Endings/ finality/ closure/ reconciling...

[Nearwater]

Some of you frequent board users may have read my posts since may about my breakup, getting dumped, having a very bad grief and abandonment reaction and efforts to reconcile and move on.

 

I am feeling loads better, most of the time. The crying endlessly has subsided. I still wake up 2-3 times a night and think about all the details, the future ect. I know I have not let go of hope but have gotten to where I can do NC for real. It seems her rebound will run it's course soon. She is many states away but will have to come home sooner or later.

 

The point of this post is to ask, not with false hope but with real interest about personal experience, if any of you has experienced a person that dumped you, either out of interest for someone else or self sabotage, has come back in time. I have been very kind and real in my writing and in her heart she knows 2 things for sure:

 

1. she left a really happy relationship with a committed man out of fear

 

2. The person she is now dating is still married, emotionally unavailable not very kind.

 

She has acknowledged pulling back in relationships before, been unwilling to use therapy to look at her childhood and has some basic commitment fears.

 

That being said, she has turned the other cheek towards me and has asked for NC of any kind, that I am honoring that.

 

A bitter pill to swallow for sure.

 

I am trying to look ahead to my life, dreams and happiness without her, but still, for now anyway dream to get that call...

 

Thanks in advance

[Xetra Dax]

But look, this is her own mistake. If she realises this mistake and makes the move out of her own in time to come back to you, id say take her back. On the other hand i think she's unintelligent for dating a married man, i mean do you even want to be with a girl who is crazy enough to date a married man? I don't know about you but i would run away to the horizon.

[Nearwater]

"But look, this is her own mistake. If she realises this mistake and makes the move out of her own in time to come back to you, id say take her back."

 

That's the rough plan, if she does come around is is wanting to work it out in therapy, I am willing to at least listen with an open mind.

 

"On the other hand i think she's unintelligent for dating a married man, i mean do you even want to be with a girl who is crazy enough to date a married man?"

 

THAT is what I want comments about in this thread. This guy has been very unfair to his kids and wife about her, introducing her way to soon, including her in activities with them and they have been acting out quite badly. I cannot imagine how this could be fun or satisfying for her, it is like she went through a personality transformation. I don't know how many times I heard her complaining about friends that cheated or similar things and here she is in the thick of it.

We talked about the future, our lives together and she seemed so positive.

We are both mid-40's, never married-oh, she is starting to show menopause signs too, in the middle of all this!

 

 

I am walking, but looking over my shoulder...

[John Bendix]

Maybe she has a problem dealing with relationships and simply enjoys the drama. there is plenty of it involved with a married man.

 

If you try and work things out with her, would her agreeing to some form of therapy out of the question? Do you know for certain that she is going through perimenopause?

 

There is not much you can do right now but walk on down the road. While looking over your shoulder, you may trip a few times. This may cause you to eventually start looking in front of you again.

[Nearwater]

"Maybe she has a problem dealing with relationships and simply enjoys the drama. there is plenty of it involved with a married man."

 

Yes, she confided in me that in her last LTR she pulled back, he cheated on her and they broke up. I met her 2 years later.

I have thought long and hard about this and I just don't think she likes that kind of drama, we got along so well...

 

"If you try and work things out with her, would her agreeing to some form of therapy out of the question?"

Do you mean would that be the only way I would go back? I think you missed a word.

 

" Do you know for certain that she is going through perimenopause?"

 

Last winter she was late once for 8 days, a pregnancy scare. Then she started, then she started having night sweats and hot flashes... Would go to bed on a -10' night bundled up and I would wake at 2 am to her tearing her clothes of sweating. We talked about it a bit and she thinks she might be.

 

I will try to keep my eyes on the road... but we all know how love feels John.

[jasper01]

Her intimacy/commitment problems won't go away if she comes back. She would leave again and you would go through this again, for sure if she won't go to therapy. It probably feels safer for her right now to be with someone unavailable. You sure you want this?

[Nearwater]

No Jasper, Don't want it. The only If is IF she comes back, We go to therapy or no dice noway.

 

What do you know of this choosing someone unavailable or just "wrong" by any standards?

[The_411]

Kanelio,

 

I do not remember your story but I feel as if there are things being left out. She is over age forty and still chasing married men?

 

She will be back but the question is will you really want her back.

 

Fear of abandonment and fear of intimacy and fear of engulfment.

 

Are you sure she was cheated on in her last LTR and not vice versa?

 

Kan, I think I advised you to read up on Borderline Personality Disorder.

 

Unless she goes through intensive therapy she will be plagued by it for the rest of her life.

 

Obviously I am not a doctor and I cannot diagnose people but her behaviors fit many of those of someone with BPD.

[Nearwater]

"I do not remember your story but I feel as if there are things being left out. She is over age forty and still chasing married men?"

 

1st time as far as I know-

 

"She will be back but the question is will you really want her back."

 

You sound sure! Why?

 

"Fear of abandonment and fear of intimacy and fear of engulfment. "

 

from her abusive childhood?

 

"Are you sure she was cheated on in her last LTR and not vice versa?"

 

No, not sure... although the guy, well, yeah, the guy married the girl and she was already pregnant, and they have been married now for years.

 

"Kan, I think I advised you to read up on Borderline Personality Disorder. "

 

Gosh, did you see my other post? search posts by me.

 

"Unless she goes through intensive therapy she will be plagued by it for the rest of her life."

 

Don't i know it!

 

Obviously I am not a doctor and I cannot diagnose people but her behaviors fit many of those of someone with BPD.

[The_411]

Unfortunately, through life experiences I've had to learn about Borderline Personality/Narcissistic Personality Disorder along with many others.

 

The problem is that if you ask people what alcoholism is, or depression, or bi-polar they can easily explain it whereas if you say borderline personality disorder they usually will have no idea.

 

Originally it was believed that 2% of the US pop had BPD or 6 million.

 

More recent figures put it at 5.9% or 17.7 million.

 

That number may even still be low because it's still a new illness, it's not covered by medical insurance, and is often misdiagnosed for other underlying symptoms.

 

I would suggest her abuse in childhood led to arrested brain development which partially biological and partially behavioral.

 

Now as to your responses ...

 

She'll be back because they almost always do. Problem is she may contact you while with the married man and say I don't love him I miss you blah blah and yet take no action.

 

Now that I remember it you did do a post on BPD. Now that you think that's a possibility I would suggest going to link removed and read some stories to gain a better understanding and see if BPD fits.

[Nearwater]

Hi, I spent allot of time on that site and even journaling for myself her emails and texts and conversations... Her traits are undeniable in some ways, very subtle in others.

 

Suffice to say as another poster put it that she is affected and troubled by her past and this is keeping her from having a normal LTR and dealing with this as an adult.

 

I will try to stay chin up and keep an open mind.

[jasper01]

No Jasper, Don't want it. The only If is IF she comes back, We go to therapy or no dice noway.

 

What do you know of this choosing someone unavailable or just "wrong" by any standards?

 

Been through that and in deep four times over the last 20 years. I am dealing with that exact thing now as well, with you. Though it's a lot easier for me now, because of my past experiences with it. And I've been through most of my own issues from my past history so I have a strong connection to my core self. It still hurts but I don't resist it so much.

 

What I know is, while not impossible, it's extremely unlikely the person will feel drawn to come back. And that is what they go on, whether they feel like it or not. The condition by it's nature makes no other choice possible, because they believe outside circumstances are what makes them feel one way or another. These people tend to experience the bonding differently, and once they have made the choice to leave the bond is changed in such a way that they become closed and fear opening.

 

As far as choosing the unavailable, I think it's more a matter of not being able to recognize who is good to be with, combined with wanting to not deal with the grief process of the last failure (in their eyes).

 

But- Sometimes love is stronger than all that and it is so powerful it overcomes these things. I know this happens as well, but only second hand. It's never happened in my life.

 

It is enough to know, that without the person's full ability to love themselves, they cannot love or trust you in the way that you wanted. It is best to let it go, and think of it as a death, or else you will get stuck in the grief process. Not think too much of a possible future/therapy etc.

 

I think it is also possible to learn to tell the difference between someone who will be able to form a real relationship, and someone who can't or isn't ready to. Probably a much needed skill in this age.

[Nearwater]

"What I know is, while not impossible, it's extremely unlikely the person will feel drawn to come back. And that is what they go on, whether they feel like it or not. The condition by it's nature makes no other choice possible, because they believe outside circumstances are what makes them feel one way or another. These people tend to experience the bonding differently, and once they have made the choice to leave the bond is changed in such a way that they become closed and fear opening."

 

In our talks while we still talked during the break up she did cop to having old issues, I think my writing to her and sending her some good links might open her up a little bit to help, or at least self-examination if things go bad. I have positioned myself as loving, caring and willing to listen if she ever wants to talk again.

 

"As far as choosing the unavailable, I think it's more a matter of not being able to recognize who is good to be with, combined with wanting to not deal with the grief process of the last failure (in their eyes)."

 

This could be, but when the honeymoon is over and she sees what is in front of her, then may her grief of our loss begin? She asked for it, and she got it. Living with it is another story, especially when his true colors come through. That is what I am most curious about.

 

"It is enough to know, that without the person's full ability to love themselves, they cannot love or trust you in the way that you wanted. It is best to let it go, and think of it as a death, or else you will get stuck in the grief process. Not think too much of a possible future/therapy etc. "

 

I know, I know, but love is SO blind, I am trying...

[scornandtorn]

"This could be, but when the honeymoon is over and she sees what is in front of her, then may her grief of our loss begin? She asked for it, and she got it. Living with it is another story, especially when his true colors come through. That is what I am most curious about."

 

Amen to this. I agree with this one hundred percent and am waiting on the samething. However, I would never take my ex wife back, even if she became an expert in counciling and relationships. She fooled me once, very easily, and she could do it again.