helplesslyhoping Posted June 25, 2008 Share Posted June 25, 2008 We've been married for 7 1/2 yrs. We have an almost 9 yr old daughter. He has had an emotional affair and is a liar. He says he's never loved me and that he can't keep this up any longer. We've done therapy. I can say I have given 100%. He gave 20% and continued his affair while going to therapy. He moved out May 19th, our daughter is with me. I have tried so hard to be nice for our daughters sake. I have been understanding (well, as much as I can be) and I can go days with out feeling like I want to claw his eyes out. Today is not one of those days. I lost my job before he bailed. I have been trying so hard to find a job. I have only worked part time since our daughter was born. That was an agreement we made together. I am now being forced to find a full time job and I'm pissed. I have an interview for a job that has a base salary of 35k, benefits from day 1 and I know in my intelligent, rational mind that I need to do this. But the mom in me is crying a deep, mournful, gutteral cry. I will be forced to drop my daughter off at day care at 7 am and I won't be able to pick her up until 6:30 at night. This isn't fair to me or to her. She didn't ask for her dad to be a liar and a cheat but she is the one that has to pay the price. I live in a fairly rural area outside of Chicago. I will have to commute to get a decent job. Moving is out of the question. In this market I couldn't sell my house if I listed it for 1/2 of it's worth. Besides, she's established here and her life has been turned upside down as it is, I can't make it worse for her. Can I nudge him into on coming traffic? Link to comment
princess_summer_blue84 Posted June 25, 2008 Share Posted June 25, 2008 Sure. Vent away hon! Vent away! Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted June 25, 2008 Share Posted June 25, 2008 I know it sounds bleak now, but you will adjust...and who knows, it might not be as bad as you think. Your daughter will adjust too. Have you filed for divorce? Link to comment
Overburdened Posted June 25, 2008 Share Posted June 25, 2008 He's one of those eh? Mine was much worse... he was a cheater from day one. A chronic liar. A narcissist. A chronic cheater. An alcoholic. I hope he rots in hell forever. cheated on me when I was pregnant...while I was at the hosp with our newborn... after we were married, got another woman pregnant... lied about everything imaginable. I've had my fantasies about his death.. trust me. Nothing hurts more. And my two kids are suffering, too. We don't even have our own home. We sleep on a floor. Anything to get away from this kind of man... Link to comment
BeStrongBeHappy Posted June 25, 2008 Share Posted June 25, 2008 Honey, your daughter will be fine! She is 9 years old, and will make friends with the other kids in daycare and play with them and be fine. I know it is hard for you to leave her, but she will still have her mother and had her mother at home when she was younger and really needed it. Now that she is school age, her friends are just as important to her and she will have fun actvities at the day care center. So you need to get a lawyer, and make sure you get child support and possibly temporary (or permanent) spousal support while you get back on your feet. He may be able to walk away from you, but he can't walk away from child support without going to jail. Let the lawyer work in your favor financially. It is really hard right now, and divorce is terrible, but you will be find and find yourself and your own happiness eventually. He's better off gone if he is so disloyal. Link to comment
Gracelove Posted June 25, 2008 Share Posted June 25, 2008 Awwww! I'm so sorry! I can feel your emotion through your words. You deserve sooooooooooo much better. You really do, and so does your daughter. I just heard a story today, I'll tell it to you, maybe it'll cheer you up. This lady was married to a man. He wasn't the best husband, but she stuck it out with him for 20 years. He decided he wanted to leave her for a younger, sexy, Latin woman. He sold their home and left her (his wife) with nothing. She had to move in with one of her girlfriends. He took all of their money. He knew she'd come after him, so he gave all of the money to his girlfriend. His girlfriend then left him and fled to Mexico. She came back though, and now they are both drug addicts. And the husband, constantly worries that his wife will come and burn down his house with him in it (drug paranoia). This is a true story, this happened to one of our family friends. So you never know what may happen to your husband for doing this to his family. Hang in there, I know you are pissed. You kept up your end of the deal, you kept your vows, and he didn't. I'm sure you feel like you are being punished for something that isn't your fault. It's totally normal to feel that way. I'm really sorry for your situation, but you'll pull through. Link to comment
Overburdened Posted June 25, 2008 Share Posted June 25, 2008 This lady was married to a man. He wasn't the best husband, but she stuck it out with him for 20 years. He decided he wanted to leave her for a younger, sexy, Latin woman. He sold their home and left her (his wife) with nothing. She had to move in with one of her girlfriends. He took all of their money. He knew she'd come after him, so he gave all of the money to his girlfriend. His girlfriend then left him and fled to Mexico. She came back though, and now they are both drug addicts. And the husband, constantly worries that his wife will come and burn down his house with him in it (drug paranoia). Still doesn't sound like the guy regreted or learned from his actions. Just because he is afraid of his ex doesn't mean he would change a thing. Maybe you will meet a faithful and attractive man with a great career someday. Maybe he will want to adopt your daughter. Maybe your ex will regret putting you through misery. If not, may he burn in My ex told me that when guys have sex or "get laid", they think they are in love with the girl. When really, they were in love for about 5 seconds. (during orgasm) Link to comment
helplesslyhoping Posted June 25, 2008 Author Share Posted June 25, 2008 No, we haven't filed yet. No we don't have attorneys. He is staying at his mom's condo. She doesn't live there, but t's furnished and free. If we didn't have this we would still be under the same roof. I have asked him not to file yet and he has agreed. He has been thinking about this for years (the affair has been about a year and a half) while I am feeling like I've been beaten by a 2 X 4. I need time to sort things out and deal with my anger. If I don't I will demand everything and I won't compromise. The attorney fees would kill us if this happened. We agree we need to try and be friendly with eachother. We have 9 more years of joint decision making together. We are going back to therapy to make the seperation less... painful? If that is at all possible. As for the above post... No man will ever take my STBX place in my daughters life. He may have not loved me but he loves his daughter more than even he realizes. No one will adopt her. I'm not looking to be taken care of. I'm looking to keep the promise I made to my daughter. That I would be there physically for her every day. He did not have a physical affair. This was a "friendship" where he had deep feelings for her. Enough to run like hell from me. Link to comment
Overburdened Posted June 25, 2008 Share Posted June 25, 2008 SBT... My feelings of hatred for my ex run deep. Link to comment
Overburdened Posted June 25, 2008 Share Posted June 25, 2008 What made him want to be friends with her so much? do you know? Link to comment
helplesslyhoping Posted June 25, 2008 Author Share Posted June 25, 2008 What made him want to be friends with her so much? do you know? He says he felt a "connection" to her that he never felt with me. They are co-workers. I don't know how the friendship started, I don't think he even knows. She's 11 yrs younger (27) and I don't really think she wants him in the same way. He was able to make her feel good by chasing her. She's divorced, has 2 kids and works 3rd shift in a very male dominated field. There is no way she could possibly have a social life. She only gets weekends off every 6 weeks. I think ultimately she used him. Serves the f@*%er right. Link to comment
shygirl1212 Posted June 25, 2008 Share Posted June 25, 2008 hoping - my heart sunk when I read your post...I am so sorry that you & your daughter are going through this. coming from a family of divorced parents with a single mom struggling to make ends meet i can feel your pain. i don't know what to say but i just wanted you to know that i'm here, we're all here for you... Link to comment
helplesslyhoping Posted June 25, 2008 Author Share Posted June 25, 2008 hoping - my heart sunk when I read your post...I am so sorry that you & your daughter are going through this. coming from a family of divorced parents with a single mom struggling to make ends meet i can feel your pain. i don't know what to say but i just wanted you to know that i'm here, we're all here for you... Thank you so much... It's hard. This isn't the life I was promised by him. I put my faith in him because hes asked me to. ANd my life is now built on nothing but lies. Link to comment
shygirl1212 Posted June 25, 2008 Share Posted June 25, 2008 hoping - i know what you mean, only b/c my mom was in a similar situation to you many years ago. we went through very hard times - it broke our family apart and left long-lasting effects on us - but the good thing is that it was good that he finally just left so that my mom and i could start to just live again without the lies, without all the hurt, and without all the crap... i know it's difficult because i lived through it i feel your pain because i experienced it and i saw my mom experience it i dont think anything can ever make up for what he has done to you the pain and destruction he has caused i know it's not going to be easy but I do think that you WILL overcome this - because it is SO clear how much you adore and love your daughter and that is what will see you through all this turmoil: your dauhgter. For her, you will get through this. Please feel free to PM me anytime too... Link to comment
just M.E. Posted June 25, 2008 Share Posted June 25, 2008 Get therapy just for you, this is like a Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome, you need to learn the emotional tools through this. BSBH is right, your daughter will be alright, is really stinks, but try keep you venting to places like here and away from her, she will worry about you and also pick up on any insecurity you have. It isn't fair, but these situations never are. You are still very young and there is a lot of life ahead of you. Everyone has given you good advice here. Take care of yourself, you are one of many of us who have faced the same thing. It never is easy, if it was easy, there would probably be something wrong with you. Because you are a reasonable and caring person, you see the injustice. Hang in there, it does get better, but it is a hard road, you have someone to turn to here. Link to comment
Catdancer Posted July 8, 2008 Share Posted July 8, 2008 You and he can go to mediation to mediation the distribution of assets, child custody, child support and spousal support. The mediator will then enter the mediation agreement to the court and it will be legal and the terms imposable by the court. This is the cheapest way to go as long as you both can agree. You dont necessarily need an attorney, just dont let him take more than 60% of the marital assets. You could get alot more if you used an attorney. Good luck! Cat Link to comment
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