How do I make everything ok again?

[Larayn]

Hi Everyone

 

4½ years ago I had just been dumped by my ex-boyfriend who had cheated on me and I was home on vacation feeling hurt and angry. So I went out with my friends to get drunk and one thing let to another and I ended up going home with one of my friends... We had sex, but it was awfull, and by the time I got clear in my head I packed my things and went home...

 

We never spoke of it! I only mentioned to a couple of my girlfriends as a "Oh you know what I once did when I was drunk"-story...And it was never weird or akward, because it was basically forgotten.

 

But of course I didn't forget it...

And now 4½ year later I have a problem.

I now have the most amazing boyfriend ever and I love him so much!

And he has of course met this friend of mine - and they like eachothers company, when we are all together, but everytime I feel so guilty that I haven't told my boyfriend about what happened...but I keep thinking that it would do more damage than good...

But then a couple of days ago, I don't know what happened, but I decided to never keep secrets or lie to him and then I had to tell him!

It was probably stupid and if I could take it back I probably would!

Because to see his face when I said broke my heart - he looked choked and so sad! But he took ok, he kept saying that he would be ok, it would just take time... And everything has been pretty normal - exept when we had sex yesterday and afterwards he seemed distant and quited and asked if everything was ok and he said that he was trying to not get pictures in his head....This hurt more than anything, and I don't know what to do - I can't go back and change it...How do you make it all better?Is time all there is or?

 

I allways knew it was a mistake, but I figured it was a mistake I could live with! I never imagined that so many years after it would cause this much pain...

[BeStrongBeHappy]

I don't understand why you feel bad about anything at all (nor why your boyfriend does). So you had sex with someone else over 4 years ago. That is history and no big deal.

 

Why are you or he even upset about this at all? Almost everyone has had sex with someone else in their past, and at least one one night stand is usual too...

[Batya33]

Yes, I agree. Be careful about your motivation of "no secrets or lies" so, if you thought your boyfriend looked fat in what he was wearing would you tell him that just because it popped into your head? Being honest doesn't require letting it all hang out with your partner - you have to balance it with tact and think of whether your openness will unnecessarily hurt him. Be careful about unburdening guilt onto someone else in the name of "not having secrets". Almost all couples maintain certain privacies from their partners - that's called "healthy."

 

I don't think your actions in having a one night stand were a big deal and it was years ago, not when you were with your bf. Hopefully he will realize that too. Was there a part of you that wanted to sabotage the relationship?

[Larayn]

ok..maybe I didn't make myself clear!

 

The problem is not that I had a one night stand, but that I had sex with someone I/we still hang out with! Now when we see him I know by boyfriend will think of that and I will think of him thinking of that!

 

And no of coarse I'm not ruthles honest, but my last relationship was so filled with lies (not the "Oh no you don't look fat in those pants"-lie, but the "yes I kind of slept with your best friend"-lies) and i really want this relationship to work! I love and all I want is to be with him!

[Batya33]

Yes, all I am saying is to balance honesty and tact- just because your last relationship was full of lies doesn't mean you have to go to another extreme.

 

Yes, I think it will be difficult for your bf to deal with seeing this guy and having these images in his head of you naked with the guy. I know I would. Obviously you felt that the benefits to telling him - unburdening your guilt, revealing "secrets" was worth the downside - at least at the time. We all make mistakes.

 

Carly Simon has a great song about the pitfalls of telling a lover all your secrets - I think the refrain is "we have no secrets."

[Supa_gurl]

I think you may feel like a weight was lifted off your shoulders for telling him, but it is a catch 22. All it is going to take is time. Reiterate to your boyfriend that you were a silly teenager, it was a drunken night, no feelings, no attachments. He should be able to get past it I would hope.

[Applewhite]

I think this is very weird. I don't understand why you are feeling bad about it, if you never felt bad about this before your new guy ever showed up. I don't understand why you told him (perhaps neither does he) and I don't understand why he is upset over it. Are you sure you (perhaps you both) are not creating unnecessary drama subconsciously? I know you don't like seeing him sad with a knot in his throat thinking about it, but deep inside maybe you kind of actually ... do like it?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I can understand why you told him...since lots of people in the circle already know, at some point it might come out. Better that he learns from you not from someone else. I can understand not saying anything if you two barely have contact, but since your boyfriend likes this guy's company I think it was only fair that everything was out in the open. If he didn't know then he would be the only person who was not aware of this "secret" and that wouldn't be fair to the boyfriend to be the only person not in the know. If your boyfriend really cares about you, he will get past this. It was only one night, not a continuous FWB. He is just shocked right now. Give it some time. I applaud you for being honest with him..I think that took a lot of courage. I don't think keeping that a secret would have been very good in the long run since this guy is a fixture in the circle of friends.

[Catdancer]

Did you tell your bf how awful it was and that it was a huge mistake? I can see how hanging out with someone you once slept with would be weird for him. But it would be helpful if you told him how much the other guy sucked, and that there was no enjoyment, just drunken groping that led to you grabbing your clothes and leaving.

 

I dont know why, but hearing that the past lover sucked is a sigh of relief for the new lover. Put yourself in his shoes...what would make you feel better?