Do you feel that both people are responsible for the affair?

[cs90453]

My wife blames me for her affair and shows no remorse. Even now going through separation, she continues to see the other man and whatever else. I'm refusing to except blame for something that I didn't know was happening. Just wondering if anyone had any comments or opinions on this topic.

[midnightrambler]

My wife blames me for her affair and shows no remorse. Even now going through separation, she continues to see the other man and whatever else. I'm refusing to except blame for something that I didn't know was happening. Just wondering if anyone had any comments or opinions on this topic.

 

stick to your guns...she is copping out for poor behavior

[metrogirl]

She is going to blame you to justify her need to sleep around. I seriously doubt you put a gun to her head and said "sleep with him now".

[Lady Bugg]

Question? She cheated on you, is still seeing the Other Man and is blaming YOU for the affair, why are you still talking to her? Do you have children?

 

Sorry but NO one is ever responsible for making someone cheat. Period. We all have free will...blaming you is a cop out so she doesn't have to own up to it. Do you plan on trying to work it out?

[catwalk]

It can be the other person's fault (the spouse) if they were abusive or something, that's the only reason I can think of though!

 

It can be the person's fault that was having the affair with the married person if they knew the person was married and didn't care.

 

But really, it is just the cheaters fault. Because they don't want to feel crappy about themselves they will blame everyone but where ALL the blame should be - on them!

 

OP - you don't fall under any of these catagories of course, so what's she's saying & doing to you is awful!

[j0shua]

oh lord this sounds so familiar....

 

if your interested in a simiarish story:

 

[Iceman26]

Agree with the others. In order to alleviate whatever guilt she feels over the affair she blames you for it. Classic.

[shoppingGirl]

She is blaming you to relieve her own guilt for being unfaithful to you. She sounds like a very confused women....your better off without her it sounds like. You are not at fault here....even if you two drifted apart emotionally that does not justify an affair. The decent thing for her to have done is tell you she wasn't happy, leave, than go see other men if she wants. Please don't take the blame for her dirty deed.

[miracle29]

My wife blames me for her affair and shows no remorse. Even now going through separation, she continues to see the other man and whatever else. I'm refusing to except blame for something that I didn't know was happening. Just wondering if anyone had any comments or opinions on this topic.

 

 

There are always two sides to every story. Some people cheat because they are bored, some cheat for revenge and some cheat because they are tired of being neglected, over looked and unheard. Does this make it ok to cheat, Well of course not. But if she is saying this is your fault, make her explain just how its your fault. She chose this action on her own, but that does not mean there was no back door left open, so this loser could get in.

 

Again, not saying cheating is cool and hey...lets all cheat when we get frustrated, but I am telling you that if she tried to speak to you for years, and tried to express frustration and you simply brushed her off and chalked it up to "nagging" .....she may have been more hands on than you thought and this guy comes in..finds out she is vulnerable and wham....he's doing everything she wanted you to do. He's playing your position and mind screwing her! Now you are being talked about by this loser and he is turning her against you.

 

This happens more times than it should. It does not mean you are not a wonderful man. This does not mean you deserve to be cheated on..but don't do what I did when I was cheated on and forget to look at yourself a bit.

 

You can't ignore someones needs and put them on the back burner and than say "hey..how dare someone else notice the person i should have been paying attention to for years".

 

Again, i'm not saying she is ok for doing this, or that this loser (I call men who pray on married women who are feeling neglected this) this "loser" deserved a chance...because he's probably just looking to ruin her life and yours! But was she lonely, did she ever warn you that she needed more of you? Did you ignore this?

[miracle29]

Many will tell you "she's a loser" "who needs her" "you're better off without her" "she's a nut case" "why do you care" but I think you and I both know, when you marry a person, and you love them for years..its very hard to treat them like they are just some easily forgotten and easily gotten over...relationship!

[JadedStar]

She chose a deceitful act vs talking to you about it. There might have been problems in your MARRIAGE that led her to this decision but it is not YOUR fault and I would not want anything more to do with a person who could rip my heart out like that, spit on it, and then tell ME it was my fault. She made a CONSCIOUS decision to cheat on you and another decision to blame you for her indiscretion.

 

If she repeatedly tried to tell you about the issues and problems then some onus is on you for not listening, but she could have left you before cheating so don't let her get away with easing her guilt by blaming it on you. We all make choices and her choice was to have an affair first and talk to you about it second. There are many unhappy married people who made the decision to do what was right and discuss the issues wtih his or her partner first before going out and breaking their marital vows. She took the shortcut - it would have been more inconvenient i guess for her to divorce first so she had the affair first. Many unhappy people play the coward card and go out in search of a replacement for their spouse FIRST so that they are not left out in the cold when they have the talk about separation. Anyway you want to look at it these are very selfish actions. Some can condone it but I know that people have decisions they can make here and she made the decision that was based on deceit.

 

Feel free to print this post and give it to her if you like. I am all about accountability and she doesn't sound like she wants to take any for her own actions.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Some people cheat because their partner has taken them for granted and just doesn't bother with the relationship...so while it is entirely possible that cheating happened as a result of the bad dynamic in the relationship, the cheating itself is the fault of the person who cheated. There are other avenues one can take when a relationship is making you unhappy...talk, counselling, separation and divorce...cheating is not necessary.

[cs90453]

This other man was a friend of mine and he and his wife were just separated. We have no children but she wanted to and we were trying until I found out about the affair I told her that I was no longer ready for children so she gave me an ultimatium, no children no her. So I said that I was out. Now she's upset because I told my family why we were splitting up and she don't believe that they had a right to know...I disagree. If I had the affair and she was leaving my family I would have to explain why...just so they know the truth. BTW - I have never abused my wife or mistreated her. Not always been a picnic but I always thought that our marriage was strong, just like everyone else since all my friends and family are shocked.

[JadedStar]

Some people cheat because their partner has taken them for granted and just doesn't bother with the relationship...so while it is entirely possible that cheating happened as a result of the bad dynamic in the relationship, the cheating itself is the fault of the person who cheated. There are other avenues one can take when a relationship is making you unhappy...talk, counselling, separation and divorce...cheating is not necessary.

 

Exactly. Sometimes the person who cheats had valid reasons to have felt neglected and not cherished but they still make a conscience decision to cheat. They had several other ways they could have handled their problems if their spouse refused to listen, such as a separation.

 

I think people who cheat in these situations do it as they want to secure a replacement before leaving the spouse and i find it or worse of a "crime" in the marriage of being neglected.

[miracle29]

Crazy, I totally agree with you. When I was cheated on (many times) I realized that I had neglected him, and ignored him and just turned into a solo act! It is NOT ok that he cheated, but it was so much easier for me to get over it when I looked in the mirror and said "Ok this is wrong, this hurt, but now I know what part I played and now I know what I wont do again".

 

Cheating is not the answer because it hurts many people....but I see that I bashed my ex husband like he was the worst person in the world, when I too had done things to make him not so happy to come home. He and I are very good friends now..better friends now than we were when we got married! I can get over the cheating because I know that he was human made a mistake and is not some monster. Though some cheaters are sick twisted freaks, he was just a person who made stupid choices! I forgave him!

[JadedStar]

This other man was a friend of mine and he and his wife were just separated. We have no children but she wanted to and we were trying until I found out about the affair I told her that I was no longer ready for children so she gave me an ultimatium, no children no her. So I said that I was out. Now she's upset because I told my family why we were splitting up and she don't believe that they had a right to know...I disagree. If I had the affair and she was leaving my family I would have to explain why...just so they know the truth. BTW - I have never abused my wife or mistreated her. Not always been a picnic but I always thought that our marriage was strong, just like everyone else since all my friends and family are shocked.

 

You are absolutely correct and had every right to tell your family. So, let's recap - she sleeps with your friend, and then gives you an ultimatum after you find out then gets upset and blames you for the affair because you told your family you were splitting up.

 

I am calling this woman a real bonafide LOSER because that is sure what she sounds like from this end. I don't throw out that term lightly. She sounds very selfish and concerned for no one but herself.

 

Did i mention very selfish?

[miracle29]

This other man was a friend of mine and he and his wife were just separated. We have no children but she wanted to and we were trying until I found out about the affair I told her that I was no longer ready for children so she gave me an ultimatium, no children no her. So I said that I was out. Now she's upset because I told my family why we were splitting up and she don't believe that they had a right to know...I disagree. If I had the affair and she was leaving my family I would have to explain why...just so they know the truth. BTW - I have never abused my wife or mistreated her. Not always been a picnic but I always thought that our marriage was strong, just like everyone else since all my friends and family are shocked.

 

 

 

See he played his position. She vents to him, he plays his little role, probably promised her twins and more! This guy is just the "LOSER" i assumed he was! I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. Now see this is another part of the story. You never told her you would NEVER have children right? You just said "not ready now" correct?

 

 

So this is not about her being neglected ...this is about her wanting it her way or the high way?

See this guy is probably whispering all kinds of bs in her ear. I'm so sorry that this happened to you. Looks like she is doing this out of spite to get you back for her not getting her way. I don't think thats right. This mans wife..does she know? If so ..how is she handling this?

[cs90453]

Yeah I know it was dumb of me to let it go to that level but when I used to mention to her that she's talking to him too much and stuff like that she used to reassure me and then tell me that she loves me. So I bought it...hook, line, and sinker. We were trying to have kids since we got married but after years of trying, the stress of failure was too much so we decided to take a break from it. Then I found out about the affair just after we started to try again. She even told me that if we had kids she wouldn't of had an affair. So that soured the idea for me then and I didn't feel ready for that. It was less than a year after the affair and about six months after councilling. Even the councillors said to take a year to make sure.

[LifesontheUp]

She even told me that if we had kids she wouldn't of had an affair.

 

Wow........she is some sick lady Everyone else to blame but herself eh

 

You wife sounds very selfish and deceitful. She's even got the cheek to be annoyed you told family you were splitting up.....what c$%p.

 

In time you will realise you are so much better off without this piece of work in your life.

[miracle29]

Don't kick yourself for falling for it, because you were trusting...hell we are all guilty of trusting only later to be left with that stupid look on our faces like "I can't believe I fell for that".

 

She sounds very childish to me. So what happens when you do give her children and she gets bored or tired or restless again? Now there are lives involved and she'll be hurting not just you..but them too!

 

Whats next...

If you don't give me a boy?

If you don't change enough diapers?

If you don't do this?

This is a conditional woman...giving conditional love...love is so far from what she is giving!

 

Unless you can walk on water....I feel that you will just continue to be given stipulations and hurt! Your choice..but I'd start the running now! Be glad you didn't have a child by her. This can be a clean cut..and you can start over without an ugly Child Custody battle!

[mrmaximum]

Don't feel bad about what happened to you in this context. I've seen from your posts and threads that you are just trying to look at the situation and learn from it, maybe see where it is that you may have negatively influenced the situation. Crazy has hit the nail on the head, two people can indeed create a negative family environment, but only ONE person makes the choice to cheat. Unrepentant WS will always try to put the blame on the BS because they know that have no valid reason to have chosen the course of action that they had. I've said this many times before, if one really LOVES their house and enjoys living in it, why then would they try to put out the fire that threatens to destroy it with gasoline? One can't say they wanted to maintain the relationship when they engage in terminal behavior, the two are mutually exclusive!!

 

Keep your chin up, you are much better without this woman, and miracle is right, when we love someone we try to imagine the best of them and it can be difficult to see them for who they really are. It isn't stupid what you did, it was love and you can't beat yourself up for it. She was the one who decided not to change when you offered her the chance. Her loss, not yours, yeah?

 

Take Care

[JadedStar]

OP i know it hurts like crazy but do you realize how LUCKY you are you found out all of this now? What if by chance you DID have a child together? It would make it a lot harder to split up when you found out she was having affairs.

 

You have found out what your wife TRULY is made of and trust me when i say you have been given a gift to find this out now before you spent a long part of your life together and possibly have had kids to go thru the emotional torture later on.

 

You can now be free to find a woman who shares your values so you have a better shot at growing old with someone.

 

That is unless you take her back.

[jimthzz]

that you didn't have kids with this woman.

 

run as fast and far away from her as you can.

 

Shake off the dust and be glad you got away from her. Blaming you for her affair. wow.

[Extra Crispy]

While it would be great if all of us betrayed spouses could emotionally divorced ourselves after we discovered our spouses infidelity, the reality is that our 'love bank account' still has some funds left over before we can close it and move on. If this happens to be your situation, then perhaps you should consider separating from your wife before divorcing her. The time away from her will prepare you emotionally and financially to live without her and eventually make the final decision to divorce her less stressful and without being haunted by the 'what if's' that normally happen when almost all spouses feel when they proceed with a divorce after the discovery of the affair. Give it some thought.

[lady00]

Dr. Laura seems to think so:

 

link removed