skyblue1 Posted May 10, 2008 Share Posted May 10, 2008 Hi all, Feeling a little low today My mum is making me feel like crap. Will explain the story. Went to a wedding last week with my family which was really nice. This morning my mum and sister wakes me up saying they have news for me as my cousin called- a guy at the wedding is interested in me and wants to meet me. So i asked my mum is he good looking? and she responds are you good looking? making me feel that i'm not very attractive so i respond back yes i am good looking - Do you guys think that is a horrible thing to say to your daughter? Are mothers meant to make you feel amazing? not like crap - i never get compliments from my family - just friends and people i meet. Thanks Link to comment
JadedStar Posted May 10, 2008 Share Posted May 10, 2008 WOW. yeah that is pretty freaking rude of her skyblue. No wonder your self esteem is low if this is indicative of her normal behavior. Link to comment
skyblue1 Posted May 10, 2008 Author Share Posted May 10, 2008 WOW. yeah that is pretty freaking rude of her skyblue. No wonder your self esteem is low if this is indicative of her normal behavior. I think so too i will never say anything like that to anyone Link to comment
CallingAllAngels Posted May 10, 2008 Share Posted May 10, 2008 OMG....I think that is a terrible thing to say to your daughter. I don't mean to disrespect your mum, but your picture is very pretty. I don't understand why she would say that. I have noticed posts from you before about your self esteem and have never understood. If this is how your mum has talked to you, then I guess I do now. I think the remark was unnecessary. ~Allie Link to comment
JadedStar Posted May 10, 2008 Share Posted May 10, 2008 Skyblue, parents who are like this with their kids typically are victims of horribly low self esteem themselves. I know that is little solace when you are the recipient of their insults, but if i were you if I'd try to ignore her and respond with things like "Thanks for that vote of confidence mom" to hopefully make her think about what she is doing a bit. Link to comment
DN Posted May 10, 2008 Share Posted May 10, 2008 Perhaps she meant to point out that for you to ask if he is good-looking might be construed as being somewhat shallow. She didn't say you aren't good-looking but by saying that is showing that even if he thought you weren't - he was still interested. It might be looked on as a maternal object lesson. Link to comment
skyblue1 Posted May 10, 2008 Author Share Posted May 10, 2008 OMG....I think that is a terrible thing to say to your daughter. I don't mean to disrespect your mum, but your picture is very pretty. I don't understand why she would say that. I have noticed posts from you before about your self esteem and have never understood. If this is how your mum has talked to you, then I guess I do now. I think the remark was unnecessary. ~Allie Thank you! I've never been close to my family. Really hurts to hear something like that. Started crying in my room when i heard that so awful. I don't really feel loved to be honest with you. Link to comment
Censored Posted May 10, 2008 Share Posted May 10, 2008 Yes the remark was unecessary, but you are 27 years old. Your self esteem should not be linked to off-hand remarks like this from your mother. Why is it that when parents say positive things to us we can struggle to believe them (biased opinion etc.) but as soon as something negative is said, we take it straight to heart and believe it to be the truth? I just think you need to be broadening your scope on what you do and do not accept as being legitimate when it comes to others remarks. Link to comment
skyblue1 Posted May 10, 2008 Author Share Posted May 10, 2008 Perhaps she meant to point out that for you to ask if he is good-looking might be construed as being somewhat shallow. She didn't say you aren't good-looking but by saying that is showing that even if he thought you weren't - he was still interested. It might be looked on as a maternal object lesson. No i think she was trying to say i'm not good looking so why ask Link to comment
CallingAllAngels Posted May 10, 2008 Share Posted May 10, 2008 Thank you! I've never been close to my family. Really hurts to hear something like that. Started crying in my room when i heard that so awful. I don't really feel loved to be honest with you. Oh....I am so very sorry hun. (BIG HUGS) You're beautiful...inside and out. ~Allie Link to comment
DN Posted May 10, 2008 Share Posted May 10, 2008 No i think she was trying to say i'm not good looking so why ask Why don't you ask her what she meant? Link to comment
skyblue1 Posted May 10, 2008 Author Share Posted May 10, 2008 Oh....I am so very sorry hun. (BIG HUGS) You're beautiful...inside and out. ~Allie Thanks hun I'm starting to hate her ](*,) Link to comment
skyblue1 Posted May 10, 2008 Author Share Posted May 10, 2008 Why don't you ask her what she meant? I can't we don't speak much about how i feel etc. I keep my problems to myself and friends not family. It is very hard to even hug my family or kiss them on the cheek. Link to comment
JadedStar Posted May 10, 2008 Share Posted May 10, 2008 Yes the remark was unecessary, but you are 27 years old. Your self esteem should not be linked to off-hand remarks like this from your mother. Why is it that when parents say positive things to us we can struggle to believe them (biased opinion etc.) but as soon as something negative is said, we take it straight to heart and believe it to be the truth? I just think you need to be broadening your scope on what you do and do not accept as being legitimate when it comes to others remarks. She is 27, but rejection from a parent can cut like a knife well up into one's 40s. She said she has never felt loved so I do not think this was an isolated incident. Skyblue I do suggest you not migrate to her all the time and try to be more independent. I had to get my self esteem from myself, if i had relied on my parents to prop me up i'd be hiding in a corner somewhere in a fetal position. Link to comment
skyblue1 Posted May 10, 2008 Author Share Posted May 10, 2008 She is 27, but rejection from a parent can cut like a knife well up into one's 40s. She said she has never felt loved so I do not think this was an isolated incident. Skyblue I do suggest you not migrate to her all the time and try to be more independent. I had to get my self esteem from myself, if i had relied on my parents to prop me up i'd be hiding in a corner somewhere in a fetal position. Sorry to hear that Jadedstar. I have been trying to be strong. Wish i had a better relationship with her like talk about the girlie things, datins i've been on and stuff. But i can't - i mentioned going on a date a few months ago and her face expression was blank with my emotion not even a smile. I should just move out and find somewhere to live - wish i do money to would have been easier Link to comment
DN Posted May 10, 2008 Share Posted May 10, 2008 I can't we don't speak much about how i feel etc. I keep my problems to myself and friends not family. It is very hard to even hug my family or kiss them on the cheek. Well, perhaps it is time to change that dynamic. I would advise your mother to do that if she were on here but since she isn't I can only suggest you start. Try doing it without aggression but calmly and in an attempt to put things right. Not just this incident but the years of stuff that has gone wrong. It is easy and understandable to feel aggrieved and upset - but do you want to spend the rest of your life feeling like that? Or would you rather try to establish a better family relationship? Even if you fail you will know that you tried. You may say you have tried before - but that is no reason not to try again now that you are an adult. Remember that at least your mother and sister thought enough of you to tell you that this guy is interested. Link to comment
Lana0120 Posted May 10, 2008 Share Posted May 10, 2008 I don't know your mum, but rather than saying you're unattractive, I'd interpret that comment as suggesting you were shallow rather than anything else. I'd agree with DN. It may not have been nice of her to say that, but I do think you may have misconstrued what she meant. If it bothers you so much, why don't you ask her what she meant by her comment? That's the only way you'll know for sure, unless your mother often goes around telling you that you're 'ugly' or things like that. Link to comment
Pegasus Posted May 10, 2008 Share Posted May 10, 2008 So i asked my mum is he good looking? and she responds are you good looking? Shallow question - shallow answer. Maybe she just want you to be realistic - you won't know if you don't ask her. Link to comment
Nurseman Posted May 10, 2008 Share Posted May 10, 2008 I'm inclined to agree with DN and Pegasus. She just thought you were being a bit shallow. Most all of us have been there. Once, after expressing my own attraction to a local celebrity, my Mother replied, "What do you think she would see in YOU?"! THAT, pretty much, cut to the quick. Link to comment
lila... Posted May 10, 2008 Share Posted May 10, 2008 She would know her mother and if she meant it as a "lesson" to her shallow question. If she says it wasn't that, than it wasn't. Plus, she's said her mom's always been that way. I'm sorry skyblue, my mom's the same way with me. I've never heard a compliment from her, and she's always criticizing me and making comments about my weight even though I'm not really fat. She's super critical of me, and never has she once complimented me but she's very quick to point out my flaws. I do get along fine with her for the most part (not a tight relationship but get along), but we do clash a lot. All her remarks and criticism towards me have really taken a toll on my self-esteem. I guess I can't offer advice but just wanted to tell you that you're not alone. Also, DN makes some very good points. We only have one mother and would we really want to have a rocky, not so good relationship with her foreever? What happens when we're not living with them anymore, wouldn't you like to live knowing you could always turn to her and not be on bad terms? No matter what, they'll always be our mothers so trying to mend the relationship is the wisest thing we could do. Link to comment
bulletproof Posted May 10, 2008 Share Posted May 10, 2008 She would know her mother and if she meant it as a "lesson" to her shallow question. If she says it wasn't that, than it wasn't. Plus, she's said her mom's always been that way. That doesn't leave much room for interpretation. So what if she knows her mother? I know my family members but it doesn't mean I always get their meaning or we never have a miscommunication or misunderstanding. Upon reading the original post, I thought the same thing- that her mother was commenting on skyblue immediately asking if the guy was good-looking. And even if her mother was just being critical, skyblue should still reconsider that question in the future. Regarding the relationship in and of itself... as others have pointed out, all you can do is change your reaction, as it's much more difficult to change others' actions. Link to comment
lila... Posted May 10, 2008 Share Posted May 10, 2008 That doesn't leave much room for interpretation. So what if she knows her mother? I know my family members but it doesn't mean I always get their meaning or we never have a miscommunication or misunderstanding. Upon reading the original post, I thought the same thing- that her mother was commenting on skyblue immediately asking if the guy was good-looking. And even if her mother was just being critical, skyblue should still reconsider that question in the future. Regarding the relationship in and of itself... as others have pointed out, all you can do is change your reaction, as it's much more difficult to change others' actions. Well I think we would know our mothers well enough to know what their comments mean. Sure there could be misunderstandings, but she was the one who was there and experienced it, one could tell from a person's tone and their way of saying it what they meant by it. But ok, I guess the only way to find out the truth is by her asking her mother what she meant so there could be no misunderstandings. Link to comment
Miss Firecracker Posted May 11, 2008 Share Posted May 11, 2008 No i think she was trying to say i'm not good looking so why ask I agree with DN that your mom was trying to make a point. I think she wouldn't want to say that about him (that he's unattractive) any more than she would say it about you. Your mom was probably thinking it was wrong of you to ask a superficial question about this stranger. Why not just meet the guy and decide for yourself if he's good looking? It's not like someone is expecting you to sleep with him, just to meet him, skyblue. Link to comment
Lana0120 Posted May 11, 2008 Share Posted May 11, 2008 I think most of the time we do know our parents well enough to know what they mean by certain statements. However, if the family relationship is not a close one to begin with and if there are problems... the natural inclination is going to be to jump to conclusions that the words were meant in an insulting manner. Also, even people who do know their parents well don't have a 100 per cent success rate at interpreting what their parents mean. Sometimes we all get it wrong. Link to comment
CallingAllAngels Posted May 11, 2008 Share Posted May 11, 2008 Sometimes though, are paren'ts can be our harshest criticts, and their words cut the deepest...... Link to comment
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