Wife no longer has feelings for me... Separation

[obsesor]

I think the way you are feeling now is because you wife feels that way. What i mean is that when me and my wife were having problems i started to give up as well because i felt she didnt care. In order to get through this you have to be strong for the BOTH of you. I know that will be hard but from my experience if either I or my wife could have stepped up for each other we would still be together. I hope that makes sense...

 

Make sure you guys get that couseling!

 

We went last week and both have separate appointments for this week and next.. its just the time in between that's hard.

[omartin]

ugh, I feel like im losing hope, and losing the will to fight. I dont know what to do. I dont want to separate, we have 2 young kids.

 

Yes, this is a very bad place to be. I think ultimately you will have to respect the fact that she wants space. However, she needs to understand and respect the fact that you want to stay together. I Personally believe that seperation may make it worse then again can staying together make it worse? Who knows. I hope that odyssess suggestion can help you.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

You know, she sounds quite immature and selfish to tell you she is numb to you and probably wants a divorce, then expect you to keep having sex with her like she hasn't delivered a deeply wounding blow.

 

I would also be careful to make sure she isn't going for another pregnancy so that she gets more child support, gets to keep your new house and be perfectly happy taking your money with an unchanged life while booting you out on your ear.

 

You should actually be feeling some anger about this, because she is perfectly happy to disrupt your whole life while she gets to pick and choose what part of you she wants around (your money and attention while she gets to skip off like a teenager).

 

She needs to really experience what divorce will mean for her. In fact, she needs to fully understand that it means you will have to sell the new house since you can't support two full households including a new expensive house, and that she will need to start looking for a job and what she will do to support herself once her temporary alimony payments end. She won't get alimony for more than a couple years, no matter what she thinks.

 

In fact, I'd be tempted to tell her you intend to move into the new house when it is finished (until you can sell it), and she gets to keep living with her parents. You will also take half the furnishings, half the assets, and a car, since you are entitled to them and need to live. See what she says then, and if she expects to move into that house and take everything and have you pay for it, it's time for some reality therapy for her.

 

You need to fight for yourself here, not just your marriage, in case she does decide to dump you permanently. You will need a future, and assets to support yourself and any new family you form with another woman, so don't give everything away to someone who has so unkindly booted you out and seems to be quite jolly about that, just because you are hoping she'll change her mind.

 

Recognize that she is NOT behaving 'well' here, in fact she sounds like a spoiled selfish girl who is treating marriage very lightly and doesn't 'get' that you have feelings and shouldn't be jerked around based on her whim. Recognize that in her, consult an attorney, and have a Plan B in place in case she doesn't get back with you. Don't let her jerk you around, because you did nothing wrong and she's the one who is willing to disrupt everyeone's lives on a whim.

 

And i think a huge part of the problem is she thinks she can have her cake and eat it too (and she's smiling like the Cheshire cat over that one). Let her feel the consequences of her own behavior and choices, and don't buffer her from reality or she has no incentive to take you back and treat you well.

[omartin]

OMG! OMG! Sounds like you described my STBX wife to the letter. This is exactly why i fight so much in court. I believe my stbx stop trying to work on our marriage because she knew how much child support she would be getting from me. She wanted her cake so she can eat it too: Me out of her life and she gets the money and she gets to date like a little teenager!

 

I still dont think the original poster has gotten to this point yet. It is good to tell him about these things, not to scare him but to let him know what he can be facing if she decides to walk. I would recommend he continue to love on his wife and be patient with her.

[summerpeach]

Familiarity breeds either contempt, or indifference, or both. It's not you. It's not her. It's circumstance. This is something that all couples face, and something that few couples survive. Most are unable to change the dynamics of their relationship sufficiently enough to allow it to thrive again.

 

.

 

some of the best advice I never read on here

[obsesor]

some of the best advice I never read on here

 

Im not sure what that advice is saying to do??

[Odysseus]

Im not sure what that advice is saying to do??

 

Actually, I think that people change. Change is inevitable. Sometimes in a marriage, if there is good communication throughout the marriage, each one is able to deal with these changes in their spouses in little micro bursts and maybe learn to deal with them better and decide under good conditions if their marriage is bringing them what they need in a relationship.

 

I think what happens a lot is that couples DON'T have an honest, respectful marriage with open communications for whatever reasons. The "changes" build up on either side and the couple starts to diverge (sometimes for YEARS, like me and my wife). Then one, or the other, melts down, and all this comes into the relationship like a flood. Some couples drown, other's end up on either side of the river and walk away. A few actually end up together in the end.

[omartin]

Actually, I think that people change. Change is inevitable. Sometimes in a marriage, if there is good communication throughout the marriage, each one is able to deal with these changes in their spouses in little micro bursts and maybe learn to deal with them better and decide under good conditions if their marriage is bringing them what they need in a relationship.

 

I think what happens a lot is that couples DON'T have an honest, respectful marriage with open communications for whatever reasons. The "changes" build up on either side and the couple starts to diverge (sometimes for YEARS, like me and my wife). Then one, or the other, melts down, and all this comes into the relationship like a flood. Some couples drown, other's end up on either side of the river and walk away. A few actually end up together in the end.

 

 

Yes, me and my wife drowned. Try not to let it happen to you.

[Odysseus]

Yes, me and my wife drowned. Try not to let it happen to you.

 

I'm sorry to hear that. Drowning is certainly the least favorable of the outcomes I suggested, but all too true for some couples.

 

Peace and happiness omartin.

[Odysseus]

I think what's even sadder about drowning, (a really good metaphor I think) is that the couples that drown under these conditions...are...basically pulling each other under because one or both of them don't know how to swim. I felt this way.

 

I've been survival mode for a while I think...and we tend to forget about everyone but ourselves when this is happening.

[obsesor]

I think i made a mistake.

 

My wife was a virgin when we met, well long story short, i let her have a one time encounter with another man because she has been having fantasies of being with another man for awhile now. I think i was hoping she wouldnt do it because she realized she loved me. but she did and it really doesnt seem to have helped anything. I just am at a loss for what to do.......... she still wants her space, still feels like she cant be around me.. i feel like i do everything for her and keep getting walked on. bah i wish i could stop. but i do love her. she says she loves me but the other day at the mall she said she was uncomfortable even holding my hand.

 

bleh, i dont know.

[Odysseus]

I think i made a mistake.

 

My wife was a virgin when we met, well long story short, i let her have a one time encounter with another man because she has been having fantasies of being with another man for awhile now. I think i was hoping she wouldnt do it because she realized she loved me. but she did and it really doesnt seem to have helped anything. I just am at a loss for what to do.......... she still wants her space, still feels like she cant be around me.. i feel like i do everything for her and keep getting walked on. bah i wish i could stop. but i do love her. she says she loves me but the other day at the mall she said she was uncomfortable even holding my hand.

 

bleh, i dont know.

 

Ouch. How long ago did this encounter happen?

[obsesor]

This past Sunday.

[obsesor]

And now of course everytime i bring it up, its "throwing it in her face."

[Odysseus]

This past Sunday.

 

Oh man. I wasn't sure what to think of some of the other posts, but, you seem to worship this woman. You deserve better.

[obsesor]

But shes made me feel like im the one who has wronged her. I feel like i owe her.

 

i wonder if she knows what she did was illegal in the state of NC.

[Budman]

See personally obsessor,

 

I see things this way.

 

You changed everything about yourself for her.

 

(I'm a man of the Lord (or at least try to be)) but I still disagree that if you don't want to go to church she should not be mad.

 

Also, she wanted to have sex with someone else outside of marriage, what kind of religion do you follow especially since you allowed it.

 

I would never (nor would I do it either) Allow my wife to sleep with someone else while we are married and me be ok with it.

 

If she cheats on me it's over. Same is true for me, and we both know that.

 

Anyway,

 

I wouldn't exactly disagree with moving 3,000 miles away as my wife moved a hour away from her parents to live with me. However, an hour is completely differnet in my book.

 

Basically, it seems as if she gets control of you, control of what you do, and I don't see you standing up for yourself, personally I don't.

 

Say, No sex, no kissing, no this no that, if she wants to separate it's done.

 

Divorcing/seperating from someone takes away the right for sex, good night kisses, and support really.

 

A lot of men support their wives while they are that are divorcing them "That's ok honey, It'll be alright, I understand" That's complete and utter bull crap. When someone tells me that they're leaving, I won't be mean outright, but you better believe I'm not supporting emotionally at least.

 

My Conversation (Hopefully it never happens).

 

Her: I think I want some space, but I'm so confused.

Me: Well, I'll pack my things.

Her: Don't you want to talk about it?

Me: Yes, I do, but at the same time my priorities must shift to me, and my child. You're outside of my domain at this point. You want space/seperation, that's what you get. If you choose to not have me as a husband, that's what you get.

 

Yes, it may seem mean, but honestly if someone tells you "they are not sure about you" you have to be sure about you. You can't fix someone's feelings, you can't make them do something they don't want to do. You can hope they fix it, but you have to take control of what you can.

 

Control your life, and your actions it's all you can really do.

[omartin]

I wouldnt try to use the fact she sleep with another man in court. Sounds like you encouraged it.

 

I agree a lot with what budman is saying, however, I think that with that kind of attitude he would be nailing the coffin shut for his marriage. I had the same attitude and now i dont see my son everyday. I have to pay an outrageous amount of money to someone who abandoned me when i needed her the most in my life. She points the finger and blames me for everything when it takes two to make the marriage work (or not work)

 

I would encourage the original poster to work hard at keeping his marriage together. At least if it ends he knows he gave it everything he had. Which can give him some peace of mind if it doesnt work out.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

So you're letting her go off and be a teenager and date other men with your permission?

 

You're entering doormat territory here... don't be a fool and a willing cuckhold... how is 'letting' her sleep with some other guy while playing ' i don' want to hold your hand' games with her improve your marriage? It doesn't.

 

You need to insist she attend marriage counseling wth you now before this is beyond saving.

[obsesor]

Yea was a stupid decision i suppose. we have been to counseling once already, and have separate appt for this week and next.

[obsesor]

Im going to try to go NC with her, even though we live in the same house and have 2 kids together.

[omartin]

Im going to try to go NC with her, even though we live in the same house and have 2 kids together.

 

My personal opinion, because of my experience, is that is a bad idea. I am a naturally quiet person and when i get upset i get even more silent. It drove my stbx further away than she already was. I think NC is ok when you are not living in the same house. The kids will see this as well.

 

I know how you feel. I know it is hard. I think the key to this is to show love to your wife. I would hate to see another family tore apart like mine...

 

Just my opinion....

[John Bendix]

omartin makes a great point.

 

Though my situation was to the extreme, I was told (by the counselor, therapists, doctors and friends who had a similiar experience) to give her her space. So I did. I did not ask her about the marriage, relationship, where she was or what she was doing. She still filed w/o me knowing she had an attorney. She might have taken it as I did not care but that was far from the truth. She knew I wanted to discuss things with her but she could not so I let her be.

 

In retrospect, I could have talked to her in a normal conversational way as nothing was going on. I find this very hard to do but maybe the only way to deal with someone that is making her decisions through pain and anger. Things probably would have turned out the same way.

 

After she moved out, N/C seemed to be the only recourse I had for myself. She was probably better at it than me.

 

JN

[obsesor]

so my wife claims she has no one to talk to and created a completely new email address and created an ad on craigslist in los angeles for a platonic relationship in women seeking men. here is what it says.

 

 

 

To me it reads like she is trying to find more than someone to just talk to about her problems, and the fact that she set it up in such a secret setting doesnt sit well with me either. and why post in "w4m" wouldnt a woman be just as capable if not better to understand her situation and sympathize to her needs than a man?

 

Am i completely off base in feeling hurt again by this?

[ImThatGirl]

Whew....

 

She seems very, very odd..... hhhmmmmmm

 

I agree you have the right to be hurt and uncomfortable by this. But - she considers herself separated from you and obviously has no regard for you or your feelings.