Do you feel that both people are responsible for the affair?

[cs90453]

Thanks everyone for your comments. We are in the process of separating and I know that I will feel better about everything once this chapter is closed. We even talk about things now and I tell her about why I behaved the way I did. She always left the impression that she never wanted to hear anything I had to say about if I felt something. It's always been that way, even at work if I have issues and I try to discuss them with my boss, it's always feels like I'm talking to someone who just dosen't want to hear what I have to say about what I'm feeling. So I guess that I have learned to just shut up and swallow it. My wife was no different. We had situations in the past and when I get upset and tell her how I felt about it she would just dismiss it and then tell others what we talked about like it was a joke. This always hurt me deeply and I never felt that I could trust her with anything private. I always had trouble opening up to people and it's worse when people who should care don't.

[rob1984]

All i have to say is her actions and the "blame it all on you for my trouble", does not justify any reason for her to cheat.

Bro, if you say she's not remorseful for her actions, you need to stop seeing/talking/ or have any connection/relation with her. A person that committed such a foul does not deserve you.

Do not even worry about what she did anymore, since you stated that she will never admit fault or even the fact that she dismisses your point of view. thereforeeee you should consider leaving her behind for she is giving you a high stress meter which probably wont go away.

 

Good Luck

[cs90453]

You're right. I guess that it will be a little rough for the next little while until we sell the house and get our stuff divided. She's moving out next week and we are getting the issues hashed out so it will soon be over.

[Startingover2007]

NO, I believe both people are to blame for the problems in the relationship that may have lead to the affair but both people are not at fault for cheating.

 

My boyfriend tried this on me. He said he had problems he needed to talk about and didn't feel he could talk to me. All the affair did was cause us another problem.

[lady00]

NO, I believe both people are to blame for the problems in the relationship that may have lead to the affair but both people are not at fault for cheating.

 

I agree with this...in most cases. I would guess there are some where the other person does not contribute to the problems or there are no problems...but I think those cases are rare. Perhaps that is what Dr. Laura is trying to get at. I'm not sure.

[cs90453]

I read that too but I look at it differently. Maybe instead of it being the reason, maybe it's the excuse they need to do this without guilt. The problems in relationships that breakdown such as lack of communication are felt by both parties. I know that my wife has said that she wasn't happy for the past couple of years because of different things. I wasn't always happy either but I didn't go out and have an affair so if I did, would that have made it OK? I don't think that I could possibly hand her any responsibility for something she would have no idea was happening.

[Rabican]

My wife blames me for her affair and shows no remorse. Even now going through separation, she continues to see the other man and whatever else. I'm refusing to except blame for something that I didn't know was happening. Just wondering if anyone had any comments or opinions on this topic.

 

There is a chance that you are partially responsible for your relationship failing. IE if you dont show her affection, disrespect her etc. its natural for her to lose feelings for you and maybe want to end the relationship. HOWEVER there is NEVER EVER EVER an excuse for an affair. Thats HER DEAL and HER FAULT!!! end of story. Dont blame yourself for that. She made that choice, and thats it. Now that doesnt have anything to do with wether or not she should show remorse, or stop what shes doing or anything like that. Her actions now tell you one thing: run

 

Get as far away, as fast as you can and stay away from her. Forget her, and forget her new man. Move on.

[mrmaximum]

NO, I believe both people are to blame for the problems in the relationship that may have lead to the affair but both people are not at fault for cheating.

 

My boyfriend tried this on me. He said he had problems he needed to talk about and didn't feel he could talk to me. All the affair did was cause us another problem.

 

Precisely, I'm, not party to the paradigm that one is responsible for the infidelity of the other. BOTH parties are responsible for the maintenance of the relationship, if one decides to cheat then they show their true colors to their partner. There isn't one successfully married person on this site who can tell us that their marriage was 100% smooth sailing, there where some trying times to be sure, they got through them with good communication and NOT trying to nuke their relationship in the process. Tell me, how many people who want a decent retirement spend everything they make?

 

One partner is not responsible for the fidelity of the other. This just makes life too difficult to maintain. You are no longer partners, but a master and servant relationship now occurs. "If you treat me thusly, I won't cheat on you?" Hardly an equal relationship IMO!!

[Hellzapoppin]

This other man was a friend of mine and he and his wife were just separated. We have no children but she wanted to and we were trying until I found out about the affair I told her that I was no longer ready for children so she gave me an ultimatium, no children no her. So I said that I was out. Now she's upset because I told my family why we were splitting up and she don't believe that they had a right to know...I disagree. If I had the affair and she was leaving my family I would have to explain why...just so they know the truth. BTW - I have never abused my wife or mistreated her. Not always been a picnic but I always thought that our marriage was strong, just like everyone else since all my friends and family are shocked.

 

Your rush to tell your family that your wife cheated seems quite peculiar to me. You are still in the process of separating, yet you rush to them with the news?

 

I think there are some very real issues in this marriage.

[shoppingGirl]

Your rush to tell your family that your wife cheated seems quite peculiar to me. You are still in the process of separating, yet you rush to them with the news?

 

I think there are some very real issues in this marriage.

 

Ya think?

[cs90453]

No I didn't rush to tell my family. I actually told them a year after it happened. It was something that I never told anyone during the time we were together. I did this because if we did work things out and stayed together, I didn't want my family looking down at her for something that was over. Of course there were issues in the relationship...that goes without saying.