My Brother vs. Me

[pacodemil]

It would seem that me and my brother have had issues for quite awhile. We have never hated each other I guess....but at the same time we resent each other. When I was growing up my brother was the poster child in our house. First born and a jr. of a jr. it was kind of hard to get out of his shadow. I never really cared but my parents always made a habit of pointing out that he did things better than me. We fought constantly but we shared a room for many years because we had no choice. We had many what I would call major battles. When I was thirteen he threw me head first into the bed post. I still have a bit of a bump where I hit. When I was fourteen he made me mad so I laid him out with a golf club. When he was eighteen and I was seventeen We got in a really big fight while my parents were at the hospital visitng our grandfather. I broke his nose and finger and he bruised four of my ribs. We found out later that night from my father that our grandfather had died while we were making asses out of ourselves. It has occurred to me lately that I have never been able to get out from behind that shadow of my brother. To this day my parents still comment about how I should be more like my brother. It doesnt bother me like it used to but from time to time i get a little pissed. He is 30 and I am 29. I am a federal correctional officer in a family of NY state troopers. My brother happens to be a trooper so he's better than me for that. His kids get more attention from my parents and are invited to their house more often. His wife is a pain pill addicted slob who refuses to work or watch their kids or do anything for that matter but she is my brothers wife so she is perfect in myparents eyes. His house is 3600 square feet and mine is only 1800 so he calls me and asks me how my trailer is. It's a 2 story fu##ing house not a trailer. Any ways I'm rambling it's just that I don't get it. When did life become a competition. Last weekend we were at a party for my parents and we started playing mercy just to see who was better. We both ended up with two broken fingers and still we kept going. I guess my question is this... Is this normal or do me and my brother have more serious issues?

[soul_soother]

Well maybe you should think about telling them, or move. I was the last born trying to follow up my two older siblings, 4.0's all throughout college while I had a 1.3 gpa in high school. Everything they were spoiled to the bone. I wasn't even given money for school clothes or supplies, how * * * * ty is that. Trust me I've been put in the shadow even by all the teachers I had, "be more like your olders". My brother feels like he is the master of english and he constantly corrects my speech because he doesn't like how I said something. All kinds of sick retarded stuff, so I just got sick of them and my parents and during a family gathering I told all of them how sick of their crap I was, and yelled till I was tired and everyone just felt "wowed" and I picked up all my stuff and left the state. My mom is the only one I'll talk to, maybe you should practice tough love. Next time he asks about your trailer, ask about his slobby pain pill poppin wife? lol I'm not sure thats a great idea but, I'm into revenge?

[pacodemil]

I've tried that. I moved away for 5 years didnt really talk to any of them that much then I come back and it's back to the same crap. I guess I should just continue to pretty much not have anything to do with that brother and just not care what my parents ahve to say. It's gotten me this far.

[soul_soother]

I have found out that being laid back and a smart ass towards those kind of remarks makes them kind of pissed off. Every time my parents say something about how they did something great I usually say something like ohh wow thats amazing and incredible from them, I am so amazed. And then when they bring up something that I know they aren't good at I'll bring that up too just to get back like "hmm funny they couldn't do this" or "funny he went to college and he's 66 grand in dept now, bet he's great friends with the IRS". I don't know I guess I'm immature about it, but only because they are like that. And if you don't say something to your parents they will always say that kind of stuff, I told them if they say that kind of stuff it goes back to NC... I would just move man tell your brother to leave u alone

[Kalika]

Honestly it sounds like you feed the frenzy.. I mean, why play mercy with him - to the point where you're breaking bones - just to prove a point?

 

Obviously he knows it bothers you, or else he wouldn't get his jollies by calling your house a trailer.... It just sounds like you're making it worse honestly.... Just ignore it and be happy and move on.

 

And next time he wants to make himself feel better by competing with you, politely excuse yourself from the situation ...

[pacodemil]

I guess you all make very interesting points. The problem is that I do come from a tight nit family in a small community and I hate to let my brother dictate how I live my life. It happens all the time. If there is a family event he is the first one that they bend the schedule for if he is working or has something going on. If I am working no one even notices if I am not there. It is bothersome and for the longest time I thought maybe it was in my head until other people started mentioning it to me. I guess I probably shouldnt feed into my brother when he wants a challenge but I have never backed down from him in my life and probably never will. That's the one thing I have on the rest of them, I dont give up and I always keep on trudging on. I guess I will try some of the suggestions and see if they help but it has been 30 years of this so I doubt it will change over night.

[mintblossom]

Unfortunately, parents and siblings don't change unless they want to. It sounds like you have a tougher job than your brother since correctional officers have to deal with a lot. I think since your parents always compared you to your brother, they set up unhealthy dynamics that have been played out ever since.

 

It could be your brother is jealous. If I were tied down at 30 with a lazy wife and kids, I would be extremely unhappy with all that burden.

[pacodemil]

I appreciate the insight that everyone has offered me. I agree with all of you. I just wish it didnt have to be this way because it is my family but I guess it's true what they say about not being able to pick your family but you can pick your friends. The thing that bothers me the absolute most about this whole situation is that whenever my parents need something done or need a favor they ask me because they no that I am more dependable than my brother and his wife yet they still cater to his every whim.

[mintblossom]

I'm the black sheep of the family, but I'm also the one that tries to make everyone feel better, who's there for my parents, and who tries to pacify them and make them happy.

 

It's a dual role.