He's Married!

[ycmanvs]

i don't know - is she feeling guilty? i didn't get that sense, but i could be wrong. i agree, you shouldn't tell someone something like this to 'clear your conscience.' but maybe she has a genuine concern about the well-being of this woman.

 

i also want to point out that i am a microbiologist, i am really quite careful when it comes to diseases, i know there are many diseases that can be spread even with condoms (like herpes). i would want to know if there was a chance i could be infected. that's just me though.

 

That is your responsibility then. You get tested and you ask your partner to get tested, but you cannot expect other people to tell you that they slept with your partner. You hope for the best and prepare for the worst....You can always use universal precautions and abstain from any sexual activity or exchange of any bodily fluids. The moment you choose to have sex with another human being, you take a risk. You can never know if they are telling you the truth about their situation and their faithfulness.

As a microbiologist, you must be aware of all the potential dangers, but you cannot live in a bubble, or interfere in other people's lives and force them to face the reality of a bad marriage.

 

There are pros and cons to telling the wife and I think the OP needs to figure out what is best for her.

It would be interesting to see what her motivation for telling is. In the original post, she did not mention STD's, but we brought it up....so now that has become the reason for telling.

[lillybee1982]

](*,) Everyone is talking about STD's as being the only reason to tell the wife... how about the fact that IT'S WRONG. How about the wifes emotional health. How about the respect and honesty this man is not giving to any woman especially his wife. These things happen more often I think because no one says anything... and because no one does anything... informed or uninformed. And people like him who are too selfish to care... continue doing it, because they can and only think of themselves.

[tangi39]

Lilli,

 

I don't think it's the only reason, just the primary one.

 

This does not go out to those who have open relationships OR those men(and women) out there who ARE faithful - I know you're out there.

BUT IMVHO,

 

The Infidelity epidemic, yes I think it's become an epidemic of sorts would be a LOT less prevalent if people told the partners that were cheated on.

But so many people brush it off and say "It's not my business" or "I don't want to effect their marriage" and so the person continues to get away with affairs over and over, or someone has an affair with no worries of ever getting caught and dealing with the reprecussions. I think cheating and affairs would be a lot less frequent if the cheater knew their spouse/SO would definitely find out. Would it stop everyone ? Of course not. But I think the statistics would be much much lower. Sadly there are a lot of people who believe as long as you don't get caught- you did nothing wrong, but if they knew they'd get caught, they may think twice.

I believe anyone that knowingly has an affair with a married person specifically has already effected the marriage whether they see those effects or not. If you don't want to be in the center of the marriage, then don't put yourself there in the first place. But I think the spouse should be told. I think that not telling only perpetuates the cycle.

But that's merely my opinion.

[JadedStar]

I think your posts on this topic have been some of the best, particularly this one and the bolded info above. The OP takes zero responsiblity for any of this. I am not saying that she is EQUALLY as bad as this guy nor am I putting any moral judgement on the ONS, but i AM saying it is a choice she made and ANYTIME a person chooses a ONS the bolded text you wrote above CAN occur and a person should be ACCOUNTABLE for his or her actions.

 

I think telling the wife is not the right thing to do for many reasons that have been stated on this thread.

 

it is not a judgement to say that ONS's are VERY risky and when a person has one they should realize that any number of factors, mostly unpleasant ones, can come out of their instant gratification. Some pepole not only found out the person was married but ALSO have an enraged spouse come after them with a gun.

 

Would be a nice rosy and warm world if we could take risks and not ever expect consequences.

 

The person who said a ONS was empowering is sad indeed. If this is what women's lib has migrated to I'll pass on it. I will be empowered by things that actually matter, not if i can get some sleazebag to have a ONS with me. There is ZERO challenge or valor in that. Geesh have some self worth and be empowered by things that actually matter.

[JadedStar]

Another great post.