What do guys think about being asked out by women?

[Batya33]

Well put especially about the balance between showing interest and pursuing and the avoidance of games in the process. It's true of my experience and that of at least hundreds of women and men over the last 20 plus years that I know, have known, etc (and in case things have changed I am talking now about women 25 and up although I hear from my teenage/early 20s relatives that it's still the same, but that's anecdotal only).

[shyguy1]

No but you can say "massive generalization". I'm sorry you feel that way - obviously some women, some men, some girls, some boys, behave in this way but I completely disagree with your extremes.

 

Generalization? Perhaps... massive one?

 

Not even close... sorry but that's the way I feel and no one could ever make me feel differently.

 

I'm willing to bet if a person took a random poll, the vast majority of women would admit to enjoying the type of games that I mentioned in my previous post.

 

You hear about women playing hard to get all the time.. and enjoying it.

 

If something like that's not considered a game, I would like to know what it is.

 

edit:

 

and just to get it out there.... I see nothing wrong with the male doing most of the initiating, I just wish more females would understand that guys are sometimes shy among other things and don't want to do that.

 

Also for the record..... if a girl were to ask me out, it's not like I would then expect her to do all the work... I would help plan dates.. I would make phone calls... etc etc etc.

 

It's just for those of us who aren't good at picking up the silly 'signs' that most girls tend to utilize... being initially asked out directly would really help out greatly... It's just the initial asking that would make all the difference.

 

If anyone feels me using the term signs is another generalization, then fair enough... but again in my personal experience girls do more often than not utilize subtle signs that some guys can pick up on.. others can't.

 

To paraphrase superfreak... I don't like the chase.

 

The whole idea of chasing stinks... I get no thrill from it and I have no desire to ever do it.

 

If a woman... 'any' woman who's even remotely attractive could be more up front with me... to where I wouldn't have to chase as much.. I would love it.

 

Of course even though I don't want to think of it, perhaps the reason I've never noticed the signs of an interested girl.. is because quite simply put there isn't an interested girl.

 

Talk about a downer, but a distinct possibility all the same.

[Batya33]

I don't consider asking someone out on a date chasing the person. I think women and men should develop and foster women-male friendships as much as possible and also show interest if there is romantic interest. I think men should do more of the asking out and calling in the very beginning, which to me is not chasing in the least especially when the woman shows interest.

 

I don't care about "polls" - I go with my significant firsthand collective life experience. It's much easier for someone like you to choose to be negative because then you don't have to put yourself out there as I have and many have, many times.

 

My bf was extremely shy when we first met many years ago - and even so he managed to ask me out on a date. If he hadn't we would never have dated because we worked for the same company at the time and it wouldn't have occurred to me to consider that he was interested in me in that way and even if it did I wouldn't have gone for it. Of course, I didn't show strong signs of interest either because we were colleagues. That's one example of many - very often shy men have been attracted to me and have asked me out and I've seen the same among my friends. I understand it is not the easiest thing to ask someone out (I've done it but didn't always find it that difficult).

 

I've seen many of your throw in the towel threads but I hope that approach will become threadbare soon, pun intended and that you'll choose a different, more positive approach.

[Kyoshiro Ogari]

I say ask away. If you like them, go for it. The gender shouldn't matter at all.

[shyguy1]

Batya.... we will have to agree to disagree on the matter.

 

I noticed you never touched base about playing "hard to get" and whether it not that would be considered a game.

 

Fair enough... but I still maintain that it is indeed a game and that a rather large percentage of women like to play it.

 

Also why don't women make their interest more obvious? Perhaps a guy asking a woman out isn't chasing (though again if the woman's playing hard to get.. I would argue that it is in fact chasing)

 

Your part about your boyfriend asking you out is a cute little story.

 

However if I can nitpick a few points you made.

 

While I think it's great that many shy guys have asked you out, that's not necessarily a fair representation of all shy guys.

 

Shyness comes in different levels and what's extremely shy for one person.. can't even begin to touch another person's level of shyness.

 

You also mention that it's not the easiest thing to ask someone out... and I of all people would certainly agree about that.

 

Why then in terms of asking someone out, should the pressure nearly always be placed on the male's shoulders? How's that even remotely fair?

 

You yourself say that while you've asked guys out, that you still remain of the opinion that the male should do most of the asking out and calling.. at least initially.

 

Yeah there's exceptions, but more often than not the male is indeed expected to put 'his' ego on the line and put 'his' fear of rejection on the line and finally put 'his' emotions on the line and do the asking out.

 

I guess part of me is simply frustrated because you among others always mention showing interest toward males. This would be a lot easier for overly shy guys like myself and I would likely even be in full acceptance that I need to ask a woman out, if said signs of interest were ever shown my way.... I think that while I still wouldn't be thrilled with the whole idea, that I would ultimately in fact ask the woman out.

 

It's led me to one of two conclusions:

 

Either

 

A: I'm just really really.... and I stress the really bad at picking up said interest.

 

or

 

B: Other than the girl I dated for a year way back in High School, there's never been any interest shown my way. That's a sobering possibility, but I wouldn't be doing myself any favors if I acted like it wasn't perhaps true..

 

You and others can say that's being negative, but I say one of the two is simply put fact, there's no other possible scenario here.

 

Either A: or B: simply has to be accurate.

[DaBladeRoden]

I think there were at least a couple women who were interested in me, until they got to know me better.

[shyguy1]

I think there were at least a couple women who were interested in me, until they got to know me better.

 

I'm 50-50 on this.

 

I can think of examples where girls 'may' (I'm no where near certain) have shown interest in me... but if it were indeed the case... much like with you they lost interest once they got to know me.

 

I'm also 50-50 on whether or not I'm willing to change myself and compromise who I am as a person.. be fake if you will, if it means the possibility of meeting women more successfully.

 

To be fair I can think of one girl who showed interest in me for a good four or five year span certain mutual friends even called it an obsession... finally ceasing a couple years back.

 

While this is going to come accross as cruel and non politically correct to some, this girl was a 'big' girl... a good 150 plus pounds overweight and mostly due to that there was no attraction on my end and really what's the point if there's no mutual attraction? Sorry if that sounds harsh to some... but everyone has likes and dislikes.... and while her weight wasn't entirely her fault (at least partially based on genes) it was a deal breaker for me.

 

That's the only example that I can come up with of no doubt attraction and interest shown my way, but since it wasn't returned on my end I choose not to count it in the grand scheme of things.

[Batya33]

"Fair enough... but I still maintain that it is indeed a game and that a rather large percentage of women like to play it."

 

Yes, I would assume that is true of the women you know. Not the women I know and have known.

 

""Also why don't women make their interest more obvious? Perhaps a guy asking a woman out isn't chasing (though again if the woman's playing hard to get.. I would argue that it is in fact chasing) "

 

I made my interest obvious when necessary. Much of the time men had no problem approaching me and asking me out. I can see why because, neither did I when the roles were reversed (approaching men and asking a man out). Even shy men. I had no problem approaching men and showing interest, just saying it often wasn't necessary.

 

 

 

"While I think it's great that many shy guys have asked you out, that's not necessarily a fair representation of all shy guys.

 

Shyness comes in different levels and what's extremely shy for one person.. can't even begin to touch another person's level of shyness."

 

Never said it was, was just stating a fact. I wouldn't be compatible with an extremely shy person because even if I asked him out the first time I doubt we would have compatible social skills or that he would be willing to step up to the plate, ask me out, get to know me, be reasonably comfortable around my friends, family, colleagues - reasonably is all i ask for - if he wouldn't because of his extreme shyness then we likely wouldn't be a good match romantically.

 

"You also mention that it's not the easiest thing to ask someone out... and I of all people would certainly agree about that.

 

Why then in terms of asking someone out, should the pressure nearly always be placed on the male's shoulders? How's that even remotely fair?"

 

Because I don't think it's a big deal - it's not the easiest thing but life has many things that aren't easy but we have to do them to reach our goals. In my vast experience (collective vast experience) it's not effective for a woman to do more of the asking in the beginning unless her goal is just a few dates or a fling.

 

"You yourself say that while you've asked guys out, that you still remain of the opinion that the male should do most of the asking out and calling.. at least initially.

 

Yeah there's exceptions, but more often than not the male is indeed expected to put 'his' ego on the line and put 'his' fear of rejection on the line and finally put 'his' emotions on the line and do the asking out. "

 

I always put my ego on the line when getting to know someone - just in a different way. I don't think asking someone out for dinner requires the herculean emotional effort you describe.

 

"I guess part of me is simply frustrated because you among others always mention showing interest toward males. This would be a lot easier for overly shy guys like myself and I would likely even be in full acceptance that I need to ask a woman out, if said signs of interest were ever shown my way.... I think that while I still wouldn't be thrilled with the whole idea, that I would ultimately in fact ask the woman out."

 

I completely agree that a woman should show interest in a man she wants to date, whether by approaching him or keeping up her part of the conversation, flirting if appropriate, etc.

 

It's led me to one of two conclusions:

 

Either

 

A: I'm just really really.... and I stress the really bad at picking up said interest.

 

or

 

B: Other than the girl I dated for a year way back in High School, there's never been any interest shown my way. That's a sobering possibility, but I wouldn't be doing myself any favors if I acted like it wasn't perhaps true..

 

You and others can say that's being negative, but I say one of the two is simply put fact, there's no other possible scenario here.

 

Either A: or B: simply has to be accurate.

 

All that means is that you have work to do. I was shy until I was a teenager (and what changed all that was my high school boyfriend who taught me how to dance, got me out of my shell, got me socially involved with a really good crowd, so many thanks to him). I did the work then, I continued to do the work on my social skills throughout my 20s, early 30s - with great success. As I got even older (I am now 42) I continue to work on my communication and social skills, at being a good friend, a good partner to my SO -- all the time. It can be really humbling at times. You can make this choice too.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

it's not effective for a woman to do more of the asking in the beginning unless her goal is just a few dates or a fling.

 

Totally disagree with this major generalization. I am with shyguy on the asking out business. A man of quality would not be turned off by a woman asking him out...would view the woman according to her personality and would not use her to get laid or for a few dates. It depends on how the woman asks the guy...if she is serious-minded, not a flake and clearly a nuts and bolts type person who is not giving off come-hither signals, then I doubt very much the guy would be turned off and think it was just an easy lay. Many men who ask women out and pursue the women, are in fact looking for an easy lay...a few dates, bed and goodbye. It is on case by case basis...and I would never discourage a woman from asking out a man she is interested in...if the guy is quality and interested, he wouldn't look down on her as not relationship material...that's very "me tarzan, you Jane" type thinking.

[Batya33]

It's not always a turn off- it's often just a feeling of discomfort, of getting the wind knocked out of his sails - not the extreme of tarzan/jane. As I wrote many times, it doesn't really matter who asks on the first date. I never said he would think of her as easy, either, I simply said he likely would not choose her to be a serious girlfriend - there's a lot in between - casual dating, etc. I think it can be very effective if you want to date someone once a week, go to dinner, the theater, whatever, whether sex is involved or not. but not for a long term serious relationship.

 

My "massive generalization" is based on hundreds - perhaps thousands of collective experiences (mine and others) over decades including now, with men ages 25 -45 mostly but not all. Sure there may be exceptions but if someone asks me how to effectively find a serious relationship I advise her not to risk doing more of the asking in the beginning and that if the man is sincerely interested and available to date (and especially if she shows sincere interest) he will ask her out on a proper date he plans in advance.

 

Of course some men ask out women for sex - that's irrelevant to my point - I never said that all men who ask a woman out are serious-minded - I simply said that if the woman does more of the asking, the man likely won't choose her to be his serious girlfriend.

 

Oh and it's also effective if the woman is looking for an insecure man she can control or a man who is generally passive. Nothing wrong with that, just wouldn't be for me or anyone I know.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

^^^^I am just curious as to how you have managed to rack up 100's and 1000's of collective experiences in which you base your information? I also have no idea how you can speak for all men and claim that if a woman asks him out thereforee he would likely not consider her as a serious girlfriend.... that is kind of like saying if a woman passes by a shoe store she is likely to go in and buy a pair of shoes because the 100's of your circle of female friends and acquaintances do that.

[Batya33]

Nope -not saying that at all - you continue to take my posts to extremes. I said there were exceptions but when I am asked what is the best path to finding a serious relationship I based it on what is in general not some exceptions.

 

How have I managed to have all these collective experiences? I know many many people, I live in a major city, people regularly open up to me and talk to me especially about dating, I've dated a lot, I've had many male friends, acquaintances, colleagues, I've asked men out, and it's consistent also with everything I've read and heard. Still I am not saying it's true of all men but even if you look at this forum, you see again and again that it is ineffective to ask men out (at least, more than once), with the only thing in favor seeming to be that men are "flattered" by it. That is likely true, but that's probably not going to lead to "so would you like to meet my parents this weekend now that we're getting serious?"

 

And once again you continue to misstate what I wrote. I don't think it much matters who asks who out first (all else being equal, better idea to let the man do that) - I am talking about who does more of the asking and calling in the beginning stages of dating. And that is if the couple in question are over 25 or so and if the woman is not looking for a man she can control or who is very passive.

 

And I know of only one long term happy serious relationship where the woman did more of the asking - and it was so unusual that a major newspaper reported on it last year.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

it is ineffective to ask men out (at least, more than once),

 

I agree that if the man doesn't reciprocate after the woman has asked him out once, then it is no point asking him again..I agree that the man should show interest and intiate the next date. I am thinking more of the woman asking for the first date as an ice breaker in case the guy is shy or is not sure how the woman feels etc. Once the ice is broken, however, the guy needs to show interest and take the initiative.

[Batya33]

I agree that if the man doesn't reciprocate after the woman has asked him out once, then it is no point asking him again..I agree that the man should show interest and intiate the next date. I am thinking more of the woman asking for the first date as an ice breaker in case the guy is shy or is not sure how the woman feels etc. Once the ice is broken, however, the guy needs to show interest and take the initiative.

 

I think that's fine - it would be too extreme of me to say that never works - many shy guys asked me out - probably because I was good at showing interest.

[Batya33]

That's great but you wrote that you are not looking for a serious, long term relationship, right? I think it can work great if you're not. I also agree that it doesn't matter much who asks the first time.

[Batya33]

^^^^I am just curious as to how you have managed to rack up 100's and 1000's of collective experiences in which you base your information? I also have no idea how you can speak for all men and claim that if a woman asks him out thereforee he would likely not consider her as a serious girlfriend.... that is kind of like saying if a woman passes by a shoe store she is likely to go in and buy a pair of shoes because the 100's of your circle of female friends and acquaintances do that.

 

I never ever said I could speak for all men - in fact I wrote the opposite, many times. How? I live and grew up in a major city teeming with singles, I've always had an active social life, I dated well over a hundred men, I have and have had hundreds of male and female acquaintances, friends and colleagues over the years and people tend to confide in me very quickly especially about relationships and dating - there are people who stay in touch with me - often men - just to get my input on dating. These people range in age from mid-late 20s-40s and some older and some younger.

 

I also never said that if a woman asks a man out he won't choose her as his girlfriend. I wrote that if the woman does more of the calling and asking in the beginning he most likely will not - that is very different from what you wrote. In general, I think it's better if the woman lets the man ask for the first date but it doesn't much matter.

 

I also think it doesn't apply at all to a man who is very passive in general (not just about women) but I have met and heard of very few women who would be happy in a relationship like that - if a woman would be then yes it could work great for her.

 

I'll add that I found it interesting that it made a major newspaper a few years ago when a woman wrote about how she did most of the asking out of her now husband and how it worked for her -- I would think that for that to make a major newspaper as a feature in the Sunday papers then it must be quite unusual for that approach to be effective. That is the only happy long term relationship I've heard of where the woman did most of the asking and calling in the beginning.

[midnightrambler]

i would prefer a woman to ask me out SuzyQQ

[Jason_H]

We're all different. Some guys really prefer to do the asking and are turned off by women to approach them. However, I prefer being asked out because it's flattering and takes the pressure off me.

[Batya33]

I have no idea what wanting a serious relationship has to do with it! I don't want a marriage again and that's not the same at all. Why would a man look at me differently because I asked him out? Oh yes, I am not a quivering, mindless airhead female whose only words are YAY YAY YAY or LOL LOL LOL, is that what I'm supposed to believe by your reply?

 

There are confident self-assured men out there who do not need an imbecile on their arms to feel important. They actually want a woman of equal standing who they can stand beside, not in front, not behind, but beside.

 

Not what I meant in the least. I simply have observed that if a woman wants a serious relationship with a man it is more effective if, when it comes to asking out on dates and calling that she let the man do more of the asking and planning in the beginning -- obviously she should show interest and initiate in other ways. Asking out is only one of several ways of showing romantic interest. I find that confident, self assured men, as well as shy men, feel more comfortable when they do more of the asking out than the woman in the beginning - not because they want a submissive woman or an "airhead" as you described but because when it comes to asking out for dates, they prefer to be the one initiating the asking out.

 

I allowed my SO to be the one to do more of the calling and asking before we were "steady" and he considers me an equal and that role made him comfortable and happy. Perfectly consistent, in my opinion. That's how it's worked for me in all my serious relationships and for most of my adult life I've been a financially independent person with a successful career and darn proud of it - but I don't feel the need to prove that by being "equal" when it comes to asking men out on dates since even if I had "proven" it would not have been an effective way to find a serious, long term relationship.

 

If a woman is looking for someone to date casually, or for a fling, then it doesn't much matter who does the asking, but most men in my experience will not choose for a serious long term relationship a woman who does more or most of the asking out in the beginning.

 

I don't go into analyzing why that is and certainly it would be easier (on me at least) had it been different (since I never had a problem asking men out, it just wasn't effective for my goals), I am just observing. I don't think there's anything wrong with a woman asking out a man or doing most of the asking - certainly most men are flattered by that (even if they don't ultimately choose to get serious with that woman) I am just commenting on what is effective if a woman is looking for a serious relationship. That's all I meant.

[Lightspeed]

I personally have no problem asking a guy out to have another drink with me after we spoke for a while and I asked the questions that are a no-go for me. If he already passed the first test, but the initial attraction may not be there, I call him and ask him out to a game or for a drink. No pressure, no promises, but a great way to evaluate a potential partner. So If he wants to come out and have a drink or come out to a game there's no commitment, no relationship, just a drink or two, and perhaps great hockey, depending on the vibe. If he's a go I'll be attracted to him and want to go out again and I'll let him know that I expect to get a call. If not, no big deal. If he calls me I can say it just doesn't look like it's going to work out, or I can accept.

 

It's that simple. Dating is simple. Connecting is difficult if it's not there.

[Comatose]

How do guys feel about being asked out by a woman?

 

This guy thinks it's pretty sexy.

[ShyQuincy]

I would love to be asked out by a female, even if it was someone whom I normally may not be attracted too, just never know what could come out of it. Go for it.