Should I go or should I not go? That is the question.

[rapunzel]

Some background info is here:

 

I mentioned to my ex when he was driving me around two weekends ago that I had gone to a beginner meditation class near where I live. It's literally a 5 minute walk down the street and is kind a cool thing. He's into stuff like that so somehow we began talking about it two weeks ago.

 

He asked me last Thursday night at a performance we had if I had gone again and I said I had not as I did not get out of work early enough. Last night at our rehearsal he first asked me about a guy who came to our show who I work with, and then a few minutes later he says "So I'm thinking of going to that class tomorrow, it's at 6:00Pm right?" and just as he's saying this someone else bursts in the door and was upset about something and the attention all went to that person. So I never found out WHY my ex was telling me he was going - to warn me, to see if I wanted to go, etc. Of course, I wondered if maybe he would suggest we'd get together afterwards.

 

So it never came up again and at the end of the night he just say good night to everyone and left. I briefly considered asking him, as his car was near mine, if he was going to go but I decided against it. It sounds like he is.

 

So now I'm kind of disappointed and a tad pissed that I had found something that I hoped would help ME get some PEACE of mind and it's something I can WALK to and now my ex says HE is going to be there. He lives in a different city several miles away. I suppose I could just go and say to myself "to hell with him, I'm the one who found this class, it's in my neighborhood and just because he's going doesn't mean I'm NOT going to go." You know? I guess he has NO clue how I feel.

 

OR is it POSSIBLE he is going because he wants to be near me?

 

Part of me is afraid he's going to think if I go and he sees me there that I went because I knew HE would be there. Which doesn't make a lot of sense since I told HIM about it. RIGHT? It will be hard to concentrate, really meditate and feel entirely comfortable with him there...but maybe I should just do it. Maybe it would be good for me.

 

Any thoughts? What about what happens if I see him after class? There are a lot of people there, at least 50 or 60. Do we just say goodbye and go our separate ways? So I suggest we go for tea or something? Grrrrrr!!

[CatsMeeoow]

Rap -

 

He's trying - in his own way without acting like he's pushng you away. He has NO reason to go to THAT class. Even if it's something he's interested in I'm have no doubt there are other options out there... it doesn't have to be this class.

 

I think he's trying to reach out to you.

 

Cats

[pumpkinmoon]

I agree too. I think you should go along whether he is going to be there or not xx

[Batya33]

See, this is where I start to lose a bit of sympathy for you having to work with your ex. This meditation class has nothing to do with working with your ex, it is none of his business whether you go to a class like that, and if he does go that is a situation you created and that was within your control to stop from happening. You don't need to be driving around with your ex, or "mentioning" activities you are doing that are not work related because this is the likely impact. I would have a different opinion if you were over him.

 

It sounds like you are trying to sabotage your healing.

 

I would not analyze anything he says or does other than "I made a mistake and I want to be with you and only you." Otherwise you torture yourself with this look he gave you, that inflection and whether he is going to a class because this is an interest of his or because he wants to see you. He might very well want to see you as a benefit - it's good for the ego to be around someone who obviously wants you. Or he might want you back.

 

But if it's the latter I would do everything in my power to stop myself from going there unless or until he says the six words it takes or less "I want to be with you".

 

 

If I am misunderstanding your motives or what happened, i apologize.

[renaissancewoman101]

Batya, why do you lose sympathy about her working with her ex? Yes, they broke up, but it shouldn't be up to her to give up an activity that she likes, so she can be away from her ex. And also, from reading her post, it seems her ex is trying to reach out to her. He is going to an activity that is out of his norm. Sometimes ex's take time before asking for reconciliation. And he probably wants to see if she DOES want reconcilaiton, before reaching out.

 

Batya, I am not criticizing your response, just curious as to why you would say what you said.

[pumpkinmoon]

Batya, why do you lose sympathy about her working with her ex? Yes, they broke up, but it shouldn't be up to her to give up an activity that she likes, so she can be away from her ex. And also, from reading her post, it seems her ex is trying to reach out to her. He is going to an activity that is out of his norm. Sometimes ex's take time before asking for reconciliation. And he probably wants to see if she DOES want reconcilaiton, before reaching out.

 

Batya, I am not criticizing your response, just curious as to why you would say what you said.

 

I think it also takes time, I started a thread about it. I mean it cant be easy to ask for them back and they probably wanna see how things are first. I'm sure they have their own little ways of doing it

[renaissancewoman101]

Shoefairy, I agree with you. It takes time and sometimes the dumper is hesistant to ask for the ex back because they don't know if the ex wants them back.

[rapunzel]

Well, I don't expect any sympathy from Batya. She's usually doling out tough love which can be a good thing. I think she means well but this is not me trying to sabotage my healing. Thanks for your response and support, Ren.

 

We had that intense talk 2 weeks ago and that weekend I took him up on his offers to escort me to our mutual events. Perhaps that was not the right move, I don't know. I don't agree wth you, Batya that the only acceptable gesture if the ex saying those magic words and ONLY those magic words. Life is not black and white, it is all shades of gray and this includes relationships. My ex is human and an individual, there's no cookie cutter way these things go. Some of this happening now are his actions. That said, I'm not saying he wants reconciliation - I clearly don't know what he wants and no one does except HIM.

 

So I took a chance two weekends ago. The class came up in the course of conversation, I certainly did not tell him with any intention of him going. I was not sure what his big TALK was about, if it was him testing the waters, or dumping his guilt or what. So I spent some time with him to see where it went or where it did NOT go. I can't avoid the guy....we are musicians, we do not work in a corporate environment so it's a LOT looser and more intimate, like a family. It's not like I'm wearing a suit to work and escaping into my cubicle. My ex is a sensitive guy, he's described himself as a shy guy. Maybe he's waiting for some opening from me? I don't know.

 

Cats, you are usually positive about these sorts of things. I'm going to just see how I feel at the end of the day. I can always skip this week and go next week.

 

If he REALLY wanted to see me for some reason and this was the motive for him asking me about the class, he would email or call me today to see if I was going...he was there last night and knows our conversation was interrupted. He could easily follow up today. Or not.

[pumpkinmoon]

Shoefairy, I agree with you. It takes time and sometimes the dumper is hesistant to ask for the ex back because they don't know if the ex wants them back.

 

Yeah definitley, esp if they see we are getting on with our lives and are cool about things

[pumpkinmoon]

The probably wonder what the hell is going on, like how we went from being so hung up on them and begging and pleading to acting like we dont care anymore.

[Daria_Lane]

I think Batya just thinks you should have kept such info to yourself..now he's gonna be barging in. Bad enough you see each other at rehersals, now at a place where you are SUPPOSED to be concentrating on your well being, how is that possible when the person causing this is in the SAME ROOM with you. Perosnally I'd be a mess and angry that he;s even going.

 

Maybe he wants to be closer, who knows but still I see it as an obstacle. He sees enough of you in the band. This is almsot stalking cos you dont even know what he truly feels. Could be a way to booast the ego by knowing you'd probbaly be staying at him the entire time/making you uncomfortable. If you two end up talking so9metime soon,. I'd ask him why he decided to go there, see how he reacts.

[rapunzel]

The probably wonder what the hell is going on, like how we went from being so hung up on them and begging and pleading to acting like we dont care anymore.

 

Well I NEVER begged, pleaded, asked why, tried to spend time with him. I never initiated anything post break up. I made ONE innocuous phone call to him in January and it was at the urging of my friend, to save my ex a trip into the city when I found out a place we were all going was closed. I have always acted "as if" all was well and I "did not care". I had to work with him, no one knew about us and I felt acting "as if" was my only recourse. I'm glad I never fell at his feet, I have been dignified throughout this whole thing.

 

I'm sure his curiosity has been piqued by my seeming lack of interest. I have a feeling most of his past girlfriends have tried to make it work with him, on their own initiative, and I have done nothing. Well, I did accept a few of his gestures over the months...

[rapunzel]

Well yeah, perhaps Batya is right. But when people are conversing, which we were, people tend to talk about themselves and what they are doing in their lives. This is how it came up.

 

You're right, he does see a lot of me in the band. Actually, I'm feeling pretty tired today and I'll probably skip the class anyway. It's not like I had to pay upfront or anything, it's pay as you go. He very well may be looking for an ego boost. I'm going to be seeing him Thurs. night anyway. We'll see if he brings it up...

 

I would not stare at him if we were both there. It's a Buddhist meditation class. You sit on a cushion and half close your eyes and face forward to the shrine. Besides, I deliberately try not to look at him anymore than is normal. Which is difficult as he is exceedingly beautiful.

 

A friend of mine who has met him thought I should follow up with him today and ask him if he was going....and then ask him to go to tea or something afterwards. But I've decided I'm not going to do this! I'll wait until Thursday and see what happens....I think....at least that is the way I'm feeling right now.

 

If this is him putting out feelers or trying to spend time with me, I don't want to push it.

[Daria_Lane]

Do you know if he's going tonight?

 

If so, on Thursday, causally ask him about the class since You're not/didnt go, what he thought of it and make it seem like you might not be interested anymore and see how he reacts..that should give you a little hint on why he decided to go.

[Illyria07]

Well yeah, perhaps Batya is right. But we were driving to a rehearsal together two weeks ago, after he had his talk with me, so I decided to go along with things and see where they went. When people are conversing, people tend to talk about themselves and what they are doing in their lives. This is how it came up.

 

I think you are right in this; if you are going to get back to some kind of 'normal' relationship with him (which I personally think would be a healthy way of 'getting back together' with someone), you have to able to talk to him as 'normally' as you can. Of course they're our exes and thereforeeee these things are never easy, but you can't guard and scheme every conversation... It's a fine line though!

[Daria_Lane]

well normal yea but I dont think you should tell them everything.

 

My ex and I have pretty much the same tazste in movies and music so i personally wouldnt tell him about any concert I might be interested in and know he'd wanna go unless we were going together. No way in hell would i mention stuff if i know it'd just end up being me bumping into him there

 

hell to the No.

[rapunzel]

Do you know if he's going tonight?

 

If so, on Thursday, causally ask him about the class since You're not/didnt go, what he thought of it and make it seem like you might not be interested anymore and see how he reacts..that should give you a little hint on why he decided to go.

 

No, I don't know if he is...he told me last night he thought he would go and said "so it's 6:00PM, right?" and then we were interrupted.

 

Maybe I'll ask him on Thursday, or maybe not. I don't initiate or ask him much about himself or what he's been up to. This has been my M.O. since he broke up with me. I'll just see how it goes. If it comes up in conversation or if he brings it up then I'll ask him more about it.

[renaissancewoman101]

Are you going to go to your yoga class?

[rapunzel]

Are you going to go to your yoga class?

 

hey Ren -

 

This is a meditation class, not yoga. Actually I was thinking I might do some yoga at home which I do pretty regularly anyway. I didn't sleep that well last night, probably based partly on my ex saying that he might be going AND some other stuff that is going on in my life. So at the moment I'm feeling too pooped to go anywhere after work today.

[rapunzel]

well normal yea but I dont think you should tell them everything.

 

My ex and I have pretty much the same tazste in movies and music so i personally wouldnt tell him about any concert I might be interested in and know he'd wanna go unless we were going together. No way in hell would i mention stuff if i know it'd just end up being me bumping into him there

 

hell to the No.

 

I certainly don't tell my ex everything....in fact, I tell him hardly anything about my life. This is unusual, that I would tell him about this class...but what happened two weekends ago was an unusual turn of events. My ex has told me about a lot of things he does and I purposefully do NOT go (even though a few times they have been things I've WANTED to go to that are in my neighborhood!)

[rapunzel]

Again I find myself hoping for a male opinion here!

[Daria_Lane]

Lol I miss Zorba.

[rapunzel]

Yeah what happened to Zorba??

 

Maybe jettison will happen upon my post?

 

Here's another little tidbit I left out earlier. Last night I caught him gazing at me quite intently for quite a long time...of course, I did not let on that I saw him doing this....

[rapunzel]

My ex just called me and his reason for calling was that he was planning to go tonight and he did not want me to think he was "honing" in on my meditation class. I told him I was not planning to go tonight anyway but that I was planning to go next week. I did hesitate a bit and then said it was not a big deal which I now regret saying, because if he's going to start going then it DOES impact me. He asked me about parking in the area, and I told him.

 

He made no mention of wanting to see me in any way so it's obvious he thought about it, he realized that he was getting in on my turf by going to this class and he realized it might not be cool. His attending the class is not about ME. But he has the sensitivity to recognize that he might be making me uncomfortable by doing this. So I let him off the hook for tonight because I was not prepared for this conversation and I was half expecting him to ask me if I was going to go tonight.

 

So NOW how should I handle this? I had an opportunity to talk to him and I didn't take it...I just wasn't prepared. Should I call him back? Talk to him on Thursday and find out if he's planning to go every week now? Just let it go, go to the class if I want to and ignore him if he's there?

[CatsMeeoow]

Well that's one way to look at it...

 

Maybe he was hoping that you would be going.

 

I'd wait till Thursday and ask how it went... if he knows you aren't going he just might have some excuse why he didn't make it... he may be like why go now if you won't be there? But, maybe he goes because he wants to talk about it with you? Has an inside tract to what is happening in your life...

 

You can look at this 2 ways... ONLY he knows what he is doing... speculating is killing yourself...

 

Do you want to keep living like this? Just step up to the plate... call him up and say "you know what I do think I'm going to go and how bout getting a bite to eat with me afterwards and we can chat about it" OR "call him up and say - YES it bothers me that you are going"

 

You are the one making your life difficult... you are working so hard at everything he says or does with you. It must be getting exhausting!!!!!

 

You could be missing out on a great life!

 

This is true whether you get back together or not... You're still hanging on to his every word and look...

 

I will forge a wager with you!!! If you call him up and say you'll be going and then about the dinner after and he says YES... then you have to do my laundry for 30 days! If he says NO then I'll donate $50 to your favorite charity!

 

LIVE A LITTLE

 

Whats the worse thing? He says no and you finally stop looking at him with those droopy eyes and make off for a new guy....

 

Hugs

Cats