Am I wrong for feeling disgusted?

[Cherisse]

I really need some advice. Last night I was chatting online to the man I have been dating for a couple of months now. We were having a silly conversation and I asked the question, what's the worst sexual experience you've ever had? I was thinking I would get a response about a bad kiss or a BJ but no...It was much worse. At first he wouldn't even tell me so I said that was ok and he didn't have to, but I also said if you don't feel comfortable talking about sex with me, how are we ever going to be intimate together?

 

So after a few minutes he drops this bomb on me. He explains how he was a virgin until he was 25 (he's now 27) and that he was tired of being lonely and fed up with it all and his friend took him to a place where he could pay for sex. He went on to tell me that he did that for about a year (I don't know how often) but I feel completely disgusted. I understand how it is to be lonely and I'm sure he feels awful for dropping to that low, but I don't know if I can continue dating this guy.

 

I kinda freaked out on him and maybe it was wrong of me to but I think most people would have done the same. I appreciate him telling the truth but I had no idea he would be the type of person to ever do anything like that. I asked if he had been tested and when the last time he did it was. He said he is healthy and has no diseases. I don't know if I can believe that. I don't know what to do. This guy has been great to me otherwise, we haven't had sex yet and I don't know if I would ever be able to after knowing this.

 

I just wanted to throw up when he told me. I understand people make mistakes but the whole thing to me feels so unclean and so unnatural. I know he felt disgusted about it himself but still I just don't know what to do. I honestly don't think I could be sexual with him knowing that he slept with a prostitute. Would I be wrong for not wanting to continue on with this relationship? I can't even believe this is really happening to me. Please help!

[agent1607307371]

You wouldn't be wrong for not wanting to continue to see him, that's a personal choice and no one can judge it.

 

What I would say though, is that it took a lot of courage and honesty for him to tell you this, and maybe you could take that into account.

[Mutley]

That was dumb of him to divulge that. Oh well.

[Sunshine311]

This is sort of off topic, and I'm not being judgemental, but is this an internet boyfriend, or someone in real life? Just trying to better understand the situation....

 

Most guys who are a virgin at 25 are that for one of two reasons: 1. Morals and/or religion kept them from having sex, or 2. Something is really wrong with them that no girl wants to have sex with them.

If he got "fed up and just went out and paid for sex" then I'm guessing it's reason number 2.

Again, I know that's not why you're posting, but a little red flag went off in my head when I read you're post.

 

As for your actual question, I agree, I think prostitutes are gross and yucky. But I think it depends on his attitude toward it today. After all, he did say it was his worst experience. If he's clean, no longer does it, and thinks it was just a bad phase of his life that he wants to put in his past, then you should try to do the same.

[jenny_mcs]

Wow, that's tough. I don't think I could continue to date a guy who had slept with a prostitute once, let alone doing it on a regular basis for a year.

 

It sucks, but it's better you found out now.

[rosephase]

If you are really disgusted by it maybe you should get out. Give him a chance to find someone who won't judge him so harshly. I hope that your negative reaction wouldn't make him start to hide it or feel like he is a bad person, but you need to be honest.

[Shawk]

Yeah, I think the courage and honesty it took for him to tell you far outweighs the fact that he did something disgusting like that.

 

He was 25.. and a male, god damn.. id have gone out and did a horse if there were no frickin women around (joke..), No idea how he lasted that long lol.. But yah, the fact that he told you shows he is a trusting guy.. Back in the day everyone payed for sex, doesn't make your great great great great grandfather any less of a man, he is a man and all men have hormones that sometimes take over.

 

Being the first place he had sex, you should take it a little easy on him.. first time is hard for guys and girls, he probably feels like complete crap having to pay for his first time, and now even worse that someone finds him disgusting for it.

[Cherisse]

This isn't an online relationship we just happened to be chatting on IM last night. I have no problem with people who are virgins, or people who waited awhile to have sex. (I myself waited til I was 21 simply because I wanted to) I think because he was insecure about himself and shy that he felt weird around women. I really do appreciate his honesty but at the same time I kinda wish I didn't know. I'm trying not to be judgmental because I understand everyone makes mistakes and he did this before we ever met but it just grosses me out.

[Papillion]

I cannot believe he divulged that to you.

 

His foolishness for telling you that concerns me way more than anything else. What ever was he thinking? Did he think he'd get a good reaction to that? Wow. Jesus.

[southerngirl]

I can understand why you would be disgusted but that took a great deal of courage for him to be honest with you.

 

You obviously really care for this guy and I think you shouldn't drop him because of that.

 

Maybe you shouldn't be asking questions if your not ready for the answers.

 

i will not and have not discussed my past sexual details with my partner, I just don't want to go there. What matters is that we are together now and plan to be each other's only partner from now on.

 

Also it matters if one is disease free before sleeping with him, you should both have a full battery of STD testing, and then again six months later. This way you are both clean and can then begin to have a sexual relationship.

 

His past is his past. your his present and can choose to be his future.

 

My two cents.

[Cherisse]

Yes it was totally my fault for asking.

 

I think more than anything I'm worried about the disease aspect of it, if I saw proof of recent testing maybe then I would feel a little better.

 

I think tonight I will try to talk to him and not be spazzy like I was last night. I know it took a lot of courage for him to admit this to me and I'm sure he is feeling bad and embarrassed.

[southerngirl]

It is important for both of you to be tested anyway. Soo try not to single him out. You can both go and be tested together.

 

I know that this is very personal but when is the last time that you personally were tested for STDs including the HIV virus?

 

Just making a point. You have both been sexually active so to be safe both of you should be tested before having sex. Maybe you can just specify that, and then keep seeing him. its something he did in his past, but if he's no diseases then it shouldn't matter. That is no indicator that he would do it again.

[annie24]

i agree. and maybe he wasn't a virgin because something was really 'wrong with him' as a previous poster said - but maybe he just hadn't met the right girl or was sort of shy. i can understand why you'd feel disgusted about the brothel, but i think he was really genuinely honest.

 

is he still going to brothels? is this something he would do again? those are questions i would have. and yes, STD checks, for both of you!

[Cherisse]

Thanks for the helpful advice everyone

[Clementine orange]

I can't believe he would tell you that...I also can't believe you would ask!!!!

[Mavh25]

I think its a little unfair that you sort of tricked him into telling you, when he was really reluctant to do so, knowing the possible outcome... and then when he does you freak out on him. He must be confused, embaressed.. ashamed as it is... I think you need to hear him out on it.

 

I too would be shocked by it... but would you rather he did'nt tell you?

[ResonanceTheory]

If the reason that you feel disgusted by him or possibly unable to continue the relationship with him is only because you fear disease, that is one thing. If you have no problem with the idea of someone close to you being on the paying end of prostitution, then, Yes, perhaps you can get over this. You can both go get tested together and move on from this episode.

 

However--while the possibility of contracting a disease from this man would certainly weigh heavy on my mind, were I in your shoes (he was, afterall, still seeing prostitutes only a year ago, according to your posts)--the fact that he is the type of person who would see a prostitute once--let alone multiple times over the course of the year (and possibly as the sole source of sexual interaction)--is, in some ways, revealing about his character. I certainly don't want this thread to turn into an anti-prostitution thread or whatever, since I know that's not the question. But I know that, were my boyfriend to divulge to me that he had seen prostitutes at any time in the past, it would change my opinion of him as a person. He would not be who I thought he was. Perhaps that is just a result of the fact that I feel very against prostitution (again, I know some people accept it, that's not the issue). If you are ok with prostitutes and with the idea of someone you love being ok with going to prostitutes, then fine. It is a question of your own morals and standards. Personally, the idea of the diseases would disgust me, but I think that the lack of morals and personal standards in my partner (were he to use prostitutes) would disgust me even more.

[agent1607307371]

 

I think more than anything I'm worried about the disease aspect of it, if I saw proof of recent testing maybe then I would feel a little better.

 

I would definitely ask to see the results of a full set of bloods. Maybe you could go get checked together? STD testing is the new hand-holding?

 

Seriously though, it is good practise.

[lady00]

I would not date someone who has done that in the past. It's just a clash of values thing because I personally believe that a lot of these women in these situations are being exploited and the guys who pay for this stuff are just adding fuel to the fire of an industry that makes its money off of taking advantage of women who don't have as many options as many of us are fortunate enough to have. I've seen a lot of documentaries and read up a lot on this stuff (both about those women who work at the "high end" side and those who work on the "low end" side...there is abuse and exploitation in both) and it has made me come to this conclusion.

 

You are not "wrong" to be disgusted. Feelings are not right or wrong. They just are. You have to decide how important this is to you and if it bothers you a lot, there is nothing wrong with walking away. It's your life. It's your dating choice...and you are entitled to make whatever choices you want to make for whatever reasons as far as deciding whether or not to stay with someone.

[V01D]

"I'm sure he feels awful", "everyone makes mistakes"? Get off your high horse. You used a lame, underhanded, manipulative ploy to get him to admit this, and it backfired on you. Good.

[eleanorrigby1]

sometimes an innocent 'fun' question can bring up all kinds of confessions and this was one painful lesson to learn.

 

I once asked a boyfriend, what was the biggest turn off he ever had, my answer was going to be a guy who wore weird shoes (I was talking funny not sexual!!) and he read it wrong and started to go into detail about going down on a girl who smelt funny and it just bothered me for ages, i didnt like the idea of him doing that with someone else and then i also got paranoid that i smelt funny and became obsessed with hygeine!!

 

I would be disgusted if i found out my boyfriend had paid for sex and i would also feel scared that he may have caught something too.

 

If you want to continue seeing him i would want to know for dEFINATE that he was clean, ie. get tested again for eVERYTHING and let me see the results!

 

but if you dont want to see him again, its your prerogative!

[eTired]

I cannot believe he divulged that to you.

 

His foolishness for telling you that concerns me way more than anything else. What ever was he thinking? Did he think he'd get a good reaction to that? Wow. Jesus.

 

Well it's a double edged sword isn't it? She asks for honesty under the guise of support, and he tells her his mistakes, and she gets angry at him for it?

 

Getting angry fine, but if you want honesty you need to be prepared for anything, otherwise you really don't want honesty.

[Excalibur]

HEre's what I think he's telling you.....

 

Hookers aren't paid for sex...they're paid to go home, or not call endless about "when we are going to see each other again".

 

He's just telling you that he was/is uncomfortable in interaction with women, he didn't know how ot be charming, amusing, witty, and comfortable around them, to get laid via the convention method of "dating".

 

He wanted to rectify his lack of sexual activity - and he did. He didn't pay for sex, he could have gotten it anywhere for the price of dinner and a movie - had he been more comfortable and savvy initiating that level of ocntact, and being comfortable with refusal to see them again if after dates and sex, he didn't find them interesting or appealing.

 

So you're the first woman he's chosen to have sex with that he thought might be worth having more communication and association with...he just didn't want to last 2.5 seconds for months because of his sexual inexperience when he met you.

[ladyblue07]

It's not a pleasant thought to picture your guy with a hooker - BUT it does speak well of his character that he was honest with you.

For that reason, I think he deserves some understanding and a chance.

[Rabican]

Just curious but what would be the difference morally, sexually, medically, whatever realm you want to put it in between a guy who decides to pay a girl for sex and a girl who say sleeps with every random guy she meets at a bar.

 

Ive seen numerous posts on this board about girls who have horrid pasts and every woman on the boards comes to her defense and say well that was before you guys were together, well everyone has a past, well its not that big of a deal etc. etc. etc.

 

Theres also plenty of reasons he could have waited until 25 to have sex. I waited until I was 24... I just didnt date much when I was younger... I was shy which didnt help. When I did start dating I went out with a few girls whom I didnt want to sleep with. But would it make me a monster if I had paid one of them for sex... I dont think so... but maybe Im wrong.

 

If the situation were reversed and it was a girl paying for sex... should she be shunned? I dont think so.