Filling The Void

[Th3 Cr0w]

I recently fell out of a long term relationship of four years with someone I greatly loved. It was not a matter of if I'd "buy the ring", but just a matter of when.

Through a lot of trauma in both of our lives (her's really taking a toll on her.) she wanted to take a break. Once the break wrapped up she decided that she didn't want to be involved with me in that way, not now.

 

All things considered I've handled it well. I think much of the fear and pain was felt during the break. Obviously I miss her, still want her. I have my tearful nights, and moments of memory.

 

I do find myself wanting to feel the void as soon as possible though. Which probably isn't the best thing for me right now. It's just, building up through high school, all I ever really wanted was to have someone. Then when I found her and it actually worked and seemed to be going where I wanted it to. But now, I find myself in a familiar situation. I hated being alone, it killed me, ripped me to shreds on a near daily basis. It's all happening again, but much worse this time. I find myself wanted and craving all that emotion again. Even fighting with bouts of lust.

 

Leading up to her I really had the lowest possible opinion of myself. Personality, and especially physical appearance. Both of those demons have come back into full swing now. I really feel like I'm done now. That I'll never have someone again, or that anyone will ever actually love me. I've heard the "million fish in the sea" speech so many times and it's never taken with me.

 

I feel like I've been placed on a road in pitch black. Completely lost. All I have is lingering memories and the desire to not live this life alone.

I don't know even where to start looking or what to do.

 

Anyone able to help?

[Jeximo]

Anyone who has recently ended a long-term relationship is going to want to fill that missing part of themselves, it's just natural. But from personal experience, just filling the void won't be 1/10'th as personally satisfying as if you met someone new a while from now. It may feel that it is at the beginning, but you're just trying to replace your ex with someone else. I know you want to fill that part of yourself as soon as possible but truthfully.. not is just filling the void bad for your personal development, it is far from fair to the person?

[Love_Music]

I understand exactly how you feel. That's what happened with one of my ex's (except for all the dram in our lives). He wanted to take a break and I then found out he had been seeing someone else for a few months. I'm not saying this is what happened between you and your gf, but it could be possible. From the way you described your feelings towards yourself, it sounds like you may have been needy (attention wise, reassurance, ect.) If so, this could have also put a strain on your relationship without you knowing it. Have you asked her why she didn't want to contiue the relationship after y'all had taken the break?

[Jetta]

Fear of being alone is with a lot if not all of us. We all go through periods of being alone too. Even marriage isn't forever as I used to think. Divorce, death, it happens and it's awful when it does. Loss needs to be grieved. And there are other people out there for us. That one person doesn't exist, although love does. We can love many, or at least several. We all have our failings and faults, no one is perfect so you don't need to expect yourself to be perfect either.

[Th3 Cr0w]

From the way you described your feelings towards yourself, it sounds like you may have been needy (attention wise, reassurance, ect.)

Have you asked her why she didn't want to contiue the relationship after y'all had taken the break?

Thats just it, I never spoke like that to her. I never went on and complained about how negatively I see myself. In fact being with her and in that relationship boosted me to unforeseen levels. I'm not saying she was oblivious to it. But I'm positive it didn't have a bearing on our relationship.

I let her do her own thing when she wanted her time. When she complimented me it meant everything coming from her, but I never fished for them.

As far as seeking attention of anything of the sort, I wished she would have given me more affection, but I didn't complain about it to her. Though I feel I should have at least said something. I love just having her give me a kiss 'just because' and those moments seemed somewhat rare. Although, when they did happen they meant that much more.

 

As to what she said in response to why she was not wanting to continue...It was something along the lines of, "I don't want to be romantically involved with you, not now." That isn't verbatim but it's close.

She has an overwhelming amount of things going on in her life right now (as do I).. from college and growing up, the death of pets, to dealing with her Mother having lung cancer and turning for the worse (everyone chips in to take care of her at home). So I could see how our situation was just even more to juggle. Simply because if we had gotten back together it would have been something we would have had to work at for awhile.

Because I know our relationship was never a strain or burden. We rarely fought and when we did we would come running back to each other at about the same time so sorry. (We usually made up within hours).

We were so relaxed and at peace around each other.

 

We all have our failings and faults, no one is perfect so you don't need to expect yourself to be perfect either.

Which is something I hear and understand. But, these personal demons have been with me for a long time. Only when I was with her did I feel differently.

I can't seem to shake the idea that she was my one chance at happiness. Many people say it, but I honestly feel that I'm going to be alone for it all now. Which rolls into my harping on my physical appearance as a reason for why. The world is a very shallow place.

I've been battling as hard as I can, but I can't seem to really overcome any of those thoughts and I really don't know how to fix it.

 

 

 

 

Something I wanted to throw out too. I was trying to make sense of her wanting to end us. And in doing such I was throwing out any idea that came to mind.. I said, "Is it that you don't love me as much as you thought?" and in my idiocy that was the only thing she even responded to as a possibility. It really hurt me. But then I think back to her being so afraid of me not being her friend after all this, and looking at all the pride she took in our long relationship. She was the first one to bring up marriage. Very embarrassed about it but it was cute. She shared references in fortune cookies and horoscopes that implied us ending up like that. Heck on facebook we are (yes still are, but thats another topic) listed as "Have been dating since 2004 and are practically married".

If she didn't love me as much as she thought.... then what does everything I just mentioned mean? I just want some input on this as her reaction to that suggestion of mine really hurt.

[Godwin]

My situation is almost a carbon copy. Replace 4 years with 7 years & thats it exactly, right down to engagement situation(me putting off proposing), the break turning into a full split and now a HUGE desire to meet, date and marry the first girl I see.

 

Its just natural, you have a void in heart, mind and life and you want to fill it.

 

I also feel ugly, useless and pathetic. Despite me being in the best shape of my life I have ZERO confidence.

 

I look at EVERY girl I see as a potential wife and have even considered dating people I find totally unattractive.

 

The only way I can get over this is to meet someone I find attractive, fall in love and get my confidence back. This will not happen overnight though.

[fixyou_]

voids are best filled with starbucks and hagen daz.

but yes =\ we all know the pain.

i don't think anything can "fix" your void but time and easing yourself into what you want and what is best for you.