After a year my thoughts!

[emalkoc]

Well, it has been a year for me today since I broke up with my ex. I want to give you ENAers a perspective.

 

First 6 months, there were a lot of confusion, hurt etc. whether to do LC vs. NC and try to get back while recovering. Second 6 months with the help of a new city and new gf, relief, new life, new joy and realizing how wrong a relationship it was.

 

Here are my wisdom words:

 

- DO NC...Dont fall into LC trap and be a backup for your ex. Thats mostly they tend to do.

- if not necessary (kids etc.), dont be friends!.

- Go out and force yourself to date.

- Dont talk about your ex to friends and new girls. very unattractive!

- Analyze what went wrong and dont repeat. Dont try to find a same looking or same personalities on new girl. Dont jump into serious RS right after..Dont rebound!

- Dont punish yourself about what went wrong. Even if you were wrong more than 50%, believe me! the other person is as guilty. Sooner or later you will realize. But she will say that you did it..dont get trap into that.

- Take care of your body. Go to gym. Stay away from stress.

- Eat well. Dont stay home and eat junk. Go out with friends and eat out or cook together. very relaxing!

- When you date, dont rush into sex. Enjoy their company and go out movies and activities. Involve in group tours and travels.

- Get yourself a girl buddy For current and future discussions. very helpful.

- Write down on a piece of paper what went wrong and what you want. remind yourself everytime you meet someone new whether they match your list and anything on wrong list resembles old girl.

- Come to ENA and get advice from experienced girls and guys (CAD, Rapunzel, Zorba, and Dave...

- Move on and Dont take ex back! Once is broken, it is meant to be broken. You deserve better.

- You will meet even a better person because you are just grown up even further!

 

Good luck...There will be days down. but there will be light at the end of tunnel no matter what.

 

Cheers

 

Eric

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Words of wisdom. Although I will say the following:

Even if you were wrong more than 50%, believe me! the other person is as guilty

That is not necessarily the case...sometimes the failure of a relationship is indeed down to one person's actions and choices.

 

Move on and Dont take ex back! Once is broken, it is meant to be broken. You deserve better.

 

Sometimes exs can reconcile and build an even stronger relationship. It depends on the two people involved and their commitment to each other.

[spazmy]

Yes folks. I do agree with CAD. And of course I am not saying this because I have frequently found myself in agreement with her but because, there is, strictly speaking some truth to what she is saying.

 

As I elaborate on this, I would like to say the following things. I am not trying to encourage anybody to hold on to or hang on to an ex. By and large, what most people say here is right. Once somebody leaves us and is with somebody else, chances are they are not coming back, or are certainly not coming back to be the same people.

 

That said, as time passes, it is extremely important to understand a few things in life. Firstly, life never follows a formula. And if it does, then that, to a great extent is something that has come out of social mediation. If everybody says that exes never reconcile, for the most part, that small gem of knowledge comes out of a huge social lexicon that is built up and shored up to protect the long term prospects of a grieving dumpee. It is to get them on their feet and bring them back, safe and sane to be socially productive and dare I say "tolerable" individuals.

 

But as pretty much everything else, this belief that "once things are broken, they are broken" must also be taken with a pinch of salt. Yes, there is definitely reason to believe that when trust is broken, when people cheat or when people hurt each other emotionally and/or physically, there is little chance of people ever coming to terms with that trauma.

 

But even so, there are certain matters which cannot be written in stone as such. Sometimes the bond between people is far stronger than they are willing to admit. And this is something that people oftentimes are afraid to admit to, simply because that makes them feel weak, insecure and not so independent.

 

So I would say that a balanced view towards any situation, be it breakups, divorces etc. etc. would amount to looking carefully into not necessarily only what drew people apart, but also what brought them together in the first place.

 

Admittedly, in the early stages of the dumping, one side is doing more such thinking than the other side. But as time passes, I can assure you, that in nine out of ten cases, there is a moment when both sides spend some if not considerable time thinking of just such things. It is here that they are most vulnerable, and it is precisely this thinking that in some (and I would say some not all) cases, a background radio music comprising chiefly of of "if it is broken, it is meant to be broken," "move on, find a new girlfriend/boyfriend," "this too is a stage," etc tries to silence.

 

Basically, what I am saying is, more people advocate people going their separate ways, than staying together than ever before. We all cringe and hurt like crazy over breakups, but we all ultimately try and reinforce the view that when things do not work, a breakup is the right thing to do.

 

While I am not saying that breakups should not happen, what I am saying is that reconciliation is always a distinct possibility if we take a more careful look at the myth that "it takes a new person to get over the old one." While there is an element of truth to this, I would say that a relationship is a rather sacred bond -- and if it is broken, it cannot ever really be replaced. It can only be set aside. Which is precisely why reconciliation is always on the horizon, if and only if, we learn to moderate our own consumption of significant others and stop looking at them like trinkets that can be bought, sold or replaced in the toyshop called the dating world.

 

Lingering on and pining away after an ex is certainly not a good thing. It is unhealthy and very counter productive. But at the same time, the means towards getting past that lingering on need not necessarily be a new person to obsess about. Time spent being single is good and healthy. Plain and simple. The rest will sort itself out in due time.

 

Hope this makes sense.

[spazmy]

That sermon delivered, I would like to personally congratulate my buddy in pain emal for the progress he is making in life. Him, dreamguy, CAD, Orangesoda and so many others brought me back to life from my breakup. I feel so happy thinking about this website and how it allows me to vent when I am forced to stay silent on most such issues with those who personally know me. To a great extent, however absurd and mediated this forum is, in these times, it is perhaps the one way to maintain one's sanity and to come and blurt out what one is really thinking without the fear of retribution, a breakup or friends dumping you over your views. It helps so much to be able to share one's thoughts in anonymity. While to some degree, there is something unhealthy about that, it is, at the very least, a beginning in terms coping with tragedy and trauma.

 

Way to go ENAers

[emalkoc]

Thanks CADs and Spazmy I understand your points.

 

for my case though, I think the time is expired when she had her chances 6 months ago.

 

for others though, it is healthy to move on seriously.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Very well explained! I especially like this part:

 

which seems to describe so many people...changing relationships like underwear. I don't subscribe to the notion of "lots of other fish in the sea"...I guess it depends if a person is selective or any fish will do.

[emalkoc]

Very well explained! I especially like this part:

 

which seems to describe so many people...changing relationships like underwear. I don't subscribe to the notion of "lots of other fish in the sea"...I guess it depends if a person is selective or any fish will do.

 

I am in the same mindset. But if you are with someone with that mentality or immature, you have no option to move on! I am a long term relationship person.

 

I met a girl recently as a friend, she has left one bf of 10 years, and the other one of 7 years. She said that she got bored of them. I asked her very simple question about her parents. Her parents divorced and disfunctioning and her mother had several affairs. Well, watch out people! I know that parents should not put precedence but it plays important role how someone sees happiness or relationships. On the other hand, my parents are happily married over 40 years and I ended up with problem childhood girls..except the last one has loving parents...crossing my fingers

 

cheers

 

eric

[spazmy]

You are welcome Izzy.

 

From one midwesterner to another

[spazmy]

I would agree with emal. However, I would like to add the following. These of course are mere observations and do not need to be seen as gospel or anything. I too am merely learning and understanding people as I move along in life. So take it with a pinch of salt.

 

Even if one's parents have been living together, I do think, ultimately, the culture of separation is what most of us find ourselves living in. See, when I was growing up, I would hear along with phrases such as "if people are so unhappy, they should not be together," other phrases such as "look, in what family does one not see problems?" or "what two people living together do not get upset, angry or bored with each other at times. Should people break up at the drop of a hat?"

 

These days, of course I hardly ever hear anybody saying the latter phrases. While I do think that previously a lot of the attempts at keeping relationships going were coming from a general male belief that women, even if they are suffering or in abusive situations, should continue to abide by their mates. That, of course, should not have been, and is, mercifully, not acceptable these days.

 

That said, I think in the present, it is important to counsel people on how abuse works in relationships (and I would say some time early in life) so as to ensure that they learn how to respect the partners they are with and not end up making mistakes as the older generation did.

 

That said, breaking up is, in and of itself, the ultimate form of abuse. In my understanding, it is the most abusive thing two people who previously loved each other to distraction, can do to each other. Should people not strive to stop themselves from getting to such a point by talking and communicating about their problems with each other in a more transparent way. Cos the way I see it, I see people falling apart -- and everybody saying that it was such a great thing to do -- but finally, nobody is really happy in the ultimate analysis. It was all done for nought.

 

Just my thoughts.

[bfla]

spazmy, very nice. Made me get a little choked up.

 

But damn near everything does right now. Heh heh heh.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I don't think people should stay together if they are totally miserable with each other. However I do think that people have short attention spans when it comes to relationships. Often one person is trying to make it work while the other person couldn't be bothered...relationships are disposable to that person. In many cases the relationship dissolves because one person can't be bothered to communicate or has focused their attention on things other than the relationship....be it work, their own interests or another love interest. So while once upon a time dead marriages would just continue on and the parties would lead separate lives but give the public appearances of being a couple, nowadays the farce is no longer necessary and people are more apt to quit dead marriages.

[jasper01]

 

Basically, what I am saying is, more people advocate people going their separate ways, than staying together than ever before. We all cringe and hurt like crazy over breakups, but we all ultimately try and reinforce the view that when things do not work, a breakup is the right thing to do.

 

I agree. Let's take it a step further!

 

That's because not everyone knows that the key to making a relationship work is when both people work on themselves and their own reactions to what their partner does. That is emotional knowledge, and not something that can be shown to another person. And when there are unresolved issues from the past about intimacy, that knowledge can become blocked.

 

The assumption that unhappiness can be caused by what the partner does is basically flawed, and naturally makes it look like getting out is the solution. So the way past that is understanding and taking responsibility for ourselves fully and then choosing someone to have a relationship with that shares that vision. Someone who doesn't think that what happens inside them is caused by their partner.

 

That is when the possibility for the bond between people can be stronger than the ego stuff. But you can't really tell someone that, they have to discover that on their own.

[emalkoc]

I would agree with emal.

 

That said, breaking up is, in and of itself, the ultimate form of abuse. In my understanding, it is the most abusive thing two people who previously loved each other to distraction, can do to each other. Should people not strive to stop themselves from getting to such a point by talking and communicating about their problems with each other in a more transparent way. Cos the way I see it, I see people falling apart -- and everybody saying that it was such a great thing to do -- but finally, nobody is really happy in the ultimate analysis. It was all done for nought.

 

Just my thoughts.

 

Mate, you are on a roll LOL...Ultimate abuse...yes. breaking up is ultimate abuse when especially one says I LOVE YOU very very much and still breaks away because she or he cannot deal with the problems head on...

 

You guys wanna know what happened to my ex Her Bf dumped her. Treat her like * * * * ...Karma...

 

But I knew what was going to happen anyways. No one can handle my ex except she fixes herself. Needy, clingy, and drama queen. I am not saying I am an angle but i was right on this for sure. I escaped perhaps my 2nd divorce. so someone at the beginning of my crying post wrote, stay away from her and move on because you would get divorce...she had the wisdom on this board...

 

Love is precious but for the ones who appreciates. Dont ever take it for granted and always do the right thing even the other person is not right all the time..Sooner or later, karma catches you and you will be at the top and happy.

 

And I dont get people divorce or separate after 10+ years. You hung for 10 friking years whether abusive or not. You dealt with it. either break away in 1st year or not I think...otherwise, you are selfish or something wrong with you

 

god bless you all.

 

cheers

 

eric

[John Bendix]

I am totally agreement with your points concering emotions. Since emotions are our own reactions to what the mind interprets, it is our doing. It is not what someone says to you, feels or thinks about you, that casues us any harm, it is our reaction to this insances that can bring on suffering.

 

As for unhappiness, or any other emotion for that matter (as well as thoughts), it is fleeting and will disapate almost as soon as we experience it. The problem presents itself when that emotion is interpreted by the mind to produce another set of thoughts along the same lines (in feedback). This then creates another emotional reaction, similiar (but not the same one as is perceived) to the orginal feeling. We can create this (as we often do) over and over and then believe that we are in a "state" of unhappiness or whatever emotion we are experiencing. This is being caught in a loop. Emotions cannot be states of being as they are too fleeting.

 

We can further start to believe that the emotions (as well as thoughts) are who we are and even a part of us. It has often heard said, "I am a happy person" or "I am miserable". We are not those things but are just experiencing those emotions, through the feedback mechanism, over and over again.

 

As you have stated, this becomes very crucial in relationships. Intimate relationships create, potentially, the most explosive emotional reactions. To blame all of your unhappiness on your partner does not, to me, seem rational. But it goes on everyday. No one can "make" you happy or unhappy, as the word implies. It is your reaction that can cause these emotions.

 

Blaming and complaining seem to be the standard defense mechanism to divert our responsibility for our own emotions. It then becomes the exit line for the dissolution of intimate relationships. "You (the relationship) do not make me happy, bye".