I Almost Did (All should read)

[ghost69]

this might be a shock to my normal readers.

 

when i was about 10 i was going to kill myself. my dad was gone. pretty much out of my life. my parents were divorced when i was really young and ever since i have known that is the way it was.

 

he used to pick me up to take him to his house and hang out for weekends sometimes. if he showed up. i thought he just stopped coming after a while cause he pretty much did. the last time i saw him and actually was picked up by him he said it was my mom keeping him away. little did i know she was protecting me from this monster jerk.

 

well i realized he wasn't going to be around much, my mom and i were broke, and guess what? i thought that was the easiest way to get out of this situation and stop being everyone's problem. i blamed myself for them not being together. i felt i had done something to cause this. they were married before me right? so it must be me. my dad doesn't come around anymore, i must have done something. my mom is always having financial troubles, must be my fault.

 

yeah, i used to hold a knife to my wrist and put pressure on it. who does this @ 10? yeah, til blood came out. i wasn't interested in the blood either. not like i was experimenting. i did this for a solid week everyday after school. i was a latchkey kid so i had noone around to stop me either. somehow it hit me. wth am i doing? i'm a healthy kid. my mom takes care of me. it's not like she kicked me out, beats me, verbally abuses me, etc. yeah, we are poor, but she is trying. i can see how it is upsetting.

 

then i thought about my dad. hmm. this was very hard to figure out. he did get married again so i thought that was it. welp, another divorce. then i remembered he used to pick me up, take me for the weekend, then go out all night while i was alone in the house. probably out hooking up with women. i realized he only picked me up when it was convenient. or when he wanted to please my mom from a sad son.

 

i pulled the knife away. i was done with that.

 

now?? absolutely so happy i did not do that. sure, it was a struggle but i'm still here. broke to some cash to broke again, etc. i would have missed so much life. but now i'm doing really god. i have done so much in my life so far and plan on doing so much more. vacations, trips, friends, family, even being alone has been fun.

 

i have changed myself so many times over. from completely revamping my image to re-establishing myself mentally. i plan on keep doing this too if need be. so please sit back and re-evaluate yourself and what you want. then think how can you get what you want. everything doesn't just happen and come to you all at once. some things take time, and some things you have to work for.

 

oh and my dad...i haven't seen my dad in like 19 years. i'm so glad for that. i asked my mom why she left him so long ago. she basically told me how he was verbally and some physically abusive and didn't want me growing up around that. she had actually told him to stop coming around and breaking my heart. told me on my 18th b-day as she figured it was time for me to know the truth about him. i teared up and gave her a hug. i ever see him guess what he gets. five finger death punch. hehe. i wouldn't even give him that benefit.

 

but just look at it this way. take life as it is. don't end it. there is no reason. i've seen friends do it. it causes pain for everyone around you. and you, you never get the answers you are looking for. it's over. finito, done, no coming back. you can't change your mind. i can't stop you from doing it obviously. you are going to do what you do. but get some perspective. whether you read a book, talk to friends, family, hang out by yourself, you might open your mind up. reason with yourself. i know i would have missed out on everything i've been through. good and bad. that would be really upsetting had i done it.

 

 

 

in a comparison, look at a gazelle on the african plains. it needs water to stay alive. it goes down to the watering holes, rivers, or lakes to get a drink. something is in the water. crocs. they know it. lions in the bush. they know it. but they strive to stay alive cause something is better about trying. i dunno, just something to think 'hey yeah'.

 

i hope this helps in some way. and smile. i dunno, but something about smiling, even alone makes me smirk more. i'm done rambling.

[stella74]

Wow, Ghost. I would have never guessed. You seem so positive. But sometimes that positivity comes from having gone through difficult and painful times (I know this personally). I'm so glad you never killed yourself. Thanks for sharing this with us. It's going to help a lot of people.

[ghost69]

Wow, Ghost. I would have never guessed. You seem so positive. But sometimes that positivity comes from having gone through difficult and painful times (I know this personally). I'm so glad you never killed yourself. Thanks for sharing this with us. It's going to help a lot of people.

 

i sure hope so. unfortunately i didn't have anybody to lean on. my friends were all in the poor situation as me so not really any guidance. they were all from broken homes too. who knows, maybe going through the same epiphany that i did. but some never made it. through the years i lost a few.

 

but i think i just reasoned with myself and found guidance from within. i know i sound like a preacher or something, but i became a really positive person. i grew up rough that's for sure. i've seen a lot. a lot of stuff i would have missed out on. even if it was bad.

 

when you see someone happy smiling and they look at you and smile, even if your day is crummy, that person did help you some. that's why i try and smile at just about everyone. something so small can help.

 

am i asking these posters to do that? no way. but just trying to help them understand there is so much more.

[Lionel Hutz]

This is a really good post (pats ghost on the back)

 

Well thought out man! CHEERS!

[Daligal83]

I think it's great that you can open up and share that with ENA. I'm sure some people who feel right now like you did then will be helped.

[stella74]

i think i just reasoned with myself and found guidance from within.

 

That's amazing, given your background.

 

I think we all have that inner compass if we listen. I find there is an inner "voice" that guides us when we really need it. Sometimes when we're in too much pain, it's difficult to access. So for anyone who is suicidal, the key is to do whatever you can to get that inner guidance.

 

Ghost, what things helped you?

[Aviatormy]

Wow. That really is an inspiring story. So many people that I know now are very happy and positive when it comes to life as a whole. Most of them actually have thought or attempted to take their lives in the past. I believe that trying to kill yourself and being unsuccessful really makes you look at life as a gift, not a punishment.

 

I had a similar story.

 

I was 19 when I did this (just 7 years ago!)

 

I had gone over to my, at the time, GF's house. She said that she needed to talk to me. UH OH. She told me the best and worst news I have ever heard, ALL IN ONE SENTENCE. "Andrew, I wanted to tell you, I have been pregnant for a month... But dont worry, I just had the abortion today"

 

I WAS CRUSHED! On top of that, I was broke, mother was in the hospital and not doing we at all, my father and I were not talking and had not been for about 2 years and I was constantly picked on because of how I looked.

 

I hopped in my black 1986 Mustang GT convertible, drove up to the stop light, lowered my top, pulled a U turn and floored it. I hit 90mph+, saw a good wall to run into, unbuckled my seat belt, cut the wheel hard to the right towards the wall and then let go of the steering wheel. The next thing I remember was my sister crying in the back of the ambulance say "please brother hang in there! I love you so much! What happened!?!?". I got to the ER and became fully conscious of what I had done. My family was in shambles, my nose was broken in 7 different places, my mother had got up and LEFT THE HOSPITAL she was at and my father was there by my side.

 

I did not feel sorry for myself anymore. I felt HORRIBLE for the pain I had cause my family. I realized how much I was loved. I knew that life was a precious gift.

 

After I had healed I went to the U.S. Army recruit station and signed my ass up. I became an Air Traffic Controller. My mind has straightened out so much and I value every breath I take to this day. There is no reason that I should have lived through that accident except that, it was just not my time to go.

 

I have a successful carreer, beautiful relationship with my Mother, father, GF and friends. I can not thank God enough for giving me another chance to really see what LIFE is.

 

I am.....ALIVE!

[ghost69]

That's amazing, given your background.

 

I think we all have that inner compass if we listen. I find there is an inner "voice" that guides us when we really need it. Sometimes when we're in too much pain, it's difficult to access. So for anyone who is suicidal, the key is to do whatever you can to get that inner guidance.

 

Ghost, what things helped you?

 

hmmm, i guess i'd have to think of that. maybe while i was looking at my hand upside down staring me down. i just felt the blade barely cutting. i felt something. i could see it, touch it, taste it if i wanted. my hand was real. the pain was real. it just meant something. i thought about why i was here. the only answer i could come up with was 'i dunno, but i'm not supposed to be dead.' weird reasoning isn't it?

[ghost69]

wow, that's awesome man. i mean, not all that well, you know, past stuff you went through. but that you realized something. some people that do take that plunge to do it, unfortunately, don't get the chance you got to taste it. they don't get the chance to realize how great this is.

 

i commend you man.

[ghost69]

i'm sure you thought of this avi. but that is like one of the worst ways some people try and take their life. you can harm others who don't want to die. the kids playing next to the road, the old lady crossing the street, the family van turning in front of you, etc. i know you are glad you didn't do that too. props man.

 

i was in a rollover accident myself. fricken scary. but no, not intentional.

[Aviatormy]

wow, that's awesome man. i mean, not all that well, you know, past stuff you went through. but that you realized something. some people that do take that plunge to do it, unfortunately, don't get the chance you got to taste it. they don't get the chance to realize how great this is.

 

i commend you man.

 

 

Thank you. This would be a SAD SAD internet forum without Aviatormy and Ghost! ha ha. (I guess I can throw my buddy Drewcious in the mix as well )

[ghost69]

Thank you. This would be a SAD SAD internet forum without Aviatormy and Ghost! ha ha. (I guess I can throw my buddy Drewcious in the mix as well )

 

yeah he cool too. he just needs to figure those things out...uhhm..girls yeah that's it. sorry drew. but let's keep this on topic. hehe. i'm sure he's typing me a PM right now.

[shikashika]

thanks for sharing ghost!

[Aviatormy]

i'm sure you thought of this avi. but that is like one of the worst ways some people try and take their life. you can harm others who don't want to die. the kids playing next to the road, the old lady crossing the street, the family van turning in front of you, etc. i know you are glad you didn't do that too. props man.

 

i was in a rollover accident myself. fricken scary. but no, not intentional.

 

For sure. Not a day goes by that I dont thank God for keeping myself and others safe during that crisis. The only physical pain inflicted was upon myself. The pain I inflicted emotionally on everyone was very hard to get over. I think thats why I have such a strong bond with these people to this day. Drewcious281 was there for me when it all went down.

[tiredofvampires]

yeah, i used to hold a knife to my wrist and put pressure on it. who does this @ 10?

 

I.

 

I didn't draw blood...and got the crap beaten so badly out of me for being found out, I was more scared of that than trying something again. So I guess the "punishment" worked. Except that it made me wish I could do it all the more and reinforced my determination to find other ways.

 

And that was not the most serious "attempt" either.

 

But this isn't about me...

 

This is a wonderful post, ghost, and a brave one to make. I came to many of the same conclusions: that I would not have wanted to miss all this. ALL of this, the good AND bad. It all shaped me. It all was instrumental.

 

I'm glad you are with us, to share this story. I think it could be of immense worth for anyone in this forum. Even though you were a child, you discovered early on some things that are pretty key to overcoming the desire to end one's life, and that is you can RE-MAKE yourself. You may not be the person you thought you'd be, but you can be someone else and that's worth discovering. It might even be better in some ways, when it's all said and done.

[ghost69]

^^^^^^^ty TOV. glad ur here too.

[15 Storeys High]

Good post.

 

I made a post about something similar a while back (deleted it though), in the hope it would make some difference. It doesn't. People read it and they carry on. It does nothing. Hopefully yours will have more of an impact.

[ghost69]

Man, you ppl are too positive here , try this , I have becker muscular dystrophy , depressed, social phobia, Im staring to believe that death is the best thing that can hapend in my live , my life has no meaning , im not human , i don't deserve to live, I don't see any kind of future for me ,i know the meaning of life, I only live for my parents so they can rest asured that they have a son , I m afraid of evryting , im loosing my mind, im going crazy, I wish i could kill myself , i hate evrything, i rearly do anything than just drag myself around the house sleep and eat .

 

i think you should start another thread for this. but you posted here, so something means something to you.

[Batya33]

Wow, Ghost. I would have never guessed. You seem so positive. But sometimes that positivity comes from having gone through difficult and painful times (I know this personally). I'm so glad you never killed yourself. Thanks for sharing this with us. It's going to help a lot of people.

 

What she said.

[PitchBlack]

I'm sorry mate , u and your mother probably had a very hard time, I have to admit that iv'e didint think about that while i was posting

[ghost69]

I'm sorry mate , u and your mother probably had a very hard time, I have to admit that iv'e didint think about that while i was posting

 

it's all good.

[metrogirl]

I hope your post helps some of these people that feel lost to see that there is something better out there, they just have to hold on and perservere. I think there are probably a lot of us here that have been thru some kind of personal hell and thought the end was the only way only to find that life can and will get better.

 

Ghost, you are a brave soul, to put that out in the open. If your post has helped even just one person, it will have served it's purpose.

 

Blessings be......

[ghost69]

bump to help others.

[15 Storeys High]

Do you ever get any fleeting thoughts about it now Ghost?

[ghost69]

Do you ever get any fleeting thoughts about it now Ghost?

 

absolutely not. that ship has sailed. i'm 100% convinced life is better and i want to be a part of it.