goes out to you on this difficult day, I'm sure you've heard this from many many ENA members, but I am always at the other end of a PM. P xxxx Link to comment
mellybelly Posted September 6, 2008 Author Share Posted September 6, 2008 Melly...I saw this and went back to read your other posts and I was reduced to tears. I just have to say how sorry I am that you're going through this and that you've been so brave and sensible this last month. Do you know what I mean? Not sensible in a cold-hearted way. You've not let people tell you what you should be feeling at any one time and done things the way you need to do them and that's how it should be. My heart goes out to you on this difficult day, I'm sure you've heard this from many many ENA members, but I am always at the other end of a PM. P xxxx thank you so much parsley. so much love, melly Link to comment
mellybelly Posted September 6, 2008 Author Share Posted September 6, 2008 somehow i missed seeing this until now...thank you so much choclate cookies!! so beautiful, and i really do feel so much the same way. i know michael gave me so much, and to give up would be to throw it away...i can't do that with all that he was to me and all that he gave to me. so...i am trying. something held me at the point where i was so low, i don't know what, but something did, and i made the decision that i have to try and do something with this life...my purpose is still unfolding. doesn't mean that i won't be dealing with this for the rest of my life, because i know i will be...and it does scare me that more low points are in store, because when they hit is so awful...so beyond any pain i have seen before...and i do feel out of control...i feel this emptiness and longing at the same time take over...and it's so consuming. anyways, my heart aches for you chocolate cookies, i'm just glad that we found our soulmates...we are the most fortunate in this way... soooo much love, melly p.s. i love that poem...it was on michael's memorial hand out. : / Link to comment
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