omartin Posted August 22, 2008 Share Posted August 22, 2008 You have every right to be hurt. It seems she has made you the enemy and she is the victim. Her mind set is decribed perfectly in the book i am reading called: " when you cant say I forgive you". Instead on focusing on forgiving you and restoring your relationship she is taking the "easy" road of getting attention from another man. I dont know what to say except if she doesnt know you know of this ad then i would play it by talking to her more and showing her the attention she is after by trying to meet someone else. I dont know though. This seems just as screwed up as my situation was... Link to comment
Odysseus Posted August 22, 2008 Share Posted August 22, 2008 Is she depressed? Has she been evaluated at all for mental distress or substance abuse? Something doesn't seem quite right here. Link to comment
obsesor Posted August 22, 2008 Author Share Posted August 22, 2008 she goes Thursday to get anti-depressant medicine. She told me last night about the ad, after she posted it. but the wording and private nature is what bothered me. Link to comment
Odysseus Posted August 23, 2008 Share Posted August 23, 2008 Maybe, just maybe, if she has been diagnosed with depression, this will help. Take it from me, depression will make people do things and act ways you just can't believe. (I was one of them). Link to comment
shemojo Posted August 23, 2008 Share Posted August 23, 2008 Unfortunately, you cant' go back and change things. If she's numb and through, it is her feelings that needs to resolve for herself. Once you are out of love, no matter what the reason, it can never be the same. Not knowing your whole story, but knowing you've already been through some couples therapy, leads me to believe the signs were there, and you did not see them. When you land in therapy, it's a clear sign things are heading south. It's hard with kids, but also hard on you as you got stuck in a situation where you are living with her family and now she is tossing you out = a very awkward situation. That she did this under these circumstances makes me wonder if fidelity is an issue, or if she feels you wont' argue in front of her parents of her demands to get out. That out of the blue her feeling seems to change, then it maybe she is already looking ahead at where she wants to be or perhaps with whom she wants to be. In any case, sudden changes can be interpreted to mean a lot of things, including infidelity. Get a lawyer, you wont regret it, and document everything regarding the divorce as her initiative. She may seem kind to you now, and may say she does not want anything from you, but that all can change. Who knows what she is not disclosing to you. You may still love her and think highly of her, and feel that there is hope to reconcile, but look at things from a pragmatic viewpoint right now, and say very little to her. Bargaining to give her everything and anything is the wrong direction. Your emotions are running high, so all the more reason to be practical. Ask yourself: are you able to afford a place on your own and give up half or more of your income? The legal system is set up for her taking your income. Too often I've heard the same saga: X husbands get tossed out wife is taking half of his income, as result he can hardly make ends meet, his life is ruined by woman who just want to stay at home raise kids and have someone else (out of the picture) paying for it all, with no intention of getting themselves a job to make ends meet. Truly that's a worse case scenario, but can and does happen. I'd love for once to see a man and woman divorce on truly amenable terms. Unfortunately, the courts favor the laws, which typically reside in favor of the woman, particularly where kids are involved. Take a deep breath and start making pans for you and your life. Best of luck to you. I know too many men who are struggling in life due to bad divorces. I hope your goes well. Link to comment
John Bendix Posted August 23, 2008 Share Posted August 23, 2008 Shemojo posts, "Unfortunately, you cant' go back and change things. If she's numb and through, it is her feelings that needs to resolve for herself. Once you are out of love, no matter what the reason, it can never be the same. Not knowing your whole story, but knowing you've already been through some couples therapy, leads me to believe the signs were there, and you did not see them. When you land in therapy, it's a clear sign things are heading south." I'm sorry but I cannot agree with some of these statements. Love is as fleeting an emotion as any other. Even people in 50 year relationship fall in and out of love. Sometimes the love can can be stronger later on. If you have gone to couples therapy, I do not see how you missed any signs. And if you go to couples therapy this shows that the relationship is going south? I think that would be a rational reason to go to therapy. I think it is sign that people are trying to reunite and figure out their problems in a rational way. "Depression causes divorce as often as divorce causes depression". This statement is quoted all the time and has a lot of truth behind it. Seeing that your partner is getting on some form of anti-depressents is good. Now combine with individual and couples therapy, and your chances of reuniting with her just multiplied. Link to comment
obsesor Posted August 23, 2008 Author Share Posted August 23, 2008 Well unfortunately she gave me the final word today, its over. thanks to everyone for your support, but now my life is f***** Link to comment
avman Posted August 23, 2008 Share Posted August 23, 2008 I'm sorry to hear that. But it's not going to be this way forever. Take it one step at a time and you will get through this. Link to comment
omartin Posted August 24, 2008 Share Posted August 24, 2008 Well unfortunately she gave me the final word today, its over. thanks to everyone for your support, but now my life is f***** I admit that the road starts to get rougher. But we as men have to just continue to move on and live life to the fullest. You never know you may meet someone who will love and appreciate you the way you should. Just focus on yourself and your kids now. Good luck. We are going to need it.... Link to comment
obsesor Posted August 24, 2008 Author Share Posted August 24, 2008 Thanks guys, I appreciate it. Link to comment
lostandhurt Posted August 26, 2008 Share Posted August 26, 2008 I am very sorry to hear she has given up. Time for you to look out for you and your kids. She is not the same person you once knew and will probably surprise you with some things she will say and do. Keep posting here and reading so you will know what to expect. It will help. lost Link to comment
ImThatGirl Posted August 26, 2008 Share Posted August 26, 2008 I'm sorry to hear..... Hang in there. There is a life beyond this. You will get to see your little ones and be a part of their lives. You will. Not the way you imagined but it's not over. Sending best wishes and hopes your way. And really, do we need to bring out to get you in shape for this? Hang in there... Link to comment
obsesor Posted August 26, 2008 Author Share Posted August 26, 2008 Haha, thanks girl, Froman heals all. Link to comment
Odysseus Posted August 31, 2008 Share Posted August 31, 2008 Haha, thanks girl, Froman heals all. I've been gone this week, and unable to keep up, but hang in there. We care. Link to comment
beeter64 Posted September 5, 2008 Share Posted September 5, 2008 I've been there....very, very painful. Please give her the distance she wants. Contact an attorney and get yourself into counseling. It's going to be really tough but you will get through this! Good luck. Link to comment
obsesor Posted September 8, 2008 Author Share Posted September 8, 2008 First week on my own, moved out last Thursday, spent the day with my kids on Saturday, we shall see. Link to comment
ImThatGirl Posted September 8, 2008 Share Posted September 8, 2008 First week on my own, moved out last Thursday, spent the day with my kids on Saturday, we shall see. How are you doing with it all Obsesor? Did you find a decent place to rent? How are the kids doing? Sending best wishes your way.... Link to comment
obsesor Posted September 8, 2008 Author Share Posted September 8, 2008 I am rooming with a friend of a friend, keep costs down that way. So far so good, she called me this morning to talk about things needed for a legal separation, and that kind of sucked, but i guess thats what needs to happen. Link to comment
ImThatGirl Posted September 8, 2008 Share Posted September 8, 2008 I am rooming with a friend of a friend, keep costs down that way. So far so good, she called me this morning to talk about things needed for a legal separation, and that kind of sucked, but i guess thats what needs to happen. That's great that you are rooming with a friend, no? That way you aren't constantly surrounded by silence suddenly? So what have you decided about the house? Link to comment
obsesor Posted September 8, 2008 Author Share Posted September 8, 2008 We're not going to get it, question is will we get our deposit back? builder is trying to tell us no. but its 10k$ thats a lot of money for us! Link to comment
ImThatGirl Posted September 8, 2008 Share Posted September 8, 2008 We're not going to get it, question is will we get our deposit back? builder is trying to tell us no. but its 10k$ thats a lot of money for us! Ggrrrrrrr! $10k! She could have figured all this out sooner, before you moved accross the country and put $10k down, no? Sorry. Link to comment
obsesor Posted September 8, 2008 Author Share Posted September 8, 2008 yea would have been nice. and i bet the only reason she is even interested now is because she wants and feels entitled to half the down payment. Link to comment
ImThatGirl Posted September 8, 2008 Share Posted September 8, 2008 yea would have been nice. and i bet the only reason she is even interested now is because she wants and feels entitled to half the down payment. How so? Did she pay any part of it? Wow... Some people! I just don't get it! Link to comment
obsesor Posted September 8, 2008 Author Share Posted September 8, 2008 no but we lived in the house together for 5 years so i guess since she stayed home w/ the kids i dont know.. i told her i wanted it to go towards OUR debt. Link to comment
ImThatGirl Posted September 8, 2008 Share Posted September 8, 2008 no but we lived in the house together for 5 years so i guess since she stayed home w/ the kids i dont know.. i told her i wanted it to go towards OUR debt. Should go towards debt for sure. When are you going to see an attorney? Still have the banking account in both of your names? Link to comment
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