I am isolated and I fear my depression has been triggered-I don't know where to turn

[Suzanne1281]

I am home from work today. Last night I did not sleep one wink. Not a second. I tried to go into work and I couldn't hold my head up. I had to turn around at the first train stop and come back home. I have tried to get the sleep I missed and I can't sleep. I have been up for over 24 hours. When I did doze for a few minutes, I had disturbing nightmares: one involving seeing my father (who committed suicide) in very bad shape.

 

I'm really not sure what to do anymore. I am so lonley in this city. I was so happy when I moved here-coming off of the best year of my life. I had finished grad school, had great friends, was independent and perfectly happy on my own. I moved to New York in June and was so happy. I was meeting new people, having a great time, having fun being single. I didn't need any significant other to secure any happiness for me. Now I fear my depression that took me so long to overcome has been triggered and has come back. I've had symptoms for 3 weeks now: not eating, not sleeping, having nightmares when sleeping, lost my passion for things, constantly crying. What scares me is that my father suffered from depression and he ended up committing suicide when he was 51 and I was only 18. I am only 26.

 

What has happened to me? Too many changes occurred at once.

 

I no longer work a 9-5 and am isolated at my museum job-a job that will get me places in two years. But two long years of isolation? I go to work-I have no one. I come home-I have no one. I only get to go in twice a week as well. I have applied for a second part-time job but am having a hard time hanging on for it. I gave up a chance at a job at a larger, well-known museum: but it was for taking phone calls and ordering supplies in one of their offices. Not what I wanted to do.

 

Secondly, if you have read my posts in the past few weeks, my heart was broken by a guy who continues to lie-he said he couldn't choose between me and his ex. Then he went to his hometown this weekend where she lives and plastered it all over myspace and facebook that he was there. I had to live through the whole weekend knowing what he was possibly doing. I kept myself busy, went out with friends that were in from out of town. He is still not back, and all I want is an answer if he is back together with her for real. He completely turned on me when I had done nothing wrong and after he told me he was choosing me and felt that "this was it" with me. All I got in the end was an emotionless e-mail saying he chose to ignore our issues because it's the only way he could get over his ex. I never got to have any chance to say anything to him about it, and all his kindness and his presense in my life was just taken away. I don't want to go back to him, because he lied a LOT, but I obsess over every little thing to figure out if he holds something against me. My roommate who is my only girlfriend here was very immature and rude to him after I told her what happened and I did let him know I asked her to leave him alone, but I feel this has made him hate me. I don't see my roommate anymore. I tried to talk to her about this breakup and all she did was be very obnoxious to the guy (without my knowing at the time) and it made everything worse. I try to get her to do girly things with me and all she does is sit on her computer until her boyfriend comes over. She made fun of me for applying to the second part-time job and for joining a social club to meet new people. I cannot cry to her because she has her own problems within her own family with her little brother having just joined the Marines-something she's dealing with.

 

I think my obsession with wanting to contact him to know what it was that I did wrong has a lot to do with my father's suicide. Dad didn't leave a note-we knew he suffered from depression but did not know he stopped taking his anti-depressants when it happened. But I know I have huge abandonment issues when it comes to men that I love-and yet another man that I loved just abandoned me with no explanation. This is why I obsess. But contacting hiim like that would just make things worse and make me seem crazy and I'll lose my dignity in this situation (even though I feel like my roommate lost it for me. I had no plan of contacting him again but then had to so he knew I wasn't having my roommate yell at him for me. It was embarrassing having to text him again).

 

I have no girlfriends anymore. My roommate was it-and she doesn't want anything to do with me, only her boyfriend. The group of guy friends I had included the guy who broke my heart, so I most likely will not see them anymore. I have joined a social group that does outtings, but they are all much older than me, and very odd people. It seems more like I joined a Lonely Hearts Club. I have just moved to NYC and just got my first job that has to do with what I went to school for and what I want my career in. All I want now is to just move back to my hometown where my family and friends are-but that means failing at this new job and not knowing if I'll ever have a museum job in my hometown.

 

I am trying so hard. I was so happy before the situation with this guy triggered this in me again. I am taking major steps to move forward-going out to meet new people, applying for a second job where I can socialize. Trying to keep positive thoughts and basically making daily affirmations to myself. Maybe it's that New York is so overwhelming I don't know where to look for companionship. I just don't understand. Everything was going so well. I just want to move back to my hometown to be near my family and real friends.

 

What do I do? Someone please talk to me.

[lillie]

You can have my email address if you would like a female friendly ear..A friend from over the pond..

I too suffer from depression & i also have men trouble!!! But im a good listener.

[lillie]

But try not to make any decisions while you are depressed. Try to get yourself to the doctor for medication firstly..

If everything was fine before this man upset you,then its highly likely that things are still fine but they just don't seem to be because your so down..

I was very lonely & isolated like you,still am really. But i met a wonderful woman in January who has become a dear friend,so don't give up on finding a friend just yet..

[Clementine orange]

But try not to make any decisions while you are depressed.

 

 

I'd like to re-iterate this sentence. When one is depressed, one is not thinking straight and logically. If you can postpone any major decisions until one is in a better frame of mind then that is a very good strategy

[yokohama_mama]

Based on the timing it seems like you are pretty upset about this guy, and your upset is casting a shadow over everything else in your life and making it look miserable.

 

Keep up with the affirmations and the efforts at building a social network. I think the second, more social job should help a lot. I know how tough it is to feel isolated - hang in there! It will get better. Come here and vent all you want.

[jraf]

Hi Suzanne,

 

I can only affirm what has been said based on my own life long struggle with depression.

 

Get yourself to a doctor. If you've gone through a major depression already, you know you don't want to do it again. You undoubtedly know that meds are especially critical for someone with a genetic predisposition for depression.

 

For now, focus on yourself and your job. You obviously see the job as an important stepping stone in your career and you can't do your job well if you are depressed.

 

Don't make any major decisions right now. All that is important now is getting the meds and care to get out of your depression.

 

Feel free to pm me if you like. I'll be glad to give you my email address if it will help. I've been dealing with depression for a long time (as well as having raised 3 daughters) and am happy to be a sounding board if you need another one.