Month romance ends because he's not ready to go at my pace

[erinn]

well, here's my situation. I was dating someone for about a month and it was going amazing, storybook amazing. him texting me or calling to say he couldn't get my out of my head, how he's so happy. Told me he could see this going long term and turn into a serious relationship. Told his family about me and wanted me to meet them. etc....basically, perfect.

 

we had a conversation a few times before we really got into dating as he had just been out of a long term relationship for 4-5 months. He broke it off and assured me that it was completely over and I was not a rebound and he was ready to move on. So I took it for what he said and moved on with him.

 

then last weekend we spent the entire weekend together, first time we had spent that much time together in a few days in a row. We had an amazing time, cooked for each other, saw a movie, went shopping, and then Sunday morning I got up to leave for work and he was very cuddly, kissing my shoulder in bed and said how happy he was. I gave him a kiss and left. Didn't talk all that much that day, and then Monday he didn't text me to say good morning, which was different, so I texted him asking if everything was ok, and he said it was, just focusing on other things, and it was nothing intentional. So Monday night we talk on the phone and I ask him if things are ok with us, as he seemed distant. He said it was. and I told him that it was unlike him to not contact me throughout the day and it worried me. I asked him if he still wanted to pursue this, he said yes, so that was good, and then he said he wasn't sure if he was ready to go at the pace I was going. then I said, ok well what do you want to do then, and he said he didn't know. after a few minutes of that going back and forth he said maybe he wasn't ready for this like I said, maybe I was right and he needs some time. and this was a total shocker to me, as I was NOT expecting this at all. and so I said, well we can slow things down to a pace you want, and he said no he thinks he needs some time to be himself and see what he wants. and i said, ok...but you said you were crazy about me and you liked me, and he said I AM crazy about you, and I do like you. I just don't want to hurt you later on, 3 months down the road when more is invested. I want to take some time and I think you should too. (I just moved to a new city and met him right away) So after seeing if he could change his mind at all I said "Ok, so you don't want to see me again then" and he said no he did, that we could still hang out, as friends. and that really hurt. so then I said "so this is it then, this is for good?" and he replied "...for now" so I said goodnight, have a good sleep and we hung up. I'm absolutely devestated as it's very hard for me to find someone that I connect with, its been so long and I was so happy and really starting to fall for him. so that was monday, today is wednesday and I haven't tried to make contact with him at all, giving him his space, and he hasn't contacted me yet. but how much time does he need, when will he contact me to hang out, or talk about this, or see where we lay? He said he wants to pursue this and he can see it being a long term serious thing. So...what do I do? I don't want to throw this away, this kind of thing doesn't come along every day. Thanks...

[annie24]

i think there's something to be said for going slow and not falling into an 'insta-relationship.' seems like you guys fell into a relationship really fast and he just woke up one day saying, 'whoa - who is this person? i barely know her! and now i'm committed to her?' i'd take a step back, for sure. what do you think happened with him? is he having some troubles in his life?

 

you know, if you really like him and want to give it a shot, i might wait a few days, and send an email or call and say, 'hi - i know we got off to a really fast start, way too fast in fact. what if we went back to square one and just saw each other once a week or so, casually, not so much, and see where things go from there? let's not get into an 'insta-relationship' again.'

 

i don't know if this will work, it's just a thought.....

[erinn]

well just moved locations for his job and really wanted to progress and go somewhere. He was putting in long hours and would go work out after work then be tired and grumpy. He also shares custody of his dog with his ex gf, so he would see her once a week or so and he told her about me and advised her that he was dating someone and he was happy. I was/am ready to go at a faster pace, but only because I've been out of my last long term relationship for just over a year now, so I'm ready. and when he wouldn't contact me or he showed a difference in his contact I would instantly worry. (my ex cheated on me so I have some insecurities)

 

I can't imagine him being so crazy about me and saying all those things and then not wanting to try this out again. I just want to approach it in the best way so I don't scare him off. but he did make it out that this wasn't over...so I just don't know what to do. I'm nervous to call him or talk to him...I'm hoping he'll contact me soon

[annie24]

would you be ok with going slower, going back to 'square one' and seeing each other once a week and talking/texting 1-2 times a week?

[erinn]

most definitely. If I could give this a shot and respect his needs and what he wants, then for sure. I can already tell that with him and what we have it would be worth it.

[Aviatormy]

Well one of two things is going on.

 

He is comfortable knowing that you will not go anywhere so he might be looking for other options (aka looking for another girl and keeping you on the back burner just in case) or, he is afraid of commitment because he fears getting hurt like he did in his last relationship.

 

or possibly a third reason could be that he is actually not over his ex gf and is having second thoughts.

 

People are weird about break ups. A person can trick their mind into thinking that everything is ok with their previous break up and think that they are ready to move on. Some people can fake it for a few years and it eventually hits them that they rushed into a relationship and never gave themselves time to heal. Either way you look at it, if there is not enough greveing time between relationships, you end up being a rebound no matter what.

 

I am sorry you are going through this but I would strongly suggest that you make it really hard for him to earn you back.

 

If he wants to hang out as "friends" like he says, then ABSOLUTELY NO cuddling, kissing, sex, spending the night, holding hands, two hour long conversations, movies where the two of you "lean" into each other and no romantic dinners.

 

If he asks you to do something mentioned above then tell him that you would rather not do anything like that unless you two were official again. Say it with a positive tone like it does not bother you at all and like he has all the time in the world to make up his mind. If you do this then he will think to himself "wow, she is not affected by this at all, I miss kissing and cuddling with her"

 

Also, it is VERY important that you begin to lead your own life throughout this time. Try to make it a point to fill your weekly schedule up with movies, lunches, dinners, manicures, pedicures and other fun things so you can keep your mind off of him for a bit. When he asks you to do something with him, say yes like 50% of the time. After all, he is a friend and you do not drop your personal life for your friends so you should not do it for him. He has to realize that he could possibly lose you while he is taking his time "thinking" about what he wants.

 

Do not be so available to him and make yourself say "no" from time to time. He will either be back in your life within a couple weeks or he will lose you forever.

 

P.S. Date a nice man if he comes along. DO NOT WAIT FOR THIS OTHER GUY!

 

 

Hope this helps. This is honest advice coming from another MAN.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

This happens time and time again...the relationship is rushed, the guy rushes things along in the first month...grand declarations are made and then as fast as it all developed, that's how fast it fades away. No matter how long it has been since a person has been out of a relationship, it is best to take it slowly...because when it is rushed in the first month, it is not really about the person you are with, it is more about feeling happy and relieved to be in a relationship and not be single. He is probably not over his ex...is still trying to process things and was rushing into the relationship in the hopes of forgetting his ex. Naturally that never happens...you have to get over an ex first before getting into a relationship. So the only thing you can do is back off. You have only been together one month...I suspect what you are feeling now is the pain of shattered dreams of a relationship...not necessarily him..but the fact that you thought you were now set and you had a man in your life...those dreams have just been dashed. So just don't bother contacting him...and I would be very careful if he wants "friendship"...since you have already had sex, his idea of friendship might be of the FWB variety and then you will get more hurt as you hope that he will want a real relationship with you.

[Aviatormy]

MY POINT EXACTLY! Great post!

[erinn]

Next time we hang out I'll make sure its not a physical meeting and make it known that I want more then that. I really want to just go back to square one. He was so crazy about me and said he missed me when we were away from each other, so he's gotta be thinking about me and going over things right? He's gotta be missing me since its been since sunday since we saw each other. and I asked him over the phone if it was someone else and he said no, of course not, and then I asked if it was his ex and he said no, definitely not. Things were truly over with her and he was the one that broke it off with her.

 

so just back off, don't contact him and wait for him to contact me? I just wish he would contact me soon, like tonight! I hate this feeling.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

You were only together for one month...so when people who have only been together for one month talk about "oh I miss you because I haven't heard from you in 5 hours" that is the heady rush of romance for the sake of romance...it is really not about the person at this stage....it is too soon. Give him time to think about who you are as a person. When contact is constant in the first month and the people are all over each other like a rash, there is no time to really reflect on who the other person actually is....it is simply the hormones driving the relationship, not the brain. So give him the time to let the brain start working about this relationship...and in the meantime I would really recommend that you also take the time to let the brain rule the hormones. Think about who he really is as a person...do you like HIM as a person, are you compatible with HIM as a person...forget about how he makes your heart go aflutter and how you get horny around him...forget about the excitement when he contacts you...divorce your mind from all those physiological distractions and look at him from a more balanced standpoint. Shiny, sporty cars may look great and you get a thrill riding in them...but the bottom line is whether that car is functional and reliable. The thrill wears off if the car stalls on you all the time.

[Aviatormy]

YES! I am sorry you feel this way. Maybe it WILL turn out to be something special and he really just needs some time to think things over. At least if it does not work out the way you want it to... you only wasted a month. Some people waste YEARS!

 

You are young, have a good heart and you are attractive. A lot more than I can say for other people who have gone through this type of ordeal.

 

Hang in there! you will come out on top eventually even if it is not with him. I have had many relationships where I thought she was "the one". I learned from those experiences and moved on to find someone very special to me right now. We are moving in together this Saturday and have expectations of getting married in a couple years to come. Still, I have learned enough from previous relationships not to get my hopes too high and I know that I can land on my feet if this relationship falls.

 

Best wished to you and HIM.

[erinn]

I really do believe that I do like him for the person he is. He has great family values, he's honest, loves to cook, makes me laugh, has a love for animals, is active like I am, same interests in the bedroom as well as out, get along with his friends, he gets along with mine, etc....it wasn't all just about the physical aspects. the chemistry was good for everything.

 

So given everything I've stated and the position he is in and the one I'm in, does it sound like this will work out?

[erinn]

Thanks...that really does make me feel better. I really hope this works out. I just have to find my patience and let him come to me, I'm just finding myself picking up the phone, or writing him an email and then deleting it and not going through with it.

 

Thanks again

[BeStrongBeHappy]

The part that is problematic here is him saying he wants to be 'just friends'. If all he wanted to do was ramp it back, he could suggest dating once a week, not phoning every day... just less DATING but not ramping it back to just friends.

 

What everybody else has said is good and could be true, but it could also be that he is one of those guys who puts on a full court press to get you into bed for a while, and once he's had some sex, he moves on to the next girl. Many womanizers are like this, they dangle romance and the idea that it could turn into something more very early in the relationship, because it gets the girl into bed faster. Once he's satisfied that curiosity, he's on to the next one.

 

So if you don't really hear from him again (or much), or he only wants to hook up rarely for some FWB sex with no strings, that is what is going on here.

 

The other possibility is that his ex may be making noises about getting back together (that you wouldn't know about). So he put you on the back burner to see if getting back together with the ex sticks or not.

 

So how he behaves over the next while will let you know more of what is going on. Remember that 'just friends' means he owes you nothing, is not responsible to you, can date anyone else he wants. So don't treat him like he's a boyfriend. Keep your own options open and dating other men, and make sure to use safe sex with him if you sleep with him since he could be sleeping with other women too.

[HeartGoesOn]

I agree with what the others have said here. As far as going back to "square one," I'm not sure that will be easy to do, since you've already had sex with him after knowing each other for only a month.

 

Just giving my opinion, but I would never have sex with somone without knowing them for a good period of time, and being in a commited relationship with them.

 

I am in no way judging you, but I've seen many friends get hurt because of, "Let's have sex first...and we'll get to know each other later." I think a relationship has a better chance of working if you take it slowly.

[erinn]

he said that if we did hang out it would be as friends. and that he needs time. I really don't see him as using me for sex. I really honestly believe that he is crazy for me and does care for me. To the point where he told his mom about me and when he would talk to her on the phone while I was there, he'd get off the phone and say hi mom says hi. I honestly think he got scared. I don't see him back with his ex as she is moving for school and he was more then over it. In the mean time, I'm having a hard time coping with this and I feel sick to my stomach and its taking every being in my body to not pick up the phone and call or text him.

 

I just want to know that he will come around, I wish someone had that answer...

 

 

**and we did try to wait to be physical...there is a great connection with us, I really don't doubt that he needed some time

[BeStrongBeHappy]

The fact that you are so 'addicted' to him after one month might be part of the problem. You are sick to your stomach etc., can barely hold back from trying to communicate with him, which is a lot of emotion after only dating someone for one month.

 

You *think* you know him after a month, but you really don't. Perhaps that is his point, that you are jumping in with both feet like he's your soulmate and you need to be in continual contact or you worry, and he senses that you are getting in too deep too soon.

 

At one month you should just be having fun and getting to know each other, not expecting continual contact, and you should still have enough of your own life that you aren't destroyed if he changes his mind. One month really is super early in a relationship, and you are just scratching the surface in terms of deciding whether the relationship should get serious or not.

 

He may sense how dependent you've already become on him, and he doesn't want that deep a relationship when you don't know each other that well. So being friends for a while might actually be a very wise thing, and you need to try to not get too wrapped up in him when you don't know him that well. He may turn out to be what you want, or maybe not.

[erinn]

BeStrongBeHappy,

 

I know you're right. I am very much "taken" with him after a short while. but for me that doesn't happen very often. and I know the need to be in continual contact probably did send him into this. I was thinking and acting like we had been together for MONTHS. but I am truly ready to slow it down, and go at a slower pace, for the sake of it working out.

so I know you're right when you say all this. So I'm hoping that if I leave him alone and let him see that I don't need to be in contact with him will show him that I can take things at a slower pace.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

It has only been one month and you are going into withdrawal. In one month you have only seen the honeymoon side of him...you haven't seen the bad parts yet. One month in and you are now getting into the rough stuff. You went in too deep, too soon and now you are completely in a panic for someone you have only known for one month. Nobody can tell you whether or not this will progress beyond that. Sleeping with someone and chatting with them many times a day within the first month is no guarantee of a long-term relationship. Many, many relationships go bust after only a few weeks, even if there were late night talks, all day contact and lots of sex..it just burns itself out because it was all fantasy and not much reality. Who knows what will happen, whether or not he will come back...but you have to conduct yourself as if it is completely over so that you can live your life.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

BeStrongBeHappy,

 

I know you're right. I am very much "taken" with him after a short while. but for me that doesn't happen very often. and I know the need to be in continual contact probably did send him into this. I was thinking and acting like we had been together for MONTHS. but I am truly ready to slow it down, and go at a slower pace, for the sake of it working out.

so I know you're right when you say all this. So I'm hoping that if I leave him alone and let him see that I don't need to be in contact with him will show him that I can take things at a slower pace.

 

It wasn't only you..he was also acting like the two of you had been together for longer than you really had. He got carried away as well....and that is why he put the brakes on.

[erinn]

I'm at work this morning, and I don't know how long I can stay here for. I still feel so sick, I haven't eaten since Monday afternoon and I just want to pick up the phone and call him and ask him to meet with me!

[erinn]

It's been 5 days NC and he still hasn't called!

 

I'm honestly going crazy. I feel out of control with my emotions and thoughts. I even went to the bar with some friends last night but I wake up with that knot in my stomach. I'm so tempted to call him or text him, but I know I shouldn't. I know 5 days isn't a LONG time, but I honestly expected him to be in contact by now....

 

*I need some words of wisdom! I feel like I could break NC today. somebody smack some sense into me!!!

[erinn]

anyone!!??? Today is a bad day....

[Ellie2006]

Hi erinn,

 

I dont have any words of wisdom but I think his actions may be in line with what BeStrongBeHappy said earlier: it DOES seem a bit suspicious that he'd go from "all" to "nothing" in such a short while. If he had intentions to stay in a relationship with you, only go at a slowER pace than you were, I think he would have tried to contact you in some way.

 

NC is hard BUT sit tight for now, erinn. Maybe you can meet a friend, or go exercising, cook, or clean, or anything?? Something to keep you distracted.

[louhere]

Dont do it - dont contact.

YOU WILL regret it!! How will you feel if he ignores your call,if he is cold to you? So much worse.

 

You are withdrawing that is all - go cold turkey - get it over with and out of your system.