Chocola Posted April 29, 2008 Share Posted April 29, 2008 I'm 39, my boyfriend is 32, I have 2 kids, we were together almost a year of which was the best year for both of us and I got diagnosed with cancer, I am getting chemo now, he has been fairley supportive but the longer is goes on the more stressful it gets. To make things worse my boyfriend has been having feelings about sleeping with other women, I am the first women he has be able to have a long term proper sexual relationship with because he had lots of problems getting an erection, now he says he feels like he has an itch he can't scratch, he knows he can't make up for what happened during his twenties but he wants to see what sex is like with other women, but he still wants a relationship with me. I stupidly suggested he went ahead and slept with someone else, now he he is on dating website looking for a casual relationship. On Thursday we are going to a sexual health clinic to see if they can help. I know deep down its not gonna work, I really love him and he says as much as ever that he loves me, I know if I didn't have cancer I would tell him to get lost but I feel I can't cope without him even tho he is doing this to me, we have so much planned for the next months, gigs, overnight stays, his birthday, weddings to go to etc I would be lost without him. In a way I can see how frustrated he is bout his past failures in the sex department but what kind of future would we have? Link to comment
kr356 Posted April 29, 2008 Share Posted April 29, 2008 i would tell him that you changed your mind, that thinking of him with someone else hurts you.. would he allow you to have sex with another man? if not, then he should not expect you to let him do the same thing... Link to comment
CarnelianButterfly Posted April 29, 2008 Share Posted April 29, 2008 I'm sorry you have to go thru the chemo and now this. He's not being as supporting as you think, if he was a supporting boyfriend he'd not be trying to sleep with other women. He's using a lot of excuses to get out of acting like a real boyfriend. You are going thru a lot with your treatment, but you don't need the emotional stress worrying about your stance in a relationship. His past is his to resolve on his own, not while he's in a relationship. You can take care of yourself, you don't need a man to do that. Especially one that treats you with such disrespect. Link to comment
barbielovesmac Posted April 29, 2008 Share Posted April 29, 2008 sweetie, you are going through so much right now. do you really think you can handle this emotional strain? i think you're pain is enough right now and if he really loved and cared for you ... he wouldn't want to put anymore stress/pain on you i am so sorry for what you are going through ... but i can't see this making things better ....... for him sure, but not you. and you are who matters. you need to get healthy. this will only add stress .... and stress is NOT healthy. it will NOT help. Link to comment
kuiks8 Posted April 29, 2008 Share Posted April 29, 2008 I am sorry you are in this position. It must be so scary to have to deal with cancer as is and then to have the very person who is supposed to support you put you through this...you do deserve more then what he is offering but i understand your reasons for not kicking him out...I wish i had answers or something useful to say...you have to do what is best for you right now whatever that may be...do you have family who can help in the area? Link to comment
catwalk Posted April 29, 2008 Share Posted April 29, 2008 does the cancer/chemo prevent you from having sex? If so (I'm assuming yes), how long has it been since you've had a regular sexual relationship? Link to comment
Chocola Posted April 29, 2008 Author Share Posted April 29, 2008 sex has never been better, we have no problems having sex at all, only when I have chemo we would need to use a condom for 48 hours afterwards thats all. Link to comment
kuiks8 Posted April 29, 2008 Share Posted April 29, 2008 so if he is having good sex and enough sex...why does he want more women? Link to comment
kuiks8 Posted April 29, 2008 Share Posted April 29, 2008 It sounds like to me that he is using your current situation to get something he knows he would usually never get...that makes me sick...I am sorry you have to put up with this... Link to comment
barbielovesmac Posted April 29, 2008 Share Posted April 29, 2008 sex has never been better, we have no problems having sex at all, only when I have chemo we would need to use a condom for 48 hours afterwards thats all. then i don't get why he wants to have sex with other women? i think he may just be using your chemo as an excuse ... which is NOT acceptable. Link to comment
CarnelianButterfly Posted April 29, 2008 Share Posted April 29, 2008 He's being very self centered and not giving you the real support you need. Please let him go. Link to comment
Chocola Posted April 29, 2008 Author Share Posted April 29, 2008 he says its because he has never had sex with anyone else until he met me,there were many occasions he had the opertunity but couldn't get an erection. when we first met he couldn't get an erection and of course I was very understanding and eventually it all came good, he still isn't 100% all the time and has occasional problems but he feels he wants to see what its like being with other women and he can't forsee him going to his grave with this regret. So I was daft enough to suggest he has a fling to get it out of his system. Link to comment
barbielovesmac Posted April 29, 2008 Share Posted April 29, 2008 you need 100% support right now and hunnie, he is not offering that in the least bit. i know it's hard because you think he's all you've got, but in all honesty this is not someone who cares ... or someone who cares ENOUGH should i say. you have cancer and he wants to sleep with other women. that is wrong in so many ways. Link to comment
catwalk Posted April 29, 2008 Share Posted April 29, 2008 sex has never been better, we have no problems having sex at all, only when I have chemo we would need to use a condom for 48 hours afterwards thats all. Oh WOW. I thought you were going to say you haven't had sex in like 6 months, but regular sex life??? There really is no excuse. I don't know what to say, it really does sound like he's trying to make up for the time he wasn't able to have random sexual relationships, but I hope he knows that most guys don't do that in the first place! He's made you into a casual partner, which doesn't sound at all like what you want or need.:sad: Link to comment
CarnelianButterfly Posted April 29, 2008 Share Posted April 29, 2008 I think you need to cut him loose, that will give him plenty of opportunity without you being hurt each time he decides to disrespect your relationship. His impotence isn't your fault, his dalliances aren't your fault either, if he really loved you and respected you he wouldn't have done that. Link to comment
Whiplash Girl Child Posted April 29, 2008 Share Posted April 29, 2008 Why, exactly, did you give him permission to sleep with other women in the first place? Were you worried that you'd lose him if you said no? This situation sucks. I agree with other posters: He's not being supportive of you. How selfish can he be to suggest and do something like this? Just follow your feelings. If what he's doing (or trying to do) bothers you, ask him not to do it. If he still does it, then, well, you know what to do. Link to comment
KG Posted April 29, 2008 Share Posted April 29, 2008 As someone who's other had cancer, I could give a rats a** about sleeping with someone else...she was the most important person in the world to me...sex...not even on the horizon. I took care of her, first and foremost. My feelings went way to the side. I hope he grows up! Link to comment
Chocola Posted April 29, 2008 Author Share Posted April 29, 2008 he says he can remember hearing about his brothers friends bragging about sexual encounters and he knows his friends have had more than him, he has told no one about his erection problems only me, he tried telling his best friend years ago and his friend wasn;t comfortable talking about it. He has seen a counsellor a few years ago for the problem and we are going on Thursday to sexual health clinic. I wish I had the courage to face the next months alone, deep down I know everything you are all saying is right, it's so sad that this has happened Link to comment
JadedStar Posted April 29, 2008 Share Posted April 29, 2008 As someone who's other had cancer, I could give a rats a** about sleeping with someone else...she was the most important person in the world to me...sex...not even on the horizon. I took care of her, first and foremost. My feelings went way to the side. I hope he grows up! Spoken like a true man who has maturity and empathy! OP, he is NOT supporting you thru this. Sometimes we think we can't move on and things will never be better than what we have it but trust me, you can find better than this. Link to comment
Portage Posted April 29, 2008 Share Posted April 29, 2008 As someone who's other had cancer, I could give a rats a** about sleeping with someone else...she was the most important person in the world to me...sex...not even on the horizon. I took care of her, first and foremost. My feelings went way to the side. I hope he grows up! Yup times two and a half. Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted April 29, 2008 Share Posted April 29, 2008 I agree with the other posters. He is indeed being selfish and cruel. How he can even look at himself in the mirror is beyond me. Someone dealing with cancer should not have to deal with a partner looking for notches on his bedpost. He knows your vulnerable right now and need help so he is taking advantage figuring you need him and will accept his terms of having sexual encounters with others. When you are going through chemo, your immune system is down...you should not have to be exposed to anything he might catch from other women. Link to comment
summerpeach Posted April 29, 2008 Share Posted April 29, 2008 Wow, he is very immature and unkind. I have an illness and there were so many times I could not have sex and my ex would not even think about going for other women. But my ex did not have erectile dysfuntion. But I really don't see the problem here is with his penis, it's his head that has the issue. I think you need to stand your ground and tell him it's a no go. No other women. I know it's scary to be alone when you're ill, I live alone and have been alone for most of my illness and I'm doing fine. Don't let this illness take more from you that it already has. Link to comment
diamond78 Posted April 29, 2008 Share Posted April 29, 2008 What kind of man would suggest and actually try to go through with sleeping with other women while you are undergoing chemo for cancer???? If that is being called supportive, then I would rather be alone..... Good luck with the chemo and hopefully you'll be strong enough to dump this so-called boyfriend of yours.... Link to comment
Hope75 Posted April 29, 2008 Share Posted April 29, 2008 I'm unsure why this man is equating more partners with more sexual experience. I'm sorry girl, I have to agree with everyone else. What he's asking of you is so selfish and so wrong on so many levels. I'm not sure why you think because you have cancer you have to allow your bf to basically cheat on you- having cancer doesn't mean you have no self respect. Do what your head is telling you and get rid of this guy. If he was a true partner who loved you there would be no way he'd be asking to sleep with other women- cancer or no cancer. This guy is worthless. Link to comment
JadedStar Posted April 29, 2008 Share Posted April 29, 2008 I agree with the other posters. He is indeed being selfish and cruel. How he can even look at himself in the mirror is beyond me. Someone dealing with cancer should not have to deal with a partner looking for notches on his bedpost. He knows your vulnerable right now and need help so he is taking advantage figuring you need him and will accept his terms of having sexual encounters with others. When you are going through chemo, your immune system is down...you should not have to be exposed to anything he might catch from other women. Never even thought of that but what a good point. Your immune system is down and he is risking bringing infection into your life. UGH. I can't express how nasty this situation is. Link to comment
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