Should I go or should I not go? That is the question.

[Clabs]

Hey Rapunzel

 

That is the spirit hun - try to keep up this momentum to drive you forward to a better place. When you manage to detach yourself from all this cr@p then you open yourself up for so many more opportunities - remind yourself of this.

 

The cool thing is that you are smart enough to wise up and see what is going on here - you may have needed prodding in the right direction but that is ok - we all need a bit of hand holding through this stuff from time to time

 

Mark

[Batya33]

Thanks batya - I am going to tread more carefully in the future regarding revealing details of my personal life to my ex. If he wants access to my personal life he's going to have to show me repeatedly that he wants more than just friends. I don't count on that happening but I realize that the more info I give him, the more he may try to intrude on my life - for whatever his reasons - he gets access to me and thus the proverbial ego boost, he gets to keep me in his back pocket, etc....and it definitely puts a damper on my being able to move on.

 

I don't think he has to show you repeatedly - because the "I want us to get back together and make this work" requires one sentence, said once, after which you are bf/gf. If you mean that you want him to say that repeatedly before you'll believe it, well, ok, you're entitled to your standards. I think you mean that you are going to keep looking for signs of romantic interest and when you see enough signs whatever those are you will be more open with him. I think that is a mistake and this thread is one example of why.

[rapunzel]

Thanks Batya....I think I was going with the whole "actions speak louder than words" thing...when I said he would have to show me, rather than tell me.

 

Anyway, it's all moot. It's over.

 

I blew it by telling him about my class. I know this. It was a mistake. I truly did not tell him with any intent, that I thought he would want to go to my class. At least not consciously. So please be gentle and no lambasting me or whipping me with a verbal wet noodle.

 

But last night he told me (and two other guys sitting at the table at the end of the night) about how fabulous this place is and how much he loved it....and he is going to try to go "every week or as much as he can". I had my opportunity to tell him when he called me Tuesday that I was uncomfortable with it, but I was at work when he called, was not prepared for the conversation and I left him off the hook. Last night I think he sensed my continued discomfort ...he even said "R, that's why I called and asked you...etc" He noted my hesitation and I'm sure my face showed my discomfort but with the other guys sitting there I felt awkward and constrained. The bottom line is I think he will continue to go to this.

 

Now I feel I cannot backtrack and tell him the truth.....or perhaps I can. I haven't decided how to deal with this yet. And the fact that he has now told others about it makes me think I have to just also "let this go". It's certainly not in the Buddhist philosophy to tell someone "no, you can't go - that's MY class". Buddhism and meditation is all about detachment, LETTING GO and living in the present moment. And accepting WHAT IS.

 

So another life lesson. I remind myself that in the grand scheme of things, this is just a blip and eventually I'll get over it. Thanks all for the support. I realize I tried to read into his recent behavior and what he said, and that it has nothing to do with me, it's all about him. This is kind of a selfish move of him to come to my class.

 

Maybe this will be a spiritual test for me...if I can go to the class and really learn to focus my mind and let go of the fact that he might be in the same room, and transcend that...I can really move on and get over him. This is my hope anyway.

[Yodabell]

If you feel it will be an obstacle to your healing that he is at your class, then you need to tell him.

 

I don't see it as selfish on his part - he may think you've moved on, he asked you if it was ok that he went and you said yes. So how would he know that you're not ok with it?

 

I have had similar situations with my ex (who I occasionally cannot avoid bumping into in social situations as it's a small community and we have mutual friends) where he has befriended "my" friends or come to events that he may not normally have done. And I have gone through the whole "he is so selfish, can't he just let me get on with my life??"

 

And you know - he is just doing what I'm doing. Which is going out and meeting new people and trying new things and taking opportunities to do stuff. He's just a person who wants people to like him, the same as most of us do. And if I'd still been doing the upset, crying, or angry ex stuff - he'd stay away. But, like you, I act "as if" and sometimes I really am not tht bothered if he's at something or not...so he no doubt has no idea how I sometimes feel inside after I get home.

[rapunzel]

He might think it was not all OK by the look on my face, that I hesitated last night when he asked me, and he picked up on this. He may sense I'm not completely Ok with it but I did intimate it was OK because I was a wuss and felt awkward with the other people sitting there. This is my own fault, I know. So yes, I could make this more clear. I just don't know if it's the right thing for me to do. :sad:

 

And I hear what you are saying. He is just living his life. And it's much easier for him to be around me since he does not have the same feelings for me that I have for him. This is reality.

 

I just feel weird NOW saying, since he's gone and he's reportedly so excited about the class: "Please don't go to it, it's something I want for me and I'm not comfortable with you being there".

 

EDIT:

 

I was thinking I could send him an email like this:

 

hi Ex -

 

I appreciate your calling me to ask me how I felt about you coming to the meditation class. Because I was at work when you called I didn't really think about how I responded. The truth is I'm not entirely comfortable with you coming regularly to the class. It was a place I wanted to go for some peace of mind, I can walk there and I do regret not being clear about this when you called.

 

I cannot tell you not to attend the class but I felt I should be honest that I am not comfortable with it.

[Batya33]

I guess that would be fine but not if it becomes yet another way you communicate with him or stay in contact outside of what is absolutely essential. Hopefully he will respond briefly and directly (and not start a whole sideshow of contact and analysis about this class, etc), and if he still goes to that same class, that you will be able to ignore him as much as possible.

[rapunzel]

Well, I have decided not to send him an email.

 

I'm letting go of the situation, as much as I can. If I decide to go to the class next week or whenever, I will go. I'll see how it feels if he's there. If it's tolerable, great. If it's not, then I won't go until I'm comfortable with it. Or I'll find some other activity or group that feels good to me...

 

I'm going to do what I want and what feels best for me. It doesn't feel right for me TODAY to let him know that his presense there affects me. If and when he decides to communicate again with me about it, perhaps I'll be more honest with him. I'm not sure. I'm going to see how I feel and just go with it...I will always put mySELF first and do what is best for ME.

 

Right now my plan is to practice detachment, be open to the possibility of really anything happening (this is not to say WITH HIM) because who knows what the future holds. The past is over and I can choose to let the past dictate my emotions or I can let the past go....and just move forward and trust that everything is working out for the best.

[Batya33]

Why not just make a decision - a commitment to yourself - that from now on you will cease all contact with him that is not absolutely essential from a professional perspective and err on the side of no communication if there is ever a question in your mind.

 

I would be careful about creating situations as you did that end up leading to increased contact, increased focusing and analysis, and tempting thoughts of "well I was just being honest" - be honest with yourself from the beginning and avoid these internal games.

 

It's also tempting to escalate these situations you create by using a lot of words and overanalyzing. I suggest instead approaching it as a five year old would - simple, back to basics "he doesn't want a relationship with me and thereforeeee there is no reason to have contact with him beyond professionally." Without all the "how I feel today/believe in destiny/focus on detachment" -- all those thousand dollar words give you the excuse to keep focusing because it "seems" so complex.

 

Of course your feelings are complex, of course you are highly intelligent and analytical, but if you stick with the very simple plan I suggested above, then the reaction to your complex feelings will be to continue the mantra of the simple plan rather than giving in to all the over-analysis.

 

I write this because I've been there, as "you" and on the other side listening to other very smart, analytical friends believing that they were progressing by all of this wordiness leading to psychobabble when it has the opposite effect.

[rapunzel]

I'm going to try to do what you suggested Batya. I may stumble along the way. It will not be easy to be "professional" with him all the time, it would be quite easy to be "professional" in a corporate cubicle type environment. Our working environment is entirely different, much much looser...

 

Tonight is the class and I'm really conflicted on what to do. I'd like to go and see how it feels, who knows maybe he won't even make it or maybe I won't see him there. Since it is something I originally wanted to do, and something I found and told HIM about (again with no intention that he would end up coming to it!!), I don't want to give him that kind of power over me that I won't attend as I can't "handle" it.

 

On the other hand, even though I told HIM about it, I fear that my presense there will be construed in some way as "chasing". That sounds silly but it is a concern. I don't want to give him ANY ego boost.

 

I guess I should just tell myself that it doesn't matter...it just doesn't matter one iota what I do. Or does it?

[Batya33]

The more I read your posts the more I am being swayed toward the opinion that even though your band is great the downsides far outweigh the upsides.

[renaissancewoman101]

Just curious Batya, if she does give up the band, wouldn't it sound like her ex won, because she couldn't deal with being around his presense?

 

NOT a criticism, just a comment.

[Batya33]

Just curious Batya, if she does give up the band, wouldn't it sound like her ex won, because she couldn't deal with being around his presense?

 

NOT a criticism, just a comment.

 

Nope. She either could make up a reason why she was leaving or explain to her ex quite honestly that she felt awkward around him since they had dated. Nothing about winning or losing - it's not like he drove her out of there it's just that she has a certain comfort level that she needs.

[rapunzel]

Well I appreciate your concern but I cannot quit the band right now. I'd be letting a lot of other people down and we have some high profile events coming up, one that I booked. It also keeps me somewhat active socially, despite the issue of my ex. Maybe in the late fall or winter but I have to stick it out for the summer

 

I feel OK with it tonight. I decided not to go to the class, I just didn't feel like it and I had sat all day so I didn't feel like sitting again. I got some exercise and went to my rehearsal. My ex was in the parking lot and after I parked he came up to me and said "so you didn't come to the class again". I just lightly told him "nope, didn't make it" and we talked about the class for a minute before going inside. I thought it was interesting that this was the first thing he said to me, but I choose not to read into it. He was just making conversation.

 

I realize that a lot of my problem is the stuff I make up in my head, and the way I react emotionally is where I get in trouble. I am aware that I create a lot of my own drama, through my thoughts. But at least I don't let him see any of it!

[Batya33]

I never advised you to quit the band - I said that these recent events and your choices to interact with him made me wonder whether you should. Ren then posted with a hypothetical of "if you quit the band" which I responded to.

 

It sounds like you are making some progress - hopefully the random chatting will stop soon because you seem to read into it how he reacts which doesn't sound very helpful.

[Addicus]

RAP...I am still following your story. Batya brings up a lot of good points, which make a lot of sense. For me, in your position I am not sure what I would do. From a self healing point I would most likely quit the band. However, you are really stepping outside yourself and staying so you don't let people down. Not sure I could do that. I think that not reading into what he says, reducing the amount of superficial chat will help you, especially if you choose to stay in the band!

[rapunzel]

Ok, yes Batya you did simply suggest that this was something you were wondering. And I agree: I go back and forth regarding quitting myself. But I realize I can't right now; it would not benefit me professionally. At this point I'm not even sure it would benefit me personally. My goal is to emerge stronger from this. Again, I do appreciate the concern.

 

So what do you suggest I do when my ex talks to me in a parking lot? I'm going to go out on a limb and say (since I was there) that our interaction last night was positive, albeit meaningless. It was brief, pleasant, cordial.

 

Then I was in a small room for two hours with my ex and 6 other people. There is no way I can ignore my ex and avoid any random chatting, it would be obvious and awkward. If he talks to me, I respond in the way I'd respond to any of the other six people. Light, normal banter.

 

Everyone is interpreting what others say to them all the time. We're human, it's what we do. Perhaps you interpret that as psychobabble which is certainly your prerogative. So yeah, I thought it was interesting that he mentioned my absense at the class. That's all, interesting. I don't think it means he wants me back. It'd be great if everything anyone said just rolled off my back and I thought nothing of it but that probably won't happen until I'm a Zen master...or a robot.

[rapunzel]

Hey addicus, thanks for weighing in.

 

You know, it would have been best if I had 6 months of full No Contact after the break up. I know I'd be in an entirely different place. But it is not what happened, and I'm dealing with the situation as best I can. That's why I post here, to help me process the stuff and I think I'm making progress...one day at a time.

 

I'm not only staying in the band for other people, I'm staying for myself. It's a unique group and I'd be closing doors on other opportunities if I left. Also, I think quitting would be acquiescing, giving up some of my own personal power, handing it over to him. Yeah, I still post that I wish I could have No Contact, I'm envious of people who do, but that's just venting...which is part of the process.

 

I hear what both you and Batya are saying about avoiding idle chat. Again, I agree that it may be best if I did not speak to my ex at all, but it's just not possible. I agree it may be best for me to keep the random chat as brief and as infrequent and impersonal as possible.

 

I was thinking about how I skipped the class yesterday and I realized I would have skipped it anyway, ex or no ex. I just didn't feel like going. This was empowering. Earlier I had thought about what it would be like to be there with him there and it did fill me briefly with a sense of dread but later I realized that my decision really had to do with my own desires: I just wasn't in the mood to go. This is how I'm trying to live my life.

[Batya33]

I think it's a mistake to keep telling yourself that it's not possible to avoid chatting with your ex. It is possible (other than purely professional) - and it's your choice. This thread is a perfect example of you at first trying to dodge responsibility for chatting - that you "just happened" to be in his car and the class situation "just happened to come up" - if you are to get past this you need to be much more vigilant of your role and your choices.

 

Good luck.

[rapunzel]

Thanks, your input is welcome Batya....and is definitely food for thought.

[Daria_Lane]

I think it's a mistake to keep telling yourself that it's not possible to avoid chatting with your ex.

 

While I agree with this esp when it concerns superficial PHONE CALLS, I too would like to hear a suggestion you have for her in regards tio like bumping into hiom in the parking lot. Is she supposed to snub him or what?

[rapunzel]

My ex has never made a superficial phone call to me. If he has, it is always under the guise of business. His calls are rare and usually about business. He's not a guy who likes to chat on the phone for very long.

 

I'm not going to snub him in these situations, it's not my style and unnecessary, in my view. Maybe I have it all wrong. It doesn't mean I have to talk for long, or flirt, or whatever...but just be normal and exchange brief pleasantries. Interested in what others would suggest in this situation also...

 

EDIT: he did call last week about attending the class, and this was highly unusual....

[Crazyaboutdogs]

When you are dealing with the workplace you do not snub someone or refuse to engage in light banter...it makes life uncomfortable all the way around. You act like you would act with anyone and if that means light banter then that is what you do. The more thought you put into keeping your distance from a work colleague, the more power you are actually giving them...but most importantly, by constantly thinking about having to mind your p's and q's around them the more focused you are on the breakup rather than on healing. Healing is about not focusing on the other person and just living your life. I see nothing wrong with what you did...even in the engaging of light banter...work is work and it has to be a comfortable situation for all. I also do not recommend leaving if it is not in your best professional interests and if it will cause a problem in the group. Conduct yourself around your professional life and what makes you look like a well put together person..consciously avoiding an ex at work or treating him differently than everyone else just draws attention to yourself and doesn't make you look well put together.

[Daria_Lane]

I agree with thuis which is why I questioned Batya's comment about the "random convos"..not like she goes calling him to speak to her so it's like what is she supposed to do?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I agree with thuis which is why I questioned Batya's comment about the "random convos"..not like she goes calling him to speak to her so it's like what is she supposed to do?

 

I had this "silent treatment" played on me many years ago in the workplace....and it was him not me who had not wanted the relationship. I was still prepared to be mature about it and interact with him as normal work colleagues. He gave me the silent treatment, did not react to my efforts at a simple hello when passing in the hallway. It was so insulting to be treated like that and it made things more uncomfortable for both of us, while causing lots of food for gossip for everyone else. I spent 3 more years dealing with that insane behaviour but there was no way I was going to quit and set back my career for someone who couldn't separate personal from professional. Despite the discomfort, I did quite well professionally and only moved on when my contract ended.

[Batya33]

I am referring to her first post, and her first post only, where she mentioned driving around with him and bringing up her attendance at the class. I never suggested the silent treatment or any hostile behavior. I do think she needs to reign in the chatty stuff a bit.

 

"I mentioned to my ex when he was driving me around two weekends ago that I had gone to a beginner meditation class near where I live."

 

"He's into stuff like that so somehow we began talking about it two weeks ago."

 

I think she needs to avoid having him drive her around unless it's in a group and she is not sitting next to him and I don't think that being pleasant in a professional setting requires volunteering the classes you are taking that have nothing to do with the work. She also needs to be mindful of the "somehow it came up" - it's not somehow, it's a choice. That's all I meant.