My ex who I haven't spoken to for 4 months just e-mailed me

[Iwantittoend]

So I dated this girl 3 separate times. Each time she broke up with me, and all the break ups were over BS reasons. The last 2 times she broke up with me through myspace The last time we were together was for about 6 months. I haven't talked to her AT ALL since the break up happened, and pretty much wrote her out of my life. Out of nowhere, I found this e-mail in my inbox today...

 

"Hey *my name*,

 

I know you probably hate me, but please, please read this. It's been almost 4 months since we last talked. Things ended abruptly and basically came out of nowhere. Going into the Air Force, I was deeply in love with you. But for some reason when you flew down to see me, it just wasn't the same anymore. I didn't feel that same spark that we used to have. I made it out to be that you were the one not being supportive of me, but I did it because I just wanted to let you down easily. I was stupid and immature. Things happened so fast that I really didn't have time to think about it.

 

If you would be okay with it, I could really use a friend right now. I know you hate me, and I really don't blame you, but I didn't mean for things to happen the way they did. Everything bad was happening all at once and it still is. You are the one friend I am comfortable talking to and you hold a special place in my heart. I just need a friend right now as long as you are willing to still be my friend. I am really stressed out with a lot of things.

 

Basically ever since we split, my life has been going in a downward spiral. I've been depressed. I hate myself for doing something to someone I feel so dearly about. You were not only my boyfriend, but my best friend as well. I loved you with all my heart and I miss the warmness and caring attitude you always gave to me. You were there for me through the good and bad times, and I treated you like crap. I am so sorry *my name*. I wish I could go back in time and change the way I acted. You are the only guy to EVER listen to me. You genuinly cared, and even though it was awkward when we met up down in Texas, I know you weren't doing it to be malicious or because you weren't supportive. It's just taken awhile to realize that once you left my life, it didn't get better. It got much worse.

 

I need you back in my life *my name*. You were the rock that kept me going. Sorry if I rambled on, but this is all coming from the heart. I hope you do read this and can find the time to maybe contact me again one day. I promise to never do what I did again and I will always be there for you.

 

*her name*"

 

 

Like I said, I really didn't expect this at all. I guess I should have though, because the last 2 times she broke up with me, she e-mailed me too. This one seems really heartfelt and genuine though. I don't really know what to do.

 

On one hand, I was moving on and had no desire to talk to her again, but I still have a place in my heart for her and I hate to see her down.

 

What should I do?

[DN]

Can you handle being her friend and not her boyfriend?

[greywolf]

I replied to a similar post about this. I'm going to paste it here.

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(this is going to make me sound like a completely horrible person but I mostly did this when I was younger)

 

There had been times when I dated a guy for awhile and when I realized I didn't really like him I would tell him so and try to end things. Some guys would keep calling after that and eventually I would just start ignoring their calls. Some of them contacted me months or even a year later and if I was feeling lonely and needed someone to talk to at the time I would answer answer their call or respond to their message. If I was feeling really lonely and really wanted someone to talk to, I would contact one of these guys if I knew they hadn't forgotten about me.

 

So what I'm trying to say is, this could really mean nothing except she needs someone to talk to and she knows you might respond.

 

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And once she gets what she needs from you, she'll probably just be gone again.

[Iwantittoend]

Can you handle being her friend and not her boyfriend?

 

Every time I've said I could handle a friendship with her in the past, it developed into something more. Then to make it worse, some recent pictures I saw of her in she looks more amazingly good than she ever has.

 

But, even with all of that, it's just not the same anymore. I don't think a bf/gf relationship would ever work again. I could handle it...and I do mean it this time. I'm not as easily influenced as I used to be.

 

 

So what I'm trying to say is, this could really mean nothing except she needs someone to talk to and she knows you might respond.

 

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And once she gets what she needs from you, she'll probably just be gone again.

 

You very well could be right. It's basically what she did the last 3 times we started talking again. Used me for a few months, and then sent me packing. Which is why I'm kind of weary of jumping into something with her again.

 

The only difference is that I've changed a lot in these 4 months. I've learned to put myself above others most of all. It's my well being before someone else's. Before, I was always willing to drop everything just for her. Not the case anymore.

[DN]

What are your instincts telling you to do?

[fivespot]

Can you handle being her friend and not her boyfriend?

 

That's probably the best possible response to your situation!

 

It all comes down to that.

 

At first, I was thinking I'd love to be in your shoes. Man, I'd be soooo happy if I got an email like that from my ex.

 

But then I read that question by DN and there was a complete 180 in my thinking. She's clearly not asking you to be her boyfriend again. In my opinion, she feels like she made a few mistakes and now is feeling regret. You know her...I don't--is she a user? Will she disappear on you as soon as she finds someone else?

 

Now that I've thought about it, I don't want to be in your shoes. It's a tough situation to be in. At least when you're in NC, you know the rules. It's almost like...now what?

 

Since I've been down this road before with my ex (the email saying I'm sorry, I love you, etc.) I'd be very cautious right now. You don't have to ignore her. Don't play games and tell her you're over her or try to make her jealous.

 

If I were you, I'd flat out tell her you can't handle friendship (if that's true) and you'll never see her as "just a friend" because you'll always love her. Don't push to get back together...dig around a little to discover her motives.

 

And whatever you do, DON'T GET YOUR HOPES UP!!!

 

Good luck!

[Iwantittoend]

What are your instincts telling you to do?

 

Honestly, I don't think it's a good idea to accept her friendship again. I just have a bad feeling that if I do, I'll get used again. I'll be there for her for emotional support again, and then when she gets bored of me, it'll be over with. She's done it before, so there's no reason to believe she won't do it again.

 

I also think that she knows that I'm finally healing, so she sticks her head in to make me start to get my feelings back and feel bad so I'll contact her.

 

It has BS games written all over it. But, then again, there's always the chance that she has changed for the better. I really don't have many friends right now as it is, and I could always use another one.

 

I'm split on what to do right now...

[servedcold]

When is enough enough? Only you can answer that. She broke up with you twice over myspace? Would think that getting back into your life in any capacity after that kind of cranial spank would take more than a single email.

 

Have been in the exact situation, relatively recently in December, except the contact was a phone call. She gushed on and on about our relationship, and apologized profusely. I was polite, friendly even, and appreciative of the call, but suspected the call for what it likely was. We haven't spoken since, and I know that if there had been any real substance there, there would have been more than a single phone call. Best wishes in your decision.

[DN]

Honestly, I don't think it's a good idea to accept her friendship again. I just have a bad feeling that if I do, I'll get used again. I'll be there for her for emotional support again, and then when she gets bored of me, it'll be over with. She's done it before, so there's no reason to believe she won't do it again.

Why don't you reply telling her exactly this and see what she says?

[orangesoda]

From your history, I think you're better off deleting the email and forgetting about it. It seems obvious to me that your ex is an opportunistic person - when the moment comes that she needs you, she'll say all the right things to get your attention.

 

Then when she no longer needs you, or she finds someone to replace you, she won't even bother with a face to face, she'll just write up something on myspace, hit send, then conveniently ignore that you even exist.

[rikka]

Once bitten twice shy (or three times in your case). I don't blame you for being wary. Call me cold hearted, but I agree with some of the others. I saw this coming from a mile away. From what I have known of you on this board this is a familiar pattern for her. I have a feeling that she will use you for emotional support/whatever and then toss you aside again. So the real question is will you let her?

 

Only you can know what is best for you. You know her better than anyone here, and you know yourself most of all. If you believe you are ready to be friends with her - but make sure it is what you want and you are not doing it out of guilt or obligation. Do what you need to do for you. Good luck.

[GottaLetItBurn]

Bottom line you need to do what you have to do. She knew what she was doing the first time she decided to leave and now can't handle the consequences and now wants you back to ease her pain. This doesn't seem to be so much about you, as something she needs so she can feel better. She wasn't there when you were hurt, so you can't trust her again like that.

 

I believe you can never be just friends with someone you were intimate with. Whether it was one time or a 1000 times, you just can't go back to being friends once you cross that line. Really think about whether you can be just her friend because you might just go through the cycle of getting hurt over and over because you thought it was something more. That's no fun at all.

 

Do what you have to do but at least put some though into why you would let her come back so easily into your life. Talk is so cheap and it's easy to think she was so great because you want so badly to forgive. I hope things work out for you.