my soulmate, my boyfriend died...

[Pocket Rocket]

You speak with a lot of compassion for someone who has recently suffered a loss. To both - it can take a while but it is possible to get back on your feet. However, for now give yourselves all the time you need.

 

Usually to send a PM to someone you click on their username and a list drops down. It should say "Send a private message to ...." however some members disable private messaging so it doesn't show up on drop-down menu.

[krystallion]

thank you-i know what you mean i do little things to keep myself distracted but it gets to the point i'm afraid to stop or go to sleep because i'm afraid to have more breakdowns, but you're right god has a plan-he has to.and my heart bleeds for you because i know the pain and i will pray for you as well, i just am so confused.i read this article today about soulmmate saying how adam and eve were created from one soul and everyone has their soulmate,the other half of their soul, and i know we both will meet with ours again when our time comes that it doesnt end here. and i'm grateful though at times that i found him,i had him,i grateful i said what i had to say to him and for the beautiful times and i know that it doesnt end here and will make him proud and let him know everyday i love him and only him.

 

link removed

 

this guys webpage kind of touched me and lifted me up alot-lemme know what u think

[mellybelly]

how beautiful....

 

it definitely was touching.

 

we are definitely not alone in the fact that this happens to many...losing your soulmate....BUT i feel so alone. no one can fill this gap....i just got really angry...as i'm in my room looking around, there are so many sweet reminders....he was the most thoughtful person i have ever known, and treated me like a princess...always surprising me with little things to make me happy...not that either of us are materialistic souls, it was just that he was always thinking of me....

i have this little card laying on my dresser...it's a gift card for free gelato icecream...we wnt to this gelato shop together a few weeks back, probably a month now...but after we ordered our gelatos, he went back up and i had no clue what he was doing, and he is buying this gift card for gelato...and i got very curious, i was saying, "who are you buying that for??" (i'm thinking maybe his mom, because he is a sweety like that...but also still kind of wondering...) and he just smiles and won't tell me....and then when we leave i see that the little envelope is addressed to me, and he said,"silly, it's for you! you were getting upset wondering who it was for...and it's for you!" i just laughed and told him he was bad and the sweetest boy in the world....i told him i would use it with him...and he said, "no, it's just for you and someone else of your choice, when you're not with me and you are thinking of me! it's for you to enjoy...i always want for you to enjoy..."

 

so there it is laying on my dresser, scrawled in his cute boy writing "to Penelope" (a nic name he had for me...) "from michael".......

 

and so many other sweet sweet reminders that make me cry so much....

 

i too, am so grateful for our time together...for finding eachother....but it's still not fair....how is that some people are destined for such simple beautiful lives...and others are destined for experiencing such excruciating pain? i don't understand....and i know so much beauty has arisen out of people's pain...it develops our character....but i just wish life could be simpler. i wish we could have continued on in our little dream world together until we were old loony goofs still dancing together when there was no music playing....

i wish, i wish, i wish...........

[Dagless]

I remember I would pace round the room like a caged tiger not knowing what to do with myself. I would walk the street just to do something. Some nights I would need to hold her so bad that all I could do is lie on the floor of my bedroom hold her pyjamas and cry my heart out.

There is only one thing you can do with the pain and that is to feel it. Feel it for what it is, love turned inside-out.

I think all you can do is get through the days and sometimes that means just getting through the hours and minutes.

I spent sometime gathering quotes, speeches and lyrics to help me make some sense of what I was going through and I got some comfort too.

 

I always think like this "If you can't let it in then you have to let it out". I used this place to post my feelings and thoughts as a way of getting it out and just knowing that people can make some sense and understand what you are going through really helped me alot.

[krystallion]

i know i try to figure it out -why -and it's the same exact thing we were supposed to grow old togather and be goofballs he was the biggest goof-every little thing reminds me of him-even brushing my teeth-we would play this game-toothbrush wars-we'd make faces at eachother and try to make eachother spit our toothpaste out laughing-everything litterally everything i see is him, everything i do and i keep reading his poems over and over-i'm getting them tattoo'd on me i figure if i can't have him or feel him at least i can have his words and feeel his words on me and he was so thoughtful too-always made sure i had my favorite cookies wherever went-just the little things-and i can't understand anything- everthing was so beauitful-i just dont understand. and dagless i do the same thing- i pace and pace and go in circles-literally-until i find myself laying against the door crying to him to just come home-and i walk too-i aimlessly walk not stoping or thinking of where i'm going just going just moving.and it's so hard to be strong but i have to be for my daughter but theres times i just cant hold it in any longer-we were a small family just getting started-we had so much-i wake out of my sleep still reaching for him, i still look at my phone every few minutes waiting for his texts-just out of habbit and i can still hear his voice. i dont understand and i dont know what's supposed to happen-what happens?? and people say you go on with your life but how how do you go on as if he's not gone-he's gone-he's friggin gone and i dont know how to bring him back i have to bring him back-and i keep playing his videos we made and replaying our memories in my head-and i feel the same-alone-like no one around me understands this pain,this longing,lonliness like noone else but you can imagine. and the only things that keeps me holding my pieces togather is talking on here and laying down and just visualizing him and his vioce,his touch and knowing that he has to be here if was to be anywhere it's be with the one he loved and longed for too right?

 

one guy i didnt even know came up to me and was the only one to tell me this-to be happy because he's in his glory-80 days here is 1 there and the best day here is like the worst day there-and just that this is glory for him-it's hard to believe right now but maybe

[krystallion]

helps me believe that Billy's soul and mine WILL be reunited

 

 

So God created man in His image. In the image of God, He created him. Male and female He created them. (Genesis 1:27)

 

Adam was a hermaphrodite? Well, sort of. When God created Adam in his original form, He created Adam and Eve as one entity. They were one soul. At this point Adam and Eve (Chava in Hebrew) were getting along pretty well. Later God did something that made possible the first argument over a toothpaste cap. God split Adam, taking one of his sides, and formed Eve as a separate entity, or so it seems.

 

The mystical sources say that each one of us is but one half of a complete soul. Where's the other half? You guessed it, with your soulmate. Just like Adam and Eve, you and your soulmate were spiritually once united. When you finally find each other, it's going to be something of a reunion.

 

What all this means, among other things, is the following:

 

 

According to the Torah marriage is not just a partnership, a friendship, or a great way to save long term on your tax returns, it's much more. Marriage is the bonding of two people into one entity. It's like two bodies sharing one soul.

 

 

You can access your full potential in this world by bonding with the other half of your soul. Your destiny and your spouse's destiny are woven together. In fact, they are inseparable and so the two of you should be as well.

 

Which leads us to the next point. Why would God go through all the trouble of dividing this soul in half, so to speak, just so the two halves can reunite again?

 

The answer is that it is through the incredible growth that comes with a healthy marriage that you are able to accomplish much more than if you were never separated.

[Dagless]

"I believe that love is the only emotion that reaches through your conscious, your subconscious, right down to your very soul. I believe that there is a point when love stops being an emotion altogether and become a state of being. That’s way love can hurts so much sometimes because it’s not something you can just switch on/off. I believe that love is the very thing that bonds us all together. The stronger the love, the stronger the bond. Unbreakable, even in death love lives on."

 

There is so much in life that is unknown and I do think that a lot depends on what you believe in.

I'm not as bold to say what happens to us after we die, I have my beliefs too but what I do know is this; your memories and your love for him will stay with you in your heart forever.

[mellybelly]

I do believe that I will be reunited with Michael, too.

it's just hard, i do find myself questioning...i've been researching a lot about the afterlife...because i still worry about him, want him to be okay, and have to believe that his presense, his soul, is eternal. i do believe. but, there are so many questions in this life, so much that we as humans just don't have nearly a tenth of the understanding of...

it drives me crazy.

 

I remember having a conversation about death with michael...we pretty much talked about anything and everything, and he told me, "You are going to be afraid when you are dying at first...but not me! Death is going to be a pychedelic journey..." hah. And at the time he was right, the thought of death did make me uncomfortable, somewhat scared, i love to know tha ti have some sense of control of what's happening to me, and the thought of going through something where we just don't know the full outcome...it did scare me. but, i'm not afraid anymore. My biggest fear, losing the one i loved so much (even though before, i didn't even realize or contemplate this fear...we just take so much for granted.) has come true. how can you be that afraid after your biggest fear has been thrown in your face? i'm not afraid anymore. and i think this may be some sort of strength i will have gained by this...but it is one i wish i didn't have to have gained due to the experience it was brought on by. i know that the love we experienced wil forever have us bonded...it was like we were fused together...and that is what makes this so painful...i feel like a part of myself has died. it's almost as if i have died too in a way, but i am stuck here on this plane....the whole caged tiger analogy, dagless, i completely relate. i feel like i'm stuck in a prison.

 

chrys,

thank you for posting some of what you have found...i definitely agree with you about soulmates. we are at least lucky that we found ours, and were able to have been loved in the deepest way that only a soulmate can love.

 

last night was hard. i went with my mom and sisters to get coffee, to get out of the house....and normally with them, we just go to starbucks...but my mom declared, "i wish there was somewhere else we could go, i don't even like their coffee." well i happen to know of many coffee places that are local, due to the fact that my boyfriend was a barista(a truly tale nted one who loved the art of making coffee..) and those are the only places we went...so i took them to one we went recently that was nearby. and i was happy to share it with them...but it was so hard. i have been avoiding lots of places where we used to go right now...and then going to a few...but it's hard.so i was just really sad being there without him. and i'm just thinking to myself, am i going to be one of those people you see out, and you just wonder, "what happened to them??" because they are obviously so very sad? i have always been a very bubbly person, spreading light and love...and i feel like it is going to be so hard to get that back...if ever.

 

i haven't gone back to work yet, but am starting to get pressure from my parents who i'm living with right now. my dad tells me that i have to get back into my life......but my so called life has been shattered...and i barely have energy to pick up the pieces....

 

i miss him so much.

[tiredofvampires]

I echo Dagless in the personal sentiment of mystery where it comes to what happens to us in the hereafter, as well as the plans and designs of God.

 

I do believe that however one defines their beliefs specifically -- and I think it's a great strength to have a sense of Divine Presense, of God, even in the face of such loss, and not to let go of that even though your soul is tested -- there is a unifying principal in any matter of spiritual understanding.

 

That unifying principle is so very simple, and elemental -- but we are here to reflect divine forces through our mortal humanity. We are here to be a mirror of something more supreme and undying. Something that is like a well that never goes dry, that is always there for the taking. The love that courses through us, I believe, is the experience we have of cupping our hands into that immortal well, receiving that water, lifting it to our lips, tasting it, and imbibing it. It nourishes and feeds our every cell. So water feeds cells, love feeds the soul, and without it, we would perish.

 

Every single day that's available to us if our heart remains open to this nourishment.

 

I believe that's why even though someone we love may not be here anymore, they still can feed and nourish our lives every day. Every time you think of your beloved, every time something reminds you of him, you dip your hands into that well of pure and radiant water, for a sip. That never changes. It was the well you drank from when you met him; when you knew him; when you loved him; and now, when you remember him and all these experiences you had with him come alive again.

 

Since you are talking about a few Hebrew references, krsytallion, there is also a Jewish parable that the more a vessel is hollowed out by the potter -- the greater it is carved out inside -- the more it can and will contain.

[tiredofvampires]

it was like we were fused together...and that is what makes this so painful...i feel like a part of myself has died. it's almost as if i have died too in a way, but i am stuck here on this plane...

 

Melly, I believe that the reason you feel like this is that a part of you HAS died. The part of you that was fused with him, that was you-and-him, not just you -- has undergone a complete transformation. Yes, that part is gone, in the way you knew it. And that is just the most awfully painful thing!! The realization, as unreal as it can seem when you just had it days, weeks or months ago, that in fact, that intertwinement of your bodies and voices and worldly experiences has died to the future as we live here day to day. This is the core of grief, from my experiences -- though I haven't lost anyone the way you have. What I do know is that it can cause such a feeling of being trapped in oneself, boxed in in aloness itself. People can hold your hand, but you are missing the one that held your soul, and now holding it by yourself seems unbearable, I know. Suddenly, no other human being feels close enough to take away the grief of this aloness. I think the hardest part of grieving is facing the death of a dream, the part of us that we gave to them. In fact, part of you went along with him, so yes, it IS a piece of you that is forever missing, like a body part almost! The ache is that empty place where he meshed with you and you were one.

 

Don't try to fill that hole, that dead place inside you right now, because there is a time to just feel angry, sad, and heartbroken that it has to be. This is your time to feel just how much he was to you, how much he was a part of you, and to feel the magnitude of that. I know it hurts beyond anything, but it's also true that this giant hole or "dead spot" is a wound...and wounds do find a way with nature's help, to heal. You will never be the same, no -- that part that is now missing and gone will still be infused with him. Even though it feels like a cavern right now, an aching gash, it is still his place, where he belongs within you, and while it feels he's been ripped out of if now, that place will always hold him...and as you continue to go through the many emotions of sorrow and loss and reclaiming him to be with you in a different way, you'll find this emptiness growing a new set of connections, just as a tree uprooted and replanted begins to grow new roots in a new place.

 

As for your father saying you have to get back into your life, he doesn't quite understand what is needed here. I would try to get some literature to him about grieving -- you are not even a month into this process, which is barely enough to get your head around the fact that he's gone. I HIGHLY suggest that you talk to a grief counsellor at your local hospice. These people are trained in bereavement, and they will understand that this is way too soon for you to go back to work, in most people's cases. Perhaps they can give you some literature, or even better, have a chat with your parents. I don't know if they are the kind to support you in emotional ways to this extent, but I hope they are! Maybe you can all have a bit of a heart-to-heart (after you speak to the counsellor on your own first) so that they are on the same page as you and not pressuring you. That's the last thing you need now. People who try to go back to "life as normal" when they haven't gotten a little more strong inside after such a loss are at risk for even greater emotional breakdown later. Better to deal with it now, without rushing anything, if you can afford to.

[Dagless]

I when down the pub a couple of times just to get out the house and be around other people I guess. Once I sat there in the corner just quietly crying. To be honest I made me miss her even more, having the empty seat next to me.

 

Don't let anyone pressure you in to going back to work, you have to do it when you are ready to. It's crazy to think that after only ten days I went back to work. That first day was really difficult but I just couldn't sit round the house any longer.

 

Don't worry about getting back to the person you were before, all that will come in time. It's hard do describe that empty feeling inside, like that something is missing or lost. It was only much later did I think about it as if something inside me had died but I think that it to severe of a word but it is as if something has to grow back inside of you and it takes time.

[mellybelly]

today has been a relatively good day for me...my older sister has come into town, whom i absolutely love....but now it is 2:35 AM and I can't sleep, and I feel horribly anxious....i feel like i am crawling in my skin....lonely nights are the worst. i want to be with michael so badly. as the days go on, and it really hasn't even been that many yet, it is becoming more and more real, and something that i really have to accept, that yes, this is my reality, michael no longer exists with me on this plane.......and it is so hard....i find myself gasping for air at some points when it just hits me so violently. i have to distract myself...but it's always just there, it's just written all over me. i'm just embedded with this sorrow...i needed him in my life, and now i'm left alone to pick up the pieces...and i know that i have a huge support group...but it doesn't change how i feel spiritually and mentally....i feel trapped. this night is hard....this life is hard. : (

[stella74]

Take one day at a time. Some days will be okay and some days will seem too painful to get through. The acceptance of what has happened will come and go. I'm glad you're with your sister now. May you find comfort in your grief.

[redrose85]

Both of you, I'm so sorry for your losses. You two are living my worst nightmare right now, and I'm not even going to pretend to understand what you're going through. Just reading the posts from everyone is making my chest ache. I wish both of you peace, and eventually, acceptance. Melly- just from reading your posts, I'm confident that you'll get the sparkle back into your eyes, and you will be able to spread light and love again. I don't think you have anything to worry about in that respect. Don't be afraid to take plenty of time to heal, and don't let anyone pressure you into moving too fast when you're not ready yet.

[raining.stars]

Hi melly belly

Im so sorry for your loss. I too know how you feel as my soulmate died 8 months ago at only 25. Those first few months are the worst, not that it gets easier but you can deal with the pain a lot better. Sometimes it doesnt even feel as if 8 months has passed like it happened yesterdy and sometimes im still in denial and think when i wake up it never happened.

 

I think it is important to let everything out, and do things in your own time, I think this is the hardest most exhausting thing you will ever have to do. You will feel every emotion 1000 times and the pain can be so overwhelming that you think you will die. As time goes by you realise that you are still living you dont know how because it feels as if your heart has exploded. YOu pray to god to let you be with the one person you love more than anyone else, but it doesnt happen and you will cry so much that you can make your own river.. Then as acceptance creeps in you realise your loved one lived their life to the fullest, this life is short and temporary so they would want you to do the same with your life, live like they lived, every moment. we will have to live with the loss for the rest of our lives, there will be moments when you are right back where you started and you think there is no way you can go on, but you do somehow. but they are there every step of the way loving you and you will beable to feel their presense.

 

I too read a lot of books on the afterlife and I believe that we both found our soulmates and are lucky because some people never experience true love in this liife. I think everyone is here for a reason and we are here on earth to learn and the afterlife is our "real life". And unfortunately we had to learn the lesson of loss this time around, but we also learnt the lesson of love. So for every tragedy there is a miracle. sorrow and love are one. The more love you feel the more sorrow you will feel too. I think nothing in this world is permanent you can lose anything and everything physical in the blink of an eye, but true love is never lost.

Im here for you any time if you need to message me, you are not alone we are all here on this earth to help one another

[tiredofvampires]

So for every tragedy there is a miracle. sorrow and love are one. The more love you feel the more sorrow you will feel too. I think nothing in this world is permanent you can lose anything and everything physical in the blink of an eye, but true love is never lost.

Im here for you any time if you need to message me, you are not alone we are all here on this earth to help one another

 

This gave me goosebumps.

 

I believe it, too. All of it, with all my heart.

 

You're right, and thank you for some powerful words of truth.

[mellybelly]

thank you for your kind words civil,

I loved the poem.

[baby_etnie]

hi, its about 2 am in canada where i live and i came accross your post. i know you feel like you were alone when your boyfriend died, but you werent i live in canada..winnipeg to be exact and on august 3rd my boyfriend died.

To be honest with you i google searched "my boyfriend died" i didnt even know what else to type but i just wanted to see if anyone out there could honestly feel at all how i feel..even in the slightest have any clue what im going through and then i found you..and your boyfriend and my heart breaks for you because my heart is broken for myself and were literally going through this day by day at the same time.

My boyfriend's name was Martyn..their initials were almost identical actually michaels were mjs and Martyns were mjh....but we were together for 2 years and moved in 11 days after we met..i had met my soulmate to..just like you. He had bought my engagement ring and i had to pick it up on august 6th..bymyself....it was like..my boyfriend being murdered wasnt enough you know? I had to go pick up an engagement ring and imagine how he would have looked on one knee..or how many roses he would have given me..because i dont know..martyn was killed by 5 17yr old guys we didnt know walking down the beach...he was jumped and his head hit the concrete he died almost instantly...i dont know how michael died but believe me i know how your life is right now..and how scared you are because of what your mind is telling you to do.

Martyn and I had just bought our first real place together and we moved in July 23..we were in university togther just how you and michael were pursuing your careers together...god i just it hurts so bad hey... ...i know ive kind of babbled but i just..i didnt think i would find someone with your story..and the day..i hope your doing ok..i know your not..because im not but i hope to hear back from you...maybe we can help each other (p.s i have angel wings on my back to..but yours are cuter)

[kuiks8]

I am so sorry for your loss, i can't imagine how hard this must be for you.

[mellybelly]

hello love,

 

I'm so sorry you have endured the gut wrenching pain of losing your soulmate as well...my heart is broken for you too. i'm glad you could find that you're not alone from reading my post....august 3rd...doesn't it seem crazy? I can't believe that soon, it will be 2 months without my love. lately i feel as if i am displacing what actually happened, i still can't believe it. i never will be able to fully accept it...

 

I would love to talk to you more girl. I feel for you so much...

 

Will message you more when I have some more time to write. Hold on as best you can...it's all we can do...and you know they would want us to be okay. I'm so sorry for you!!!

 

sending lots of love,

melly

[Johnathan]

I just found this thread for the 1st time. I don't know what to say...I'm so saddened to hear of this, and humbled as well...my heart goes out to you guys. I hope you're doing well. You're honestly a hero to all of us who can't imagine having to endure that kind of loss. My thoughts and prayers are with you guys and all the others who've had their lives turned upside down like this.

[CallingAllAngels]

Melly,

 

When I was just 19, I lost my love. He committed suicide. He was 20 years old.

 

That was 23 years ago, and I will never forget how I felt. Your post brought back so many memories, especially "how dare the sun shine?"

 

My heart goes out to you as I know your pain. I have seen pictures of the two of you in the photo thread.

 

Nothing I can say will take away your pain. Just hang in there and know that while time does not heal all wounds, it does CHANGE them.

 

May Michael rest in peace, and may you find some comfort.

 

Godspeed...

 

~Allie

[nelina250]

Dear, girls i am really sorry for your losts! I am from Bulgaria so I am sorry for my English.My boyfriend died on 13th of September at the age of 25. He had leukemia for four months. I was next to him all these days till the end. And it was awful what happened to him. We thouht that we will get through this battle but we couldn't. We were together for 6 years...Everything i am is thanks to him. He was my best friend and soulmate, he was smart and handsome. I really don't know what to do without him, I am nothing without him. I don't believe in God aymore, because no one can explain to me what is this logic to took away only people that matters, only good people that have never hurt anyone, religious people I don't understand...Everyone say to me Now you are living two lives...but I don't want to live even one life...My heart is broken. If I have just one more day, just to hug and kiss him, and to tell him HOW MUCH I LOVE HIM....but this is not possible. No one deserve this, no one..

[thejigsup]

I have never had a bf die, but from the age of 12 (when my father died in front of me) until now, my life has been one painful loss after another. It never stops. It doesn't devestate me like it used to because a very kind, religious, man once told me that we are put on earth to learn lessons and one important one we have ot learn is how to let go. He said God made everyone and everything in this world temporary, so...we can either be miserable for the rest of our lives or take comfort in the fact that everyone will go through this and it is normal. I know this is not much comfort to you now, as it wasn't when I was younger, but as the years went by I began to see the wisdom in his words. Everything is temporary except love, that never dies.

[catia]

It happened the same to me, last May, we had the same dreams, he was an artist, a great artist with only 22 years old and the biggest heart I've ever meet. We were always together, always, it just felt right, and it was supposed to be for life... that's what we wanted. he was my strengh, he was my lover, he was mine and I was his... and he died, just like that in front of me, he fainted, I hold him and ... that was it. after that, ambulance, hospital, and I never believed he could die because we were supposed to be together. he was a rocker, smoked and liked his beer, so did I and I'm still here. and it is cruel, horrible to think I have to live without him. empty, alone, that's how I feel. we used to sing out loud that song "lonely day" (System of a down) and now I'm here, and he's not... hard to accept, I still don't accept what happened. How do we get through this?