My ex came back - advice?

[ifloatabove]

This pretty much happened out of nowhere.

 

The short version is that he said he's still confused but he wasn't ready to lose me yet and he wanted to give us another shot. He said it can never go back to the way it used to be but he (and me as well) doesn't want it to. That old relationship we had is dead, whatever we do now is going to be very different. And it has to be in order for this to work.

 

Last night he told me he took the risk of telling me even knowing that I was moving on with my life. When we were broken up, he said that he had been in so much long-term relationships over his life that he needed to be single and explore his options. Now he's saying that maybe there's a reason he's been in long-term relationships and maybe that's the way he likes it. I thought that when he said he was happy being single, it meant playing the field and exploring the freedom singledom offers. But, and this could be a totally wrong thought, I think that he misses the freedom of doing what he wants but he wants a relationship.

 

He kept saying, 'Tell me what I have to do to change. Tell me what I can do. I'm still confused about my life but I want to be happy again with you."

 

After we had a three hour phone conversation, the next day he texted me saying he was sorry for confusing me and for putting this on me. He said that he knew that I was happy with my life and the way things were going and he didn't want to get in the way of that. but he said, "Please take the time to make the right decision."

 

And it's true. Since he left, I've filled my life with different things and I've taken the time to reevaluate myself as a person and I've already started making changes that make me a better person and changes that improve my life.

 

He said that he didn't expect that he could just walk back into my life. And he said after what he did to me, he knew that maybe he didn't deserve to be back in my life and he wanted to be sure that this is what I wanted to do too in order to be happy. He said that he would understand if I didn't want to try because of what he put me through.

 

So on the subject of me, I'm not sure. I had no idea this moment would come. I imagined it but I never thought it would be a reality. I said I needed a couple days to think about it and we're going to meet next Wednesday and have a face to face talk.

 

I've been told getting back together with him is a terrible idea. And that nothing will change and eventually things will go downhill again and he's going to break my heart again.

 

If he honestly wants to change and we evaluate how we are as individuals and how we can function in a relationship while still maintaining that independence, I'm just grappling with the question of, is this a risk worth taking?

 

I understand why he broke up with me. Our relationship was dysfunctional in so many ways. But we both realize what went wrong and being apart, we've realized how much better people we want to be and we want to do it together.

 

He said he wanted to try and couldn't promise me anything. And I can't promise him anything either. Being apart has made my feelings for him change but there are a lot of feelings still there.

 

I've been told that since I kept in contact with him, the real reason he wants to get back has been suggested that it's because he misses me and what he had. I don't regret keeping LC with him and he said that the main thing that made him realize he wasn't ready to let me slip away was that I had put aside what he had cruelly did to me and I played the role of a friend when he needed a friend the most. That's the caliber of the person I am and what I'm capable of. But that little seed of doubt has been planted and I get the feeling that he just wants me back because he misses me.

 

But he acknowledges that it can't just start over again. He said we have to take it slow and not to rush this and give it plenty of time to develop. Sort of like giving us a trial run and see how we do with what we come up with. We're both going to think about this, I'm going to write everything down I want to talk about and we're going to see if we're capable of functioning in this new way together. So sometimes when I think, oh he missed me so much and he just wants a body to be there again, I get the feeling that he really wants to try again because the time away gave him time to realize we both were in the wrong and it still is worth trying.

 

I told him that being in a long-distance relationship means the two people must eventually meet up. I said, if you miss having someone be there for you, how do you feel that I'm only there a 1/4 of the time? And he said it didn't matter, he was ok with long-distance and he really wanted to figure his life out so we could be together. That's what made me think that his want to get back together was genuine. If he really missed someone just being there, he could definitely find that in his hometown. But to want to continue long-distance is.....no small feat.

 

Can anyone offer insight, suggestions, or advice? I've heard it all so if it's brutally honest, I'd still love to hear what you have to say.

 

Thanks for reading.

[pumpkinmoon]

hi I think this is great if it's what you really want. And I think it is good that you are not rushing into anything and are taking time to think about it before deciding. how long were you apart?

[renaissancewoman101]

Ifloat, you're lucky your ex came back.

 

Just take it slow and one day at a time. Don't push. Slow is better.

[JimmerJammer]

ifloatabove,

 

that's real sweet Heck I know I would love my ex to say the things like he said. Do I expect it will happen? How can I lol That's why I just continue on living my life one day at a time. Maybe some day I will be ready to date again all I know is that I can't sit around waiting for my ex to return. That part of me that loves her wants to, but the part of me that knows better on top of acknowledging we're broken up means I move on. Fortunately for you it seems to me that you both are on the same page about this. You are familiar with what happened in the relationship that went sour and he too is familiar with what happened in the relationship that went sour.

 

I understand what you're saying in that he may just really miss you and that is in fact the basis for his decision to want to get back with you and try at all costs. The problem being that SAYING you want to do these things and ACTUALLY doing them are two different things completely. One thing I have always known since I became self-aware is that once you start becoming aware of yourself and things you need to do to improve those parts of yourself that aren't shall I say perfect, it's the actual part of getting there that is so hard.

 

It's always why that I commend you both for saying to each other what you have said. It shows a lot of growth already to be able to admit to those things and to embrace it like you both have. The best thing to do IS to take it slowly, but what happens when old habits come back is the thought that you CAN let them. Get it? You feel you can get away with this or that and then you may beat yourself up over it or slowly stop doing the thing you needed to do to improve.

 

Like going to the gym, it works if you go CONSISTENTLY. If, however, you miss a day(slip up/make a mistake) you will be fine if you dedicate yourself to getting back on path soon after. It's only when you start deviating further or allow yourself to continue making those same mistakes and really beat yourself up over it where you'll feel bad and eventually fall back into bad patterns. It's definitely not easy and that's not meant to be discouraging by any means. It's meant to bring awareness to the fact that two people working to grow is more or less what a good relationship is about.

 

The other fact being that it's something you both really want for yourselves and in life anything that you truly want is going to take work to get. You can't just expect quick results or things to come to you with no effort. I'm sure you realize this and that's also why it now will take a lot of compassion, understanding, patience, sympathy, encouragement and belief in each other to work this out. It takes a lot of effort and work and helping someone along and being the person that helps encourage them makes the trek easier.

 

I wish you the best of luck and again I really hope this works out for you. Nothing better than two people finding strength in each other to make it work. If you both want the happiness you two deserve, then this really well be for the best just focus on the goal and helping each other get there. That's what a relationship is about

 

cheers.

[HoTung]

How long were u together the first time? and how long have u been broken up for? did u ever go NC`?

 

Follow ur heart but make sure u have ur say and make sure u both want it to work.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I went back to some previous posts and it seems that you haven't been broken up that long...a month or less. If he is used to being in long-term relationships, then it sounds like he is not used to being alone, and he might be coming back because he is panicked about being without a partner. You both talk about making changes, but both of you haven't been broken up long enough to really have had a good chance to really reflect on things. It is all fine to talk about making changes, a whole other matter to actually follow-through. Change takes time. You two have been in low contact so you both haven't even had time completely apart to sit and think. Getting back together is not the beginning of a brand new relationship...it is supposed to be a re-building of the old one to make it stronger. You can't just completely start from scratch because you already have a history together. I believe in one post you said he wanted to move to Australia because he is not happy with his current job. It sounds like he is all over the map and really needs to get his act together before he is ready for a relationship.

 

He said he wanted to try and couldn't promise me anything. And I can't promise him anything either

 

When two people really want to get back together and make it work, they don't put it qualifying words like "I can't promise anything". Those are cop out words which basically say I am not sure I am ready for this and if it doesn't work out, well, I already told you I can't guarantee anything. This to me sounds like two people who are forcing things and not completely ready. Perhaps the two of you still need more time alone to really know if you are committed to making this work without qualifying sentences like "I can't guarantee...." Like I said, you two haven't been broken up long enough and it sounds like he is just trying to keep you around but has not yet sorted himself and his feelings out.

[EyesOnThePrize]

He kept saying, 'Tell me what I have to do to change. Tell me what I can do. I'm still confused about my life but I want to be happy again with you."

 

IMO, these are magic words. I think this is truly showing that he is ready to make things work. I think you would benefit from being very open and honest with him about what you want and need from the relationship, where you felt he was not meeting your emotional needs before, and also find out the same from him. I think that no relationship breaks up because of one person. I also think you might want to consider couples counseling, and I found a lot of value in the books "His Needs, Her Needs" and "The Five Love Languages", and you might find value there, too.

 

That's just my opinion, and that and $3.50 buys you a cucumber roll at many sushi bars.