cs90453

I think that is a great idea that you and your wife have sat down and had a discussion about this. I guess that most people don't talk about it because they don't believe that such a thing could happen to their relationship. I will certainly keep in mind your idea when I have another relationship. As you said, at least we will have a clear understanding about how we both feel about it. I would like to wish everyone all the best in their relationships. I know some people who have gone through this and are still together so there is still hope. I even thought that my marriage was going to be saved but later realized that she wasn't into it and I didn't feel that she loved me anymore. So I guess it's important to know when to pull the plug and move on before too much time and energy is used. My father always says "No sense beating a dead horse"...I think that this could fit in a situation like this.

Good point...I for one isn't planning on throwing any stones at anyone including my ex. It also says Thou shalt not commit adultry and Thou shalt not convent thy neighbour's wife. I guess that there's alot of things in there that isn't followed. I don't follow it but I do try to live a good life and do onto others as I would have them done unto me. It's like some people have said, it isn't always the end of a relationship, just makes things more difficult to mend.

Very insightful comment. I feel it's so refreshing when I say what I feel about things. I agree that it isn't the end of a relationship if someone cheats. I was alot like you in my perspective of cheating in a relationship. I feel that I try to look at all angles when trying to fix a problem and an affair is no different. I looked at things that my ex was bringing up and I never downplayed anything that she mentioned were problems. The truth, people sometimes takes things for granted in a relationship and I was no different. I had my faults and I still do, but so did she. I accepted her faults and saw her good qualities so it didn't matter to me when she did and said things that were sometimes bothersome. I feel that when she had the affair, it was like she felt that she was doing everything right and I was doing things so wrong she had enough points collected to cash on something that was entirely for her. We too went through councilling. She wasn't being honest to herself and me, lied about how long it was and where it happened...especially lied about how she felt about me and the OM. Things were doomed from the start because we didn't really have a chance to rebuild the trust or anything in the relationship. Catching someone who is constantly lying and then defending her actions makes that uphill climb much more difficult. So I guess that every relationship can be saved but everyone involved has to be honest. That would be my advice to anyone trying to fix things. It's hard to tell the truth sometimes but problems have to be completely exposed in order to fix it. That cancer will grow back if it isn't completely removed.

You're exactly right mrmaxumum. When I was trying to fix things with my ex, I was so careful not to upset her and give her an excuse to do it again. The things that she said that made her want to do it was so trivial thinking back on it and I realize now that I was in no condition to think things through that I was doing everything just to try and make her happy, even if it meant that I wasn't happy. Looking back, I see now that she was willing to drive me crazy to keep her reputation in tact. This is why I'm so impressed with the way you put things JennyNifer. You simply were honest and even though you and your SO couldn't work things out, he at least is not carrying the guilt that he did things to directly cause the affair. My ex didn't show me that support that you did and maybe things would have been different if she did. I feel that when these things happen to a relationship, both people need to sit and talk about the problem and let each other know what they would be looking for to get the relationship back. These processes are hindered when the person who had the affair is trying to throw up smoke and mirrors, trying to give some dignified response at the expense of the cheatee.

Well it takes a big person to admit when they have made a mistake so for that I thank you. The important thing is that you try and learn from any experience and I guess that you're doing your best in this case also. Even though my relatioship didn't work out dosen't mean that I'm off the hook for everything that went wrong. I admit to everyone that I was the cause of some things that went sour and I will always say that. It's when the other person dosen't admit that they too were causing problems is when I have a problem.

I too have to appreciate your honesty JennyNifer. It takes alot of courage to say what you said. Although I don't agree with what you did in that situation of course, I do admire the fact that you take the responsibility for the act. That's something that more people need to do for the person. I feel that anyone who is asking someone for forgivness need to accept the responsibility for the action and not try to place blame or justify the act. I always feel that when I hear justification for something that we believe is wrong means that someone is saying that they were pushed to do something. Thanks again for being honest.

I tried to reconsile but she didn't seem to show any remorse and gave me ultimatum so I said no and we ended it. I even feel better about the decision to end it. Feel that it's easier to start a new than try to fix what we had...for both of us.