Is the grass greener?

[ccali78]

So I have posted and vented alot but need some advice...

 

So my ex left me (did not leave me for someone else), but after a couple weeks of being alone starting seeing/sleeping with someone (I have only heard it was not his gf they were sleeping together).

 

He said it was not to be alone. So he shows up at my house after he broke it off with her about 2 weeks ago I would say at midnight. He is depressed says he loves me. Wants to work on himself and knows we cannot be together but he loves me. Had been in bed for 2 days, questioned if he could take care of himself or dog.

 

I had a date the next night I went it was ok. He texted me at midnight that night do I like him? I said No. He said he could not sleep and him and dog had been up all night... I said I am having fun.

 

So I do not remember everything but we texted a bit the next day. He said he missed me. He said I love you. But wants to take things slow. That he wants more but realizes through all of this that he wants to "live my life on full spiritual principles, not just be a good guy with some problems"

 

I know he has a lot of them so I am torn.

 

Yes he did seek someone else after our break up, but so did I and I did not tell him because to me it was not serious. He was younger and attractive and it made me feel good. So am I just as bad? We were probably broken up 2 weeks at the time. I did not view it as a bad thing until I said to myself I did the same thing as him I just did not get caught..

 

Where do we go from here?

[riley123]

I would suggest not going back to him.

 

I think history would be doomed to repeat itself and you'd find yourself trying to move forward...again.

 

You tried and it didn't work before -- what makes you think it would work now?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

If you want to sort things out with him then you should be honest with him about your dating activities since you know about his. Having the "skeletons" out of the closet will level the playing field and then you will be able to reconcile without secrets and guilt.

[SapphireNoir10]

Somtimes its better to move on than keep trying and keep making the same mistakes. I think this relationship has lived its life cycle and isnt doing either of you any good.

 

No matter how much you love him too many things have happened that would cause even MORE issues in time.

 

Move on for your own sake.

[ccali78]

I know I need to move on but part of me tells me it could be different because I am tired of lying and ready to honest.

 

The truth is he left me for a valid reason and I was only in denial and he was too and when he came out of the denial he left. I am an alcoholic. I do not drink anymore and am working on myself. I have already seen a drastic change. I am calmer. Able to rationalize things out of my control and the # 1 thing be honest. I was never honest before to myself or anyone but I am today.

 

Maybe I can change but that does not mean he can... I am just going to move forward and whatever is meant to be will be and I need to remember that. What I cannot do he will....

 

As for being honest. If he were to talk about reconciliation down the road I would be honest. But I feel at this stage where he is not trying to get me back at the moment just saying he wants to be a better man before he tries anything I cannot tell him. Not to mention I am doing the 12 steps and will need to make amends but not today. I am too vulnerable.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

It sounds to me like you both need to work on yourselves a lot more before any reconciliation has a chance of working. Both of you need to be in an emotionally healthy place first.

[ccali78]

Yes Crazy you are absolutely right. Whatever happens down the road for either of us in any relationship depends on us both being emotionally healthy. Today without him I am healthy with him I am not...

 

Today I do not think I could be emotionally healthy with anyone and i am ok with that. Just need to keep posting and to keep growing....

[Zeitgeist]

It sounds to me like you're working on yourself and you are ready for a serious mature relationship. It does NOT sound like your ex is. He sounds confused and lonely. I do not think it's a good idea to try and start a relationship with someone who is confused. They start acting irrationally and their confusion becomes infectious. He needs to get his act together, but he won't be able to do that with you to fall back on. One of my favorite quotes is by author Alice Sebold, "You save yourself or you remain unsaved." I couldn't agree more.

[agtc]

ITA with Zeitgeist.

If you want your EX back, do a NC. He needs to find himself. This relationship will not work in the condition that he is in. It's all about TIME.

[ccali78]

Thanks everyone. I feel better. This place is really a great place. If he does contact me I will simply say I hope you use this time to find yourself and when you do who knows....

[thejigsup]

I have a step son who is a recovering alcoholic. He was told not to have any romantic relationships for at least a year after reaching sobriety. Of course he did not and the result was a very messy divorce with assault charges (falsely) filed against him and some jail time done. He says he now realizes that until he got his life together he had no business having relationships, he wasn't in a mental position to handle them. His ex was an ex addict, also. After the divorce, he waited a little over a year to have a serious relationship and he is now married to the nicest girl you would ever meet. He said that long-term sobriety helped him get his "mate picker" fixed.

[ccali78]

Thanks Jig. I know this is the case and it is great to hear a success story. I am glad you shared it

[poloace]

ccali, you're kind of hot. screw your dude. he's a tard in a blanket.