What do guys think about being asked out by women?

[SuzieQQ]

Hi, I am recently single again after 2 and 1/2 years. He was the first guy I dated since becoming a single mother and we knew eachother from way back.

Anyway, there are a few potential guys I am attracted to, one at work - he is only a consultant, and one at my health club. I am assuming that both of these guys think I am married, since at work I have pictures of my son plastered all over my desk, and I always bring my son to the gym. I haven't had much interaction with either of these guys. I figured I would have to asked them out. How do guys feel about being asked out by a woman? Will I look desperate or something?

[Batya33]

Not a guy but I'm near your age. My collective experience (mine, people I know and know of, ages 25-45 and up) has been that guys typically are flattered by being asked out but in general they will not choose as their serious girlfriends the woman who does more of the asking in the beginning - although they might say yes the first few times or be interested in a fling. First date doesn't matter so much but typically it's more effective to let the man ask you out while you show interest and enthusiasm.

 

I've asked out men several times. I was nervous but it was really no big deal. Would have done it far more if I found it to be an effective way to find a serious relationship.

[redhearts]

So is a guy asking a girl out desperate? No. Its just human nature, that means your a confident woman! Go for it.

[Clementine orange]

Go for it, fortune favours the brave!

[DaBladeRoden]

It's the quickest and surest way for me to find out a woman's interested in me, so I say it's a good thing.

[bijoux27]

I asked out my SO. Though, I knew he was very interested..it was just due to timing that I was the one who asked him out.

 

I still think men should do a bit more of the pursuing though, it's not solely about who asks out who, that's just the technical part of it. Men like to know they've won something...

[bikerc4]

go for it why not

[annie24]

well, i vote against dating the guy at work, that can just be a mess anyways.

 

instead of asking these guys out, what about just going over and chatting with them a bit? like asking the guy at the gym to show you how to use a machine. or if you see a shirt saying "University of Michigan" stike up a conversation with him about that, ask if he went to school there, etc..... maybe do a bit of flirting with them first. if they say something like, 'yeah, going to pick my gf up after work....' then you've saved yourself some embarrassement.

[lostandhurt]

I am close to your age and will enter the dating world someday again. It has been 20 years since I was single and I am not looking forward to the asking someone out thing. There are two ways to handle this, 1. Chat them up a lot and make it easier for them to ask you out, or 2. Go up to them and ask their name and see if they would like to go for some coffe or whatever seems the thing to ask. Women are a lot more aggressive than when I was single, which keeps my hopes up that love will give me a second chance one day....

 

lost

[annie24]

i've noticed that men seem to like it when women they like ask them out, but not so much when women they aren't into ask them out (women they deem too ugly, too old, too big to date).

[Day_Walker]

I think that no matter who asks who out the person is taking a chance because they are doing the initiating. You should get an indication of which if any of the guys are interested in you before you ask any of them out. If you ask a person out blindly then you are taking a very big risk, as this might just blindside him. If them seem interested in you then ask them out and if not then dont.

[Batya33]

I think the woman often initiates by showing interest, even though the man does the asking out, so both are taking initiation type risks.

[SuzieQQ]

Thanks for all the replies.

 

The guy at my work is only temporary so I don't think it would be an issue if we dated. The guy at my gym, I know he is single because I saw his profile on Match. I am not a member of match, I was just looking. Maybe if I join match I could write to him. Also, my brother goes to the same gym and I have seen him talk to this guy a few times. I was thinking about asking my brother to feel him out although I know he will be reluctant to get involved.

 

I will try to initiate more conversation will both of them to see what kind of response I get. In the end, though unless I come out and say that I am single, they might think I am in a relationship since I have a small child.

 

Even if I did the initial asking, after that I would totally leave it up to them. I know that men like to play the role of the persuer.

[annie24]

you could set up a link removed profile and send the guy a 'wink' or something. good luck!

[MD Geist]

Depends on who is it.

[Clarity]

i've noticed that men seem to like it when women they like ask them out, but not so much when women they aren't into ask them out (women they deem too ugly, too old, too big to date).

 

Couldn't that be said for either gender?

[Manco]

i've noticed that men seem to like it when women they like ask them out, but not so much when women they aren't into ask them out (women they deem too ugly, too old, too big to date).

 

Correct.

 

The same goes for women. They seem to respond well to guys they are interested in.

[bertdru]

I would love it! Unfortunately it never happens

 

There are so many lonely guys out there who would yearn for this.

[Batya33]

I would love it! Unfortunately it never happens

 

There are so many lonely guys out there who would yearn for this.

 

Yes, that is a typical response because obviously it's flattering but in reality, if it happened where the woman asked you out on a date, chances are high that you would not be motivated - or lose a lot of motivation - to pursue her.And certainly if she did more of the calling or asking in the beginning chances are you'd be scratching your head wondering why being flattered by the attention didn't inspire you to get to know her better and date her. Obviously there must be exceptions - I don't say "all" but I know of no happy, healthy long term relationships where the woman did more of the asking in the beginning.

 

On the other hand, if the woman shows active interest - starts a conversation, tells you what she loves to do socially/activities, flirts with you, then the risk of you being rejected if you ask her out goes way down. No need to be lonely just because it works better if you do the asking (even if she puts in more of the effort to get to know you -- all you need to do is follow up and close the deal - and since I've done that, several times, and survived quite nicely despite some rejection, it doesn't need to be such a big deal).

 

I don't even think active interest on the woman's part is necessary to inspire a man to ask a woman out - not to the extent I described - but if there is a man who is ultra shy/insecure, it can help. Obviously there comes a point where the person is so desperately insecure that he probably needs to work on that before being ready to date, such that even if the woman did more of the asking, he wouldn't be emotionally ready to form a healthy romantic relationship. But I think those are more the exceptions.

[Clarity]

I think the problem these days is that not just the asking out, but the starting of the conversation, etc. is thought to be completely the man's responsibility. It's so rare that I meet a woman who initiates conversation - why should they, they all seem convinced that all that work should be upon the man...

[CharlesF]

Personally, I would rather ask a girl out than be asked out. Guys are supposed to be more in charge of stuff like this. I would recommend talking to these guys quite a bit so they know you are not married. Don't worry about initiating the conversation. Then drop some hints about going out.

[Batya33]

I think the problem these days is that not just the asking out, but the starting of the conversation, etc. is thought to be completely the man's responsibility. It's so rare that I meet a woman who initiates conversation - why should they, they all seem convinced that all that work should be upon the man...

 

Not this woman, not any of my friends. I've regularly initiated conversations with men - I've worked closely with men over the past 15 years, being good friends with men for decades, men like women are just people to me who I start conversations with if I find the person interesting in some way. I do think the man should do more of the asking in the beginning - which is only part of the work, not all the work or effort by far.

 

Perhaps you're meeting women in contexts where they are not used to associating with men in daily life or somehow extremely sheltered from the world. What you wrote sounds very unusual and strange to me.

[Clarity]

Not this woman, not any of my friends. I've regularly initiated conversations with men - I've worked closely with men over the past 15 years, being good friends with men for decades, men like women are just people to me who I start conversations with if I find the person interesting in some way. I do think the man should do more of the asking in the beginning - which is only part of the work, not all the work or effort by far.

 

Perhaps you're meeting women in contexts where they are not used to associating with men in daily life or somehow extremely sheltered from the world. What you wrote sounds very unusual and strange to me.

 

I think there's an age gap between us which would explain this. Women your age are much less naive, pretentious, they've been through the process, so to speak. Women/girls in the age group I'm eligibile for (early to mid 20's) are a completely different animal, in my experience.

[Batya33]

I think there's an age gap between us which would explain this. Women your age are much less naive, pretentious, they've been through the process, so to speak. Women/girls in the age group I'm eligibile for (early to mid 20's) are a completely different animal, in my experience.

 

I'm talking about women from their mid 20s to 40s and up. Those are my friends, acquaintances, colleagues. And those of my friends in my 40s were like this 15-20 years ago too. And not all have been through "the process" as you say as you're ignoring people who were married for 10-15 years plus and are now in the dating game after a long hiatus. I think it probably has more to do with where you're meeting women that is feeding your mindset.

[shikashika]

batya, I know you and I disagree on a number of things, but this is one thing we have always agreed on.

 

women can show they are interested, but it never works out when the woman does the asking.. successful relationships work when the guy does teh asking. This isn't to say that the woman sits back and makes the man do everything, but intially, the guy should ask, if the woman wants this to work out.

 

If the guy is interested, he can ask.. and if he can't, who wants a guy that doesn't have the balls to saym "I like coffe. Do you? Let's go."

 

 

I know a lot of people say, "Women can do anything, ra ra ra, be confident and ask him out yada yada"

 

Nothing at wrong with being confident and going for what you want in your schooling or in your career, but I don't think it works the same in a relationship.

 

I started seeing someone recently, and I let him subtly know that I was interested, but he did all the initiating.

 

Even the shyest of shyest of guys will find a way to ask you out if he wants to.

 

I've said this before on this forum, but there is something about the "Me Man Me hunt woman!" that makes it work.

 

If a woman does do the pursuing, the relationship will always end up with her doing the work.... or the guy may be flattered that she asked him out.. (of course they would be, who doesn't like their ego stroked?) but I dont' think it will work long term if the woman is interested, the guys isn't as much and the woman does the asking.