How do you forgive parents?

[TofuDude]

How do you guys forgive your parents? I feel like there is a lot of emotional baggage on me and I wish to feel more free of this burden. It seems like when I spend time with them I start to get angry at the world and wish I'd never been born. Don't get me wrong though, they're not bad people, just they make me feel like I am incompetent or incapable of doing even the simplest of tasks.

 

Sometimes I get this feeling from my family (my sister included) that they look down on me. I don't know if it's paranoia or not but I want it out of my system. Any advice would be appreciated.

[Jetta]

You forgive parents by having children of your own and realizing they're human too. Well tofudude it's hard to say if it's paranoia or not because we aren't seeing how your family perceives you. Are you not living up to their expectations? That'd be the only reason I could see them looking down on you. If that's not the case then it is paranoia and you need to seek treatment.

[Hopelives]

I'm a mom of a 16 year old...

 

I hope he forgives me one day.

 

He is the light of my life, my only reason for living to be honest.

 

I want the best for him, so I push him to be his best... and often, it's backfired into horrendous fights...

 

But my love for him, does not end.

 

I just hope that love... forgives.

[ljoy74]

Sometimes family wants things so badly for you that it seems like they look down on you if the things do not happen. You could always try talking to them about how they make you feel.

As for forgiving them you just have to let things go. It's very difficult. I've learned that from awful experiences with my mother. I just have to let it go and forgive her and I choose to keep contact with her minimal as to avoid more negative experiences. This is hard because you NEED your family at points in your life and sometimes that need has to be sacrificed. Your situation could be entirely different though. I'd still say speak your feelings and see if changes can be made.

[caro33]

It probably depends a bit on how old you are and what opportunity you have to break away from them and prove yourself to yourself. I would think that the younger you are the harder it is likely to be to distance yourself emotionally from what you are feeling. I know it was for me.

 

Anyway, my best advice is to think really hard about your parents as people, just like you and your friends. Parents are not actually perfect, they do dumb things, say the wrong thing, and make mistakes that they later regret, just like all of us. They were your age once and they would have had all the same insecurities and issues, perhaps they even had these problems with their own parents. And being an adult does not mean you necessarily grow out of this stuff. Your parents may well be carrying around their own emotional baggage about how they were raised, or how they were treated at school, at work, at the local bowling club - whatever is applicable.

 

I think it depends what you need to forgive them for, and what forgiveness means to you. I think that some actions are unforgiveable, no matter who does them. So if your parent abuses you, gives you drugs, locks you up for days or does some other thing that anyone in your community would condemn, then perhaps it's not about forgiveness per se, but about you accepting your parent(s) limitations as people and choosing to never see them again.

 

But if the need for forgiveness is about more run-of-the-mill stuff, like a lack of support, thoughtless remarks, pushy and obnoxious behaviour, over criticism etc, then I think it's worth trying to find a place inside you where you say something like the following to yourself:

 

"That stuff with my parents sucked, and I am not okay with it. I hate that they treated me like that. However, it was just one set of behaviours among other behaviour that showed that they did care on some level -they fed and clothed me, they helped with my homework (etc). They are just people with their own limitations and they probably do not understand what this really felt like....I will not tolerate [whatever the bad parental behaviour was] again. But this time when it happens I will just tell them it's not on and walk away. When they behave better toward me we can resume a relationship".

[caro33]

...just they make me feel like I am incompetent or incapable of doing even the simplest of tasks.

 

Sometimes I get this feeling from my family (my sister included) that they look down on me. I don't know if it's paranoia or not but I want it out of my system. Any advice would be appreciated.

 

I had this as well, and still have it to some degree. I thought my parents thought I was a bit simple right up until....I don't know - my 20s? My parents are real hard-nosed intellectual elitists who read number theory for fun and have no friends. As a child I felt totally alone and was sure that life was going to be hard all the way through for me.

 

But as I grew older I realised that it was not me who was the freak, it was my parents. That their life is not necessarily a happy one. That you can be smart and also have friends, you can be silly, and you can hate numbers. I can do all sorts of stuff that they can't, and I think I have a happier life.

 

Find what you are good at, and excel. Your parents probably want you to do well - as time goes on you can show them that you are doing well, and maybe it's in an area they don't understand, but you can teach them...

[just M.E.]

How do you guys forgive your parents? I feel like there is a lot of emotional baggage on me and I wish to feel more free of this burden. It seems like when I spend time with them I start to get angry at the world and wish I'd never been born. Don't get me wrong though, they're not bad people, just they make me feel like I am incompetent or incapable of doing even the simplest of tasks.

 

Sometimes I get this feeling from my family (my sister included) that they look down on me. I don't know if it's paranoia or not but I want it out of my system. Any advice would be appreciated.

 

I am a mother also, my daughter is 27, so I have received and given baggage. I also carried baggage from my parents for too many years in my life. At some point in your life, you will be able to look at your parents and realize that they too, had baggage from their parents. It's hard to see in the parent / child relationship, as we get older and more removed we can see these things more clearly, with hindsight.

 

You will learn in time that they are who they are and wish as much as you want, you cannot change who they are and what has already happened in life. I found that investing too much of my emotions to this subject just drug me down. I was the one who needed to find acceptance for my life and move forward.

 

I once read a very good quote on parenthood. When we have our children, they are given to us like perfect unblemished mirrors. As we go through life and raise them, we can't avoid the scratches we put onto that perfect mirror and in the end they all will have scratches and mars, but if a parent does their job right, that mirror will remain unbroken.

 

It's hard sometimes to accept those mars and scratches, those damages to our surface, but remember it is you who can make sure they remain as surface scars only. You aren't broken.

[Supa_gurl]

Forgiveness comes from the heart. I found it in mine to forgive my mother's absense in my life and for her leaving in the first place. I have also forgiven my father for his abuse. He tried so hard to be a single parent working many jobs at a time, and the frustration was taken out on me. However, now as a mother myself, I see how hard it was on him and although he did not handle the best way possible, he did his best. I found the Lord and in finding him, I found that I can forgive. You can too.

[luvs2kayak]

Parenthood is an impossible experience. By that I mean that if you're too involved, you're smothering; if you're too loose, you're detached; if your hopes and dreams for your children are too high, you're a nag; if your hopes and dreams are too low, you're distant; if you give too much of yourself, you're a pushover; if you don't give enough, you're a b!tch........ well, you get the picture. Cut your parents some slack. Reframe what they're saying and give them the benefit of the doubt, unless they are real jerks. If they're basically good people, maybe consider that they may see more potential in you because they think you're smart and talented. That's called having a positive outlook. And remember, that it all comes down to you and what you think about yourself. When you're more secure in your self, it doesn't matter so much what others think... even your parents.

[TofuDude]

Hm yes, thanks for all the replies. It's all great advice. I suppose my mind hasn't really matured enough (I'm only 23) to be able to fully grasp what exactly goes through my parents minds. I haven't been trying hard enough to see things from their point of view. I guess it is easy to be angry, but thats when you need to be understanding the most. Wish I had better self-awareness to catch myself in the act before I lose my cool.

[healthseeker]

Honey, I'm 40..and just now getting the grasp of how angry I really am with them! I guess it's because their exclusion of my family has become so clear to me now. So don't feel bad how old you are...you're way ahead of me!

[NowandZen]

Jetta, M.E., Supagurl and Kayak are spot on, so I won't repeat what they said.

 

Assuming that your family looks down on you, realize that this says NOTHING about you. It says that THEY are people who feel the need to look down on others. When you realize that we are all part of the same source, you realize that insulting others is insulting yourself. We all have something to give, we all have a role to play. To assume one's role is better than others' is the height of arrogance.

 

Namaste