How to heal from your breakup (help for all)

[avman]

Ok, so you've broken up with your partner and now you're hurting. You've tried to put it back together, but it isn't working. Its time for you to heal. I've put together some things from a bunch of difference sources, including my own personal experiences. I hope this is able to help you in your journey to healing and perhaps shed some light on why you are feeling the way that you are.

 

 

Stop fighting

It takes two of you to maintain a conflict. Only one is needed to end it. If you want to heal, you have to end the cycle. Worry about you and your actions. Not the actions of your ex. Free yourself from the conflict

 

Sometimes, the only way to be free of the conflict is not to contact your ex. This is so often needed in the early stages of healing. You need a time out so that you can focus just on yourself, and not worry about what your ex is doing or saying. So step back from your ex to allow the healing to take place.

 

 

Cry!

Realize that you still love your ex. You can't just make it go away. Its there, so admit it. The whole reason that you are hurting the way that you are is because that love is still there. It hurts to have your love rejected. Let yourself feel that hurt. If you deny that its there, that really causes pain. Lots of pain. And that pain can seem to last forever.

 

Crying is so important to release the hurt thats inside. Kids cry a lot when they get hurt. Then they wipe their tears, and they go off and play. They feel better. When we get older we sometimes forget the value of a good cry. So cry like crazy. Fake it at first if you have to. Get out some pictures of your ex. Put on your favorite song. And let it come. It might be a little scary at first, because the emotions are so powerful. But thats because you've been bottling them up inside you. Once you let them out, they don't have the power to hurt you anymore. Do this as many times as you need to. It's vital to help you heal.

 

 

Forgive your ex.

Do you know why? Because if you don't, then you will resent them. And that will color your opinion of every relationship. You will be distrustful, you will see the bad side of things, you will make generalizations like "All men are cheaters" or "All women are a tease". It poisons your spirit and covers up the wonderful person that you are inside. Forgiveness is really to help YOU. It frees you from continuing to suffer at the hands of something that somebody else did. You've suffered enough over what happened don't you think? Recognize that a hurt was created over the actions of your ex and then forgive them. Because dwelling on it will not make it any better.

 

 

Forgive yourself

We all make mistakes. We aren't perfect. And sometimes we make really BIG mistakes. Big enough to destroy relationships. But we don't do them on purpose. We do them because we didn't know better. So then the fallout happens. And we also add a whole bunch of guilt. And thats what really hurts. "Its all my fault". "If only I had paid more attention to her". "If only I had been a better girlfriend". "If should have known ..." That's the guilt talking. Stop the "What if" talk in your mind. You did the best you could under the circumstances.

 

Have you learned from your mistakes? Knowing what you know now, would you do things differently? Well ok, then you have received an important benefit from your mistake. You learned something that you wouldn't have learned otherwise. You are human, and so you will make mistakes. Forgive yourself for them. You've suffered enough. Know that what you have learned will help you tremendously in your next relationship.

 

 

Let go

The relationship didn't work. The other person (or you) decided to leave. You cannot force them to want you. You can only treat them in a way that they will enjoy being with you. Being clingy, desperate, angry, threatening, or a puddle on the ground will not make them want to be with you. They may pity you, but they will not want to be with you. They feel suffocated and so they move away.

 

You have to give your ex their freedom. This is the key to your own healing. Otherwise you are completely consumed by your hurt. Nobody is saying you have to like it. Just be willing to let go. This is something you do in your head and in your heart. Say to yourself "I'm letting you go. I don't want you to, but I want happiness for you. You have my love and my best wishes all the days of your life. I'm setting you free". Say these words until you really mean them. Cry it out because this is going to really hurt.

 

If you can say those words to your ex directly, then do so. If you can't, then grab your best friend and ask them to listen to you. Pretend that your best friend is your ex. Say these words to them. And really mean it.

 

 

Heal

This is the part where your friends come in. Its time to move on in your life. You've forgiven your ex and yourself. You've cried until you can't cry anymore. And you are working on letting your ex go. When you feel alone and upset, its time to call your friends. Let them be a part of this process with you. Don't feel as though you are bothering them. This is where you find out who your true friends really are. These are the ones who will stick by you in your time of need.

 

Let your friends take you out. Or have them come over and stay in. Whatever you would prefer. Let them help you re-enter life. Don't worry about dating right now. Just start getting plugged back in to life experiences.

 

If you start to fall back and obsess over your ex, tell your friends. Let them help you stay focused. And HUG them. Human contact is SO important for healing. Guys, this applies to you too. If you are uncomfortable hugging your guy friends then ask a female friend. This isn't a sexual hug, this is a good ole fashion bear hug. The human touch is an incredible thing. It has the power to heal the deepest hurt. So keep doing it. Its amazing how much better you will feel.

 

Healing can be a long process. We are talking weeks or months. Not days. Its going to take awhile to feel back to your "old self". It can be really frustrating. But let the hurt run its course. Eventually you will come out of this a stronger person.

 

I hope this helps everone see the whole picture when it comes to healing. It's always a good idea to take a few steps back and really look at your situation from an outside perspective. Best wishes to all, and you are not alone.

[neallo82288]

Very sound advice. If you are hurting and dealing with the pain of a break up then listen to this and let it soak in. Trust me it works. Not only did I come out stronger, but I came out smarter. That is the best advice anybody can give you for dealing with pain. So please listen to it and ask for help that is why this site is here.

 

Without forgivness you have learned nothing from the relationship and that is why humans have different relationships to learn from them to make you a better person. But (SF), how can you be a better peerson if you cannot forgive? God sent his son to forgive us, but we cannot find it in our hearts to forgive another human. Is forgiveness not part of the Lord's Prayer?

 

I had one ex tell me the reason she is breaking up with me is that she cannot handle my children. Yes, I forgave her, but still want to cuss her out, but she avoids me. I could care less about her, but she insulted my children and that is only forgivable by me and only because I want her to know I am stronger than that and so are my children (even though they do not know why we broke up). In case you are wondering this is not the ex I was whinning about a few short weeks ago.

[avman]

Its important to forgive your ex so that the anger doesn't keep burning a hole in you. That doesn't mean you agree with their actions. It just means you set that hurt free from inside you.

 

If you don't do that, what you end up with is resentment over past hurts. And the only person that ends up hurting - is you.

 

avman

[JSHRN]

Nice post with some very useful advice avman!

 

Perhaps nothing is as painful as giving everything you have to make a relationship work, only to have the other person reject you and simply walk away.

 

No matter how hurtful our breakup may have been, we have no other option: We are expected to forgive those who have wronged us, including our former partner.

 

No matter how difficult it may be to let go of the anger, resentment, or hurts that we carry from the breakup, we have to endure this in order to come out a better and stronger person.

 

Forgiving does not mean pretending that nothing happened, or that what happened was not wrong. We must try to to accept the fact that as humans we fail and we make mistakes.

 

Another reason why we must forgive our former partner is that our ability to move past the painful process of a breakup can never truly be complete if we hold onto old resentments. Though we may wish otherwise, holding onto the memories of past wrongs will never enable us to go back and do things differently. Nor will it call people back to mend their mistakes and apologize for the misery they caused us. Instead, while our former partner moves on with his or her life, we will remain stuck, bogged down by the weight of those unforgiven wrongs.

 

We can extract positive, life-changing lessons from our experiences that ultimately give us the power to grow, to change, and ultimately to forgive.

On some days, all we can do is simply survive; forgiveness isn't even in our emotional radar. Some days, just surviving alone is an excruciatingly frightening experience.

 

Healing starts when we shift our attention from the pain we feel now to the joy we felt before. At first this makes us hurt even more because it reminds us of what we have lost. But if we stay with it, in spite of the hurt, we begin to become aware that no bitterness can destroy the sweetness of our memories.

 

It may even make you grow strong enough for the final step of this healing process. Having forgiven yourself and the other in your heart, you may now be able to express this forgiveness outwardly, by a letter, a phone call, or a meeting face to face. But if and when and how this can come about depends not on you alone, but on both of you. You must be ready to express your inner forgiveness outwardly, but your healing must not depend on it.

 

Your healing will be complete as soon as you can hold in your heart all that has happened and be grateful for the ways in which it made you grow.

[DestructoBoy]

Thank you very much Avman. You're advice and insight has helped me so much with everything that I've been going through. You too Swing Fox, and for that matter all Moderators and Royal Members.

 

This site has been a blessing to me. I've been able to learn coping skills and able to just vent my frustrations.

 

Bless you all for everything!!

 

By the way...I'm still down and out, but getting better with time!! hehe!

 

I've also met a wonderful girl form this site. She has been a very positive force in my life. I'm actually going to post for some advice for that later....I hope the Avman can help! Shoot....of course he can! Heck, you all can! You're all fantastic and thank you again for the support.

 

So many topics you all cover and every bit of advice is very thoughtful and well put!

 

Keep up the good work!

 

-Destructo

[avman]

Destructoboy,

 

So glad to hear things are looking up for you. Congrats on meeting someone new too. I think you are ready for the nickname change to "Constructoboy" now!

 

avman

[DestructoBoy]

Well Avman, I think you're right. You and Gilgamesh have both suggested that, but.....I still have a few more things to hash out before my Destructo status is null and void.

 

Getting there though....thanks to all of you!!!

 

I'll be sure to announce the change when the time comes....

 

Thanks for being so positive and for everythting else!!

[DestructoBoy]

Thanx SwingFox! I'll be sure to notify you or the other moderators first before my name change.

 

But like I said, I still have a few more rantings and things to work out before I am healed from my mishaps (most brought on by myself!)

 

Thanks again to all of you. You're all wonderful caring people and i love that you all support me from around the world. It feels good!!!

 

ConstructoBoy is coming soon....maybe a month or two. Still in terrible pain from my ex and other life issues. But keeping my head up and staying strong thanx to you all at Enotalone........it's been a god send.

 

Gracias Amigos!

 

-Destructo

[Chupa Chup]

hello you bunch of people who are responsible for this web site

 

i just want to say (and i've said this to avman before) how thankful and grateful i am (as many many other people here feel the same way) to have found this website for good relationship advise, for comfort to the brokenhearted, for hope to those who are weary and basically for the good company of making new friends and knowing that there are other people out there who are going through the same thing as you are.

 

this website has taught me things i never knew before about getting through a break up. my past 2 experiences with a break up left me pretty much direction-less, lost, and not knowing the ways to cope. don't get me wrong, this is the worst and most painfully heartbreaking break up i have ever been through but i have learnt so much from here that has helped me cope better with my current situation. i'm in the very very early stages of a break up and its going to be some time before i can be myself again and ready to meet new people. my point is, THANK YOU SO MUCH for those of you who up-keep this website, for creating a place where so many of the brokenhearted can come to for comfort and hope.

 

you have been such a blessing to me and to so many other people. it means so much to us. God bless you all in a very special way.

 

thankfully

chupa chup

[lunatic]

Avman,

 

I am impressed at your vision and inspiration on breakup healing. That is exactly what one needs to do to start down the road to recovery. My hats off to you dude. Thanks for the insightful post. If you had posted that a few months ago I probally would be using your technique myself. I pretty much did that myself and I am very happy now for the first time in years. Bravo!!!!

 

Hubman

[avman]

Congratulations hubman. I'm so glad to hear you are doing so well now. And I understand there is someone new in your life.

 

I wish you both much happiness and joy in the coming days!

 

avman

[lunatic]

Thanks Avman that means alot to me. I wish you all the best in your life. Where was this write up when I needed it the most?

 

Only bustin...

 

Glad to see that someone put into words that no one can seem to see when they break up with someone.

 

Keep up the good work my friend!

 

Hubman

[crookster_man]

Chupa Chup, I just want to say thank you to you as well. I've been with this site for many months now and I've seen countless people come through here looking for advice and seeking counseling. I believe that this site has helped many people, but it has also helped the responders as well. I know that when I first found this site I felt a great sense of relief and self healing by helping others.

 

As time passed through my advice to others, I was able to hell myself. This was the reason I first came to this site. Now many months later I have overcome the situations that first brought me here. However, I still feel a great sense of relief and warmth out of helping others overcome there hardships.

 

So as much as you would thank us, I would like to thank every member on here who comes to us in their time of need. In truth we need each other. So once again, thank you.

 

P.S. Avman, great post by the way. I agree with everything you said. It's a surefire way to over come any diversity in our life.

[sana555]

Thank you all for a great summary...

Although my breakup ended in getting back together, the forgiveness part is still pending...

 

I have some things that i have to forgive my bf for and myself for as well.

I understand the reasons and meant to do so; but every time i think i forgave both of us for the things, during the next conflict i start remembering all those things and blame him for them and realize that i actually haven't forgiven.

 

So here is my question...How do you forgive? How do you know you've climbed up that stair of forgivness? Is it a long process? I can't imagine it happens overnight.

 

thank you for your opinions and insights. i find this website very helpful and not only in the extreme situations, but for ordinary problems as well.

[avman]

Well you know you've forgiven when you don't hurt anymore over the actions or the incident.

 

Forgiveness isn't about agreeing with the other persons actions or liking what they did. Its about letting go of the resentment that the action caused you to have. Resentment is something you create to mask the hurt that the other person caused. Instead of feeling hurt, you turn it into anger. Unfortunately the anger causes pain too.

 

Can you forgive your partner for not being smarter and more aware of their actions? Can you forgive them for being human and thereforeeee flawed? If you had done the same exact thing that your partner had done - would you want to be forgiven?

 

Forgiveness also does not mean that you want to be hurt like that again. It just means that you stop fighting that hurt (which creates the resentment and anger) and allow the hurt to run its course. Then let it go. Once you've finished with the hurt, then you can forgive.

 

If the hurt runs so deep that you can't get past it, then its time for counseling. They can help you uncover what it is that is really bothering you about the situation. Did your ex make you feel not good enough, not sexy enough, not smart enough? How did their actions truly affect you? You have to deal with the true source of the hurt in order to forgive. As long as you continue to feel not ok with yourself - you won't be able to forgive very easily.

 

Does this help?

[Rooster1616]

Dear Avman and Other Members,

 

The advice is awesome..I have yet to complete all the stages but I am in the process of healing. Thank you Avman for all the individual advice and support. It has made going thru this a bit better. However, Thank you all again for the advice and I will keep you posted on the healing process.

 

thanks

[uongy]

hey good job all of you that posted.

 

id just like to add my two cents.

i broke up with my ex in Sept and was completely devastated.having help from my friends and this website did help me alot and helped me keep sane!i really did love her but i had to get over it.

 

friends made me realise(eventually) that it wasnt everything to me.i finally think i have turned the corner.im enjoying life and living life to the full without need or extreme want of a new gf.

 

what i would suggest from my experience is time to evaluate all your feelings.dependin on how you felt for your ex,sort out what you felt for her and why.what did she do for you?that sorta thing.and make sure you know what you want from your relationship.this takes time and time out to think it through.

 

friends esp close friends should help you through.also talk about your feelings to them.dont keep them bottled in or you will implode!

 

hope im givin something worthwhile!take care everyone.uongy.

[luxe_13]

*Meeting someone new ----This is the biggest thing that has helped me heal.

Believe me, I never thought i could love anyone else except my ex. Then i met someone...he knows my situation so we are taking it very slowly.We are just having fun (we haven't slept together yet) and going out on dates, etc.

Since i met this new guy i have realised that i was holding onto something that wasn't there anymore.

It is better to move on. The past is the past. Maybe you do want your ex back...but they are not here now so concentrate on other things.

 

NOTHING is going to make them come back. It is their decision. I know that sounds harsh.You will probably find that in time you won't even want them back. I know it is hard to imagine now....but I am living proof. I though my life was over when my ex broke up with me 3 months ago. Even 2 weeks ago he ws all i thought about.

But now, happiness is starting to come back. when i go to sleep at night i think of this lovely new man i have met...not my ex.

 

Sure I still hink of my ex all the time, but I don't pine after him anymore. I think of the good times and smile. I think of the bad times and think - he is such a fool.

 

I feel so much stronger now. Breaking up with the love of my life has been the biggest learning experience of my life. I am almost grateful for it now.

 

 

So don't worry guys...you will find love again and you will be happy again!

[avman]

uongy and luxe_13

 

Thank you so much for sharing your stories. I hope it gives others the sense that healing IS possible no matter how much pain you are in right now. There is a light at the end of the tunnel and you are still worth loving even though you have been rejected.

 

Congrats to both of you on finding new love!

[QTpie87]

yeah right, i really love all of your suggestions, really, i just wish it was just as easily done as said. well thankyou for your suggestions though i am still trying. and thankyou for being here for all of us who are still trying to get off of it, expecially thankyou for continually helping me even though i never can really let go.

[didyoumissme]

letting go is hard, easier said then done....

[avman]

You're right didyoumissme. Nobody said it was easy. And that wasn't my intent. The intent was to help you through the process of letting go. It WILL be hard and it will take time. We're all here to help each other through things and pick each other up when we fall down.

 

avman

[brosiamarie]

Thanks for the advice Avman I needed to hear that I had forgiven him but it's harder to forgive myself even if it really wasnt my fault its more of what if I could of done to save the relationship but I know that is just wishful thinking. The hard part now is just trying minimize all the memories of us together thats the painful part. I try to keep myself busy but as soon as I am alone I cant help to start thinking and reliving all of our times good and bad. It's just hard when your head knows the truth but your heart refuses too.

[avman]

Yeah it certainly is. The head is a lot easier to convince. Making your heart understand that is a whole different story. That's where time helps heal.

 

You do sound like you are coming to a great deal of acceptance and thats a good thing.

 

Keep going. You're on the right path.

 

avman

[Lilu]

Thank you very much for the help you've offered to all of us in need, avman. Very greatful for your wise words!

 

Hugs,

Lilu