He wants to be left alone, dead feelings. WILL HE BE BACK? (An update on the relationship conflict)

[Hunny1607307342]

To those who know and dont know the story that i posted earlier- my boyfriend/ex-boyfriend requested a break after we had a really hirrendous argument a week ago.

It was mainly my fault and i was being extremely selfish, needy, hysterical, shouting. On that night he said that a part of him died. He said we're on a break and that he needs space.

 

I texted him this morning (a week of not hearing from him) saying that i would like to talk things through, but that if he needs more time i'll understand.

 

He replied asking what i want to talk about. I said us. he said he doesn't see things improving and that there is no point.

I said that i wrote him a letter (which encompasses everything that i want to improve on and change for our relationship to work out etc. and that im really serious about it this time how much he means to me etc. everything about us).

He said he'll read it.

We went to a cafe.

He read it.

He said its a nice idea and wishes he could do something about it but that his feelings have 'died'.

Can anyone please elaborate on this for me? Well you dont really need to because I practically kept him talking for 2 hours until i understood him a bit.

 

He said that he has a lot of problems with his temper and that he feels much too screwed up to be in a relationship. he said he feels negative, a bit depressive, and as though he needs to be alone. he said that the letter says the most perfect things and that i am perfect but we clash in a way that is destructive to his life. he has family issues work issues etc.etc.

I asked him if he thinks that will change in the future.

He said he's not sure but that right now he is not who he wishes to be that he has nothing to give and doesnt know if that will change and cant see into the future.

He said hes an extremely stubborn person and thats not going to change so he cant be with me. He is so stubborn that he even recognises that he needs a physchologist but refuses to get one.

I asked him if he would call me when things patch up for him. He shrugged his shoulders. I asked him what the shrug was about, and he said he feels so negative right now that he cant see into the future or feel any emotions. He said theres clearly nobody else that he could possibly be interested in being with and cant imagine being with another girl at all so in that sense i have nothing to be worried about.

He emphasised the fact that he wants to be left alone.

And then things just ended right there and i said okay, well i guess i'll be seeing you around.

A quick hug happened and he left.

I called him an hour later to say that i need to deactivate my facebook account (to reassure him that we're on good terms and that hes not blocked) because its a bit unhealthy the way i keep checking it. He sounded really dissappointed when i told him this, and after a couple of pauses he said he understood.

So that makes me think hmmm as much as he wants to dwell into this horrible depression and hopelessness, somewhere down there he still wants to be connected to me.

I must sound so stupidly hopeful in writing this because hes made it seem so much like he doesnt want to be with me, but i cant explain to you how much we've been through together and still ended up together on the other side. I cant understand how someone can go from being in crazy love and love someone so much to wanting to destroy them because they need time alone. i think he still loves me but he's just really indenial and has mad personality traits. Whilst we were broken up for 6 months from october to april i drew the conclusion that he must be bi-polar.

I myself feeling dying right now so im leaving the country soon and booking flights to get the hell out of here so he knows im not always going to just stick around for him to know what im up to . hence the deactivation of facebook. i know he still really cares but this is not only for him its also so that i can be happy, or come close.

[pumpkinmoon]

I am very sorry this has happened again. It's hard to tell if things will work out because only he knows how he really feels.

 

he does seemt o have a lot of issues going on and it's good that he can admit that. Are you planning on going NC again now? xx

[Jetta]

Sounds like he's done. He doesn't want to work things out he's just finished, it's time to let him go. You've broken up.

[lady00]

I think that you jumped the gun by contacting him, like many people suggested you should not in your other thread. But I had a feeling you would any way. I hope that this time you will respect his desire to be left alone. If you are to reconnect in the future (which I personally do not think is wise after 2 breakups have already happened--that should be a sign that you two are not compatible, perhaps because he's not ready for a relationship right now and you are, or for other reasons such as different styles when you two have a serious conflict like the one that led to this most recent break up), let him be the one to come to you.

 

Deactivating your facebook is a step in the right direction. Good luck with everything. Focus on you, work on you and leave him be. As you say in your post, he emphasized the fact that he wants to be left alone.

[reneex061]

Your situation is almost exact to mine. We're on a break right now and my boyfriend is acting the same way. But he's not really opening up yet and telling me how he feels. I wrote my boyfriend a letter also but he didnt really respond to it. My boyfriend is very stubborn also and has huge temper problems. I think it's mainly the reason we're on a break. Well that and some other things. But honestly, don't blame yourself. Usually when a person in a relationship has temper problems, it causes the other person to act different also. Like with me I feel like because of his temper, it's caused me to act differently. So I don't fully blame myself and you shouldn't either. Oh and also when I went to talk to him, he wanted to hug me. It's like you're writing my story for me, haha.

 

I think he might just need his space to figure things out. I know it's hard to leave him alone but maybe that might help.

[thejigsup]

I wish I could say encouraging things to you, but the shrug says it all. I have shrugged in response to the same question you asked him and have had a couple of guys give the same gesture to me and say that the feelings had died. None of these relationships revived. I haven't talked to any of them in years and it seems it bothers none of us. Find someone whose personality fits in well with yours and you click together. That is more valuable than all the love and empty promises in the world.

[Hunny1607307342]

ive thought about this more and i realised that i really need to speak to him and get him to get help. I think he is clinically depressed. I spoke to one of my friends about it just now and she agrees. Every single person in his family is physcologically messed up has issues, his dad makes him work from 9am til 9pm sometimes, he's in work meetings on weekends, he's got to be up at 2am sometimes to take international calls. No wonder he hasn't got the emotional capacity to be in a relationship. Especially one like ours which has a risk of stress. But this really isnt about me as much as it is about him. And the fact that he is one of the most stubborn people i know (the most stubborn actually) means that he is shutting himself away from the world and refusing that he should find a way out of this or talk to someone/get some kind of release so that he can feel better. He said that 'no one in this world can actually understand me..i feel that you can understand me more than anyone could but even thats not enough, no one really gets me, so theres no point talking to anyone and i would rather just be left alone. i need to sort out my own problems by myself'.

I want to call him to make him understand that things shouldnt just be dealt with in this way. He doesnt sound very happy to say the least, and no one in his family seems to really give a * * * * , so if i dont then who will?

[lady00]

Sorry if this sounds harsh, but he has told you that he wants to be left alone. Why do you insist on trying to find ways back into his life? His issues are no longer your problem. Let him find help in his own way in his own time. If he is to get better, it needs to be with the help of someone who is no emotionally involved. I think it's impossible right now for you to have the distance and objectivity to really help him.

[bronte]

I have to agree, he's made it clear that he doesn't want to talk to you right now. So when you contact him, even with the best intentions, you're already starting at a HUGE disadvantage--he'll be annoyed that you're disobeying his wishes and will feel defensive because he knows you feel hurt by his actions. Telling someone that you think they need psychiatric help is always tricky, and he's definitely not going to be in a mood to be receptive to what you have to say.

 

I'm sorry that you're hurting so much and I know how hard it is to not contact someone you love, but it really sounds like you are only likely to make the situation worse...By staying away right now you may actually end up being someone that he does eventually feel comfortable talking to--whereas the more you contact him when he doesn't want you to, the less likely he is to reach out to you, ever...

[summerpeach]

So far you've diagnosed him with bi polar and depression.

When my ex could not understand my actions, he said I was bi polar. I am far from bi polar. I'm just also dead inside from the drama of the relationship.

 

It sounds like you're looking for any excuse to contact him. This seems very codependent. We sometimes focus on other's issues so we don't have to face our own.

 

I know how much the end hurts, man it hurts bad. but it hurts worse when you lose your dignity along with it.

 

Leave him be and work on you

[chocolate-cake]

I think ur not together anymore u have to stop trying to save him, leave him alone and wait till hes ready 2 speak 2 u.

[Hunny1607307342]

So far you've diagnosed him with bi polar and depression.

When my ex could not understand my actions, he said I was bi polar. I am far from bi polar. I'm just also dead inside from the drama of the relationship.

 

It sounds like you're looking for any excuse to contact him. This seems very codependent. We sometimes focus on other's issues so we don't have to face our own.

 

I know how much the end hurts, man it hurts bad. but it hurts worse when you lose your dignity along with it.

 

Leave him be and work on you

 

 

im not just unrighteously diagnosing him with pyschological problems, HE even said himself that he needs some kind of help. He's just too stubborn to actually do something about it.

HE is the one who told me he's sure he needs to see a physchiatrist (sorry about spelling), but then said he doesn't really have time and said he wouldnt want to do that anyway because hes too cynical to see how that would solve any real problems and that he's not "crazy".

He's acting very much like someone with depression, not being able to "see the light" having no emotional capacity etc.etc. His life circumstances are awful.

Either way, hes not going to listen to me, so i wont bother trying to do something about it.

I jus hope he gets over this shambolic mess, so that he'll feel more at ease and so will I.

[Hunny1607307342]

He just sent me a text this morning and its a picture message of a quote that i sent him a long time ago saying "great friends are hard to find, difficult to leave, and impossible to forget".

Strangeeeeeeee.

So i guess this is a good thing that there are no hard feelings. Right?

[Hunny1607307342]

I dont know anymore what he wants. He spoke to me on msn this morning.

He asked me to send him my display pic saying its such a nice photo...he asked me how i am etc... he seemed really shocked that i was going away for 6 weeks.

Asked me where my internship is etc. being the same old usual person he is when we break up.

Acting like he has zero feelings when really he does. I dont know, you guys will probably think im indenial, but ive seen this pattern before. i m just going to try my hardest to live my life and if it happens again then it does, if not then, it wasnt meant to be.

[Batya33]

Your last sentence sounds like a good plan - no problem in overanalyzing (other than a headache) - the only problem is if you act on your thoughts/feelings by contacting him again -- hopefully going away will help you change that habit/pattern. You are not the appropriate person to help him right now even though it's tempting to use that as an excuse to contact.

 

good luk.

[Hunny1607307342]

omigosh.

he said he wnts to give things another go.

[Batya33]

omigosh.

he said he wnts to give things another go.

 

I think you need to figure out first what has changed for each of you in the last day or so whether that change is a real change or based on neediness/loneliness, and what you each will do to stop the cycle of breaking up. For example, is he going to see a therapist? How are you going to work on your behavior that troubles him enough to break up with you?

[pumpkinmoon]

Well I was just checking in to see what has been happening and I'm shocked. Maybe it was just a spur of the moment thing when he said he wanted to be left alone and now he has had time to think about it he has realised this. Good luck. Keep us updated xx

[Hunny1607307342]

He thinks its all my fault.

His words were "I'll give you another chance, but for the last time".

So clearly he doesnt seem himself as needing to change.

In a sense i dont blame him, because i do add a lot of fuel to the fire, and i wonder if i perhaps didnt get so complacent, things could work out. I really want to make a bigger effort this time.

I personally would take the risk...ugh maybe im crazy. But i cant control my feelings.

[pumpkinmoon]

Well I bet it isn't all your fault at all. It really bugs me when I hear things like this Are there things you feel he needs to work on regarding the relationship too?

[Batya33]

You can control your reactions to your feelings (none of us can really control our feelings, that's normal!). You can choose to react to your desire to try again by asking yourself what has changed in you, what has changed in him, what has changed between you two in the last two days that will be more likely to lead to a different outcome this time. If it were me, I would have that talk with him with 100% honesty and openness, without trying to convince each other or yourselves that it's going to be different without a really solid basis.

 

Sometimes I find, and have seen, that couples actually get into this break up/get back together cycle as a way to keep the challenge and the spark going, which has diminished returns after a few times -meaning the first time it's all romantic and "sticks" for months maybe, the second time maybe weeks, etc.

 

Good luck!

[Hunny1607307342]

Yeah i know, that is true. Thanks for all your advice so far!! I can't imagine the number of times that you've wished me luck! haha i'll definitely need it this time because i feel like its the last straw really. And if I feel like this, as the dumpee, then my oh my he must feel even more so!!! I'll see if i can figure things out with him and see how it goes i guess!

[bronte]

Be really careful, his behavior sounds a bit manipulative to me--he basically punishes you by threatening to break up and refusing to be in contact, then announces that he will forgive you and give you another chance despite it all being your fault? That puts you in a horrible position of having to "prove" yourself to him, while he doesn't feel like he needs to make any changes at all.

 

I agree with Batya that you need to really talk to him about what's changed and how you guys are going to handle things differently as a couple when conflict arises in the future. Good luck!

[lady00]

He sounds all over the place. One day he wants to be left alone, seems depressed etc, the next he wants to get back together? I don't know, sounds a little unstable for a dating situation but oh well, good luck.

[Hunny1607307342]

I agree which is why i am slightly hesitant. But I am going away for 6 weeks so hopefully it will give both of us a bit of time to think.