Boyfriend Cheap??

[emma34]

I'm in a bit of a situation with my boyfriend right now, and I'm sort of looking for an outside perspective.

he has been pretty much living at my apartment for the last 4 months. I say pretty much because he does not have any furniture here, and he does not pay for rent or food. Sometimes he will help me with the dishes and he has taken the garbage out a couple times when I've asked him but that's about it. He doesn't eat here a lot, but probably has meals here about 5 or 6 times a week.

 

We briefly talked about this the other night, and he has agreed to 'contribute' more the the house.

 

We have always tried to keep things equal financially as far as going out for dinner and things like that. Except I'm finding over the last while, say a month or so, it's me that's paying for dinner when we go out, and buying him drinks when we go out with friends. It seems he never has cash or doesn't bring his wallet with him.

 

I've also noticed that it seems to me, often, he is borrowing money from his friends. For example, last week a few of us went to his friends house and had drinks. I had assumed my boyfriend had paid for the beer and was drinking, and later on, it came up that in fact his friend had paid for our beer. Or for example, last night we went to a concert and I kept buying him drinks because he asked me too, then he came up later that his friend had just lent him money earlier. To me it seems, if you have no money, maybe you shouldn't drink, not just borrow money from everyone else.

 

Anyway, last night (after a few drinks) I said that I was sick of his mooching off everyone. He got REALLY offended and stormed off, saying how pissed off he was. When we got "home" (my place) I wouldn't let him in. I said "as far as I'm concerned, I live alone until you pay rent, and I'm not letting you in if you are going to be like this".

 

About 10 minutes later I look out and he is still sitting there. He is crying, crying really hard. This upset me so much I let him in and tried to calm him down. He was so hurt he could hardly stop crying. I, of course, felt terrible.

 

I should note that he does do things for me, and back when I was going to school, he drove me to school every once in awhile, so gas money I suppose should be noted.

 

We sort of made up, but I basically tried so much to make him feel better, than we didn't really conclude anything. Just talking about it doesn't help, because he gets so offended. He defends himself and says not to worry about his relationship witih his friends. He definitely doesn't agree when I mention how he barely pays for things.

 

I don't want to hurt him. I love him so much, and if him being cheap is just part of who he is, I totally still accept him. Somedays I feel taken advantage of instead taken care of.

 

What can I do?

[Aschleigh]

It's a bad sign. He's not pulling his weight. Imagine when the stakes get higher, there is rent on a shared place you got together or their are kids or other expensive things involved. And he needs you to pay for thing . The stress it puts on you, and all his relationships is a lot. You actually did the right thing but telling him what you need.

He's not ready to contribute, then he's not ready to have a girlfriend or live with someone.

Maybe he's been raised with people who did everything for him and he never learned . It sucks but this relationship isn't going to go anywhere good.

[hers]

Is there a reason why he should be borrowing money? Is he having financial problems like with work or debt? I agree if you don't have the money he shoudln't drink. Have you said as much to him (without being nagging or confrontational)?

 

Definitely do not bring any of these issues up if either of you has been drinking--that will only make it worse and more emotional (as the last encounter proved).

[Hope_Springs_Eternal]

BIG RED FLAG..theres something going on that he's not telling you

[rosephase]

Where do you get money from? Where does he? Are you both in college? working? There might be more going on here then you think. Do you have money in your family, does he? by his reaction I would take it that this is a big deal to him to... did he grow up poor? Take a look at this stuff before you label him "cheap"

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I think you need to talk to him to find out why he never has any money and why he is expecting you and his friends to pay for all his drinks. If he turns on the waterworks again, or gets angry, don't allow him to make you feel guilty. People who know they are wrong often create big drama in order to deflect the conversation. That is exactly what he is doing. He needs to own up. If he is having financial problems, there are ways to sort that out. You can't keep covering for him. I would suggest you leave his friends out of it since that is their issue. Just focus on him not pulling his financial weight with you.

[NewPhillyGuy]

Was in a very similar situation before with a girl I was dating. She was living with me, and pretty much contributed nothing to cover living expenses. To make matters much worse, she also expected to be taken out alot, wanted me to drive her to her parent's place almost every other weekend, and they lived about 2 hours away. I was just out of college, not making alot of money, and she took advantage of me big time.

 

Don't be fooled by the crying. Your b/f needs to cover half of the living expenses, or at least as much as he can given his finances. The fact that he never has money is concerning too. He shouldn't be out drinking. That money should be put toward the living expenses. His priorities are way off.

 

I think you have every right to kick him out until he turns the situation around.

[greeneyedgal]

Oh my goodness! It felt like I was reading my own post from a year ago - in fact I thought someone had cut and pasted it till I got 3/4 of the way through it! I can totally relate to this - in fact I am still suffering the fallout from this exact kind of situation.

 

I had my own place - new bf started hanging around way heaps - ask for hangers in my cupboard - and we were sharing food and facilities so when I asked him for some contribution to it - the proverbial hit the fan - he though I was 'money digging' - it was more the fact that I was struggling as a single women to pay my own bills let alone more of his share. I didn't even ask for him to pay half rent just some money to help cover extra food/bills.

 

He told me he had his own place and that why should he pay money at both places? The difference here was that he HAD plenty of his own money including savings of a little over a year's salary. I could not comprehend his miserliness. At the end of all this - I ended up telling him the rent increased and was getting too much for me to pay alone if he was not going to 'move in' . I asked if I could move into his sharehouse so that we could both save some money and get an apartment of our own together to start afresh - a month after moving into his house - he breaks up with me.

 

I could not understand how for 4 months - I was ok to hang out with in my own pad while he begrudgingly paid me two lots of money and then poof - he suddenly lost interest. What the hey? It's very frustrating - he has saved so much money because he has been tight with it - it's probably for the best we didn't work out - imagine a lifetime with someone like that? It's not worth the trouble!

 

This aside, I've had bfs rack up credit card debts with me, gamblers - it's best to leave them on the kerb where they belong - you don't need this hassle in your life.