PLEASE READ THIS......Maybe you can help

[money96]

I am a twenty nine year old married man with two children. Prior to getting married, I was in the Marine Corps for four years. While activated I traveled all over the world. (Very unstable). When I got out I knew what I thought I wanted. I wanted to be married and I wanted children and some stability. Very soon after deactivation, I met my present wife. She was a great person and I knew right away that she had a level head on her shoulders and that I could love her. Without her in my life I know that I would never have made it to the point I am now as we have been through so much together. After about 1 year we moved in together. After about 3 months of living together I asked her to marry me. Soon after she was pregnant. It was at this point that I felt she began to reject my sexual advances. I am a very sexual person and I remember taking this personally. This went on long after we had our first child and I remember thinking to myself why is she doing this to me. I am a personal trainer at a health club and what irritated me the most was that it seemed I had no problem finding other girls who seemed to be attracted to me but my own wife was not. There was definitely a transition I went through and I remember slowly becoming less and less attracted to her and eventually not even wanting to be with her anymore. Aside from the sex, there were other problems. She had a habit of telling me white lies all the time. When I discovered that she was lying she would cover up the lies with more lies. I told her that what made me angry was the fact that she felt the need to lie about the smallest things. It seemed not to stop. I cannot begin to tell you in words the FRUSTRATION I FELT with the way she made me feel. I felt like I was crazy and no matter how much I told her nothing seemed to change. On top of all of this I don't get along with her family. I am a people oriented person and I can get along with anybody, but her family I could not win over. There were times I would come in to her house and nobody would say hi to me. I discussed this with my wife, and she always seemed to make excuses as to why it was ok for them to treat me like that. It was one thing after another with her family. Looking back, I remember time after time telling my wife that I wasn't happy and wanted to leave. I even remember telling her that if nothing changed I felt I would fall for another woman but she never seemed to listen. Excuses were big with my wife and I am not about excuses. When my wife and I would get into arguments, she would do one of two things, Lie or make excuse after excuse. IT WAS HORRIBLE.

Last summer, I felt it was finally time for me to leave. Right about that time I had become a new hire at a health club in my area. I met someone there innocently enough who had happened to get hired about a week after myself. (She is 22 years old). In the beginning there was nothing but friendship, we would talk about work and things like that. Eventually our conversations turned into discussions about our relationships (she had a boyfriend) and how similar they both were. Soon after there was an obvious attraction to each other. We were always together, we worked out together, and we began talking on the phone to each other at night. We both went on a business trip together and this is where we had our first encounter. While on the trip it seemed as we sat next to each other she was sitting very close to me as if trying to tell me something. We went to lunch together and just talked and laughed. After the day was over, we went for a few drinks at a local pub. It was here that we both opened up about the feelings we had for each other. It was such a relief to know that she felt the same way I did about her. It was one of the most unforgettable days in my life and I will never forget it. I can't tell you what time exactly it happened, but I felt that day that she woke me up inside and showed me that there was something I was missing in my life…happiness. That is when we kissed. That was it for about two weeks and to be honest at this point it wasn't necessarily her that I needed, I just wanted to be happy like that. Soon after I had a get together at my house and that is when it went all the way. Slowly after that our relationship meant more and more to me and I felt better than I HAVE EVER FELT IN MY LIFE. Just looking at her made me smile. When we talked we would laugh together all the time. I actually looked forward to going to work every day and throughout our time together nothing has changed. I felt the need to tell my wife though, as I wanted her to have the chance to make her own decision about leaving and to get the opportunity to feel the happiness I felt. So I did. Of course she had some idea, but she was hurt nonetheless. She told me she wanted to work things out, and as a husband who vowed to stay with her till death do us part I tried. I ended it with the other girl, which was extremely difficult. I know that It may be difficult to understand but IT IS IMPORTANT THAT YOU REALIZE THROUGHOUT THIS THAT I AM A MAN OF HIGH CHARACTER AND INTEGRITY AND ANYONE WHO KNOWS ME INCLUDING MY WIFE CAN VOUCH FOR THAT. This is something I never entered into marriage thinking I would do. Anyway, those three weeks that I was apart from her were extremely difficult. I went on an emotional roller coaster ride and seeing her the same way hurt. We stopped talking almost completely and it was hard. I can't remember when it happened but we ran into each other and starting talking and midsentence started to kiss. I can tell you now that looking into her eyes I felt something that I had not experienced in such a long time that I cant even tell you that I ever did for sure. It felt perfect. Holding her in my arms and kissing her again was a rush. I didn't think it was even possible to feel like that I felt like I was dreaming. That is when I knew that I couldn't stop and that it was not about sex. She told me that she would stick with me to the end. She said the fact that I had kids didn't bother her. She has told her sister's about me and they seem ok, but hasn't said anything to her parents. I am scared because every one seems to have something negative to say. We feel a strong bond with each other and I don't necessarily know if it is love but it must be close. I told my wife that I thought we should not stay together as I had feelings for someone else and that I could not let her go until I followed through with these feelings. She said that she would move out in the New Year and for the first time in my life I was ok with that. I mean I had said it before but wasn't sure if I meant it. I told my wife that I did not want to stay with her if it was because I was comfortable, and also if it was because I was scared to be on my own but didn't want to make a mistake either. This is where I find myself now. I am scared to leave someone I love, (my wife) who I know I love though that does not necessarily mean we are compatible as husband and wife. I don't talk to much of my family as much as most do so losing her would be hard. I have gone over every scenario in my head, but it doesn't help much. I am scared of living on my own, paying child support and being by myself, as my wife is the prime moneymaker. I got out of the military and feel I sacrificed school for a family which I don't regret but I don't know what I would do on my own. I also don't want to lose her, as a BEST FRIEND because there is no doubt that she is at least that. Hopefully someone has had a similar situation and can give me some input, but if nothing else writing this has made me feel a heck of a lot better. Thanks.

[Colls]

You have done the right thing. You knew you werent happy in your relatioship with your life, so you had to get out of that. Yes you will have to pay child support, but you child may be a lot happier without fightint parents, or jsut parents who dont get along.

 

From what you have said you really love this other girl. Being away from her for a few weeks, made you come to the realization taht you dont want to live your life without her. IMO she will make u much much happier than your wife. There is no need to spend your life bein miserable with a wife who wont even give you the time of day. Good decision. And good luck.

[Mar]

I won't lecture you on cheating on your wife.....everyone knows that's wrong. But I can also understand the desire to be with someone who obviously cares about you when you don't get that same caring and understanding at home.

 

At this point, you've told your wife about your infidelity, and that's a good thing. But you also seem very conflicted in that you want a relationship of some sort with your wife AND with this new woman. Can't really have it both ways, unless all parties are amicable to the idea. I understand that it's scary being on your own, but that's one of the consequences of this sitation. If you aren't willing to try another approach such as counselling or just spending more time with your wife and trying to hash out your differences, then you need to move out and end some of the hurt on her part. After all, it's going to be very hard on her knowing that she's living with someone who wants someone else!

 

 

 

If your wife is amenable to friendship, then so be it. But leave that up to her, don't force the issue. What I TRULY suggest is that you try to make a change in the marriage and not throw away her and your children for someone new, appealing as this new person is. That's going to have a huge impact on everyone involved, and it's like the old saying goes: "Act in haste, repent at leisure." Make VERY sure this is what you want before going ahead with it, as you generally can't go back once it's done. You CAN, but there are trust issues there that weren't before, and which are very hard to work out.

 

Also, I gather that you haven't been seeing this new woman for very long-everyone feels that "rush" of new feelings and intensity before it settles down into a more familiar relationship with the petty differences and such. How do you know the same thing won't happen with this new woman, i.e. the differences you're having with your wife now? Think back to when you were first attracted to your wife-I'm quite sure you were feeling almost that same rush of love and affection and the feeling that she was perfect for you.

 

I don't mean to sound so negative, but I hate seeing people throw away a good relationship with small differences over someone new that they think is going to be "better" in some way. If your wife has a problem with sex, have you asked her what it is? Suggested she see a sex therapist? Tried finding out what would please her and if there's an issue with you she's having that she's afraid to tell you of? And as for the lying, you said they were "white lies", which implies that they aren't anything major. Everyone tells white lies, myself included. It's a form of protection when you generally don't want to hurt the person you love, so you make up some small lie to cover that up and possibly avoid a fight. And no, it's not right to do so!

 

I can't stress it enough: think about what you'd be losing as opposed to what you THINK you'll be gaining, and what possibly could happen in the future, in that this new woman could turn out to be as incompatible with you as you think you are with your wife now. You've already said you love your wife......you took those vows of "till death do us part" seriously, or so you said. That means you do EVERYTHING in your power to ensure that that relationship lasts, and don't run when things get difficult or seem insurmountable.

 

IT IS IMPORTANT THAT YOU REALIZE THROUGHOUT THIS THAT I AM A MAN OF HIGH CHARACTER AND INTEGRITY AND ANYONE WHO KNOWS ME INCLUDING MY WIFE CAN VOUCH FOR THAT.

 

If this is true, as you say it is, then you won't give up on your marriage so easily. Integrity and high character include fighting for what you believe in-you've stated how important family is to you, yet you're ready to put yours aside for someone else. I wish you the best of luck and sincerely hope that you can find a new path with your wife, and won't regret any hasty decisions you may make. Just think about the one thing you said at the beginning of your post:

 

When I got out I knew what I thought I wanted. I wanted to be married and I wanted children and some stability. Very soon after deactivation, I met my present wife. She was a great person and I knew right away that she had a level head on her shoulders and that I could love her. Without her in my life I know that I would never have made it to the point I am now as we have been through so much together

 

You got what you wanted, someone who's supported you and who's been by your side in rough situations. She can still be that person, if you give her a chance!

 

Mar

[kdreger]

Phew.

 

I've been where you are mate (minus the other woman).

 

I wasn't happy and I struggled with it. In the end I left. Yet, looking back I could have done thing differently and I have regrets. As well, I miss my two boys dearly at times (I miss out on a lot of their life - like parts of their Xmas) BUT these pains are selfish ones - you will suffer for YOUR loss and your want of this other woman.

 

You have to stop looking at your happiness for a moment and look at theirs. Some people will say that you should stick it out for the kids but decide if your kids will be happy when you and your wife obviously aren't. If you think you can overcome these things that effect your marriage then try to for your kids. If it's too far gone - don't beat a dead horse. Make the most of it.

 

Leaving won't be easy, lord knows, but it has to be done if everyone is unhappy. That said, if you do leave, be strong and PROMISE YOURSELF that your seperation will not mean that you don't spend ALOT of time with your kids. Don't worry about your wife, she's a grown woman and it takes two to end a marriage. Worry more about your kids and make sure they don't suffer for all this.

 

No matter what she says she'll get angry eventually and it will be stormy. Make sure you get a good lawyer and your protect your rights as a father. Give up material items to protect your rights to see your kids and make their lives less hectic throughout this.

 

Most of all, remember you only live once, and although you should try not to cause pain for other people, do what makes you happy.

[Darkness Falls]

Hi mate, I have been trying to write a message about something similar for a little while now and can't put it all down as there is so much to say and if your frank so much to admit that you lose the thread very quickly. Anyway enough about me this is about you. You can't have your wife as your best friend and be with the other woman. Unless the other girl is incrediably understanding she will feel that you would rather be with your wife. I don't want to sound nasty but paying for your children should not be at the fore front of your mind, yeah sure you'll have to pay but this is taken in to account with the money you make and what you can afford as well as whether your wife is working or not after you both split, well it does in my country anyway (not in the USA). You have to think long about what leaving your wife means i.e. if she has main custody of the children and moves somewhere far away from you can you accept that? I think one question that you need to answer is do you want to be with your wife? As you do not seem to sure whether you want to be apart from her. If you are unsure you should think about this a lot more, have you tried marriage guidance? Have you thought about how much time is taken up being with your kids? As this will take up a lot of time that you and the other girl would may be like to be together. Are you ok with the idea that your wife sees other men?

 

I am sorry if my reply doesn't seem to include your girlfriend but she is young and sounds like she has a good personality so she will meet another if you don't hurt her by staying together without thinking about what this means and how you may feel in the future.

 

My message sounds like I have stayed with my wife and this is not the case but these things are things I have had to think about, one way or another, and so should you.

 

All the best mate and I hope your life works out where everyone is happy.

[Johnny_has]

I do help Darkness falls. It's just that too many people here write posts as long the BIBLE and they don't use paragraphs and sometimes not even punctuation. Needless to say myself and some others don't even bother to read through the diatribe.

 

I can't stand reading these massive threads(alot of other people can't either) when they don't use paragraphs. It gives people headaches.

[arizonasun]

My husband and I are on the site now for the first time. We came accross your message and can't believe the similarities in our own lives. Without going into detail we were where you are now. We got married quickly/young, followed the same path with the children, and realized that we didn't spend enough time up front with each other before taking on all of the additional responsibilities. My husband had an affair. It devistated me and it really tested our marriage. Though he did consider leaving as well (I did) - (my husband wanted me to put that in there) - he and I sought out some professional help and have worked through it. It has been 2 years and though it still comes up every once in a while, we are happy with the choice that we made.

My husband can totally relate to your infactuation with this other girl - but he wanted me to tell you just that - she is a girl. She does not do, I am sure, the day to day things that make your life easier that your wife does. It does sound like your wife was/is slightly immature too, but it also sounds like she is worth something to you. Fight for her, fight for your children. In the end, my husband does not regret his choice (I don't). We are stronger because of it. Remember this - life is always changing, it never stays the same. The same goes for people. The things that don't change are the basis of who we are as individuals. You obiously feel very strongly for your wife and seem, according to you, a man who doesn't walk away - who has integrity. This is just one of those life challenges that tests that. I guess if you are as strong as you say (and apparently your wife agrees) you are - your family is worth fighting for. Good luck. And I hope you have as much success as we have.

[Heatrae]

I am the 'other woman' you speak of in your story. I was happy to come accross your post and you sound EXACTLY like my married lover. Your insight has helped me to understand some of what he is going through. I would beg you to read my thread (for a perspective from the 'other woman's side) and see if I can be of any help to you, and if you can offer me some additional insight into what I can do to help my own situation. My thread is called, "Affair dragging on...no sexual contact" under the cheating forum.

 

I would really appreciate it and wish you the best.

 

In closing I will tell you that life is too short to spend it with someone you're not in love with, nor that can give you what you need. You will always be a father to your children, but you are putting yourself LAST in your marriage. You deserve a fulfilling relationship with a woman.