Online Dating - Is it for you?

[kdreger]

Are shallow, unrealistic, ignorant or rude? If so, online dating may be for you.

 

Yes, online dating, a way of meeting people without actually meeting people.

 

Ever want to get over someone without having to deal with your issues? Instead, would you rather torment someone else with endless stories of your ex while pretending to have interest in them? Great! Then join thousands of others in your position on online dating.

 

You can:

1) Have unrealistic expectations

2) Lie about yourself, sorry I mean, sell yourself

3) Post the best photo you have knowing that you'll never have to really meet them so they won't see the real you

4) Decide to chat or not chat on a whim - rudeness doesn't exist online because everyone does it!!

 

Wait! There's more!

 

If you happen to come accross someone who is actually interested in finding a meaningful relationship, you can force them to become like you or leave feeling unattractive and worthless.

 

Isn't technology grand!

[Cid]

lol.

 

My I ask what brought this up?

[kdreger]

I was chatting with a female friend and we were discussing our experiences. hahhaah

[Cid]

Ok makes sense now

[Slagar]

Rofl

That sounds about right, yeah.

 

I am sure it has worked out for SOME people... I think realistically, it is not worth the trouble though. Perhaps it is possible to make a friend online, and eventually become more, especially if you live close by... but if I wanted to find love, the last place I'd look would be online dating...

[neva_black_n_white]

i agree with the above, friendships may be found but its those who are dedicated and believe in whats being told 100% that will gain a relationship. but then if lies are involved as you mention do they really want that other person.

 

people on the net are great but they may be false, its nice to believe that some people are who they say they are but there is going to be doubt.

you hit it on the head with how ive experianced it and thereforeeee i think mates are all i require. the real world has flase people why look within the virtual to find the minor percentage of real.

 

lifes a challange though, so lets try it out.

kel

[The Morrigan]

"Presenting - the other side of the coin!"

 

Just like anywhere - a lot of it depends where you meet people. And face it, folks, some of us who don't "fit" many of the common preconceptions for our "typical" interests in age groups or other demographics etc have found the internet to be a blessing. Sure, if you meet people mostly in chat rooms or meeting spots, you're going to get the majority there trying to make an impression, and many who are looking to "hook up" with someone. You get similar at many scenes in the "real world" though - go somewhere that a lot of players are bound to be, you're gonna run into them.

 

This is just my experience but... I had to move within the past year. Know how many of my "real life" friends stayed in touch and offered support? One. Yes, ONE. Now, these are people I've known for over 6 years. They aren't hampered by the lack of a phone or email. Instead, it was most definitely a case of "out of sight, out of mind" though that didn't mean out of the gossip run, as I discovered. Even though I'd moved here prior to actually being separated - they were encouraging my husband to find himself a gf!!! (I was taking care of my dad, fyi, not running around!) The ones who stuck by me, offering to try to get time off work or school and travel to help out if necessary? My friends I'd made over the net! And this continues til today - so I'd have to say it depends on how and where you meet, and what you're looking for at the time. We met through mutual interest groups, and the friendships branched off from there.

 

While I've definitely SEEN people who really misrepresent themselves on the net, I can't say I've run into many more of them there than people who misrepresent themselves in other situations. Of course there's going to be people who abuse the internet and don't consider there's a real person on the other end they're talking to - but how many of us haven't run into similar types of people in the real world? Anyone who would misrepresent themselves here - I wouldn't trust not to be misrrepresenting themselves elsewhere as well, if someone's saying they're interested and available etc to someone on the net when they're not for example - they're running the same scam on the person they're with on the other end.

 

Just means you have to take into more careful consideration where you meet people online and what their intentions might be since it provides them with a nice opportunity. Especially places it's almost expected.

 

And I for one am heartily tired of being told "friends on the internet can't be your real friends" and similar sentiments. They can be, and they are.

 

*steps away from soap box*

[Mar]

I fully agree with the Morrigan. My fiance and I have been together for 2 and a half years. How did I meet him? Online. We've been living together since about a month after I met him in person, and he NEVER misrepresented himself to me online from who he actually was.

 

Same thing goes for friends. One of my oldest friends is the first person I ever chatted with online, and we still have close contact to this day, even with him now being in Iraq. Will we ever meet? Doubt it. But does that mean that we don't care about each other and tell each other our worries/fears/good/bad stories? Nope.

 

Yes, there are a lot of frauds on the internet. Anyone who's spent any time in a chat room can tell you that there are scumbags out there who are preying on children, looking for cybersex, etc. And people are rude! There's the conception for a lot of folks that, as someone else said, since they're never going to meet the person they're speaking to, there's no need to have manners. Wrong again. You NEVER know who knows who, and I've heard stories of people tracking down someone who was awful to them online and threatening them, either with lawsuits or threatening them personally.

 

And yes, there's misrepresentation as to looks, as well, or personalities are shown that aren't who someone is in "real life." I drove 16 hours to meet someone I'd been talking to online, and while I knew he was a little "clingy", I didn't think it was an issue. Met him, came back up here, and suddenly he was practically stalking me, calling me at work, asking my coworkers where I was, who I was with, calling me at home telling me he couldn't eat or sleep because he was thinking about me, how, if he ever came up here to live, "the police will have to take me away because I'll never leave your side willingly." WHOA. Luckily for me he had no car, and I'd never given him my address. Then he found out I was talking to my fiance and proceeded to flame me in a couple of e-mails, and I never heard from him again. Lesson here? Be very, VERY careful of who you meet online!!

 

But is it all bad? No, definitely not. There are some wonderful, supportive people online, such as right here at this forum. Would I not speak to anyone here because of bad past experiences with people lying on the 'Net? Of course not. I'm just more cautious now in who I tell what things. And that's all anyone has to do. There are a million ways to meet people online, and some great friends to be made, same as real life. Just take your time in getting to know them first!

 

Mar

[kdreger]

Darn optimists .

 

Seriously though, I'm sure there are positive stories out there.

 

I just wouldn't go into online dating with rose colored glasses, as if it's a sure thing and will be a great positive experience.

 

I think you really show your character online where being disrespectful and rude has no immediate consequences and a lot of people disconnect their online persona with their real self. True respect is given in spite of there being an "audience" and is given because it's (god forbid) the right thing to do.

[The Morrigan]

Oh no, it's not a sure thing, but then - what is?

 

Of course you have to temper optimism with caution - particularly where you're dealing with someone you're not face to face with - but on the plus side, a lot of people I've met tend to show their "warts" more readily and quickly online than off - where sometimes it takes quite a while to talk about anything personal and see people's quirks on a "date." I look at it two ways - on the plus side, there's a lot more "common interest" places to meet on the net, where you know you'll start with something in common to talk about, and conversations tend to run into more personal things with less awkwardness; on the negative, yes, since you can't see the person, you have to allow more time as a general rule to really determine if this person is real or not. And then there's always the chance that when you do meet, the chemistry doesn't match up to the personality clicks.

 

Dating in general is negotiating a lot of pitfalls though - nothing worthwhile is ever all that easy!

[Ash]

I think you really show your character on line where being disrespectful and rude has no immediate consequences and a lot of people disconnect their on line persona with their real self.

 

I'm sorry, but I'm really struggling with the above statement. To me, it seems as though two opposites are being stated. Either your on line persona IS the real you, and it tends to be more rude and disrespectful, OR your on line persona is NOT the real you, and it's disconnected.

 

True, there may sometimes appear to be no immediate consequences, but I think there are long term ones. Long term for both us, and the person we've interacted with. What would happen if, say, the first 10 emails we ever got in out life were vicious attacks on us? We might think the first email we send out would be of the same style, very negative. That's a bit of an extreme example, but the cumulative effect is the same.

 

If everybody starts being rude and nasty on line, it will turn into a permanently negative environment. That's a long term consequence. People remember negatives to a certain extent, and are often stubborn about letting go, so they keep the chain alive, as it were. Eventually it comes full circle, and our in-boxes would become filled with stuff we really don't want to read (spam excluded!!)

 

If, on the other hand, we are open and honest, from time to time we'll get hammered by somebody, but in general, we'll get treated with respect by others. The average politeness of the Internet goes up as a result ...

 

On-line dating is the same. Either there's a level of truth and trust, or there isn't. WE are the inputs to that. WE determine if it's good or bad.

 

As for being whimsical, yes, as an individual in the real world, I do have a conscious decision about whether I chat or not. An example, some managers have open door policies, some it's always shut. Same choice in the real world as in the virtual. If I'm busy, I wave and pass by. If I've a moment to spare, I ask about the kids, or how the new car is. These are choices we make everyday. Possibly they're more formalized on line.

 

In the real world, I can annoy somebody with a single gesture or look, far faster than in the virtual world.

 

Also, in the real world, if I'm going to a place I want to impress people, I wear my best shirt, best pants, make sure I'm as well presented as I can be. Do all the things to detract from my weaknesses and accentuate my strengths. The dating site picture is no different, and often, pictures are a poor imitation of real life anyway, seldom do they look better than the real person, because a real person is dynamic, and a picture is just static.

 

Have I ever been to an on line dating site or similar? No. Will I ever go? Depends on circumstance, but I'm not scared to contemplate it, and I like to think I can figure out who's on the other end at some point. The risks are different. I understand that, and would account for it.

[Derek]

Let me start out saying I have never done the cyber relationship thing.

But I have met new friends online and met them in real life later too.

Sounds like I made the right choices so far compared to the first bitter post.

 

I think the Internet can be useful to get people together that have similar interests, and things in common can build out of that.

 

But it is bad news if you are just trolling chat rooms because of boredom.

Chat rooms seem like a waste of time. Motives are unknown. People

could just be playing games for the fun of the game.

 

Seems to me that moving from the Internet virtual world to the real world (phone/meet) quickly and safely would be in the best interests of the persons involved. Quickly they can be "real" and either accept or reject and not waste time. Don't waste time on people that aren't relatively local.

 

BTW, why do we bother to regress from the 2 way technology of the phone to a primitive serial chat interface? Anonymity? Cost as well

if not local I assume. (Though there is video and internet voice chat now)

If chatters talked on a phone like thing, it wouldn't take long to know you are talking to a 12 year old instead of a 25 year old etc. )

 

(BTW, about phones, Ladies don't give out your home numbers/emails until you are sure you are safe.)

 

 

 

[gex08]

That`s priceless!-and true...Most of the guys I met wanted to cry about their former girlfriends-which made me a little impatient,I admit!I mean,why dothey want to talk to me if they`re still hung up on their old girlfriend?...I was one of those who actually did want a meaningful relationship-and I thought I`d found it-but within a month,this incredible guy had turned into a filthy-minded monster...the worst part is I feel guilty-he says my innocence brought out this side of him,that he was normal sexually before he met me(which I`m not sure I believe).And yes,he did force me to become like him for a while-but I still felt unattractive and worthless afterward(which is how he wanted me to feel-this guy`s on a perverted power trip,andit seems to me he`s got a lot of anger towards women.)..I`m in a lot of pain right now because of online dating,but I`m trying to laugh about it-so I can get over it-thanks!

[PAdreamer]

Hehehe... I think in most cases this is true. I happen to be one of the lucky few who have had a very successful online relationship. Happily I can say that neither of us approached it with the intention of running away from something else. It was a casual, accidental meeting that just happened to bring us together.

[Mermaid]

Sheesh, I seem to be following PA through every thread in this section! (Hey, girl!)

 

Anywaaaay, I have to agree with The Morrigan. I'm 28 and from childhood have had trouble relating to my peers. I was quite popular, mind you, but I never liked my friends as much as they liked me: I found them shallow and boring. So when, as a teenager, I discovered the Internet, I suddenly had the chance to "meet" people of all ages, races and locations with whom I shared some common interests, from the esoteric to the common.

 

Over the years, some of my closest (now longterm) friends in real life began online.

 

But we're discussing romance, here. Like PA, I met the love of my life online almost three years ago. Did I set out to do that? Hell, no. I thought online romances were for weirdos (and to be honest, I'm still skeptical until an online couple has met in person). But I was introduced to a great guy with whom I became very good friends online and, eventually, on the phone. We were so alike in so many ways that I felt as though I'd met a male version of me.

 

We were lucky enough to meet after awhile, and our friendship moved to real life, with IMs and the phone as a way to bridge the distance gap when we couldn't be together in person. Eventually, our friendship evolved into much more and we're currently planning our future and about to get engaged (he's basically told me that a proposal is coming in July, when we next see each other). We visit each other for two or three weeks at a time every 3-4 months, and our families and friends are incredibly supportive of our relationship. (We were each welcomed into each other's families with open arms.)

 

So it can absolutely work. But it's definitely a crap-shoot. All matters of the heart are, but there are additional factors to complicate things begun online. So my advice to anyone who is considering it? Be careful, meet in person before you give your heart away, and make sure you truly know the person's core--not just the online persona they present to you.

[PAdreamer]

Hi hun! Sorry I missed you earlier!

[HappyGoAway]

i love that quote, thank you

[musicguy]

I meet a lot of girls online and my friends don't like the idea. In fact we just had this discussion this afternoon. I mean it's like meeting someone in perron, you still have to be cautious about who you meet.

[Kyoshiro Ogari]

I cannot date anyone online. I can't even meet anyone online. I get 20-25 matched per week according to our profiles, and then I write a small 1-2 paragraph introduction letter. They thank me for the kind words, compliment me on my humor and ask for a picture. No problem, it is only fair. I e-mail them my picture and then *poof* they're gone. No response back. Nothing. Not even a "you're not my type." What a crock of ess aich eye tee! The next time someone tells me that looks do not come into play with online dating I am going to tell them to go to hell with a fur coat.