Am I wrong to feel like this Opinions

[wish4me]

My bf and I decided to take a last minute getaway this weekend. We had a good time and managed to escape the thunderstorms until this afternoon.

 

First up, my bf is very close to his parents but does not live with them. I know his parents are an important factor to his life. Just after we left and got to the campground his Dad called wanting to know if we had made it. Next, his Dad called again to warn us of thunderstorms out of care and concern and later that night he called again to check on us. In between his Dad calls my bf called him. Yesterday while we were enjoying ourselves my bf said "Kel, I know this is our weekend to getaway but I'm really hoping that Mom and Dad can stop by for a few hours since they don't get out much. He had been wanting to call them all day to check on them and he spoke to them 3 or more times. I love his parents so much but I'm concerned this may affect our relationship further down the road. I know my bf felt guilty for not asking them to join us because he told me yesterday that him and his Dad were planning to go fishing next weekend so that he could spend some time with him. My bf lives only 10 minutes away from his parents and see them most days. For whatever reason I just felt as though our relationship didn't seem important to him at this point. It is as though he is trying to please all of us. No sooner had we returned to his parents house to drop the camper off, his Dad was showing him a map of where they are staying next weekend. It was only a matter of minutes before I got a call from my x telling me that he was at the parking lot ready to drop of my children. I left without a hug or kiss goodbye knowing that I wouldn't be seeing him again for about 10 days. When I arrived to pick my children up my x was there waiting on me with his new girlfriend he left me for. All the pain of seperation and divorce came flooding back and I have cried so much this afternoon that my eyes are so sore.

 

Am I wrong to feel that our time together is important too or is it a combination of things that happeneded today that has set fire to my emotions.

All I want to do right now is lay down and sleep the night away.

[Batya33]

I think if you want to be with this guy you have to adjust your expectations and mindset. (and I write this because I can relate to a degree). He is very close with his parents and his actions are consistent with an adult who is not willing to, or afraid to, cut the parent-child strings as much as most adults are willing to, for whatever reason. that is my opinion just based on what I know, have seen and experienced as far as closeness to families. I have seen situations where people have been able to change - to become more of an adult with respect to parental relationships once an SO is involved. It's not too unusual but it depends on the particular circumstances including of course acknowledgement that the relationship is headed toward an unhealthy path.

 

I would have been very frustrated at all the phone calls, but that's just me. And that's the point - you have to get very clear over whether you can deal with this, what your boundaries are, and how much you can compromise, especially if he sees nothing wrong with his behavior.

 

good luck.

[shikashika]

i don't know.. I think it's a refreshing change (and a good one!!) to see someone have a good relationships with their parents.

 

Someone's relationship with their parents says a lot about their character and how he will treat his own relationships and own family.

 

I see this is a turn on rather than a turn off!

[wish4me]

It was a little frustrating with all the calls. I know he loves his parents and felt so bad when he bought his own home worrying who would fix the repairs, mow the yard (keep in mind he is one of five children who also live nearby too). I just wonder tonight how important I will be to him when he goes next weekend with his Dad. Both his parents are able and get about, go up North 3 times a year. I just feel I'm the one really who does not get out enough with children. Sorry, I am feeling very down right now.

[Batya33]

I think having an adult relationship with parents is a great thing. Momma's boy or girl type closeness is a turn off to me. Not saying which one this is - I don't have enough information about the reason for the constant calls.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I don't think this is a matter of him choosing his parents over you. It just sounds like he is close with his parents. I can understand concern for the situation if he couldn't make decisions without consulting his parents and he needed their approval before doing anything, but that doesn't seem to be the case here. My parents have done the same thing to me when the weather is bad. If it gives them peace of mind then why not. It sounds like he invited his parents to come for a little while just so that they would do something different and have an outing. You still spent time with him alone...it is not as if he invited them for the entire weekend. Sure, there are plenty of people who don't have this kind of relationship with their parents...but it is indeed refreshing to see someone who does.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

It sounds to me that your distress is more about your own disappointments in life and it is being magnified by his relationship with his parents. You lost your husband to another woman and you are a single mother so your free time is limited. So in light of this, you are viewing his parents as a threat to your relationship. But his parents are not the same as another woman so you shouldn't feel threatened or that you are competing with his parents. You are not. I am not sure how long you have been with him and for how long you have been divorced. Did you have a chance to grieve for the loss of your marriage before starting this relationship. I think the issue is within you and you need to work through the unhappiness within you.

[Madman22]

I think you have just had an exhuasting day. I do believe if his parents call that many times then they are intruding on your relationship and although it is beautiful that they care and are close, it is important they let him fly from the nest.

 

Seeing your ex boyfriend with the woman he left you for would make any womans stomach turn. I do not see why you would feel guilty.

[JeckyllNHyde]

No I dont think you are wrong nor completely right.

 

Your bf sounds a bit like mine: always trying to please everybody. His parents, me, and his close friends since childhood, along with family members. I admire him for that. It's nice to see someone so close to friends and family in a friendly healthy way (no conflicts).

But sometimes I also wish we had more time to spend with each other.. for instance on a sunday or just so that we could bond a bit more and be even more a part of each others lives.

 

But.. my approach isn't to tell him to do this and not do that. I just leave him be, and sometimes I will bring up how I feel. Even though sometimes I feel like telling him that I would rather he do something with ME instead of someone else, I don't.

 

I guess your bf must be over his 30s and feels now it's his responsibility to take care of his parents as they have taken care of him.

 

I suggest just telling him how it makes you feel.

[wish4me]

It sounds to me that your distress is more about your own disappointments in life and it is being magnified by his relationship with his parents. .

I really do think your right here. I have sat here tonight trying to make out why my life has turned out this way. My disappointments in childhood and adulthood have been great. It is very strange for me to understand how someone can have that much closeness to their parents, because I did not. I didn't begin to feel like dating until I knew I was over my x, but today I relived the hurt I felt when my x left and was trying to understand how I could make this relationship better.

I guess its the stigma I am a divorcee and trying not to be the black sheep of his family. None of his 5 siblings are divorced but all happily married. Sometimes I often worry how they worry about him dating a divorced woman. For the record, I have been married twice. I married very young but it didn't last more than 2 years and then my second husband cheated after a very short marriage also. I do worry how his parents think of my failure and often I wonder are they worried that he is making a bad decision by dating me.

 

Thanks Kel

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Well, I think it is natural for parents to worry about who their son or daughter is dating...no matter how old their son or daughter is. Don't let your concerns impact how you relate to them. Your discomfort with his closeness to his parents could come out subtly and his parents could pick up on it..this would feed any negative thoughts. Your resentment comes from your own insecurities and disappointments. So why not view this current set up as an amazing opportunity to develop a nice rapport with them. You can never have too many friends and well-wishers. It is about having positive energy (I can't think of a better way to say this) which feeds on itself...if you have a positive outlook then it may help them develop positive feelings about you and they will look at you as the person you are today rather than as the person who had two divorces. You had a run of bad luck with your relationships...maybe the tide has turned and this guy and his close family will be a positive thing in your life. Instead of rejecting the closeness, why not embrace it and then maybe they will welcome you into their fold.

[mca1975]

hi wish4me. I felt for you when I read your post. I thnk I would be upset also, but also it is mostly to do wtih he combination of events that day I think, especially seeing your ex and his new girlfriend when you were feeling in a low mood.

 

I think you should speak to your current boyfriend and just be honest about how you feel/felt, he may have no idea you felt like that and may feel upset for making you feel like that.

 

I know what you mean about wanting to sleep when you feel like this, to shut it out!

Then again, we all have our off days dont we where we need a good cry, maybe this is one of those days.

 

good luck

x

[wish4me]

Feeling better after a long sleep. It was a tiring weekend on the lake. It did feel like a cinderella story and driving home I felt a little sad getting back to realty. I didn't get to hug or kiss my boyfriend goodbye yesterday afternoon, it was very rushed and I love the hugs and moments before we leave each other. Then having to see my x with his new gf just brought all the hurt back and it didn't help meeting them in the parking lot. When I'm at my own house I feel a sense of heavenly security and neutral ground. I didn't expect to see them together and I wasn't prepared for it. I really need to focus on how good life is right now and stop leaving the past determine my future. I did get to talk to my bf last night for about 30 minutes. I just told him how much it hurt to see them together and the hurt I felt. I just live in fear of that hurt coming back again with another relationship. It's like having a fear of the ocean and trying to overcome it despite having a life jacket.