He's Married!

[Excalibur]

I'd review it objectively.

 

You like your new body image, you flirt and make offers - and make good on offers you make to men you really don't know. That doesn't speak well for you. But you have nothing to "lose" as far as lifestyle, security, or serenity by what you're proposing to announce.

 

Her..she's got a joint life, family, bank account, child, she's got a world intertwined with him. When some girl who likes her "new look" tells her that her husband was sexually active with her - based on a high school crush...is she more likely to tell you that you're a lying * * * * - or call a divorce attorney.

 

So if you want to "prove" yourr association with him to her - you can call her up and tell her about his dalliance with you.

[melrich]

but you were also wrong for sleeping with someone that you just had a one time conversation with, and remembered him just as a person you went to school with.

 

That is just your judgement call, not a statement of fact. Many people enjoy one off sexual encounters (as did the OP from how she expressed it) and that is not "wrong" it is simply a different morality to yours.

[Ac143]

I am not judging a ONS. I am saying that it's vile to say that having a ONS with a married man without any disregard for anyone but yourself is empowering and sexy. Nothing sexy about it. JMO.

 

It wouldnt be empowering & sexy if she knew he was married it would make her equally to blame, but she had NO clue. My best friend had a one night stand only to find out the next day that the guy she had sex with was gay and only experimenting with her.

 

Those are the chances people take when they have a ONS, they dont know the other persons history...usually, even if they ask people dont tell the truth in bars/clubs. I never had one but I can't say I never will either if I become single. This guy is a DOG & I hope he get his one day.

[Ac143]

That is just your judgement call, not a statement of fact. Many people enjoy one off sexual encounters (as did the OP from how she expressed it) and that is not "wrong" it is simply a different morality to yours.

 

I agree 100%! I dont think the orginial poster was asking us if we agreed with her decision or not. She obviously is an adult and can do whatever she wants. Its not her fault this "man" or whatever you wanna call him didn't tell her he was married.

[TechResQ]

...I would want to know. The truth will catch up to him eventually, it always does. Just my two cents.

 

Tell her. Then tell her you are sorry you didn't know before hand, or his infidelity would have never happened with you.

[Excalibur]

I just think the practical realities should be reviewed before anybody pops off to someone else.

 

The husband is going to deny it, the wife isn't going to want to believe it and want proof...and all that "proof" is going to be found or at least sought in a public venue, by going around saying "this skank says she slept with my husband, what do you think?"

 

I think it's a better way to end your own reputation, than to cause him grief.

[Ac143]

I agree with Excalibur, Im sure most of us would want to know if we were cheated on but if some girl or guy told us we might not believe it. Heck its hard for people to believe it even when they have the proof right in front of their face.

 

I think by getting involved and telling the wife might cause more headache for you. You have no obligation to tell her, she isn't your friend, aunt, mom etc...She doesnt know you from a hole in a wall and the chances of her believing you are VERY slim. Like I said before every dog has his day. He will get his one day - dont worry about that. Im sure this isn't his last ONS....

[HeartGoesOn]

It wouldnt be empowering & sexy if she knew he was married it would make her equally to blame, but she had NO clue. My best friend had a one night stand only to find out the next day that the guy she had sex with was gay and only experimenting with her.

 

Those are the chances people take when they have a ONS, they dont know the other persons history...usually, even if they ask people dont tell the truth in bars/clubs. I never had one but I can't say I never will either if I become single. This guy is a DOG & I hope he get his one day.

 

 

I agree that it's a chance that people take when they have a ONS, and don't know the other persons history.

 

My point, (and this is just my opinion, without passing judgement) is if you take the time to know the person first, and date them for a fair amount of time, the chances of that happening are less so.

[Tethys]

Do not get involved. You don't now his home-life at all. Let it go!

[summerpeach]

My opinion goes both ways. I would not tell his wife b/c that keeps you in the drama. You owe her nothing, but if my hubby did it, I would want to know

 

One of my best friends was cheating on her boyfriend and how I found out was I met this guy on line to date and we talked and figured out he knew my friend. Well he knew my best friend from DATING her on line also?! I was like "she's had a boyfriend for 3 1.2 yrs"

He said he took her to movies, spent time at her house and would even show up at her work. Her boyrfiend also worked at the same company.

Then I found out she was doing this with many other guys

 

It took all my courage but I told him what i knew and connected him to the guy so he would believe the story.

I lost my best friend, but she was a loser for doing this and her boyfriend had a better chance at a happy life.

This was over 3 yrs ago and he met a great girl and is engaged to be married now

 

This wife will believe you, but she won't leave her hubby if she has two kids. Who knows, maybe you can make their marriage stronger if she knew.

 

Tough one!

[blueeyedme]

There is nothing to be gained by telling her and as some have suggested, she probably already knows. You got what you wanted out of the deal and even bragged to your friends. He is certainly a piece of work and will get his in the end. On the other hand, if he ever contacts you again, ask him about his wife.

[ApplePiePeachy]

Hey guys thanks for your advice.

 

Like some people have said on here, I'm not looking for whether or not anyone approves of how I live my life, we all have our views on things. I feel I am in absolutely no way responsible here, regardless of what some may say, I just want to do what is right.

 

I don't know if the right thing is to tell his wife now and hurt her but save her being hurt in the long run, or say nothing and hope she never catches him and to her seems like the perfect husband and father. I'm thankful for all the advice I've gotten but I am still completely undecided! It's not helping that my friend has gotten all her feminist on and is going on and on about how I should respect my fellow sister and tell her!

 

I'm still don't know what to do. I just think nope, leave it, it's not really your problem, pretend you never found out. But then I get the worst feeling in the pit of my stomach, like I'm the most horrible person ever.

 

I think I'll give it until after the weekend to make a decision one way or the other, so if anyone else has any more to give me, I'd really appreciate it!

[ycmanvs]

Don't let your friend bully you into telling. If you tell, you have to deal with the consequences, which may be unpleasant for you.

If she wants to tell so bad, let her be the one to tell the wife...as long as she leaves your name out of it.

[teknoise]

I wouldn't.

 

There are some safety issues to consider if she's the type to go off the handle and try to get revenge on you (despite your innocence).

 

He was wrong in hiding the fact that he was married, but you were also wrong for sleeping with someone that you just had a one time conversation with, and remembered him just as a person you went to school with.

 

The adultery thing I can see, but it's not inherently morally wrong to sleep with anyone you barely know. Not always the safest choice, but a one night stand is not wrong just because its a one night stand.

[Excalibur]

If you insist on telling his wife - take proof with you that cannot be refuted in court - as proof of his dalliiance with you.

 

That's the only way she might believe you - because she has every reason and need to deny you are correct.

[Ac143]

Most people would want to know when they are cheated on but everyone also needs proof. She will NOT believe you if you just call and tell her, she might think you are some pyscho just trying to break up their marriage.

 

Even with proof she might not believe you or wont wanna believe you. I think you should just let it be and move on with your life. So what does it accomplish telling her? Getting it off your chest? Are you really going to feel better if you do it? Even if she thinks you are lying and says or does things that aren't so nice? You might regret telling her. I cant think of one married woman that wouldnt fly off the handle and at you, innocent or not. I personally believe that interfering with someone marriage is just wrong whether or not what he/she did was wrong, unless you are a close relative/friend.

[SubliminalUser]

Ignorance is bliss.

 

That's all I will say.

[bijoux27]

You say you don't love him so you don't care if he is married or not, and slept with him for bragging rights and to fulfill your ego. All i am saying is the wife might not give you the reception you think and flip the script on you to say why would you be sleeping with a man you don't even know well enough to find out if he is married? You might tell me that is not her business, but if you tell her you slept with her husband you have made it her business.

 

Right on!..

[Batya33]

I'm going to go out on a limb here and say..."you go girl"!!! *triple snaps in the air* lol I'm glad that you saw a man you were hot for and went for it! And obviously got an incredible night out of it. Good for you! I've done the same thing and it's empowering..it feels awesome and makes you feel sexy. First off, enjoy that feeling of empowerment and sexiness. Second, put this whole thing out of your mind for a few day. You dont have to make a decision RIGHT NOW. Let it stew in your thoughts for a while and the answer that is best for YOU will come to you. Good luck. Dont stress this so much. You were not in the wrong. But just let it go for a few days and the answer will come to you. (((huggs))) Cat

 

I would know my life was pretty sad if I felt empowered by getting a man I barely knew to have intercourse with me and enjoying the sex. I'm not empowered when I'm able to track down an amazing hot fudge sundae, either so I can't imagine that being any different, especially for a woman since I would think it's easier to "convince" a man to have sex than it is the other way around.

[blueeyedme]

Hey guys thanks for your advice.

...I feel I am in absolutely no way responsible here, regardless of what some may say, I just want to do what is right.

 

Hmmm.. I am pretty sure you were there and at the very least equally responsible for what occurred and if you attempt to clear your guilt by confessing to his wife, you will likely be blamed.

[ycmanvs]

I am not sure people are really blaming her for the ONS. I think that expecting a ONS to divulge their marital status is not necessary, since you will never see them again. The whole point of a ONS is to get off, not build trust or a relationship with the other person.

Just because she later found out that he is a cad, does not necessarily give her the right to interfere in his marital problems. She is a symptom of them, not a cause.

 

Maybe if the shoe were on the other foot...How would she feel if he decided to go around telling her friends that she had a ONS with him?

 

People take risks when they have ONS. Men, women...does not matter what gender you are. You make a choice to sleep with someone who you do not know, so you cannot expect to have too much information about them.

 

I find it in very poor taste if someone comes up to me to tell me that my significant other cheated on me. It is humiliating and embarrassing and I would probably not want to believe it.

By the same token, if I choose to have a ONS, I would not want to keep in touch with that person, or their family.

 

That is just my opinion, so I don't expect everyone to agree with me. I don't think there is a right thing to do at this point. The right thing would have been not to have a ONS unless you can deal with the other person being married, having an STD, etc.....because those are the risks one takes when making that choice.

[tangi39]

 

for me, the STD issue is very important, i would want to know if my SO was running around on me so i could get tested. if she is pregnant and gets an STD, that can harm the child, even kill it! she can lose her ability to have kids again. many STDs, like chlamydia, have no symptoms. Many women don't even know they have it until they go to the doctor's one day and they find out the reason they can't have children is because they got a chlamydia infection that destroyed their ability to have children.

 

QUOTE]

 

I agree with this. I don't blame the OP since she wasn't told, she did nothing wrong, HE did. But I think after finding out, she should find some way to let the wife know merely so she can get tested for her health. She wouldn't have to do it in person, she could find ways to do it anonymously.

If the wife chooses to believe it or not is her choice, but at least she was warned. This is the primary reason I think there is a obligation to let the spouse know. There can be devastating health consequences for them possibly forever when they did nothing wrong. I don't think the OP deserves her wrath since she didn't know, but I also think there are ways she can inform the wife without revealing herself.

This is merely my opinion.

But I know for sure, that if my husband cheated on me, I would hate to be barren the rest of my life or die because someone couldn't drum up the courage to tell me to get tested. Whether or not I believed it, I'd still get tested to be safe rather than sorry. Even if my marriage fell apart, I would want to know if nothing else for my own health and safety.

I think the guy is scum because without the OP's knowledge or consent- he made her partially responsible for his wife's health. That, to me, is what makes it so selfish on his part, she had no choice in the matter. She is now involved whether she wanted to be or not. I do think it is HIS fault, NOT hers. But IMVHO, I still think she has an obligation to inform his wife.

 

But that is just my two cents.

[ycmanvs]

Does that mean that every time someone has a ONS, they should inform all other possible partners of the other party, if they accidentally find out who they are?

I had no idea that we are the CDC and must contact everyone to give them a "heads up" on their husbands.

It all seems a little too convincing. It is a rationalization, so that she can contact the wife....if there even is a wife. She heard from a friend that he may have a wife....

 

The whole thing is full of drama if she contacts the wife, anonymously or otherwise.

 

From what I understand, the OP used protection, so she did not catch anything from him. If he is married, then it is a sad fact that his wife may be in danger, but I do not thing it is the OP's duty to inform her of her husband's indiscretions.

[tangi39]

As I said, merely my opinion. Every time there's a ONS, no.

If you find out they have a partner, yes- whether you find out accidentally or not. Especially if you find out there's a spouse, and you know the spouse, yes.

 

Yes, there is drama. She did not ask to be involved, but she is now.

We both know condoms don't protect from all STD's- and lots of people have diseases without ever knowing it.

 

To me, it's the same thing as seeing someone drowning and doing nothing about it. You may have done nothing wrong, and you may not have put them there in that situation, but if you don't try to prevent them from dying, and they do, then yes, I do think you are paritally responsible.

 

Again, just my opinion, you may disagree. The OP may disagree.

But that's what I would do in her shoes. I personally see no reason for her not to inform the wife when she knows she will most likely never see them again and could do it anonymously. But that's just me.

[blueeyedme]

why is she 'at the very least equally responsible?' from my count, HE also had sex with a near-stranger. NOT only that, but he is, #2, married, and #3, lied by not disclosing his marital status! the OP isn't married, so why is she 'equally' to blame as this man is?? i just think that's an incredibly sexist point of view. when guys get laid, they get pats on the back from their buddies. when women do the same thing, we get told that we're bad little "prostitutes."

 

Annie: I am not blaming the OP nor am I being judgmental. It takes two and they both decided to jump into bed. Now the OP is feeling guilty and want's to clear her conscience. You were correct in your earlier post - the guy might be a scumbag, but it's a one night thing, no big deal and the OP just needs to let it go.