Anger or Guilt??

[confusedmama]

I am feeling like a terrible parent and the my ex seems to have the ability to make this worse. I dithered over whether to put this here or in the parenting forum, but I feel that it is mostly an issue with the ex.

 

My oldest son, 13, is basically failing the 8th grade. When we went back to court the guardian-ad-litem assumed that this is because he wanted to spend more time with his father and gave him more visitation. His grades have NOT improved.

 

Because of this I refused to sign him up for Babe Ruth baseball. He made a choice to play soocer this spring for the school team. I told him that his choice to make failing grades (not turning in the work) caused the choice of not playing soccer-on top of the fact he didn't WANT to play baseball until I signed his brothers up for little league.

 

I found out last week that my ex signed him up for babe ruth-did not tell me and wouldn't pay for the other two (who have straight A's) to play. I told my ex in an email and I told my oldest that I didn't appreciate what I considered "sneakiness" about this sign up. I also stated that I would not take him to practices and games-at least not until his grades come up.

 

This week my ex told Chase that he would take him to practice and when I said NO and gave my reasons my ex continued to talk to Chase and basically make me out to be the bad guy. "I didn't understand" and his grades "weren't all his fault", there were "other factors to consider".

 

I am extremely angry and I do feel guilty, not so much that I'm not allowing the baseball thing-although that is part of it-but because now my son is in the middle of this crap again.

 

Suggestions on how to handle this? I feel as if they are keeping secrets and I don't want my son to learn the ways of his father in that regard.

[greensleeves]

I think that you're going to have to sit down with your ex, perhaps with the help of a mediator to help settle this. He should not have signed your son up without consulting with you about it, that's a given. But, the two of you are going to have to both work at improving your communication and how you are going to make decisions about raising your children. You have three children to raise, so no matter what your feelings are towards eachother, you have to work as a team when it comes to your kids. Think about how your son feels right now...guilty, angry, sad, sneaky, ashamed and torn in two directions. If the two of you work together to jointly put them first you'll never regret it. No matter what happened between the two of you in your marriage, it is do-able.

 

Believe me in this, because my ex husband and I had a nasty end to our marriage (infidelity and drug/alcholol problems on his end). I decided right from the beginning that even if we couldn't be great as a married couple, we could do well as singe co-parents and we've done our very best. We've attended every school concert, football game and special event together. He spends every Christmas Eve and morning with us and when they were younger, Easter, birthdays etc. It hasn't always been easy, and we've both had to put aside our own feelings towards eachother on several occasion, but our kids know that they can't play us against eachother and that the same rules apply here at home as they do when they're at his place. From time to time we slip a bit, we're certainly not anywhere near being perfect parents (who is?). Our kids aren't perfect either, and there are always various issues to deal with, but at least we're in the position where the two of us can work on strategies together, because once they hit high school...look out!

 

Your son is 13, a very critical age when he's going to start being introduced to all kinds of unknowns; drugs, sex etc. Sit down with your ex as soon as you can and figure out how the two of you can work together to deal with everything that might be headed your way.

[DN]

Well, this is something that you unilaterally decided and your ex unilaterally decided the opposite. Perhaps in the future it would be better to get on the same page before these decisions are made.

 

But as to the decision to deny your son the chance to play a game as a punishment for failing grades - i think that is a mistake. Better to find out why he is failing and fix that rather than take away something he enjoys. He will resent you for that and it is unlikely to help his grades improve.

 

I remember a friend who used to play competitive soccer - he really loved it and was very good. As a punishment for something his mother refused to allow him to play in an important game. He gave up playing soccer after that and told his mother he would never take up any sport or interest again that she could just take away from him because she was mad at him. His mother tried to make him, persuade him and cajole him but he refused. He could potentially have been professional. But she took away his motivation to succeed because she was so arbitrary.

[greensleeves]

I agree with DN on this, extra curricular activities are so important, especially as they get older. They more interests they have, the less likely they are to get involved with troubling behaviour. Your husband shouldn't have signed him up without talking to you, but he is correct that other factors are involved.

[confusedmama]

I would LOVE to be able to do this!! And I have tried. Unfortunately, my ex puts himself first, not the boys. I try to send him the information on school functions, etc but then he expects me to be as his secretary and inform him of the their schedules always, without becoming a parent himself and when something goes wrong it is always my fault.

 

I have C in counselling now for his grades and for the fact I think he needs a "safe" place to relieve all those feelings. I can ask the counselor to mediate, but I'm almost afraid that if I do then C won't feel as if it is a safe place any longer. So I'm torn as to what is more important. ( just to give you an idea-the counselling isn't coverd by insurance and my ex refuses to pay any part of it, with evaluation it has been determined that C has ADD and maybe medication at this point may help his lack of turning in assignments that he completes-his father tells him he doesn't have ADD and became nasty in an email to me when I sent him the reults of the evaluations.

 

When I tried to speak my point to him yesterday he walked away after interrupting me time after time. I am expected to listen to his point of view but it seems as if mine isn't important. This is nothing new, which is why I won't speak to him without witnesses and usually not without a lawyer.

 

While I know that it isn't good for the boys to see this I also feel it may be worse for them to see me being verbally abused and taken advantage of time after time. So I'm stuck again-play nice and teach them it is OK to talk to and treat people the way my ex treats me, stand up to him and let them see the ugliness, or not speak except by email and try to show with other people the way communication works.

[confusedmama]

I don't agree as far as baseball is concerned. And actually it has been recommended by both the guardian-ad-litem and Chase's counselor that he shouldn't be allowed to continue all the "fun" things he has now because of the choices he is making. Consequences for your actions/behaviors. On to of that HE made the choice this spring as to what he wanted to play:soccer or baseball. He chose soccer, and made the JV squad for the High School. This baseball thing came up because his brothers are playing baseball.

 

I am the one who works on the projects, checks the homework, gets called by the teachers for work that doesn't get turned in, yet when I make a decision based on the behavior at school I am apparently unqualified. I am tired. I can't keep up with the work load when he now spends 2 to 4 nights a week at his dads but somehow his dad doesn't HAVE to do those things. We play catch up when he gets home.

 

As far as speaking to his dad beforehand-he hasn't ever paid in the past 4 years to sign them up for a recreational activity-why would I think he would now? Other than to make me look like the bad guy?

 

I do know this is an important age (I work with 8-12 graders). I know there are many things they can get into. Which is why I didn't pull him out of soccer-although if he had been enrolled at the HS he would have been off the team because of grade policy-this baseball is a Saturday thing and a summer thing. I have him with me during those times. I just feel that he needs to realize that there are reprucusions for NOT doing your work-if you don't do your work, you get fired. I look at it as he didn't get this job he applied for because he didn't fill out the application correctly.

[greensleeves]

I wouldn't ask your son's counselor to mediate...you're right, that is your son's safe place and it wouldn't be her/his field of expertise anyway. Your husband does sound difficult. Don't have these discussions with him in front of your boys...they don't need to be a part of it and it removes your worries about them seeing you being verbally abused or taken advantage of.

 

Would it be possible for you to go out for a coffee with your ex to talk? (a public place is good, because neither of you will be tempted to resort to raisng your voices) Tell him that you want to work together as a team and that you're concerned about how your disagreements etc. might be affecting your boys. Remain calm and rational and if he starts to pull a power play on you, gently and calmly get back to the point. Just repeat.."I'm concerned about how OUR behaviour is going to affect the boys." Don't place blame or become defensive, just keep telling yourself that you're doing it for your kids and take the high road. Don't start rehashing wrongs done to eachother in the marriage or the divorce, keep the conversation on your hopes for your children's future...stay on track.

 

You may find that he'll be responsive to this approach and might actually become enthusiastic about it when he knows that he'll be part of some of the decision making. Take it one step at a time and don't shoot for everything at once. Maybe agree on what you want to agree on for starters...I know that sounds confusing. For instance, can you agree on some ground rules that the boys will have to follow whether they're at your place or his place, for example, bedtimes, junk food, amount of xbox or playstation they're allowed (if your boys are gamers), and agree that there will have to be some flexibility at times. Once you can start agreeing on some of the smaller issues, it will set a new tone between the two of you...if you're successful at one or two smaller things, you'll be encouraged to move onto some bigger issues. Agree that you won't discuss these issues in front of your kids...maybe even agree to get together for coffee once a month to discuss parenting and any concerns either one of you might be having. I'm not suggesting that you take any kind of abuse from your ex or that you be a doormat because if you're able to do this, you're going to gain a sense of self control and strength.

 

It is so worth it if you can do this. Give it a try and even if you're not successful at approaching him, at least you'll know you tried. All you can do is your best.

[confusedmama]

I think I am actually afraid to meet with him, even in a public place. He has had me followed and questioned me on parenting issues and ride issues to and from practices etc. He speaks to me as if I am stupid (it was so bad a couple of years ago that my HS athletes even noticed it) and doesn't allow me to finish a statement. Going on past behaviors, anything that we might agree on in conversation would be turned on its ear when he actually got the boys. I have tried to ask for his opinion and I get no response and when I make a suggestion or state what I'm trying at my house he does the exact opposite.

 

I have gotten stronger and I no longer let him see the control he has over me or how he upsets me. I'm pretty certain this is why he is getting worse and more controlling. I actually sent copies of emails he sent to friends a couple of weeks ago because I was extremely afraid of what he may do.

[just M.E.]

confusedmama

 

I am siding with you. I went through hell and back with my daughter in those years and I made her earn her activities with grades and being responsible.

 

She was into horses (still is) and I took privileges away if she wasn't responsible. Real life is like that, if you don't perform, you lose a job, you can skate through. The difference is that I was a single mom, my daughter's dad and I divorced when she was a baby so no one fought me on my decisions.

 

My daughter is now almost 28 and she has thanked me over and over for being a tough mom, said it gave her more strength and character. She and her husband are both getting their master's degrees on scholarship and it looks like they will get paid to get their docorate. She turned out OK and it looked pretty grim for a few years when she was that age.

 

You ex is trying to buy your son's loyalty but he can end up teaching him to manipulate one person against another. Can you appeal to the counselor and guardian-ad-litem to help you convince your ex that he and you need to present a united front for your son to respect?

 

I always thought that was the number 1 rule of parenting, don't let you children divide their parents, stand united. I think these years are real important and tough, you have to stand firm and let you son take his bumps in learning these life lessons. It isn't easy but if you don't they will be 40 and living in your basement.

[greensleeves]

I'm so sorry that it's like this..it must make it so difficult. If this is the case...I guess my suggestions aren't going to work for you...that's too bad. I wish I had a solution. Alll you can do is be the best mom you can be...it's all any of us can do. Just do whatever you can to provide the best life that you can for your kids and don't allow him to intimidate you or to push your buttons. Have you ever thought about going to a bit of counselling yourself? Maybe they could help you to cope with his behaviour...it sounds just awful.

[confusedmama]

Thanks for the supprt justME, I needed that right now. I do know that while I fought against this when I was growing up-it made me a stronger, more responsible person. He is a good boy, except for his grades. And while I know that part of the issue is his ADD and part of it is the family crap (I odn't know what his father says to him when they are alone-but I know how he used to make me feel) that doesn't excuse his not turning in work that he has completed-with a prompt from his teacher.

 

I am in counselling-have been since the seperation-I actually started with the counsellor as marriage counselling with my ex. She knows how he is. I saw her today and she had a great word for him: He is a BULLY.

 

I have thought about talking to the G-A-L but that will cost me $175/hour and I really would expect anything from my ex to change. I also thought that parents should present a united front, but I guess that isn't going to happen. I am thinking about calling the coach for the babe ruth team, but I really don't want to get the entire community involved.

 

Thanks again for the suggestions-I know it probably sounded as if I was just shooting them down, I didn't mean to sound that way. I am simply stressed, angry, tired, scared and feeling guilty that my children & myself have to go through this crap.

[just M.E.]

confusedmama

 

When I look at what you are facing, I really feel for you. The reality is that we can never make another person see reason just because we know it is the right thing to do. You ex is going to make this very difficult for you. From what I can see, you are doing the "right" things, you are going in the right direction.

 

I got two pieces of advice when I was struggling with my daughter, they both entail a little of a leap of faith, but as mothers, we have a lot of that.

 

1. Your child's personality and character is set mostly by 4, who he or she was at that age, is who they can always be again. Our jobs as mom's is to let them be the best they can.

 

2. Our children are like bank accounts, we can put into them, character and values up until they are about 12, from that point on they are living on credit, drawing off what we gave them.

 

Those two concepts helped me through those tough times, and mine were very rough. I didn't have to struggle with an ex like you do, but we had some very tough issues to deal with.

 

This is a good place to find support. And vent

[greensleeves]

2. Our children are like bank accounts, we can put into them, character and values up until they are about 12, from that point on they are living on credit, drawing off what we gave them.QUOTE]

 

 

This is a great piece of advice.

[confusedmama]

Thanks for that advice. I will try to keep it in the back of my head while this is happening. I do hope his personality was set by age 4, cause at that point he was an outgoing, fun, intelligent, honest child. It would be nice to think he can be that way again.

 

My only hope is that he won't overdraw his account

 

He sees his counselor tomorrow. As bad as this week has been-and it has been horrible-I can only hope she can get him to open up and talk. I did expect some of this as he hit this adolencent period, but I guess I also expected his basic morals not to change.

 

He brought me to tears for the past 2 nights. I don't know if that is good or bad. I am so afraid that he will take on some of his fathers poor communication/interaction habits.

THanks again