Should I go or should I not go? That is the question.

[Illyria07]

He made no mention of wanting to see me in any way so it's obvious he thought about it, he realized that he was getting in on my turf by going to this class and he realized it might not be cool. His attending the class is not about ME.

 

OR he is just not wanting to seem as if it's about you... You just don't know! My point is, DON'T try to interpret his intentions or meanings, there is no way of knowing unless he tells you straight out. Just focus on you, what will be best for you.

 

If you really don't want him there if you go in the future, will it make things more awkward to tell him so or to just go anyway and keep behaving 'as if'? Or to not go at all? No, it's not fair that he should hijack something that should be a kind of sanctuary for you, but that probably wasn't his intention and anyway it has happened, so you need to work out what course of action will cause you the least stress.

 

Personally, and not wanting to give false hope, I think the fact that he has expressed an interest in doing something he knows you enjoy and chooses to spend time somewhere he knows you are likely to be is a very good sign (in combination with other developments in your situation recently), but who knows what are in these people's heads...

[rapunzel]

I hear what you are saying, it is a possibility.

 

I don't know, I found myself spiraling downward emotionally after I hung up the phone. Cuz it didn't go the way I wanted to...why do I have to stick my neck out?? He's into this stuff (yoga, meditation) so my guess is he is GOING whether or not I am going.

 

I think I'm am going to wait. I'm exhausted anyway. I'd probably fall asleep. He's going to be in my neighborhood, he could have asked ME if I was available for anything after the class!!

 

I know, I could call him and ask him if he wants to have dinner after...I just don't know. Can't seem to do it.

[rapunzel]

He did not tell me straight out. But the fact that he called showed me he WAS thinking about it.

 

I've only been to the class once and he knows I'm a novice so it's not like he's wanting to do something with me that he knows I enjoy.

 

When I heard the phone ring I wondered if I should pick it up...I wonder if the conversation could have gone differently had I handled it differently.

 

I'm too terrified that if I call him again and ask him if he wanted to get together afterward that he would say no.

 

But in a way, I do need resolution to this...I could shoot out an email I suppose...

[Clabs]

Hey Rapunzel!

 

Here is my take on this - it is neither a male nor female - just what I see. I am not sure you will like what I have to say but here I go....

 

I think it is a little harsh to say that you sabotaged this. You wanted and had a "normal" conversation with him.

 

But here is the problem - you are wanting a romantic relationship with him but he, for at least now, does not. It bothers you that he may turn up at your new class but to my mind, it doesn't bother him - he is interested in this stuff and my view is that he wanted to go as a friend. He has even contacted you again to say he realises he may be stepping on your toes and that he wont go - that shows politeness and not the actions of someone who wants to be with you.

 

I don't know but in my view you have been friendzoned - he treats you like he might treat any other colleague - well - slightly differently as you have history.

 

He has has plenty of opportunity to get you back if he wanted - but it just hasn't happened, has it?

 

I may sound hard and harsh, but how much longer are you going to allow this to continue? I think you are a fantastic girl but I cannot see anything poitive happening here any time soon.

 

Just my 2 cents babe - take it for what it is, but also remind yourself how long this has gone on for.

 

Mark

[rapunzel]

Thanks for your input Clabs -

 

You're right, it's not what I want to hear. Well I'm glad I didn't call or email to again today as I know emotionally I could not handle him saying no. It's tough to know he's right down the street and I imagined him meeting someone else at this class, etc. Ugh.

 

When you say "how long will I let this continue?" you mean how long will I hold out hope, right? Because as long as I work with him, this stuff will continue. Of course, I can say "no" to any more time alone or "friends" stuff with him. I can tell him I'd prefer he NOT go to the class if he tells me he wants to continue going in the future. But by me telling him that it would bother me lets him know he continues to affect me, which I have been trying to avoid since we work together.

 

The only way I can avoid him completely is to quit my situation. I hate to do that.

 

I know what you are saying about him calling me today regarding stepping on my toes was just to be polite and not what someone who was interested would say, but it is just one interpretation....

 

Anyway, I'm going to try to let this be for now. It has really tired me out. I have to see him Thursday and I'll have a better idea, I hope, of how to handle this if he tells me he wants to continue going to the class. Do you have any suggestions?

[EyesOnThePrize]

Rapunzel - I read link removed the other day and found it interesting. It talks about setting a deadline for him to poop or get off the pot.

[emalkoc]

Rapunzel, I told you somewhere else too..You have to move on and not hold onto this relationship..Agree with Clabs.

[Batya33]

Batya, why do you lose sympathy about her working with her ex? Yes, they broke up, but it shouldn't be up to her to give up an activity that she likes, so she can be away from her ex. And also, from reading her post, it seems her ex is trying to reach out to her. He is going to an activity that is out of his norm. Sometimes ex's take time before asking for reconciliation. And he probably wants to see if she DOES want reconcilaiton, before reaching out.

 

Batya, I am not criticizing your response, just curious as to why you would say what you said.

 

Interesting post you wrote but it doesn't really respond to what I wrote. I wrote that I don't sympathize when she goes beyond what she has to do in order to work with him - be polite, professional, and discuss work-related things. If she chooses to go past the professional boundary and discuss personal things and the activities she is doing I start to lose sympathy about how difficult it must be for her to work with her ex since she is making it far more difficult than it needs to be.

[Batya33]

I think it also takes time, I started a thread about it. I mean it cant be easy to ask for them back and they probably wanna see how things are first. I'm sure they have their own little ways of doing it

 

Yes, of course but I believe that these signs should be ignored and only the real thing "I want to be with you" given attention - otherwise it drives the person to distraction, a little insane and leads to self-denial like (in my opinion) that these things (the meditation class) just "happens" to come up. We all have control over what we share especially with people we know can hurt us and who we need to keep our distance from.

 

And Rapunzel - I never said I had no sympathy for you, I just don't have sympathy when you cross boundaries with your ex and make things needlessly complicated for yourself. I sympathize about the dilemma of working with him or giving up the band you love so much.

[wtm78]

i dont want to lift your hope up too high. but i think he do care about you.

 

i mean, if i am done with an ex, i would just cut off all contact permanently. staying around escorting you and all does show some interest level. I DONT KNOW.. but maybe as some suggest, he is lingering around. reconcilation doesnt happen overnight..

 

but i wont put in too much hope if i were you.. think you should focus on yourself and healing at the moment.. if anything of that happen, it will be a bonus..

[Clabs]

Hey Rapunzel

 

"When you say "how long will I let this continue?" you mean how long will I hold out hope, right? Because as long as I work with him, this stuff will continue."

 

I know it is hard for you because you work together. You have made a choice to stay because you love it there and quite rightly so. But if this means that as long as you work together you will hold out hope, then I really think you should reconsider a change because as you point out - you are finding all this exausting.

 

I still don't think he has any romantic interest. He has shown this with his actions. He is being polite and friendly around you - quite right too. He doesn't have a problem being around you either - he sees you as a friendly colleague. The more I think about it - the fact that he called you up to see if you minded him going to this new class is very telling - he knows it may affect you and didn't want to hurt you.

 

I know this is not easy but in my view, you need to tell yourself that he is not emotionally available and keep reminding yourself this - he doesn't want a relationship with you. Otherwise, you are going to keep on worrying and wondering - reading into any and everything that he says or does - frightened to answer the phone - scared you said the wrong thing to him blah. You have to get your head around this because it is going to drive you nuts otherwise.

 

I have worked with two exes in the past and it is very hard to start with - everything seems so unatural - so false. But I soon came to realise that even during times where we were getting on really well, this did not mean that there was a chance of reconcilliation. Yes - there may have been some flirty signs - but only because we had had a relatively long relationship and that stuff just doesn't stop full stop.

 

I know this is just my take on this, but it is what I see - as I said it ain't what you want to hear. I just don't want you to be still posting on here in another few months that he has sent a group email out, or that he gave you a lift to work etc and what does it mean.

 

Mark

[Addicus]

HEY RAP..not sure what to say. I guess my pesonal take on it is pretty neutral. Neither good nor bad (sheesh I am sitting on the fence and I hate the fence!). I am unsure of his intent.....the only thing is that he is not in an emotional place like you so seeing you or hanging out with you is very easy for him, harder for you.

 

Just keep moving forward. Letting go really is the goal you need to set for yourself, take yourself back to a happy place!

[rapunzel]

i dont want to lift your hope up too high. but i think he do care about you.

 

i mean, if i am done with an ex, i would just cut off all contact permanently. staying around escorting you and all does show some interest level. I DONT KNOW.. but maybe as some suggest, he is lingering around. reconcilation doesnt happen overnight..

 

but i wont put in too much hope if i were you.. think you should focus on yourself and healing at the moment.. if anything of that happen, it will be a bonus..

 

thanks wtm - I agree that he cares about me on some level. He's a sensitive human being albeit a bit self-centered, he's not a jerk. I am a nice person and I have conducted myself well throughout this whole thing and we work intimately together, thankfully with a buffer of 7 - 9 other people. He was very attracted to me at one time. He probably would not have taken the time to have that major talk with me and then offered to drive me around...if he did not care at all ....so in my view, the talk could have been "closure" for him to dump out his guilt (gee thanks), and then an offer of friendship by the rest of his words and actions.

 

If we did not work together, who knows? I would have disappeared and it's possible I would never have heard from him again.

 

I know I cannot hold out hope. It's a struggle but I just have to change my mindset about him....and tell myself I don't want someone who does not want me. That it probably would never work anyway based on the history.

 

And I know once I meet someone else who rocks my world, all this will become a memory.

[rapunzel]

I think I'll adopt Batya's attitude (thanks Batya) because obviously I do overanalyze all his words and actions...and I've never heard from his lips that it was a mistake and he wants me back. He did say he regrets the way he handled everything, he's terribly sorry for how he must have hurt me and he should not have "run", instead he should have communicated to me. These words combined with his actions that weekend infused me with some hope. But he hasn't followed through so I can't linger on those particular words, giving them more meaning than face value.

 

Thanks Clabs and emalkoc for the reality check....and addicus....yes, it is much easier for him....he's certainly not posting on a board analyzing my every move. I requested that Language of Letting Go book from the library and it's actually waiting for me....so hopefully that will help.

 

As far as quitting my situation, it might happen for me. There's some other stuff going on with other people and who knows if this project will continue past this year. It's sobering to think that I'll possibly struggle with this through the end of this year but at least there might be an end in sight. In the meantime I'll try to focus on myself, and meeting new people and enjoying my own life....without him in it. I have to think of him as some guy I work with, just another person....

 

A friend advised that if tomorrow he tells me how much he liked the class, that I could say "you know Ex, I thought about it and it actually would be better for me if you found another place to meditate". Yeah, it may give him an ego boost that he knows his presense there would affect me (how could I possibly meditate with him sitting in the same room?) but at least an activity that I had chosen for my own peace of mind, would be mine alone and I would not have to avoid going there because of him.

[Daria_Lane]

A friend advised that if tomorrow he tells me how much he liked the class, that I could say "you know Ex, I thought about it and it actually would be better for me if you found another place to meditate". Yeah, it may give him an ego boost that he knows his presense there would affect me

 

That's the sucky part. But it's a brave thing to do..lol personally Im tioo stubborn, I'd probably not sya anyything but keep my anger inside and scream about it after every class when I get home. Your situation is so much better though. Lmao

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I agree with Clabs, Emalkoc and Batya. He is not doing anything concrete to show that he wants to try again. The ONLY thing that matters is actually sitting down and talking about giving the relationship another try...vague signs and wonders are of no value and just lead to confusion, false hopes and a rollercoaster of emotions.

[Daria_Lane]

What do you guys (CAD, Clabs and Batya) suggets she does with the new situation at hand though

 

The whole thing with him calling and asking if it's fine that he attende dthe class. Should she tell him that she's bothered or not let him know that it'll get to her?

[rapunzel]

Thanks CAD - good advice. The stuff that happened 2 weeks ago threw me for a loop and set me back a bit. But on reflection I know it doesn't mean he wants reconciliation.

 

You know, maybe he will say the class wasn't for him. And with summer coming chances are I won't be going to the class much anyway, I'm more outdoorsy and will be on my bike or swimming or rollerblading at that time. I'm not going to worry about it.

 

A really ZEN thing would be to go the class, even if he WAS there...and learn to focus my mind on anything but him...that would be the true test!

[Clabs]

Hey Rapunzel

 

"A friend advised that if tomorrow he tells me how much he liked the class, that I could say "you know Ex, I thought about it and it actually would be better for me if you found another place to meditate"."

 

I agree with your friend. I don't think it will boost his ego and so what if it does. That was your place that you found and you want to go and have a bit of peace and quiet. Whilst you are in this emotional state, how the hell indeed are you supposed to relax with the prospect of him turning up?

 

You have to try to get your brain to the point where you don't care what he is thinking or doing honey.

 

Mark

[rapunzel]

Thanks Mark -

 

I guess I'll just see how it goes. If he tells me he loved it and wants to go next week then I'll say something.

 

I do want to get my brain to that point. I know the best way is to stay really busy and distracted by other people and activities. But the fact that seeing him is always looming in the future, due to our working together, makes this exceedingly difficult.

[Clabs]

Hey honey

 

I know it isn't easy - I have previously worked with two exes (not at the same time of course and I struggled in the early days. I think that you need to keep bashing it into your head that he doesn't want anything more. I eventually got it and it was wonderful when I did!

 

Good luck.

 

Mark

[browneyedgirl36]

Hey Rapunzel --

 

I am weighing in really, really late on this, because I wasn't really sure what to say, but I understand everyone's points of view on this, and I know how hard it is to know what is happening inside another person's head. I know how tempting it is to try to figure out why an ex is doing or saying a particular thing, but you can never know why unless you ask him directly, and trying to figure it out will just drive you nuts. I say this from my own personal experience, of course. I have found that the less I interact with my ex, the less I have to analyze and over-analyze, so keeping my interactions with him brief has really helped a lot. I admit, I still wonder every once in awhile why he did or said something, but then I quickly remind myself that what he's doing or saying probably has little or nothing to do with me. I am not really *in* his life anymore; he has so much other stuff going on that has nothing to do with me that making the assumption that he is thinking about me or feeling a certain thing, or doing a certain thing (i.e. leaving work without saying anything "because he wants to avoid me") because of me is a waste of energy. I'm not saying he never thinks of me. Maybe he does. I have no way of knowing for sure though, unless I ask him, which I have NO intention of doing.

And, today, I realized that the fact that I AM thinking of HIM so much and wondering so much about him means that I need to have more going on in MY life so that he doesn't occupy so many of my thoughts.

 

I don't have any words of wisdom, really. I know that you've had a lot of people on this thread telling you that unless your ex says he wants to try again, he probably doesn't want to at this point, and I tend to agree with that. I don't know for sure, though. No one does, except him. My feeling is that you have to take the conversation a few weeks ago at face value -- that he is sorry for how he handled things with you and considers you a wonderful person and a friend -- and until/unless he tells you otherwise, that friendship is what he wants with you. Certainly, you could ASK him what he thinks about reconciliation, but something tells me that he might not give the answer that you'd want, at least at this point, and asking him might make things more awkward between the two of you.

 

I know how hard it is. I had a strange interaction with my ex today where he stepped really close to me and our faces were inches away from each other, like we were going to kiss or something (I knew we weren't of course), and for a SECOND I thought -- aha! He's still attracted to me! I wonder if he still feels something for me???? And then, I came back down to earth and said to myself "Um...no. We were joking around, and it was part of the joke. It may have been flirting, but it was harmless flirting. It didn't mean anything."

 

I know I have it *easier* than you do because my situation is 99.99999% totally hopeless since he's with someone else, so there's not nearly the room for ambiguity that there is in your situation, but I do know how you feel. I get the summer off from my ex, too, which will make things easier, as much as I will miss seeing him.

 

Hang in there. Give us an update about the meditation class thing, if there is one.

[rapunzel]

hi browneyedgirl -

 

Thanks for weighing in! You're lucky to get the summer off from working with your ex. I would love to have that opportunity. It's true - the less interaction with my/your ex, the less analysis and thus the less paralysis. I will be taking some time off from the band this summer, we don't have a lot scheduled...and with other people in the group having their own issues, I might be able to get a few weeks or a month off from seeing my ex. I'm hoping.

 

I will take my ex's words at face value. I will take my ex's words at face value. I will take my ex's words at face value. This is my new mantra. And no, I absolutely have no intention of asking him if he wants reconciliation.

 

I think it's only human and really everyone does it, e.g. the incident where your ex was inches away from your face...that your mind starts leaping around. And then you just catch yourself and remind yourself that it was just a harmless incident. Does not have any hidden meaning. It is WHAT IT IS.

 

Not sure what will happen with the class. I'll see him tonight. I'm not going to bring it up though. And I've decided I'm NOT going to tell him I don't want him to go to it. I really don't want to give him that ego boost. I'm just letting it go. I'll go to the class when I feel like it... you can get there early and literally close your eyes the whole time and if he is one of the 60 or 70 people who show up, I won't even have to know he's there and I can just assume he isn't. If on the other hand he TELLS me he is planning to attending regularly (which I don't anticipate as we rehearse the same night usually, and it would be tough for him to do both, not living close by) then I'll reassess how I feel. Perhaps I will ask him to find another place to meditate.

 

I was doing a lot better with the situation....I really felt like I had a grip and was starting to move on emotionally. The big talk he sat me down for threw a monkey wrench into my progress. I know he's not seeing anyone, and he may have heard I'm not seeing anyone. I know I can speculate until the cows come home over his motives for doing that (as well as for attending the class I told him about) and I'll never really know.

 

So today I'm letting go of it and reminding myself I have no control over him - I only can control myself. All I can do is have faith in myself, that I'll get through this and emerge stronger. And continue living the best life I can.

[Batya33]

yes, we all do what you do/did, yes it's natural just - my opinion - be careful about excusing your behavior as something "everyone would do" because the issue is the extent to which you behave this way, the continued choices you make to have contact with him beyond what is necessary, etc. It sounds like you are on a GREAT path and I wish you the best with that!

[rapunzel]

Thanks batya - I am going to tread more carefully in the future regarding revealing details of my personal life to my ex. If he wants access to my personal life he's going to have to show me repeatedly that he wants more than just friends. I don't count on that happening but I realize that the more info I give him, the more he may try to intrude on my life - for whatever his reasons - he gets access to me and thus the proverbial ego boost, he gets to keep me in his back pocket, etc....and it definitely puts a damper on my being able to move on.